Violets are not Blue

by Melissa Toppen

  I want to prove to her that I’m not that man anymore. I’m not the man she made that bet with all those weeks ago. Hell, I’m not the man I was two weeks ago. She’s had that much of an impact on me.

  When I reach Blue’s building it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe again until I see her. Until I make her understand what she means to me.

  I don’t see her car in her usual spot, but knowing that doesn’t mean anything, as she Uber’s a lot. After I park my car, I head up to her apartment.

  After five minutes of knocking, it becomes apparent that she’s not home. Either that or she’s doing a really good job of ignoring me.

  Regardless, I’m not leaving until I see her. So, I do the only thing I feel like I can do. I slide down onto the floor and pull my knees up into my chest, prepared to wait all night if I have to.

  Whatever it takes...

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Blue

  When I woke up this morning I felt like I had been run over by a truck. My body hurt in places I didn’t know it could hurt and I had the mother of all hangovers. Correction – have. I have the mother of all hangovers – present tense.

  I stayed the night at Hannah’s, though I don’t remember when or how we got here. Most of the night is a bit of a blur. I’m sure the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed has something to do with that.

  All I know is that when I stumbled out into her living room after ten this morning, she was waiting on me with donuts and coffee. My first indicator that something was amiss.

  Slowly, I remembered bits and pieces of the night. I remember being at the bar with Hannah. I remember my revelation and making a fool of myself as I screamed it to anyone that would listen. And I remember her...

  Tears prick the backs of my eyes just thinking about it.

  Hannah filled me in on the rest.

  The next bar. The shots. The tears. Me puking out the Uber car’s window.

  Not my finest moment, I’ll admit. But again, this is what love does to me. This is why I wrote it off all those years ago. This is why I refused to acknowledge my feelings for Harris even when I knew the truth. Because of how I feel right now.

  I showered at Hannah’s. I had no choice. My hair was matted to the side of my head, my clothes had vomit on them, and I had more mascara on my face than on my eye lashes. And while Hannah is a size smaller than me, she was able to rustle up a pair of yoga pants and an old Red Sox t-shirt for me to wear home.

  I nearly burst into tears when she laid it on the bed for me. It was impossible not to think about Harris. Every time I look down all I can think about is the baseball game he took me to and how that night was kind of like our beginning.

  Dragging myself up the stairs toward my apartment, I’m not sure what hurts worse – my body or my heart.

  It’s my fault. I know that. Maybe that’s the hardest part. Knowing that I had him and gave him away. What did I expect? Had the roles been reversed, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the exact same thing. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the bitter pill go down any easier.

  When I turn the corner to enter my hallway, I’m momentarily stunned by the sight of Harris sitting in front of my apartment, his head dropped back against the door as he sleeps.

  I take a moment to study him. The curve of his face. The way his hair falls over his eyes in that sexy way I love. His rumpled clothing that I know for a fact he was wearing yesterday.

  Wait...

  How long has he been here?

  I stand motionless for a long moment, not sure what my next move should be. Do I turn around and leave, hoping that when I return he’s gone? Do I face him, knowing that after everything that’s transpired there’s no way for us to be together?

  I’m still weighing my options when Harris’ eyes flutter open and lock directly on my face.

  “I was beginning to think you weren’t ever coming home.” His voice is thick with sleep, or lack thereof.

  “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it,” I admit, having considered a lot of things over the last twenty-four hours. One of which involved me jumping in my car and driving as far away as I could.

  “What changed your mind?” he asks, shoving his hair away from his face as he stands.

  “I’m not sure it has changed.”

  “And yet here you are.”

  “Here I am.” I shrug.

  “Blue, about last night.”

  I hold my hand up to stop him. “No offense, Harris, but I really don’t want to know.” I step past him and shove my key into the lock, popping it open seconds later.

  “It’s not what you think.” He follows me inside without me inviting him.

  “I’m sure it wasn’t.” I keep my back to him as I head to the kitchen to grab some Tylenol. “Let me guess, she’s an old friend that came over to hang out.” I unscrew the lid off the medication and empty a couple of pills into my hand before setting the bottle on the counter.

  “Actually—”

  “Don’t insult my intelligence, Harris.” I grab a water from the fridge and twist off the cap before spinning around to face him. “I’m not stupid.”

  I can’t pretend that I’m not angry. Even if I have no right to be.

  “I know you’re not.”

  “What you do and who you do are no longer my concern.” I pop the pills in my mouth and quickly wash them down.

  “Dammit, Blue, would you stop for two seconds and let me explain?” The tone of his voice makes me take pause. “I didn’t sleep with Loraine.”

  “Loraine.” I let her name roll off my tongue with a bitter laugh.

  “She’s my real estate agent,” he continues before I can cut him off again. “She did me a favor by stopping by my apartment after work yesterday evening to show me some active listings she has for sale.”

  “Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with?” I take another swig of water, feeling extremely parched all of a sudden.

  “It’s not something I came up with. It’s the truth. We had been going through listings for about an hour when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Which just happens to be the same time you showed up. When Loraine told me she had answered the door, I knew instantly that it was you. I came straight here to explain.”

  “You’ve been here all night?”

  “I didn’t want to risk missing you. I needed you to know that I’m not the person you think I am. I meant what I said yesterday. I love you. I don’t want any other woman.” He steps toward me. “I just want you.”

  “Harris, I...”

  “I was looking at houses for us,” he interrupts me before I can say anything.

  “What?” My eyes widen. What the hell is he talking about?

  “You can tell me you don’t love me until the end of time, and I still wouldn’t believe it. Did you really think I was just going to give up? That’s not in my nature; that much you should know by now.”

  “So your solution was to buy a house?” I turn to set my water on the counter before facing him again.

  “I thought if I showed you that I was serious about you, about the baby, about everything, that maybe I could change your mind.”

  “So your solution was to buy a house?” I repeat the same question again.

  “Well, when you say it like that you make me feel stupid for even entertaining the idea.” He reaches around and squeezes the back of his neck, seeming uncertain in a way I’ve never seen him before.

  He usually oozes confidence but that’s not the case right now. Now he just seems... unsure.

  “I just...” He thinks over his words. “I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t playing games. I thought if I made some grand gesture then maybe you’d see...”

  “See what?”

  “How hopelessly in love with you I am.”

  “Harris.” I suck in a sharp breath.

  “I mean it, Blue. I love you. And I don’t care who the father of the baby is.
It doesn’t change anything.”

  “I’m not pregnant,” I blurt, not missing the way his eyes widen in surprise.

  “What?”

  “I’m not pregnant. I went to my doctor yesterday. That’s where I was going when you showed up. She said the test they administered at the hospital was a false positive.”

  “I didn’t even know that could happen.”

  “Neither did I, but apparently it’s more common than you would think.”

  “So you’re not pregnant?”

  “I’m not pregnant.”

  “Wow.” He blows out a puff of air. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all this.”

  “You and me both.” I lean against the counter, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

  “Is that why you came to my apartment last night? To tell me that you aren’t pregnant.”

  “Yep.”

  “And there was no other reason?” He looks at me as if he’s willing me to say the words.

  “After I left the doctor, I called Hannah. I was so confused and unsure of how I was feeling about everything. I went from not wanting the baby to almost disappointed when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. It was a lot for me to process so we brought in reinforcements.”

  “Reinforcements, as in...”

  “Jose Cuervo.”

  “Gotcha.” He nods his head in understanding. “That would explain the clothes.” He gestures to my outfit, or rather Hannah’s outfit.

  “What’s wrong with my clothes?”

  “Nothing, I just know they aren’t yours.”

  “And how do you know that?”

  “Because I pay attention.” He takes a step closer to me but keeps a couple of feet between us. “So, you were saying?”

  “Anyway, after quite a few reinforcements, and some guidance from a very persistent best friend, I started to realize something.”

  “And that is?” he questions when I fall silent.

  “That I’m not as sure about love as I thought I was. Or at least that’s what I was thinking until I showed up at your apartment and another woman answered your door.”

  “Go back. What do you mean that you aren’t as sure about love as you thought you were?”

  “I realized something. Something I think I’ve always known but refused to admit to myself until last night.” I pause, pulling in a deep breath. “You were right. I don’t hate love. I fear it. Every single time I’ve gotten close to someone, they’ve hurt me. Each time was worse than the time before and I finally reached a point where I didn’t think my heart could take any more pain. So, I closed it off. I boarded it up and I shut myself off to the possibility of love. I never wanted anyone to have that kind of power over me ever again.” I knot my hands nervously in front of myself. “I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I could go through life alone and be happy with the choice I made. But then you came along...” I trail off.

  “What are you trying to say, Blue?”

  “I realized I was wrong. None of what I said to you yesterday was true. I do want a family. I want a husband and children and people to share my life with. I want all of that but I was too scared and stubborn to admit it to myself. Let alone anyone else.” I hesitantly meet his gaze, not sure what I’ll find when I do. “When I thought I was pregnant, the thought terrified me. I thought I was scared because it isn’t what I want. Turns out, I was scared because it is. It just took me losing everything to realize it.”

  I let the admission settle before continuing. “I pushed you away because I thought it would be easier to lose you than to love you. I was wrong about that, too.”

  “You’re going to have to do better than that, Blue.” A small smile tugs at his lips.

  “You win,” I tell him simply, knowing he’ll understand.

  “I’m sorry, can you speak up? I’m not sure I heard you correctly?” He holds his hand up to his ear.

  I should have known he wouldn’t make this easy on me.

  “You win,” I repeat louder.

  “And what did I win exactly?”

  “Me.” I shrug, not sure if he still wants me after everything I put him through.

  Harris is on me so fast I don’t have time to react. His hand tangles in my hair as he pulls me to him, his lips brushing mine seconds later.

  “I love you,” I whisper, my voice trembling.

  “I love you, too.” I feel him smile against my mouth. “Victory never tasted so sweet,” he murmurs, deepening the kiss.

  Every emotion hits me – one after the other – and among them is fear. Only this time I won’t let it rule me. There will always be fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of the things you can’t control. Only this time it’s outweighed by something much stronger: love.

  Because I do love Harris. From the top of my head, to the tips of my fingers, to the bottom of my feet, there isn’t a part of me that he doesn’t own.

  I am his. And he is mine.

  ——

  “Tell me something.” Harris takes my hand that’s lying on his chest and tangles his fingers with mine.

  “Like what?” I ask, snuggling deeper in his embrace.

  “Like what you want.”

  “I thought I already did.”

  “I want to hear you say it again.”

  I smile, not able to contain the sheer happiness that’s bubbling out of every pore. How freeing it is to finally accept my feelings. I hadn’t realized how much fighting them was taking away from my time with Harris. And now, I don’t plan to waste another second.

  “I want you.”

  “And.” He chuckles.

  “And I love you.”

  “I don’t think that will ever get old.” He drops a kiss to the top of my head.

  “You say that now. Give it some time.”

  “You could say it a hundred times a day for the rest of our lives and I don’t think I will ever tire of it.”

  “The rest of our lives?” I peer up at him. “Planning our future already?”

  “I was house shopping before I even knew I had you. What do you think?” He grins down at me.

  “About that. You’re not seriously going to buy a house, are you?”

  “Why not?”

  “Doesn’t it seem a bit premature to you?”

  “I’ve waited my entire life to find someone that makes me feel even half of what I feel every day when I’m with you. I’m all in.”

  “But a house? Maybe we could start a little smaller.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Well, telling our friends and families for starters. And maybe the people at work.”

  “Okay.”

  “My parents are probably going to want to meet you,” I add. “Do you think that would be okay?”

  The smile that stretches across his face is one that will go down in history as one of the best smiles I’ve ever seen.

  “Seriously?” He shifts to his side so that we’re lying face to face, our noses just inches apart.

  “Seriously. But only if you want to.”

  “If I want to.” He snorts. “Blue Daniels, I would like nothing more.”

  “So, is that a yes?”

  “That is a thousand yeses. I can’t wait to meet the people responsible for bringing you into this world.”

  His response makes me so happy. Deliriously so.

  “Okay. I’ll call my mom later and see when we can make something happen.” I reach out and brush his hair away from his forehead. “Let’s put a pause on the house search for right now, though.”

  “You sure? I found some pretty spectacular ones.”

  “I’m sure. Baby steps.”

  “Fine.” He playfully pouts. “I will agree to call off the house hunt if you agree to move in with me.”

  “I think you’re not understanding the concept of baby steps.” I giggle when he leans in and slides his nose against mine.

  “What? I agreed to not buy a house, didn’t I?”

&n
bsp; “Can we maybe try dating for a little while and see how it goes first?”

  “Give it a week. You’ll be begging to move in with me.” A look I know all too well flashes in his eyes.

  “Uh oh. Do I feel a bet coming on?” I bite my lip to contain my smile.

  “You know me so well already.”

  “Alright then, Mr. Avery. Name your terms.”

  Epilogue

  Blue

  Ten Months Later

  “Babe, have you seen my phone?” Harris slides up behind me in the kitchen where I’m busy making his favorite dinner, chicken carbonara.

  “I think it’s on the coffee table.” I nod toward the living room.

  We’ve been in our new house for a little over three weeks. We started looking less than a month after we officially began dating. I guess it’s safe to say that Harris won the bet we made that night. He had me moved in with him within a week and an engagement ring on my finger a month later, which is when the house hunt began.

  We looked for months before we finally found the right one. A four-bedroom, two story home in a neighborhood a few miles outside of the city. Clearly we had our future children in mind when we made this decision.

  Things with Harris have progressed so quickly in the almost year we’ve been together. Not only were we living together and engaged after one month of dating, three months after that we were married. My parents were worried that we were moving too fast, even though they both adored Harris from the moment they met him. But neither one of us wanted to wait to start our lives together. We knew we had found our person.

  “There it is. Everett was supposed to call me back earlier and I haven’t heard from him. Have you talked to Hannah?”

  “Not since this morning.” I turn, grabbing the sheet tray of garlic bread off the counter before sliding it into the oven.

  “I wonder if I should call him again.” His voice gets louder as he walks into the kitchen.

  “He’ll call you back,” I reassure him, smiling when he slides up next to me and leans forward, sniffing the food.

  “Smells amazing.” He groans and I swear it’s the most seductive sound in the world. He does it on purpose because he knows it gets to me.