William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless
Page 7
Sans doubt doth wonder where the time hath gone,
Since I am past my curfew by some hours.
He doth not realize that this outfit grants
No opportunity to wear a timepiece with’t—
To dress in clocks would clock me out of fashion.
Of course, he doth not know where I have gone,
For I told him a tale of some deceit:
That I was venturing out with my mates
To wander hence and have a snack withal.
Belike his fears by now are taking root
As he doth wonder whether I have gone
To some far country for a simple meal.
Perchance, if I do not return anon,
He shall grow sick with worry. Daughter rude!
Home, then, to halt his fatherly concern—
In twenty minutes if I leave at once,
For Father saith e’er that ev’ry point
Within Los Angeles may be attain’d
In only twenty minutes’ carriage ride.
I shall ask Elton; he shall take me home.
[She approaches Elton and Tai.
[To Elton:] Wouldst thou, I prithee, take me home again?
ELTON
’Twould be a pleasure to give thee a ride.
CHER
Apologies to take thee early hence,
For thou, I’ll wager, sooner wouldst remain.
The ones who brought me, Dionne and her Murray,
Are caught deep in the drama of the night,
And argue all the while o’er this and that.
She loves the part of hapless paramour.
[Cher, Tai, and Elton begin to leave and encounter Summer.
Holla, kind Summer. Was this party not
A lovely—e’en if somewhat random—gath’ring?
SUMMER
Need’st thou a ride, Cher? I am leaving, too.
ELTON
Nay, I shall take her. ’Tis no bother, Summer.
SUMMER
My route shall take me near to Wilshire where
It intersects with Linden. Art thou near?
TAI
’Tis close to where I live, above Olympic.
ELTON
Thou, Tai, then go with Summer presently,
Whilst I deliver Cher unto her home.
CHER
[aside:] Nay, what is Elton doing? What a dolt—
He sabotages his own chance to woo.
[To Summer:] Take Wilshire unto Cannon, which doth turn
To Benedict.
ELTON
—Nay, then she would go south,
Whilst my course turns already to the north.
CHER
Thou couldst take Tai as thou to Sunset goest.
ELTON
Beyond all sense art thou, for then I would
Be forc’d to leave the freeway, which I hate—
Once on such wide and speedy boulevards,
Who’d give them up to drive a country lane?
Tai, go with Summer—Cher, come thou with me.
[Tai climbs into Summer’s carriage, and they exeunt. Exeunt all students and Balthasar as Cher and Elton get into his carriage.
CHER
[aside:] If this is love, I comprehend it not—
Why take such pains to go with me when Tai
Is palpably the source of his affection?
I’ll question him of her, to help him see
The error of his actions. [To Elton:] Did not Tai
Look most adorable this eventide?
ELTON
[singing:] Turn thou away, turn thou away, Heigh, heigh!
CHER
Her hair is lovely when ’tis wild and free,
As if it were the mane of lioness—
Yet also pretty when ’tis up and bound,
With curly tendrils peeking round the sides,
As in the drawing which adorns thy locker.
ELTON
Know’st that thou, Cher, art one of my best friends?
’Tis strange, since normally I do not have
Companions of thy sex.
CHER
—Then am I glad,
Because thy happiness means much to me.
ELTON
Does it?
CHER
—Indeed. I saw how hard it was
When thou and thy Folette were rent asunder;
Methought, perchance, thy heart would never heal.
ELTON
I’ll wager we both know the feeling that
Ariseth when long loneliness prevails.
CHER
Whate’er thy meaning, prithee know thou this:
’Twould make me glad to see thee settl’d soon.
ELTON
[aside:] Her meaning is as bold as sunlight’s glow—
And clear as bluest sky sans clouds of gray.
I’ll pull us over and fulfill my quest
To woo her, kiss her, touch her, what you will.
[He steers his carriage to the side of the road.
CHER
Why have we stopp’d? Hath something gone awry?
ELTON
I knew ’twas true, and have for many weeks.
[He tries to kiss her and she pushes him aside.
CHER
Thou knewest what, thou too-familiar knave?
ELTON
I know that thou art well-nigh dead for me.
CHER
[aside:] This folly must be drunkenness, in troth,
And therefore may I hope that it belongs
But to the passing hour. [To Elton:] I’m much astonish’d—
These words to me! Thou take me for a friend,
So any message unto Tai I shall
Be happy to deliver for thy sake,
But no more of this unto me, I pray.
ELTON
To Tai? I have no word or thought for her.
CHER
Her picture doth adorn thy locker’s wall.
ELTON
Thy picture doth adorn my locker’s wall,
Which thou didst paint, by thine own skillful hand.
CHER
Alas, this foul experience reminds
Me of what they encounter’d at Twin Peaks.
ELTON
I knew thy heart was won when I kiss’d thee,
Thou suck’d my soul t’ward thee, didst blow my mind.
[He tries to kiss her a second time and she pushes him aside again.
CHER
Nay, suck and blow is only made for sport—
It doth not signify the heart’s desire.
ELTON
Yea, we shall have some sport anon, indeed.
[He tries to kiss her a third time and she pushes him aside once more.
CHER
Stop, stop! Before I brand thee villain, stop!
ELTON
If thou wouldst have it so, I shall surcease,
Yet verily I do not understand:
Thou flirtest with me ev’ry day of th’year—
CHER
As if! As if I ever cross’d that line,
As if I ever thought of thee that way,
As if my conduct e’er was less than pure,
As if my friendliness hath turn’d to flirt!
I have, these past few weeks, tried earnestly
To tie thee unto Tai.
ELTON
—Tai? Even so?
Say wherefore I should e’en consider Tai.
CHER
Nay, wherefore not?
ELTON
—Canst thou be serious?
Know’st thou my father and his prominence?
CHER
This is thine answer? Ar
t so fill’d with pride?
Thou art too cramm’d with snobbery by half.
ELTON
I shall speak simply, that thou mayst hear truth:
Tai and myself—the phrase, e’en, makes me gag—
Are not a pair that maketh any sense.
I am a raging fire, and she still water,
I am the very heights, and she the depths,
I am ocean, she a trifling drip,
I am a shooting star, and she but dirt.
However, when I think of thee and me,
It is a pair as like as peas and carrots.
CHER
[aside:] O, misery, this was not what I plann’d.
[He tries to kiss her a fourth time and she pushes him aside again.
I bid thee, cease!
ELTON
—Relax, I pray.
CHER
—Nay, stop!
[She dismounts from the carriage.
ELTON
Cher, prithee, do return. We’ll be friends first.
Where art thou bound? Thou hurtest but thyself—
Wouldst thou walk home and catch a cold, or worse?
Climb back into the carriage instantly!
CHER
Be gone! I do not wish thy company.
ELTON
If ’tis thy wish, then Elton flies anon.
[Exit Elton in his carriage.
CHER
Nay, nay, where art thou going? Fie upon’t!
I want him not, yet would not be alone.
My trouble grows like flowers in new soil,
For I, as yet, am many miles from home.
If this is what doth come of matchmaking,
I swear I’ll never play the sport again.
This night hath shown me, if I doubted, that
A girl can get burn’d when she plays with matches.
Would that I had another ride. I could
Attempt to hail a coach to take me home,
Which, mayhap, would prove best and fastest, too.
Enter a BANDIT.
BANDIT
Be still, and give me all thy valuables—
Thou art a wealthy woman, I thy thief.
Thy satchel and the ducats in thy purse,
All shall be mine, or I shall work thee woe.
Lie now upon the ground with thy face down.
Make haste, for patience is unknown to me.
CHER
Thou dost not understand, sir. My new gown
Was made by Azzedine Alaïa, who
Is known throughout the world for artistry,
Sophisticated style, and fashion high.
BANDIT
The name’s unknown and immaterial,
No matter the material A-what-a
Doth use or how much thy kind worship him.
CHER
Yet his designs are totally important!
[The bandit brandishes a pistol.
BANDIT
I’ll totally shoot thee where thou dost stand.
Thy pretty head doth not come near my conscience,
For ’tis thy wealth for which I’ve hither come.
Down now, upon thy belly in a trice!
[Cher lies facedown, whimpering.
’Tis well thou art a lass accommodating.
Count thou unto one hundred as I go,
And thanks to thee for simple thievery.
[Exit Bandit.
CHER
One, two, three, four—the rogue is gone at last.
This evening turneth to a royal mess,
Harass’d and robb’d, my schemes undone at once.
Would that I could bid Dionne come for me,
Yet she is still with Murray at the fest.
My father—I could send a message thither—
Yet he will be enrag’d if he doth know.
One person doth remain, whom I may call,
Yet his disdain shall shame me horribly.
Enter JOSH with HEATHER, in a carriage.
JOSH
Holla, Cher? ’Tis an odd coincidence.
CHER
Josh, art thou busy?
HEATHER
—Who’s this lady, Josh?
JOSH
’Tis Cher, the daughter of my stepfather.
[To Cher:] Why art thou here, Cher?
CHER
—I was at a party,
And left with one who should convey me home
Yet rather did attempt to strike at me.
His carriage I departed instantly,
And he deserted me most cruelly.
Another man, a bandit, then appear’d
To take of me whatever he did please
Whilst brandishing his pistol in my face.
My ducats, satchel, ev’rything he took,
Then yell’d at me as if I were a slave,
Bade me to lie upon the filthy ground,
And forc’d me to destroy my precious gown.
JOSH
For this—thine imposition on my night,
Which I had plann’d to spend alone with Heather—
Thou shalt owe me the world. Dost understand?
CHER
Indeed. My humble thanks for mercy giv’n.
[Cher climbs into the carriage with Josh and Heather.
HEATHER
As I was saying, ere this interruption,
The man is utterly ridiculous.
He hath no single thought unique inside
His puny, insignificant, weak brain.
JOSH
Methinks there merit is in learning form
At once.
HEATHER
—Josh, prithee tell: art thou in jest?
He taketh our young minds at their most fecund
And doth restrain them ere they wander through
The luscious, fruitful garden of ideas.
’Tis just as, famously, once Hamlet said:
“To thine own self be true.”
CHER
—Nay, ’twas not Hamlet.
HEATHER
My memory of Hamlet is complete—
Erratic, sometimes, are my recollections,
Though not in this case. I know Hamlet well,
And saw it at the Globe the other day.
CHER
My mem’ry of Mel Gibson is complete—
The actor who did take the noble part—
And ’twas not he who spake the words thou us’d.
Those words were spoken by Polonius.
[Josh laughs, and Heather glares at him.
JOSH
[aside:] By all that’s marvelous, young Cher is right,
Yet Heather is too full of arrogance
T’admit defeat. Cher ever doth surprise—
Just when I think her shallow, base, and dumb,
She shows a depth that I could not predict.
[They arrive at Heather’s residence.
[To Cher:] I shall walk Heather to the door. Wait here,
And keep thou clear of trouble’s spacious path.
[Josh and Heather walk to her door and embrace while Cher looks on.
CHER
Behold the lovers playing their sweet scene,
Josh kissing Heather with a passion rare
Whilst she responds with amorous intent.
I should be happy for them, should I not?
Yet as I watch them, I feel only bleak,
As if disaster knock’d upon my door
Presenting horrors unknown hitherto—
E’en worse than what they face in Malibu.
[Exit Heather. Josh returns to the carriage and they drive on in silence. Exeunt.
Bronson Alcott High Scho
ol and Westside Pavilion mall.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] The angels fall like rain,
And love is heaven’s way,
Inside thee is time’s gain,
Which never fades away.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
The race, it hath begun,
And I am on thy side.
Would that it had been won,
But thou hast stopp’d the ride.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
O, let us run away,
My mood doth yearn for thee,
The stars shall come to play,
Whilst I do burn for thee.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER.
CHER
I knew not what to say to Tai today—
My nerves were fraught with fear and desolation.
Yea, even Fabian, my strong masseuse
Reported to me—as she rubb’d me down—
She felt the tension growing in my back.
When finally I broke the news to Tai,
She was as desolate as I expected,
Self-loathing mix’d up with despondency.
Enter TAI and DIONNE.
TAI
He doth despise my hips, is this not so?
DIONNE
Nay, ’tis not so, for thou art beautiful,
Thy hips, thy lips, thy parts all pure perfection.
CHER
The lad is utter foolishness itself.
Thou shalt do better yet, mark thou my words.
DIONNE
He hath a head as large as any town,
So full of his own import is the boy.
If it is pride thou wantest in a man,
Thou canst no better do than Elton, yea,
Yet if thou wouldst seek someone who shall love,
Adore, and treasure thee, he’s not for thee.
Thou art well rid of him.
CHER
—Indeed, he thinks
He is a gift from God to mortal women.
DIONNE
Too good by twice—
CHER
—Nay, thrice!
DIONNE
—Art thou for him.
TAI
Thy logic, friends, but wishful thinking seems.
If I’m too good for him, by twice or thrice,
It follows I could have him twice or thrice—
Some two or three sweet Eltons in my life—
Yet I have zero, infinitely fewer,
Not e’en one Elton I can call mine own.
If your words had a jot of truth to them,
Would I, at least, not be with one of him?
DIONNE
[aside:] Alas, her logic’s irrefutable.
CHER