William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless
Page 6
I’d gladly have a copy of, in sooth.
CHER
My pleasure ’tis to furnish thee therewith!
[She hands him a portrait of Tai.
[To all:] My thanks, dear friends, that ye did sit for me.
[Exeunt all but Cher and Tai, who sit together.
Didst hear the words that pour’d from Elton’s mouth?
He took thy picture! Thinks thee beautiful!
Mine expectations greatly are surpass’d.
TAI
Miraculous, and I have thee to thank.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
CHER
Good even, Father. This is my friend, Tai.
MEL
[to Tai:] No other greeting can I make but this:
Sit not upon my chair. I bid thee, move!
TAI moves to another chair. Enter LUCY, serving food.
CHER
I thank thee, Lucy—this doth look delicious.
LUCY
[aside:] Her father shall not like it—get me hence!
[Exit Lucy in haste.
MEL
What is this refuse, which I shall refuse?
CHER
It cometh from the pages sacrosanct
Of Cut Cholesterol, a vital tome.
Thy Doctor Lovett says thy weight must drop
’Til ’tis fourteen and one-half stone or less.
[A bell rings.
MEL
No messages tonight.
CHER
—O, Father, pray:
It’s Dionne, and may be important.
MEL
—Nay!
Apologies, yet we shall eat in peace,
Like other fam’lies in their happy homes.
What happen’d unto thee in school today?
CHER
Of all the classes I attended and
The lectures that I heard, this mov’d me most:
My purple clogs I finally broke in.
The bell rings again. Enter a MESSENGER to speak to MEL. Enter DIONNE severally.
DIONNE
[whispering:] Cher, Cher!
CHER
[aside, to Dionne:] —Dee, what is it?
DIONNE
—I bid thee, hear:
My Murray studieth geometry
Near where young Elton’s locker may be found.
He spied, within, the portrait thou didst paint
Of Tai.
CHER
[aloud:] —By heaven!
TAI
—What? What is it, Cher?
CHER
Thy picture doth adorn sweet Elton’s locker.
TAI
O my!
DIONNE
[aside, to Cher:] —The crew entire unto the Valley
Shall travel to a party presently.
Wilt thou withal?
CHER
[aside, to Dionne:] —We shall, to claim Tai’s fate!
Now, get thee gone, my father doth return!
He doth expect thee not, and, verily,
The man is in a frightful mood today.
[Exit Dionne.
TAI
Surprising turn! O, I am nearly faint!
CHER
Bear up, for we must to the Valley soon,
This party we’ll attend—for thee, a boon.
[Exeunt.
The Valley and environs.
Enter DIONNE and MURRAY in his carriage.
MURRAY
Gaze thou upon the map, toward the top—
Sun Valley is due north.
DIONNE
—Nay, just Bel Air,
Where they sip juice out of a champagne glass,
Though I have heard they’re prissy—bourgeois, too.
MURRAY
Thine eyes misguide thee, on the wrong map look.
What is the number writ upon the top?
DIONNE
No numbers there, but letters.
MURRAY
—Fie, enow!
They stop. Enter CHER and TAI, climbing into the carriage with them. They drive on.
CHER
Remember, Tai, be sure that Elton sees
Thee first, but be thou not the first to speak.
Appear delighted by the company,
The night, with all its splendor and its thrills.
Look like the lass most popular of all,
And truly ev’ryone shall think thee thus.
If thou hast conversation with a lad,
Talk to his eyeline, look thou never down.
Approach no one, yet let them come to thee.
Be thou most prudent—give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion’d thought its act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
When thou art speaking with a man, make some
Excuse to leave the dialogue too soon—
Thus thou shalt ever keep him wanting more.
Dost understand?
TAI
—I do!
CHER
—Apt pupil, thou!
The carriage stops and all disembark. Enter many STUDENTS at the party including ELTON, AMBER, SUMMER, and LAWRENCE. Enter TRAVIS, doing a trick on a skateboard.
TRAVIS
Be ready, for I soar o’er your heads!
[Travis rides aside.
TAI
Didst see how he, like bird majestic, flew?
CHER
A board on skates shall not impress me, Tai—
Five years ago ’twas trendy, now ’tis lame.
TRAVIS
[approaching:] You came unto the party—brilliant!
[To Tai:] Wouldst like some beer? For I can fetch it.
[Travis scampers off to get a drink.
CHER
I prithee, guard thyself from all his charms.
[Cher, Dionne, Tai, and Murray enter the house.
MURRAY
A-ha! A festival of merry souls!
TAI
A wondrous gathering!
CHER
—We’ll walk one lap,
Perambulate round the perimeter
Ere we commit to any one location.
[A woman begins dancing with Murray. Dionne pushes her aside.
DIONNE
Who was that wench, and wherefore danc’st with her?
MURRAY
Nay, I know not, my love—’twas she approach’d.
TAI
Behold thou, Cher, how Amber is array’d—
Is’t not the dress that thou wore yesterday?
CHER
[to Amber:] O, Ambular.
AMBER
—Good even, precious Cher.
CHER
Hast thou been ambling through my laundry, friend?
AMBER
As if! As if I’d ever copy thee,
As if thou art the paragon of style,
As if thy clothes are aught to be desir’d,
As if I’d wear a rag from Judy’s Shoppe!
CHER
Thou mayst require an ambulance anon—
Dost thou prefer the label fashion victim,
Or merely this: ensembly challengèd?
AMBER
Tut!
[Amber walks aside.
CHER
[to Tai:] —What a clone! A poor one, too, in troth.
TAI
I’ll warrant thou look’st far more fetching in
That gown than ever she could.
TRAVIS
[approaching:] —Ladies!
Your drinks I’ve brought with swiftness utmost.
[He brings drinks but spills some on Cher’s shoes.
>
CHER
Hast thou no manners, imp? These satin are!
I thank thee, Travis, for my ruin’d shoes:
Record it with your high and worthy deeds.
TRAVIS
Apologies, I meant no damage.
[Cher and Tai walk aside. Travis follows.
CHER
Beg pardon, I must have a towel anon!
[She finds a towel and dabs her shoes.
[To Travis:] This cannot be repair’d—they are destroy’d.
TRAVIS
A paltry sum to pay unto the
Gods who have given us this party!
If my blunder has offended thee,
Soon Travis shall restore amends, Cher.
Wouldst care for these, my drugs most chronic?
CHER
It is, methinks, the least that thou canst do.
TRAVIS
Hurrrah! The party presseth onward.
TAI
I bid thee, light the flame and we shall smoke.
[Travis lights a smoke.
CHER
[to Tai:] Behold, across the room! ’Tis Elton, dancing.
Pretend that Travis humorously speaks.
[Tai laughs heartily. Travis tries to laugh, too.
TRAVIS
Our merriment is yet a myst’ry.
Remind me, Tai: why are we laughing?
TAI
I know naught, for there’s nothing funny here.
TRAVIS
[aside:] A lass most wondrous, yet confounding.
ELTON
[approaching:] Good even, may I share the smoke with thee?
SUMMER
My friends, let us play Scylla and Charybdis,
The game that’s better known as suck and blow.
ELTON
[aside:] The perfect chance for my romantic ruse,
Wherewith I may catch Cher in an embrace.
[Summer brings a playing card to her mouth, sucks it to her lips, and approaches Travis. He sucks the card to his lips as Summer releases it. Travis passes the card to Tai, and Tai to Elton. Elton lets the card drop to the ground as his lips approach Cher’s, and he kisses her heartily. All laugh.
CHER
Thou common-kissing lout! Canst thou not suck?
DIONNE
[screaming:] Ay me, for pity!
CHER
—Dionne’s voice doth call.
[Cher and Tai rush across the room to Dionne’s side, where she watches in dismay as Lawrence shaves Murray’s head.
DIONNE
[to Murray:] What’s this? Thou hadst but little wit in thy
Bald crown when thou gav’st all thy hair away.
By heaven, wherefore do this to thy pate?
MURRAY
Thereby I keep it real. Real is it kept.
DIONNE
[to Cher:] Behold what he hath done unto his pate!
Canst thou believe his errant, ugly choice?
MURRAY
Look thou upon the head of Lawrence, here.
LAWRENCE
To shave one’s pate doth feel as smooth as glass,
Like one might fly, for closer is the air.
MURRAY
Thou lookest fine.
LAWRENCE
—As thou shalt, too, my mate.
DIONNE
Why carest thou what Lawrence thinks of thee?
’Tis I who must upon thy visage look.
Thou follow’st like a sheep, and hath been shorn!
’Twas horribly mistaken, Murray, for
What shall I do with thee, when thou look’st thus?
Ere portraits for our mem’ry books are drawn,
Thou hast transform’d thyself to a bald eagle?
What shall I tell our future grandchildren?
This is enow!
MURRAY
[mocking:] —Ha, ha, “this is enow!”
DIONNE
Wouldst thou play games, then?
MURRAY
[mocking:] —“Wouldst thou, then,
play games?”
DIONNE
It seemeth I must call upon thy mother.
MURRAY
My mother? Nay! Thou shalt do no such thing.
LAWRENCE
Be still! Thou bald didst come forth from the womb—
How can thy mother, then, reject thy look?
[Cher and Tai leave them.
CHER
Alas, this is a tale as old as time—
Last year, at our spring dance, ’twas also thus:
She spent the afterparty in the bathroom.
TAI
Their argument did near destroy my buzz.
CHER
My buzz is buzz’d, gray matter truly bak’d.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony. All dance during the singing.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] ’Tis Saturday, and I do roll,
My homies near, my spirit full,
Some sixteen instruments do play,
Unto the shore we make our way!
Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
Roll with the homies, sip the yak!
My carriage is a hearty ride,
The people gawk when I’m outside,
No gang of rogues our joy reduce—
My homies bear the dinner juice.
Roll with the homies, &c.
CHER
[to Tai:] Shall we bump into people presently,
And rub our elbows with our pleasant peers?
TAI
Indeed! My elbows could some bumping take.
TRAVIS
Yet Tai, wait thou for me, I prithee—
[Cher walks aside. Travis jumps down from a table toward Tai but falls.
TAI
Art thou well, Travis? ’Twas a mighty fall.
TRAVIS
[to other students:] Why caught ye not my falling body?
Your hospitality is wanting.
TAI
Thy leap—it was amazing, by my troth.
I wish I could so leap, with courage rare.
TRAVIS
Nay, imitate me not, I prithee.
TAI
Yet wherefore should I not?
TRAVIS
—If thou didst—
If women ev’rywhere went leaping,
What would we lads do to impress them?
TAI
I know not. Stuff and things.
TRAVIS
—What stuffthings?
[Cher notices Tai and Travis talking.
CHER
[aside:] One tiny moment have I turn’d my head,
And she hath taken up again with Travis!
[Approaching:] Tai, thou art needed on the instant.
Come!
[She pulls Tai away from Travis. Travis walks aside.
Behold, thy suitor Elton yonder sits,
His rhythmic body bobbing to the song,
Surrounded by his friends and confidantes.
[Cher and Tai dance together.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] The spices wrapp’d in paper fine,
Set it alight, and make it thine,
Pass to thy neighbor, share delight—
The night, forsooth, turns dynamite!
Roll with the homies, &c.
ELTON
[aside:] Behold the dazzling Cher as she doth dance,
Was ever beauty captur’d in a form?
She’s like a statue, carv’d from purest stone,
Whose shapely curves do mark a master’s touch.
CHER
[aside:] There’s Elton, gazing our direction. Ha!
He is enamor’d of the lovely Tai.
/> My plan hath work’d; the two shall be a match.
[A student accidentally kicks off their shoe, hitting Tai in the head.
O, Tai, art well? Pray, Elton, bring thine aid.
ELTON
To give thee service is my privilege.
[Elton picks up Tai and lays her on a table.
TRAVIS
[approaching:] Thou shouldst put ice upon her bruis’d pate.
CHER
The situation’s under our control.
Why dost thou bother us? Thou art not needed.
TRAVIS
Tai, art thou well? I bid thee, wake up.
CHER
She’d want thee to rejoin the revelers,
Thou hast no place beside her—get thee hence.
TRAVIS
[aside:] Harumph. Mine aid she’d gladly welcome.
[Travis walks aside, disconsolate.
CHER
[to Elton:] If she doth lie unconscious, thou must help
Her consciousness regain by asking questions,
Which she may answer, keeping her awake.
ELTON
[aside:] How did I come to be in this position?
’Tis not this lass whom I would have before
Me, prone upon the table needing me.
[To Tai:] What is the product of two sevens, eh?
CHER
Nay, ask thou just what she already knows.
[Tai sits up and hits her head on a lamp hanging above the table.
ELTON
The situation goes from bad to worse.
Thou hast a nasty bump upon thy head.
TAI
In sooth.
ELTON
—Shall we return to party’s glow?
TAI
Yea, let us go.
ELTON
—Art sure? Canst thou do this?
[He motions with his hand, mimicking a rolling ocean wave.
[Singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
[Tai makes the same motion.
TAI
[singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
ELTON
Ha, thou art ready now! We’ll thither go.
[Tai and Elton return to the party together.
CHER
[aside:] I must give credit where ’tis justly due,
And in this instance credit falls to me.
Such acts of mercy I bring to the world,
Such deeds of goodness and philanthropy,
That love doth flourish, is ubiquitous.
Though I may be alone, my happiness
For Tai is like a lover’s warm embrace.
’Tis like the book I read whilst in ninth grade,
Which was the best of times, the worst of times.
The volume’s author, in his wisdom, writ:
“It is a far, far better thing to do
Some stuff for other people.” Something like.
Enter a MESSENGER, who speaks with CHER briefly and then exits.
A message cometh from my father, who