Perchance

by Lila Felix

  But the sadness in his eyes, when I told him that I had applied to colleges in other places, ate me up. But I needed backups and if one of those schools offered me a good financial package then I was gonna be on it like a hungry tick on a fat dog.

  It hurt me, physically, to think about not being near him or not seeing him every day. But I had to do what I had to do.

  I had been saving my money from cleaning Edith’s apartment for weeks now saving up for Cooper’s Christmas present. It was a signed vintage Journey t shirt and he was going to love it. I also got him a new comforter set for his bed because I guess boys don’t care, but his was older than dirt. But that was going to be a present I gave him in private.

  We had made plans to spend Christmas Eve together and then we would be with our families on Christmas day until the afternoon. Christmas day afternoon would be our time to celebrate Christmas alone. After that we had two weeks before school started again. I couldn’t wait.

  Cooper

  The last day of the semester was a Wednesday. I made plans for Remi and me and wouldn’t tell her what they were. It had pissed her off to no end that I wouldn’t tell her where we were going but I wanted it to be a surprise. It wasn’t even a big deal. I had found a local swimming hole and had scoped the place out several times afterwards. It was perfect. It had a little rickety dock and there wasn’t much light. I was glad for that. As much as I wanted to see her standing on that dock wearing…well…not much, we weren’t there yet. I packed drinks and towels and a blanket. I picked her up from her aunt’s house at seven. She and her aunt had gone to dinner to celebrate the end of the semester and her good grades.

  She chattered the whole way. She never chattered endlessly.

  “Are you nervous?” I asked.

  “More like anxious,” she quipped back at me.

  “I’m glad.”

  “Why would you be glad?” She shot at me.

  “Because I was beginning to think that I had lost my touch.” I joked.

  “Oh Cooper, trust me, you’ve got the touch down pat.”

  “Here we are.”

  “Aww, you’re so sweet. You brought me…fishing?”

  I turned the ignition off and leaned over to the passenger seat and whispered right into her ear.

  “No Pistol, I brought you swimming.”

  “But I didn’t bring my…”

  I got out of the car as fast as I could after that. I went over to the passenger side to open her door expecting her to claw my eyes out for even suggesting such a thing. Either that or she would pull the silent treatment.

  I opened her door and she got out smiling like she was the one doing the planning.

  “Did you bring towels Mr. Date Planner?” She asked me with her hands on her hips.

  “Sure did. I brought a blanket too.”

  She cocked her left eyebrow at me meeting her snarky comment with one of my own.

  “Well, let’s go. It’s already dark.”

  “Ladies first.” I said and waited for whatever stall tactic she could think up next.

  She didn’t.

  She walked to the end of the dock and looked over the edge into the water.

  She started taking off her flip flops, then her jeans, then her shirt and all I could do was stand there while she faced me with no pretenses. Just when I thought I had her all figured out, she shocks the hell out of me one more time. I was the luckiest bastard ever.

  She jumped in and squealed a little.

  “Am I doing this all by myself?” She yelled now in the middle of the pond.

  I was standing here like a moron letting her show me up.

  “Hell no.” I yelled back and stripped down to my boxers and jumped in.

  I swam over to her and her face had gone from playful to serious in a heartbeat.

  “How deep is this water?” She sounded worried.

  “Deep enough to do this.” I stood up and laughed as my toes dug into the slimy bottom of the pond.

  “Eeeewww, I am not putting my feet down.” She scrunched up her face.

  “Well then either you keep treading water or you come over here and hold on to me while I stand.”

  Her face went from innocent to frightened to wanting in a flat second.

  She swam the small distance to me eyes locked with mine. Her legs went around my waist and her arms slid around my neck.

  “You took your glasses off.” She whispered.

  “Didn’t want to lose them.” I answered.

  “If I had known we were coming here I would’ve brought a bathing suit.” She said it to me, but her eyes were on my lips.

  “That wouldn’t have been any fun. You should’ve seen the look on your face.”

  She squeezed her legs tighter around my waist and my eyes grew twice their normal size.

  “My face? You should see your face right now.”

  “Hmmmm…”

  I put my hands on her waist and drew her even closer to me so that there was no more water between her torso and mine. With her eyes still locked on me, I ran my hands up her back and let my thumbs run just under the band of her bra. She tightened her grip on my neck and grasped the back of my hair. I then ran my hands back down and let my hands go all the way down and grabbed her butt and brought her even closer than she had been. I leaned down, taking advantage of her shock and stupor and ran kisses down her neck and over her shoulder the back towards her face. Then I kissed her jaw line just to tease her.

  “Kiss me Cooper.” She whispered breathlessly.

  And I did. We kissed until neither of us could tell one mouth from the other.

  “Did we come to make-out or to swim Mr. Neal?” She smiled as she choked out those words.

  She swam away from me while I stayed and…um…composed myself. We spent a few hours swimming and playing and kissing. I hoped that this was what the rest of our lives would be. I got out on a small ladder attached to the dock and helped her out. Our bodies brushed as she rose from the ladder and she gasped.

  I went to the car and got the towels and the blanket. She was shaking by the time I got back and she grabbed the towel from me and after we dried off we sat on the edge of the dock. I wrapped her up in the blanket too while she dried off.

  “Keep surprising me like this Cooper. This has been one of your best ideas yet.”

  “I’ve got lots of surprises planned for you. Just you wait.”

  “Hold me Coop, I’m freezing.” She said with a trembling chin.

  “Like you have to ask.”

  Remi

  I love Christmas time now. I didn’t used to. We never had much money and Mom was always working so it was just another day for us. When I was a kid, when Dad was around, they made it a big deal with the big tree and tons of presents and everything even though he spent most of the time drunk. I loved it this year because I actually had money in my pocket to buy gifts and I had someone that I loved to buy for.

  I walked into the retirement home to give Edith her present. She was in a quiet mood today. She always got quiet around holidays. It must be terrible to be alone on Christmas. We talked for the longest time. I told Aunt Brenda that I would be spending a good amount of time with Edith today.

  We talked about Cooper and as usual I hid no secrets, she was my confidante and I used her as therapy. I told her my fears and my plans. I even told her about the swimming part. She laughed and told me that it reminded her of herself and her husband when they were young.

  “How long did you date or court before he proposed?” I asked.

  “Oh, not long honey girl, I think it was three dates.” She giggled like she was right in the middle of the proposal.

  “Wow, that was fast.” I said.

  “Well, I believe that that kind of love comes quickly and fast and when you know, you know.”

  “I guess so. I knew I loved Cooper right away.”

  “So if you love him, the natural progression is getting married right?”

  She surprised me by s
aying that because I had reiterated over and over my plans to her about not getting married until I could support myself without the help of anyone.

  I didn’t want to say anything rude to her so I was just quiet.

  “I know you’re scared Remi. But you’ll never make the mistakes of your parents if you recognize that they made mistakes. And not all men are like your Dad. There are still some good ones left and I think you’ve found one darlin’”.

  The room’s walls were creeping in on me. I was sweating all of the sudden and the edges of my vision were graying up. Was that where Cooper was? Was he at that point where he wanted to marry me? No, it can’t be. He knows better. I know he loves me. And I certainly love him with everything in me, but I can’t. I won’t. I mean eventually if I get done with me, maybe. But that’s a long time away, right? Right?

  “I need to go. Merry Christmas and I hope you enjoy your gift.”

  “Remi? Are you ok?” She looked worried and I didn’t want to leave her like that.

  “Yes ma’am, I’m fine. I just need to get back home.” I said and tried to plaster on a smile.

  “Merry Christmas Remi.”

  “Merry Christmas to you.”

  I almost ran out of there and ran back home. I needed to chill out and fast. I was supposed to spend tonight with Cooper and his mom and dad. I ran into the bathroom and shucked my clothes as fast as I could getting tangled in my own jeans and almost landing flat faced on the floor. I turned the shower on full blast on the coldest it would go. I was still freaking out and then it all hit me in a wave of tears and confusion. I slid down until my naked rear end hit the tiles of the shower and before long I couldn’t tell the difference between the amount of tears and the water coming from the shower. I sat there for nearly an hour, and finally I was cried out.

  “This is ridiculous.” I told my own reflection as she stared back at me red eyes and all.

  “He wouldn’t do that to me. He knows how I feel.” Who was I trying to convince?

  I finally decided that I couldn’t be worried about something that may or may not happen. I got dressed in a red long sleeve shirt and some jeans, gathered up my presents and walked to Cooper’s house.

  Eric opened the door and it always surprised me that he looked almost identical to Cooper except that he was older and a little chubbier. But he was still a handsome man. I walked in and Cooper took my packages from me and lifted me in the air whispering “Merry Christmas” to me as he did.

  He turned to introduce his mom who grabbed me in a back crushing hug. She was really beautiful. She had shoulder length hair that was a deep brown and matching brown eyes. She was happy and went on and on about how much she had heard about me from Cooper.

  They made me open my gifts first. Ms. Trish and Eric bought an Old Navy gift card together and gave it to me. Hey shouldn’t have gotten me anything and I told them so. Of course they just brushed me off. Then it was time for Cooper’s present to be opened. He sat on the edge of the couch next to me. I unwrapped the paper snail pace slow just to taunt him.

  He finally turned to me and said, “Quit it Remi.”

  I laughed and ripped it open.

  “No freakin’ way. Is this real?” I asked while I turned the box over and over looking at it.

  “It better be.” Cooper laughed at me.

  “It’s a laptop.” I was in awe.

  “Oh man, it was supposed to be a donkey, they ripped me off.” Cooper rolled his eyes at me.

  “All right Cooper.” His Dad gave him a look.

  Cooper put his arm around me. “I thought you could use it for school now and then college.”

  I put it on the coffee table and reached out for him. He was the sweetest most considerate person I had ever met and he was doing everything he could to make sure I did what I needed to do. I was so silly for getting upset earlier.

  “Ok, your present sucks now,” I laughed.

  “Whatever you got me will be great. Give it to me.” He said.

  I handed it to him and I swear that boy nearly cried at just one look at a t shirt. A t shirt.

  “It’s signed with all the original band members.” He said.

  His Mom and Dad suddenly had things to get prepared in the kitchen and we were alone and he was still staring at his gift.

  “Well? Do you like it? You’re not saying anything.” I asked.

  He turned and hugged me like we hadn’t seen each other in months.

  “It’s the best gift I’ve ever, ever gotten. Thank you.”

  “The best ever? See…now I’m gonna get all stressed out next time trying to outdo this one.”

  “So you’re planning on being with me next Christmas?” He asked.

  “Duh.” I said. I didn’t like where this conversation has turned to. U-turn please!

  We were called to the kitchen and we ate Cooper’s Mom’s chicken spaghetti. It wasn’t a usual Christmas fare but Cooper was in heaven after the first bite.

  We finished eating and I said my goodbyes and he walked me home as usual.

  At my door he hugged me a little bit longer than usual and his kiss was different. Longer, slower, sweeter, but demanding all at the same time. I still couldn’t shake the feeling that Edith’s words gave me. It was gnawing at me gently but steadily. It was unnerving and I didn’t sleep a wink that Christmas Eve night.

  Cooper

  She looked like she had been crying but I didn’t say anything about it. I would get to the bottom of it tomorrow. I helped Mom clean up Eric’s living room of all the paper and bows and tape. She seemed to love her gift but it was on the surface. Something was chewing at her and I needed to find out. She hardly ate anything either and she had never been shy about eating, ever. I couldn’t believe her gift. A signed vintage Journey t shirt. It must’ve cost her a ton. I had seen them on an online auction one time, but it was way too expensive.

  I kissed my Mom who was still talking to Eric on the back porch, which was weird. I told Eric goodnight. Tomorrow we were going to my Gram’s house to spend Christmas morning with her as a surprise.

  I took a shower and got into bed and texted Remi before I went to sleep.

  Me: I love you. Merry Christmas.

  Remi: Merry Christmas Cooper.

  I knew that it seemed petty and childish, but she had never not said ‘I love you’ back. Never. And it bubbled in my gut all night.

  Remi

  I didn’t tell him I love him back. My fingers simply wouldn’t type it. I did love him; there was no doubt about that. None.

  How was I going to face him tomorrow?

  I was so nervous and on edge that my whole face seemed to be tingling with the anxious energy.

  It was reminiscent of a tsunami or what I knew of them. The waves looked fine, everything was calm. Then the whole ocean receded back into itself building and churning the overpowering wave that was to come. You didn’t recognize it at first but then you had the overwhelming need to run.

  Cooper

  She was surprised as can be when we showed up at the retirement home on Christmas morning. She was especially happy to see Mom and gave me an extra long squeeze. We opened presents and she made us watch Miracle on 34th street. I wondered how my girl was doing.

  I felt uneasy. I sat on the edge of Gram’s couch feeling like I needed to run to her and see her face and know that everything was ok.

  Remi

  I barely made it through the morning without crying. What was happening here? I felt like I was crumbling inch by inch, piece by piece waiting for a hammer to come down and smash me to pieces once and for all. Aunt Brenda and I exchanged gifts and she got me a laptop case and an iPod. She must’ve known what Cooper was getting me.

  I rubbed my fist in the center of my chest trying to press down the feeling of foreboding doom. But no matter how hard I pressed it wasn’t budging. It was attached to my sternum like a mold that was slowly spreading.

  Cooper

  I put her present in the glove box and a
blanket in the trunk. I was bringing her back to the swimming hole because she loved to go there. It was too cold for swimming, but we loved it just the same. I brought my stereo and iPod too and put them in the back seat. I double checked everything but it was all there. I felt like I was missing something. I went to pick her up and she put a huge bag in my trunk without even looking me in the eye.

  When she saw that we were going to the swimming hole she perked up, but again, it skimmed the surface. Her smiles weren’t reaching her eyes. Her touches were quick and reserved. No flirting or innuendos left that gorgeous mouth of hers even once. But I went ahead with my plan thinking that this was going to make her happy. It made me happy, she would be too.

  Remi

  I was trying. He could see through me though. I knew he would, but he wasn’t saying anything. I got out of the Cuda and went to the front where he was setting up his iPod on his stereo. He put on Each Coming Night by Iron and Wine and put out his hand for me. I went into his arms and let myself be comforted by my body next to his. The plague in my chest went away instantly and I sighed in contentment and in relief. He rubbed the small of my back as we danced and I hung on to him as tight as I could. As quickly as it had passed the feeling of doom came over me again and consumed me with renewed strength.

  The song stopped and he asked me to sit on the hood and wait for him. My body moved almost without my permission and sat on the hood. He came back with something in a bag. It was a navy blue bag and it was small. My ears started ringing the tiniest bit and a headache played drums on my temple.

  “Remi, you know I love you.”

  God, don’t let this be happening.

  “I can’t see a life without you in it.”

  I need to stop him.

  “This isn’t an engagement ring, so don’t be upset.”

  For a split second I wasn’t until he pulled out the box.

  “It’s just a promise ring. I promise to love you and support you in your life and I will always be here for you.”

  It’s still a ring, it might as well be an engagement ring.