From the Top

by Dani Collins

  “It’s true that this is not my ideal. I only came here to be near the boys.” She looked to the window where the snow was starting to melt during the day, but freezing up again at night. The trees were still bare and all that wilderness seemed like sheer nothingness.

  “The isolation bothers me,” she admitted. “I fought hard to get out of one-horse towns. I grew up with a lot of wants and maybe I misplaced the blame for why we were broke all the time. There aren’t a lot of options in a small town, but my father was an alcoholic. I felt very alone, growing up. I coped by imagining myself moving to a city where I could live in a penthouse and buy what I wanted, when I wanted it. I can’t do that here, but I’m realizing that waiting isn’t the same as wanting.”

  She glanced at him, wondering what he would think of her less than glamorous roots. She didn’t think about her childhood much. It was too far in the past and she had more current baggage to carry than that dusty old knapsack.

  “My family were academics,” he said.

  With that suit and haircut, he looked like East Coast Ivy League stock, the kind that used to intimidate her because they were so book-smart. She was street-smart, which had its uses. But then she had hung off of Oskar’s arm, trying to pretend she understood things like the ramifications in changes to the EU trade agreements and hated her lack of formal education.

  “We never went hungry,” Marvin continued. “I always had shoes that fit, but love and affection were not considered a need. I think that’s why I didn’t notice my marriage going stale. It fit with what I’d been led to expect. Which made Kathleen’s stories of savage emotions and, frankly, kinky sex, that much more incomprehensible. My family didn’t understand what she was doing and neither did my colleagues at the college. I didn’t. We certainly weren’t living the things she was writing.”

  He was blushing and she wanted to hug him again, for sharing such intimate details with her.

  “Do you know what kids are reading online these days?” she chided gently. “What they think they have to do to enjoy a rich sex life?”

  “I heard it all at the college.” His groomed brows were expressive as ever. “It’s a far cry from the petting in the back seat we did, isn’t it?” he said with a bemused shake of his head.

  She had gone all the way, but she’d been an insecure adolescent.

  “I enjoy your company, Vivien.” He was so genuinely handsome and earnest as he looked at her, her heart pitter-patted. “I would be more than honored if you thought we could pursue a romantic relationship, but this is a complicated situation with Rolf and Glory. This lodge… I wouldn’t blame you if it strikes you as a silly old man’s dream. It is. But I can’t take undue risks with it. It means a lot to me.”

  “Quit calling yourself ‘old,’” she ordered, but with affection.

  After her early years of insecurity, Oskar’s take-charge, controlling personality had been enormously appealing, but Marvin’s caution was endearing it its own way.

  “I know this is important to you. I want to see you succeed with it. I want to help you succeed. More than I realized,” she admitted with a breath of realization. “I’ve spent the last ten years thinking I was… I don’t know. I thought I should be content. My husband was gone, but I had the means and the freedom to travel, which was always a goal of mine. I haven’t wanted for anything. Even so, everything felt quite…pointless.”

  He nodded understanding.

  “I wasn’t aware of a need for direction in my life, but now that I have some…” She shrugged. “I know Rolf pushed me on you, but I’m stunned to discover how much I’m enjoying having a hand in pulling things together. Of course, I have the luxury of deciding how hard I work, but I like seeing the progress. Be honest, though. Do you find me too intrusive?”

  He started to say something, thought better of it, and closed his mouth.

  Her heart fell. “You do.”

  “It’s not that. I thought Glory would take more of an interest. Her choosing to write has been a bit of a heartbreaker for me, but I respect her need to do her own thing. I wouldn’t want her to wait until she’s staring down sixty like I did, before she goes after what she wants. But once I realized this lodge was solely up to me, well, I had to admit that, to some extent, she’s right. I’ve taken on more than I can handle on my own. I need help. But letting you help is a little too easy. You’re very accomplished. I feel foolish next to you. Ignorant. Giving up the reins feels like abdication.”

  “Please don’t feel like that, Marvin. Becoming indispensable is what I do. Call me a secretary or a personal assistant or a mom-ager—because those boys don’t appreciate it, but I wrangled their agents and managers for them for years, long after they were out of the house. I do it for me, to make my place where I want it to be. I take over to take root. I’m like a vine.”

  “Are you doing that here? Are you pushing down roots? Because I don’t want you to decide you hate it here and leave after you’ve made me nee-d—” his voice cracked “—you.”

  She had to resist the urge to rub her breastbone where it felt as though it was fracturing.

  “No one has needed me in years, Marvin.” Were those tears coming into her eyes? Was that what that burn was? Her voice was definitely abraded down to a husk. “It would feel good, if you did.”

  He seemed to catch his breath, barrel chest rising beneath his razor-sharp new jacket.

  “Well, that’s something to think about, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.” She blinked, looking out the window to hide that her lashes were damp. If he only knew how many men she had managed in her lifetime. She had been an ingénue, a sophisticate, a mistress, a cougar, and somehow this unassuming man disabled all her best manipulation tactics, leaving her with nothing but an unguarded heart.

  *

  Nate had learned the hard way that it was worth the time to double-check the math on a drawing even when a professional architect or engineer had already signed off on it. It was also an exercise that often resulted in him standing back and saying, “Or…”

  Which happened today as he suddenly wondered whether putting the helicopter pad on top of the ski patrol building would work. Initially, they’d thought choppers would only come in for emergencies or charter trips. They had planned to keep a space cleared behind the building for ambulances and emergency airlifts, but if Rolf got his way, they would have their own helicopter anchored in that spot, in which case, where would the emergency ambulances pull in?

  The chopper would be more secure and immediately accessible up there. The gables would have to come off and the roof be reconfigured along with the engineering for the second floor, but all of that was a helluva lot cheaper and easier to do now while it was still pencil and paper.

  They would have to keep the roof shoveled, likely pushing the snow off the south side, where they had intended to put the sled shed. That roof would have to be shored up and angled the other way. Some thought would also have to be given for drainage as the snow melted—

  Murphy stood abruptly from his nap and shook his collar, breaking Nate’s concentration. The dog padded to the door, but just as Nate started to rise and let him out, he heard footsteps on the stairs.

  Rolf had left yesterday morning and Trigg wasn’t due back for another week. Nate glanced at the clock, but it was only four o’clock. Too early for security to come down for the night.

  Blonde hair flashed in the translucent window along with a powder-blue jacket.

  His heart stood up and shook itself awake while a grin started to stretch across his face.

  Ilke had snow caked around the cuffs of her jeans where they hung over sturdy, black, cross-country ski boots. Her nose and cheeks were red, her eyes sparkling.

  “You steal some skis and take ’em for a joy ride?”

  “Lina’s.” She sounded a little breathless. “Her boots are too big and I forgot how much I hate cross-country, but a lousy run on the snow is better than just about anything else, especially after thirty
-five days away from it. So yes. Joy.” Her smile was bigger than he’d ever seen it.

  Murphy was pretty happy himself, now he had a fresh pair of hands massaging his ears. His tail thumped the floor and he lifted a paw against the leg of her jeans.

  Nate sat back, admiring the way she was glowing. “Why do you hate cross-country?”

  “Only your toes are anchored!” She said it like it was a crime. “Your skis are supposed to feel like they’re part of you. Boots so tight the Chinese foot-binders cringe.”

  “The wind chill didn’t knock your teeth into the back of your throat?”

  “That’s the best part.”

  “Is it?” He snorted.

  “But your sandwich probably froze.” She dug the lump out of her pocket and set the half-sub on his desk. “You didn’t come up for lunch. Thought you must be starving by now.”

  “Yeah, it’s busy with Rolf not here.” He had texted her to say he wouldn’t make lunch, asking to meet for dinner instead. “I had instant noodles. I’ll keep this for tomorrow, though.”

  He put the sandwich in the small bar fridge under the coffeemaker that Rolf had bought for exactly this purpose. It mostly held soda and condiments, but Nate threw a couple of yogurt cups and some fruit in every Monday. They were always gone by Friday, which it was today, but he was going to work a few hours tomorrow morning before getting Aiden.

  “I don’t expect I’ll have time for a proper lunch until he gets back.” Work was piling up exponentially. If Nate thought too much about all he had to accomplish in the coming months, he would have an aneurysm.

  “I didn’t take a proper lunch either, just grabbed a sandwich and finished Glory’s mail-out so Devon can get in there while they’re gone. I told Vivien I’d cover breaks on the desk tomorrow, then she gave me this huge list of wedding stuff to do, like figuring out gift baskets for all the rooms and getting menu cards printed. The wedding is a week-long thing. Did you know that?”

  “The first two nights a bunch of us are in Vegas for the stag party, so the lodge is actually only booked out solid for the weekend, isn’t it?”

  “Four nights at capacity, but eighty percent the rest of the time. And most destination weddings are at all-inclusive resorts in the tropics. The guests can scuba dive or whatever between rehearsal dinners and the ceremony. Trigg has a company setting up zip lines and they have the ATVs and hiking and sunrise yoga and kayaking on the big lake in Haven, but Vivien wants me to organize a calendar so people can book in for those things when they RSVP. Then make sure we have everything, like yoga mats and life jackets or whatever. It’s a huge job.”

  “You don’t want to do it? Or you don’t know how?”

  “I can get a start on it.” She folded her arms and hunched her shoulders.

  “But you don’t know how long you’ll be here,” he guessed, heart lurching.

  “Yeah,” she breathed and moved to the window, folding her arms on the sill and looking up at the slope that was turning gray-blue in the fading light, as the sun tracked behind the mountain peaks.

  Nate stared at her back, narrow despite the thickness of her jacket. She didn’t have one of those boisterous, outgoing personalities that some did, but her height and traffic-stopping looks gave her a larger-than-life quality. It made her seem to float somewhere above everyone else, making her bigger in his mind. He was surprised whenever he noticed how slight she really was.

  “Have you heard from someone? Are things starting to fall into place?”

  “No. Just a lot of, ‘I’ll let you know if something comes up.’” She dropped her forehead against the glass. “Which makes me think it’s stupid to turn down steady work.” She sighed a cloud onto the glass, then pulled back to draw a face into it before it faded.

  Such a whimsical little nut under that façade of ice cream frosting.

  “It’s not stupid to hope you’ll get a better offer. What can I do to help?”

  “You’re so nice, Nate.” She bumped her forehead lightly against the glass.

  “I’m really not. Inside this head, I’m a judgmental asshole convinced I’m better than everyone around me.”

  She turned to scowl at him. “Including me?”

  He grinned. “Nah, you’ve earned my respect.”

  She snorted. “How?”

  “What do you mean, how? You were going to have my baby even though it sidelined your career.”

  All the joy she’d come in with was gone, drained away to introspection.

  He rose and went over to rub his hands up and down her arms. “I feel guilty as hell, you know. I want to ask Rolf to help you as a personal favor to me. I’m connected. Let me do this.”

  “Don’t.” Her brow wrinkled up. “Please don’t.”

  He blew out a frustrated breath. “Why not?”

  “Because—” She made her own noise of frustration and brushed past him to pace away, coming up in front of the poster that showed an aerial view of the resort.

  He could see her fingertips digging hard into the elbows of her jacket. The quilting looked like it would pop. Her nail beds were white. It was so concerning, he lifted a hand to touch her, then instinctively thought, Maybe not.

  Something primal in the energy around her lifted all the hairs on his body.

  “Babe?” He didn’t know where the endearment came from. He and Wanda used to laugh at couples who used it, but this was what it was for. Asking someone you cared about to open up the deep, dark caverns in their soul. He didn’t know how he knew that’s where they were going, but he did.

  “You know that thing I didn’t want to talk about the other night?” Her head dropped so she spoke to her boots.

  “About why you left home so young?”

  She nodded.

  For some reason, his whole body tensed in anticipation of pain. “You want to tell me now?”

  “Not really,” she said. “But—Look, it wasn’t rape or assault or anything like that. Don’t freak out.”

  Too late. His inner caveman snatched up a club.

  “What happened?” The metallic taste of bloodlust arrived on his tongue.

  She flinched a little and said, “I don’t know. Just a lot of over-friendly touching. Talk to any woman and they’ll say they’ve experienced something like it. It was just really… It makes me really mad to think back on it, because I felt so… I don’t know. Let down. I didn’t have a sister or cousins to explain things to me. That was my mom’s job and she was just angry.”

  “About what?”

  “These.” She turned and waved impatiently at her breasts. “One minute I was skinny and flat, then over a summer I grew boobs and hips. I still felt like a kid, but suddenly I was being treated like I was twenty-two. I didn’t understand any of it. Mom acted like I was supposed to be excited. Flattered. At first, she was all smiles that I got so many compliments, until she realized she wasn’t getting them anymore. If the attention had only been from boys, that would have been okay, I guess, but it was men.”

  “What men?” He already knew. Her stepfather is a card-carrying dink. Nate’s hands made such tight fists, his bones ought to be splitting the skin over his knuckles.

  “Middle-aged. Any age.” She sent a cautious glance toward him, dark-eyed, clearly uncertain of his reaction. Terrified she would find judgment as she searched his expression.

  “Your stepfather?”

  She nodded and shrugged, trying really hard to keep a stiff, unaffected look on her face, but he knew where she hid her aches in the hollows of her cheeks and the tension around her lips.

  “You were thirteen? Fourteen?” It might not have been rape, but: “That’s still assault, Ilke.”

  “I told my mom I wanted a different coach, but she didn’t have any money. That’s why she was dating him, so he would coach me. She was trying to get him to marry her and kept saying, ‘Do you want to ski or not?’ I did.” Her voice fractured on the last word.

  The emotions coursing through him were equal parts fury and
nausea. He squeezed the back of his neck, trying to get a grip on himself. Settle his hackles so he didn’t scare her with the violent rage trying to take hold in him. The pit of his gut was pure fire and his heart was pounding. He recognized all of that at a distance, while trying to keep his head on straight and navigate this minefield of bone-dissolving fury.

  “He shouldn’t have touched you. Not like that. Not at all. As for your mother…”

  *

  That was the part that still agonized her. Ilke looked away, toward the closed door to Rolf’s office, still worried, deep down, that she must have been to blame if her own mother had thought so.

  “You still speak to her?” He sounded as non-nice as he had claimed to be a few minutes ago. Tough and bitter and dangerous enough to make her shiver, even though she knew it wasn’t directed at her. “Still see her?”

  “She’s my mom.” She shrugged. “I usually make sure he’s not there when I go.”

  “That’s why you left home when you were fifteen?”

  She nodded. “The year before, I saw Vivien at a race. She could tell something was going on and tried to ask me about it, said I could come live with her. I was really embarrassed. Mom made me feel like it was my fault and he made it seem like if he didn’t coach me, I wouldn’t make it. I was afraid to rock the boat and lose the one good thing I had. But once Vivien put the idea in my head that I could leave home, support myself, hire my own coach, I made it happen. Soon as I turned fifteen, I found a chalet job in Switzerland. I had to forge Mom’s signature, but at least I was out.”

  She sent him another wary look, so worried he was going to think less of her.

  “Vivien didn’t report him?”

  “She did.” Her voice thinned with guilt and frustration. “First she confronted him and he said it was a physical sport and that’s why he had to grab my ass and crotch. She got him suspended from coaching for a few months and I was hauled into all these interviews that were horrible. I thought Mom was going to kill me, so I said what she told me to say. I just wanted it all to go away so I could ski. I know that’s awful.”