Perchance

by Lila Felix

  “Remi, say something baby. Say anything.”

  He was still holding the ring out and all I could see was that ring and from where I was standing it looked like a pair of shackles.

  I looked at him through tear covered corneas and got off of the hood.

  He saw the change in my face and backtracked.

  “Ok, ok, you don’t have to wear it. I thought you would like it. It doesn’t mean we’re getting married Remi. It doesn’t. You know I support your plans and this means I will be there with you through it.”

  I was now shaking my head ‘no’ as the tears fell. I didn’t think I had any more after yesterday but here they were. He took a step towards me and I gripped the edge of the Cuda’s hood with my left hand and put the palm of my right hand out to stop him.

  “Don’t.” It was all I could croak out and I could almost hear the shatter of his heart.

  His entire posture slumped and his breaths were shallow and uneven.

  “I’m sorry Remi. I jumped the gun again. I’m so sorry.”

  I straightened my back and said something I never thought I would.

  “Stop talking Cooper and bring me home.”

  Cooper

  I can’t believe she said that to me. She had never been angry with me. Hell, I had never seen her angry at all. I still don’t know if she was angry. It was more than anger it was…hurt? Betrayal?

  I tried to hold her hand on the way home, it was a desperate attempt. She jerked her whole body away from me and turned towards the passenger window.

  “Tell me how to fix this Remi.” I begged her when I pulled into her driveway.

  “I don’t know if it can be fixed Cooper.” Her voice made it sound like she was so far away.

  “I know you love me. Just forget the stupid ring.” My voice had risen in pitch and cracked when the words came out.

  “How can I forget that ring Cooper. How?” She wouldn’t look at me.

  “I’ll take it back. You’ll never have to see it again. Don’t you know that I love you?”

  “You might love me Cooper, you might. But after tonight, I don’t think you know me at all.”

  She got out of the car and went inside. I pulled out of her driveway and floored my Hemi Cuda and took the pain in my chest out on the flat straight roads of St. Francisville. I cried, cried like I’ve never cried before. This was worse than any physical pain I could ever think of enduring. This was Hell. And just when you think all of your skin is burned off, it regrows and the flames lap at your feet again.

  I drove for hours and at two o’clock in the morning I finally decided to go back home. I parked in the driveway and then dragged my ragged ass up the stairs. At my door was a bag and a note. The bag contained Remi’s laptop and the note said ‘It’s too much.’

  What I wanted to do was throw the damned thing down the stairs, watch it break into pieces. That’s how I felt inside, like broken glass.

  I took it inside and passed out in her chair.

  Remi

  I went and grabbed the laptop threw a sloppily written note on it and ran it back to his apartment and left it by the door. He wasn’t home and I wasn’t sticking around until he got back.

  I went into the house, past a questioning Aunt Brenda and barely made it to the toilet. I puked, I cried, I puked while I cried, I cried while I puked. Aunt Brenda cried with me and she didn’t even know what she was crying about. I took my clothes off right there in front of her and poured myself in the shower and then jumped out immediately afterward to puke again.

  I finally got through the shower on the third try. Then it took me another hour after I had turned off the water to convince myself to get out. Aunt Brenda had picked up my clothes and cleaned up the floor where I had missed the toilet. I walked half dead to my bed and fell asleep with my towel still wrapped around my middle. At noon the next day, Aunt Brenda came in and checked my head and tried to make me get up and eat but I wanted nothing to do with food yet.

  “Where’s your phone Remi?” She asked.

  “It died.” I said from under the covers.

  “Well, I’ll plug it in.” She said.

  I pulled the covers back. “No. Please don’t.”

  “Why?” She asked.

  “I don’t want to hear it. I can’t take it.” I groaned while I put the covers back over my head.

  “Remi Hayes Harris, get up and tell me what happened now.”

  “Ughhhh…fine. Everything was fine. He ruined it. Everything was freaking fine. But no, he had to buy me that thing. And then he sets up this romantic scene and I think it’s going to be fine. But is it? No! It’s not. He knew how I felt and he still stood there holding that stupid little box and he claimed it was a promise ring. A promise ring! Give me a damned break. It was the first step that’s what it was. It was the first step. Next thing you know I’m married and knocked up and waiting in the kitchen for my man to bring home food so little old me can cook it and bear his babies so then he can what? Leave me with nothing. Nothing!”

  The sobs broke out against my will. My whole body jerked and the whole bed moved with me. Aunt Brenda cried with me again. She held me most of the day as I cried and whimpered.

  “I love him so much. Why did he have to ruin it? And why did I have to freak out? How am I ever going to face him again? He just scared me. Him and Edith.”

  “Edith?” She pulled away to look at my face.

  “Yes Edith. She was talking Christmas Eve about our relationship and how it has progressed and the next natural thing was marriage. What was she thinking? She more than anyone else knows how I feel. I’ve told her everything about Cooper and about me. She knew!”

  “Well of course she wants you two together. She absolutely loves you and that’s her grandson.”

  I pulled away from her and nearly fell as I tried to get off of the bed.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Remi, remember the flea market the first day you were here? I told you that Eric was Edith’s son. So naturally Cooper is her grandson. You were there.”

  Of course I remember the flea market. That’s where I first saw him. That’s where I fell in love with him.

  “Oh God! I’ve been telling her everything about us. And he said he’s been telling his grandmother about us when he visits her. I’m such an idiot. She’s been playing us all of this time. She wanted us together. Maybe I never even loved him. Maybe I was just sucked into the romance of it all. I’m so stupid.”

  “No Remi, what you have is real.”

  “Had, Aunt Brenda, had. If it was real, I’ll never know.”

  I crawled back under the covers and she let me.

  What have I done?

  Cooper

  The pain had stopped days ago. Now it was just emptiness and numbness. I dragged this body around mowing the grass, building useless furniture, cleaning my apartment, doing my damned laundry. Mom had left yesterday and I didn’t even want to go to the airport. Eric sent me to the store for groceries and I walked. I walked to the f…freakin grocery store because when I tried to get into the Cuda, it smelled like her. It smelled like apricots and honey and I ended up spending two hours in that car just breathing in and out trying to feel her around me.

  Eric knocked on the door and asked me what was going on. By then I was losing it again and I just got out of the car and walked to the store. I bought three of those trees that you hang from the rearview mirror. I put all three in the car as quickly as I could. But as I opened the door her scent washed over me and for the second time in my life this car made me fall to my knees. But it wasn’t the car. It was her.

  The first couple of days I tried to call, but she had let her phone die and apparently never turned it back on again. After calling about thirty nine times her aunt told me to stop calling. So then I started going over there, three, four, five times a day and either they wouldn’t answer or her aunt would tell me that she didn’t want to talk to me.

  I could see it now. They say
hindsight is 20/20 and whoever they were, they were right. What a careless unthoughtful bastard I had been. If I had been looking at her, instead of following my own idiotic plan I would’ve seen it. Seen the fear and apprehension building in her. If I had opened my mutha f’in eyes I would’ve recognized her emotions and put them in front of my own selfish agenda.

  I should’ve listened to Eric when he warned me when I was wrapping her presents. I should’ve listened to my grandma when she said that she was shaky about my plan. I should’ve heeded my mom’s warning that came in the form of a concerned look.

  Eric had tried to console me. He tried to stop me every time he saw me walking towards her house, but never succeeded.

  It had been eight days since that happened. Troy would call me and tell me some little tidbit that Josie had conveyed to him, but that’s all I got. I went to talk to Gram about it but she blamed herself too. Apparently all this time, Remi had been working for Gram on Mondays and Thursdays and had told her everything about us. I didn’t care about that at all. It made me happy in fact. Knowing that she was comfortable enough to talk to my Gram was comforting to me. But then she didn’t know it was my grandmother and she probably hated me for that too.

  We only had six more days until school started back. I didn’t even want to go anymore. But I needed to prove to her that I wasn’t going anywhere. I needed to prove it to myself. But the thought of her ignoring me in person was enough to make me want to stab myself with a rusty spoon.

  Those six days went by and I felt like I was recovering from being run over by a tank. Everything ached and my skin felt like it was paper thin. I dragged myself out of bed and grabbed a bagel and toasted it for her. I grabbed an orange juice and put it in my bag. I had to do this. I love her. I love her with every breath and I was going to be there, standing strong whether I felt strong or not, come Hell or high water.

  I approached that Godforsaken car. I hated it now. I hated it. She loved that car. I got in it and the trees had covered up her scent. I hadn’t driven it since that night. The keys were in the ash tray and I opened it to get the keys.

  “Son of a…” The keys were in there but so was one of her little tiny lip gloss things.

  I could almost see her next to me in that seat putting that stuff on those pouty lips and then checking them in the mirror as if she was anything less than perfect.

  Nope, not driving it today.

  I called Troy and informed him that he would have to ride with Josie. I was not touching that car today with a ten foot pole.

  Maybe tomorrow.

  Remi

  Most of the day I sat in the foyer right inside the front door. I sat there all day. I ate there and I drank there. I even stretched my neck around the door jamb and watched TV from there. It was pitiful and self-depraving but I didn’t give a mad flip. If I sat right there I could hear his steps coming up the stairs. I could hear him breathing hard and calling my name through the front door. I could feel the pounding against my back as he knocked on the door from the other side. I could hear as eventually his pleas for me turned into sobs. Then I could hear him descending the stairs and my friend pain came to console me again. Because at this point, pain was better than emptiness. It reminded me that I was still alive.

  Aunt Brenda forced me to get up every day and get dressed and eat. Sometimes Josie would come over and ‘hang out.’ I didn’t say much to her because I knew that eventually it would get back to Cooper. Aunt Brenda had called my mom on me and it turns out my mom had a new boyfriend which is why she never had time to call me or even send me a Christmas present. All she had to say was that I would get over it.

  I slept with one of his t shirts that he had left in my bag when we went camping once.

  I kept one of his cute little notes in my pocket and the seams had worn off the ink from the folds.

  I turned my phone on only in the middle of the night so I could look at his pictures on it.

  I hated school again. I hated it and I didn’t want to go. I hated my stupid selfish self-reliance plan and what it had made me do to that man that I still loved with all of my heart. Every time he knocked or called I vomited and then went back to my spot on the floor. I vomited because I made myself sick for what I had done to us. There were so many other ways I could’ve handled it. So many, and I ran them through my head over and over like a reel of bad home movies.

  I got dressed in some jeans and a long sleeved white t shirt. I pulled on a black zip-up hoodie and pulled on some shoes. I reached into the closet and put a belt on because my jeans were about to fall off of my skinny butt. I brushed my teeth and put on deodorant. Screw the rest.

  I went out and Aunt Brenda gave me a look.

  “This is as good as it gets Aunt Brenda.” I pointed up and down myself with both of my pointer fingers.

  She went ahead to school and I was still going to ride with Josie. I sat down and half ate half mutilated a bowl of cereal until I heard the honking of a horn outside. I ran to brush my teeth one more time. I was so backwards today.

  I got in the car and Troy was already in the small convertible. I gave him a ‘what the hell’ look and he shrugged.

  “Cooper called me and said he’s walking to school.”

  Oh God, he said his name out loud. How dare he! Aunt Brenda and I had been using he or him for so long that I didn’t realize the anguish that would rush through me at the sound of his name being spoken out loud. Sure, I said it to myself, but this was different.

  “Why?” I croaked out when I had gotten my bearings.

  “I don’t know. He was rambling about not being able to stand the sight of his car anymore.”

  The rest of the small ride to school was in silence.

  I wanted to believe that it had nothing to do with me. But I knew better. He couldn’t stand the sight of it because he probably couldn’t stand the sight of me.

  Cooper

  I walked into school and almost turned around and walked back out. But I wouldn’t do that to her or to me. I sucked it up and went to my classes. I put her breakfast into her locker when she wasn’t there. I focused on school. I needed these good grades to get me into some kind of school so I could keep up with my Pistol.

  I put her lunch bag on our tree. I didn’t wait there though. I didn’t want to run her off. I walked to the other side of the courtyard and found a bench that was partially hidden by a crepe myrtle. I watched as she went to the tree and picked up the bag. She looked around but couldn’t see me. She took off her jacket and sat down. That was the first time I had realized how much weight she had lost. She had her jeans cinched up with a belt. I knew those jeans. They weren’t loose on her before. In fact, my hands could prove that they used to fit her like a glove.

  She didn’t eat much and then she leaned her head back against the tree like she was exhausted.

  Remi’s aunt gave me a knowing look before class and then as I passed her desk she caught my forearm and whispered, “Hang in there kid. She’ll come around.”

  I nodded and headed home…walking.

  Remi

  For a split second here and there I swore that I saw him. He had left food in my locker and I did the cheesiest thing known to man. I put my nose in the bag and smelled inside. What a loser. But the inside of the bag only smelled like bread and his Dad’s house. All that for nothing.

  I didn’t pay attention in any of my classes…none of them.

  Cooper

  Something overwhelmingly pathetic took over me when I walked into my apartment. I think it was because some of my best moments with her took place here. The first time we kissed, the first time she was in my bed, when I had kissed the sanity from the both of us against that door. I went into a state of comatose and most of the time I invited it to take me over.

  It was for her that I needed to keep going, keep trying, keep letting her know that I was here no matter how hard she tried to push me away.

  Remi

  “I can’t do this Aunt Brenda. I just c
an’t. Don’t make me go back. I’ll stay home and get my GED. I’ll start BRCC as soon as I get my GED. I’m begging you.”

  “Absolutely not.” She was pissed at me. I had never seen her pissed at me but she was now.

  She sat on the floor next to me in my spot.

  “Remi, honey I know you have your pride. But let’s face it. You’ve been back to school for a month. You failed your history test. History. I can’t get you to eat right. I know you stay up at night flipping through pictures on your phone. And that’s not to mention all of those nights you’ve been spending on top of Josie’s roof. She’s trying to be your friend by letting you sit on her roof and stare at his apartment until all hours of the night, but it’s just not healthy anymore. Your clothes are falling off of you…” She stopped to reach for a tissue to wipe her eyes. “I don’t know how to help you anymore. But I do know that giving up on school is not the answer. And you know that Cooper always supported you going to school and getting good grades. He wanted you to do well. And I know for a fact that he still brings you breakfast and lunch every single day and has for a month. And if you won’t think about yourself then think about him. He loves you and I know you love him. He mopes around all day and he looks like the walking dead.”

  “Tell me what to do.” I was lying on the floor letting the tiles cool my face.

  She straightened herself up and didn’t even look at me when she said it.

  “I don’t know. But I do know that I love you like my own daughter now. And Cooper loves you more than I could ever hope anyone would love me. But you need to get straight for you. If you don’t have the guts to go over there and tell him that you were wrong and a stubborn jackass then at least move on and take care of yourself.”

  “Please don’t be angry with me Aunt Brenda. Please.”

  “I’m not angry Rem. I’m not. But you always claimed that it was going to be the relationship or the distraction that was going to ruin you. But from where I stand, you trashed the one thing that was keeping you grounded and focused. And what’s worse, you’ve left him to think it’s his fault.”

  She walked off quietly and went into her bedroom. She didn’t come out for hours. I decided to get up and go inflict some punishment on myself in the form of sitting on Josie’s roof staring at his apartment, hoping to get a glimpse of him.