Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  "I'd better go," I said, not sure why I didn't like him imagining a different woman instead of me now.

  "Wait," he called after me.

  I stopped and swallowed hard. The room suddenly felt too small for the two of us.

  I stayed with my back to Mr. Bowen, though I swear I could feel every small step he was taking closer to me, as if he was pulling me to him with an unseen string, and I didn't know how to break free from it.

  "I'd like to apologize," he said, as he stopped right behind me. His breath tickled the back of my neck, as if his lips were about to touch my skin. Goosebumps ran down my spine.

  "For what?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

  "For being the pig that you called me."

  I didn't mean to, but smiled despite how uneasy his closeness made me feel.

  "Apology accepted," I said and then turned to look at him.

  I was right – he was standing very close to me. He was tall and I had to look up to see his face. His eyes, shining with all the shades of silver bewitched me. So intense and magnetic, their look made me feel insecure and too weak to move.

  But his next words were unexpected, "Thank you for staying with us. It means the world to…everyone."

  "Even to you?" I didn't mean to push my luck with him, but I'd be dammed if I missed my chance to tick him off one more time. Everything about the way he talked to me sounded like a challenge. And despite how much I hated to admit it, I liked it, a lot more than it was allowed to feel.

  His eyes never left mine and I could see the reflections of my face in his look. I felt like he was drinking me in, like I was wine and he wouldn't leave a drop of me, getting under my skin and right to where my new heart was beating as fast as ever. I could almost feel him touch it, as if I was unable to stop him from taking whatever he wanted.

  Stillness enwrapped us. Not a sound could be heard in the house. Just our breathing. This kind of thick silence would normally scare me; it reminded me of my sleepless nights back in the orphanage, when everyone fell asleep and I stayed wide awake, trying to remember how I got there and why no one wanted to take me home. But right now, silence meant truce; no more arguing or words I would regret saying later. I was okay with a truce.

  Mr. Bowen's lips parted and I hoped to hear anything, but what he said, "Good night, Miss Shelton." He left my question unanswered and my heart fell.

  "Good night, Mr. Bowen. Be careful with glass things. They tend to be very fragile."

  CHAPTER 4

  "Do you like your new job?" Mom asked, pouring me a cup of cinnamon tea. It was my day off, and I was spending it with my family. Being back home felt really good. Though a part of me missed the place that was filled with secrets and the laughter of the little girl who in two weeks managed to steal my heart and keep it locked in her small palms.

  "I do," I replied, smiling at the memory of Ariel and me playing in the backyard. Somehow, my time with her associated with warmth, light and happiness never known before. Or maybe it was the desire to have my own kids that suddenly turned me into a prisoner of the girl's charming nature.

  "Is your boss treating you well," Ian asked, joining mom and me in the kitchen.

  "I don't see him much. He's a very busy man." I preferred to leave our quarrel unmentioned. I didn't want my family to think I'd made the wrong choice by working for Mr. Bowen.

  Suddenly, the doorbell rang and my brother rushed out of the kitchen.

  "Are we expecting someone?" I looked at mom.

  She smiled. "Ian invited Mia to join us for dinner."

  "Oh… I thought they were just friends."

  "That's what both of them keep telling everyone." Mom gave me a meaningful look.

  But Mia's visit turned out to be most welcome. She and I needed to talk. And it was better to do it here, and not at the Bowen's.

  "Eden, what a great surprise!" She said, walking into the kitchen. "I didn't know you would be here tonight. Is everything okay?" She came to greet me with a hug.

  "Yes, it's my day off."

  "Oh, I see. How are things with Ariel going?"

  "Good, really good."

  "And what about Blake?"

  Was I imagining things, or did the mention of my boss's name put mom and Ian on the alert? Both of them stared at me, as if I was about to announce he wasn't a human, but a Beast from the fairytale who would lock me in his castle for the rest of my life.

  "I think we have come to an understanding after all." I still remembered what he said last night before I left his office. Thank you for staying with us. It means the world to…everyone.

  "I'm glad to hear that." Mia looked relieved. She and Ian shared a look the meaning of which I couldn't understand.

  "Can I ask you something?" I said to Mia.

  "Sure. What is it?"

  I thought for a moment before saying, "You knew Rachel, didn’t you? In person I mean."

  Mia's face paled. "Of course, I did. Why?"

  "Do you think she and I look alike?"

  Ian gave Mia a troubled look, as if he wanted to protect her from something, or stop her from answering my question. I thought it was strange.

  "You do have something similar in your appearances, but it doesn't mean you look alike." She let out a nervous laugh. "Did Blake say something about it?"

  "No. But Ariel did. I think this is why she wanted me to stay and work as her babysitter."

  "Poor girl," mom said. "She's so alone now."

  Mia protested. "She's not. She has an uncle who loves her to the moon and back. And knowing Blake, I'm sure he will do anything in his power to make sure the girl never feels the lack of love and care."

  "What about her father?" Ian asked.

  "Reggie said he doesn't know about her existence. I guess it was her mom's decision not to tell him anything."

  "All right, kids. Enough talking. Let's go to the dining room and have dinner."

  I was all for it. I missed breakfast, hoping to spend more time at home and see how things at the flower shop were going. Mom said clients started to visit it more often which was good news for us. I really wanted the place to be popular again. I put all of me into it and I didn't want to sell it if things turned from bad to worse there.

  Mia took a seat next to mine, and asked, "Is the fact that Ari might have seen her mom in you bothering you?"

  "A little."

  "Why?"

  I lowered my head and remembered the words that Mr. Bowen said. A part of me knew he had a point. "I can't be her babysitter forever…"

  "But it doesn't mean you can't keep seeing her even if you decide to quit one day."

  "I know. I just don’t want her to suffer anymore."

  "I think you are overdramatizing, Eden. Ariel is smart enough to know that your job won't last forever. But please, don't take the time that you two can spend together away from her. Mom was everything to her. She knows you are not Rachel. But what would you do if you lost someone you loved and then met a person who reminded you of the one you lost? Would you regret the meeting?"

  It was easy. I thought about my parents and my lost memories of them. I would give away everything I had to get all of the above back. Even if it was not quite the same thing. "I would hold onto every tiny thing that would keep me connected to that person."

  After dinner was over, Mia and I helped mom clean the table, while Ian and my dad went outside to fix my father's car. Its engine refused to work correctly.

  "Mia, would you help me please choose a present for Ariel? Her birthday is right around the corner and I have no idea what to buy her."

  "She wants a new bike. But don't tell Blake or he will steal this idea." She put a teapot on the table and sighed. "Rachel promised to buy it for her birthday…"

  I took a deep breath, fighting sudden tears that burned my eyes. I don't know why I felt like crying. But every time Ariel mentioned something she wanted to do with her mom and failed, I had this strong desire to make it happen. I didn't want to take her mom's place
in her heart, but I wanted to do something to help her get through losing her.

  "A bike is a good idea," I said. "I'll buy her the most beautiful bike in the world."

  ***

  "Did you enjoy your time with your family?" I was combing Ariel's hair before I read her a bedtime story.

  "I did. They asked me a lot of questions about you." I smiled at her reflection in the mirror.

  "Really?"

  I responded with a nod.

  "Do you think I could meet them one day?"

  "Well… We should probably ask your uncle about it first."

  Ari rolled her eyes. "Right. I hate asking for permission, you know?"

  I chuckled and said, "I've figured that out by now."

  "Blake does whatever he wants. He never comes to ask for my permission."

  "Not true."

  Ari and I turned to the sound of her uncle's voice. He stood in the doorway, with his arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing black pants and a white shirt with its sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looked a little tired and I was dying to ask if he was all right.

  After giving me a long look, he spoke to Ari, "Remember I asked if I could take one of your pencils to highlight a few lines in my papers?" He walked to us and stopped next to me. Our eyes met in the mirror.

  "It wasn't a big deal," Ariel said, leaning against the back of her chair. "You never ask if I mind you going to a different country. But you still travel a lot."

  Mr. Bowen's gaze switched to Ari. "It's because I need to work a lot, or I won't be able to buy you presents. Speaking of which… What would you like to get for your birthday?"

  Please don't say it's a bike, I pleaded mentally. I really wanted to be the very person who bought it for her.

  "Can you take me to Lily's?"

  "Lily's? I asked, puzzled. I didn't remember Ariel mention that name before.

  Mr. Bowen said, "Lily…she was Rachel's grandmother." Again, our eyes met in the mirror and again I caught myself wondering about the thoughts running through his head at that moment.

  "She died a long time ago," Ariel said. "But mom and I loved going to her old house. It's near the river and we often swam there during the summer."

  A picture of a riverbank came to my mind. I shook my head, as if trying to get rid of the image. Someone's laughter rang in my ears.

  "Eden, will you go to Lily's with us? Blake, will you let her go with us? Please!"

  "Why not?" Followed his response.

  "YAY! You're gonna love the place," Ariel said to me. But my expression obviously wasn't as excited as hers. "Eden, are you okay?" Worried, she stood up from the chair and touched my hand.

  "I'm fine." I blinked a few times and the picture, as well as the voices, were gone.

  "Are you sure you are fine?" Mr. Bowen asked. The look in his eyes was troubled.

  "Yeah."

  Ariel smiled and wrapped one arm around my waist, trying to comfort me. "Have you taken your medicines today?"

  "What medicines?" Her uncle asked.

  "I…"

  "She needs to take them every day to keep her heart beating." Ariel asked about my medicines the first time she saw me taking them. I didn't give away the details of my state, but I told her they were for my heart.

  "Do you have heart problems?" Mr. Bowen sounded genuinely surprised. People my age rarely suffered any heard deceases.

  "I wouldn't call it a problem," I said. "But medicines are a must."

  He didn't look satisfied with my answer. "Do you mind having a cup of tea with me?"

  Now that was a turn to the story.

  "After you read a fairytale for Ariel," he added. He looked a little ashamed by his own words. Maybe he still felt guilty about the quarrel that we had the other day.

  "Sure," I replied.

  He looked relieved to hear my answer. He kissed Ariel good night and said he would be waiting for me in the kitchen.

  After he left, Ari got into her bed and said, "It was the first time that I saw him blush."

  I tried to hide my smile. "I thought I was the only person who noticed that."

  She giggled. "Don't tell him about it. Boys tend to be very sensitive when it comes to their reputation."

  My eyes went wide. "How would you know that, young lady?"

  She shrugged as if her comment was not a big deal. "Isn't it true?"

  "It is true."

  See? Her look said. I was right after all.

  "Okay. What shall we read today?"

  "How about Cinderella? I'm sure prince charming blushed too when he tried to put a crystal shoe on her foot."

  "Anything's possible."

  We laughed and I went to find the needed book.

  About half an hour later, after Ari fell asleep, I adjusted her blanket, kissed her forehead and left the room, feeling a bit nervous about the upcoming tea time with her uncle.

  As expected, he was waiting for me in the kitchen. There were two cups on the table and a teapot with what I thought was freshly-brewed tea.

  I took a seat on Mr. Bowen's right. "Who would have thought you knew how to use a teapot?" I couldn't stop myself from saying it.

  The words humored my boss. He smiled slightly and poured some tea into my cup. "I have many talents."

  No doubt, I thought to myself.

  "Have you taken the mentioned by Ariel medicines?"

  "I have. I usually take them in the mornings."

  "What exactly are they? Vitamins?"

  "No. But, in simple words, they help my new heart get used to living inside my body."

  It took him a few moments to understand the meaning of what I said.

  "Did you…have a heart transplant surgery?"

  "Yes. This summer."

  "It's the first time that I'm talking to someone with a donor's heart."

  I smiled. "People like me are not someone you meet on a daily basis."

  "Wow…I don't know what to say. Was it hard to get used to your new heart?"

  "Um…no, not really. I didn't feel any difference. Except my sudden love for the early morning wakeups. I had never been an early bird before."

  "I wish I could make my sleep last longer than five hours. But I just can't make my mind shut up and give me a break."

  "What thoughts won’t let you sleep?"

  I took a sip of my tea. It turned to be orange flavored. I liked it.

  "Do you want to hear the truth?"

  I looked him in the eye. "Of course I do."

  "Since the day I saw you in the dining room for the very first time, I can't stop thinking about you…"

  "Me or Rachel?"

  Our eyes stayed locked and I thought he would leave my question unanswered, but he surprised me with his response.

  "Both of you actually. Rachel and I… It's a long story. But it's not what I wanted to tell you tonight."

  "Then what is it?" With the illumination in the kitchen, the color of his eyes looked a bit magical, as if he could cast a spell and I would fall for it.

  "I'd like to apologize…"

  "I thought you did it last night."

  "I'd like to apologize for making you feel like you were not welcomed in this house."

  Oh, now I knew what he meant by that.

  "You are right. The fact that everyone sees a different person in me is not something I'm used to. But I understand why this is happening."

  "You are not her, we all know it. But…"

  "It's okay. It's been just a few months since you lost her. There's no surprise you keep seeing her everywhere."

  He nodded and lowered his eyes, as if watching me now wasn't easy.

  "Did you love her?" I asked, surprising both of us with my question. I didn't mean to dig into his heart. But a part of me, a very curious part of me, wanted to hear the answer.

  The look he gave me said it all.

  "I did… Still do. And probably always will."

  The cup in my hands shook and I put it on the saucer, afraid I would drop it
and break it. I knew he had feelings for Ariel's mom, but hearing him confirm my assumptions made me feel a little uncomfortable. Like I didn't deserve to be here, make everyone see her in me and make them even more miserable because of losing her.

  "I wish I could replace my heart with a new one, like you did." He gave me a long, thoughtful look. "Maybe then, it would stop bleeding for Rachel…"

  CHAPTER 5

  Blake

  Twelve years ago

  The day was suffocating hot. I could feel the drops of sweat roll down my spine and the view of the broken air conditioner wasn't helping a fucking thing.

  I looked at my watch and cursed mentally. If they don't give me my schedule in two, I'll send to hell my first day of classes and go to the nearest pool to cool off.

  "Blake! Over here!" Mason, my roommate, called out. He waved a paper with what I assumed was our schedule for the first semester and breathed a sigh of relief.

  "How the hell did you get it?" I looked at the crowd standing at the secretary's office and then back at Mason.

  "You will never believe it – I bribed Susie with my brilliant smile."

  "I can believe it actually. But who's Susie?"

  He chuckled. "Just don't tell me you don't know her."

  "Guilty."

  "Where have you been since three years ago when she was assigned to be our course mentor?"

  "Oh… I always thought her name was Sarah."

  He laughed and shook his head. "Let's get out of here before your brain melts completely."

  Just when we were out, I saw a lonely girl coming to the door. She was wearing a light blue dress that danced gracefully with her every step. Her dark-brown hair was in a small ponytail. But what made me stop and stare at her were her eyes – big and dark like plain chocolate. Something about their depth wouldn't let me move. I just wanted to stay there and watch her.

  "Who's that?" I asked Mason, who was a well-known womanizer and I swear he knew all the girls in the university.

  "Rachel Perry – a first-year student of the Law Department. Likes cats, Queen and vanilla ice-cream. She's gonna share a room with Mia."

  Mia Johnson and I grew up together. Our fathers were best friends and Mia was like a sister to me.