From the Top

by Dani Collins

  “You were a kid. Scared. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not,” she said with chagrin. “But it put a scare in him, I guess. He wasn’t as bad after that and he hasn’t coached underage athletes since. I’m sure Mom holds it over him and that’s how she got him to marry her.”

  “Have you ever gone to the police?”

  “Where? Switzerland? Neither of us lives there anymore. And I’m not very excited by the idea of having to pay for a lawyer so my character can be called into question for not being honest about it when it happened. The best I can do is make sure it’s common knowledge that he expects female athletes to do more than ski under him. Somehow he still gets hired.”

  “Fucker,” he muttered.

  She nodded. “He is. And I know I shouldn’t let him still mess with my head, but there’s this stubborn, twisted thing inside me that needs to prove to him that I can do it without him. That I can do it without anyone.”

  “That’s why you won’t accept Trigg’s money or let me ask Rolf for a favor?”

  “I don’t want to owe anyone anything, especially a man. Or give them something to hold over me.”

  “I really don’t think it would be like that with either of them.”

  “You might be right.” She shrugged. “But I don’t want to take the chance. Whatever I get, however far I go, it has to be something I earn on my own merit. I know that’s pigheaded, but it’s how I feel.” She let the corner of her mouth curl with fatalism.

  “You scare the hell out of me, you know that? You’re so fucking determined inside that pretty, delicate-looking shell.”

  “I’m not.” She hugged herself. “I’m scared and messed up and full of self-doubt. I thought you’d say I asked for it. I’ve never told anyone about him.”

  “No, you did not ask for that. Your mother did the complete opposite of what a parent is supposed to do. I’m sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me.” He started to take her by the arms again, but hesitated, chin dipping so he could see into her eyes. “How are you feeling about being touched right now?”

  She swooped into his open arms so fast, he rocked under the impact. Then he locked his arms around her, and she shuddered in a wave of relief.

  He tightened his arms and pressed his mouth to her hair, inhaling deeply. His arms tightened another notch, as if he wanted to squeeze her inside his skin.

  She could hardly breathe, but she didn’t care. She’d never felt so safe in her life.

  *

  They stayed an hour down at the base, until the night guard showed up.

  Nate had finished up a few things and enlisted her to make up some file folders for him and start tidying the third room in the office trailer while she waited. That end of the trailer had turned into a catch-all storage for hand tools and other miscellaneous items, but the human resources manager would be needing it as an office space next week.

  “Rolf has promised me a project coordinator, but I think we’re going to hire an admin assistant and a bookkeeper first. I don’t know where we’re going to put everyone. Last year we operated out of an open-sided tent all summer, but we were mostly cleaning up the site and making plans for this year. Now it’s time to staff up and man, do we need a lot of bodies.”

  Ilke thought it was exciting to see the new resort coming together. She stood for a long time at the poster on the wall, studying the terrain where she had skied in January, fighting an urge to ask him, “Why isn’t it ready yet?” It was going to be fantastic.

  Nate had his truck at the base. She offered to ski back to run the dog, but it was growing dark and the security guard said, “Can I keep him? I could use the company.”

  Nate shrugged. “We can give it a try. Text me if he doesn’t come back when you let him out to pee. He might head up to the lodge on his own.” Nate showed him where the dog food was kept for the times when they fed Murphy here, instead of at the lodge.

  Nate loaded her borrowed skies and they drove back to the lodge, worked out in the fitness room, showered, and went to dinner. They didn’t talk about much of anything, but it was nice. Companionable.

  Now, as she pushed aside her empty plate, she knew she wasn’t ready to say good night. It wasn’t like her to want to be with anyone, let alone a specific someone, for such an extended period of time, but that was exactly what she wanted—to be with him.

  “I’m going to watch mindless sitcoms on my laptop. Want to join me?”

  “I have to review some bids and read a technical manual. Also send an email to Rolf about the location of the helicopter pad. Need to do some math first so I know I’m not blowing smoke.”

  “Fun.”

  “I actually enjoy it.” He didn’t look too embarassed by his kink.

  He must have seen how crestfallen she was at his rebuff, though. He gave the back of her hand a little stroke with his fingertips.

  “If you listen on earbuds, you’re welcome to hang out in my room.”

  “I won’t distract you?”

  He gave her a half-lidded look. “Always. But I’ll manage.”

  That had her beaming on the inside, holding it to a smug little grin on the outside.

  She changed into leggings and a baggy sweatshirt and collected her laptop. When she got to his room, he was on a face call with his son, but he let her in.

  “It’s Miss Ilke. See? Do you mind?” He glanced at her as he moved to stand beside her so they were both in the frame.

  “Hi, Aiden.” She smiled.

  Aiden was in his Spider-Man pajamas, sitting on his bed. Ilke had the impression this call was a nightly ritual since there didn’t seem to be another adult in sight and the kid was pretty steady with the camera.

  “Hi, Miss Ilke. Are you having a sleepover?”

  “What? No!” She probably reacted with such panic from a guilty conscience, since it was in the back of her mind that it might turn into one, but now she was blushing to the bottoms of her feet. “No, I’m just going to watch a movie with your dad.”

  “What kind of movie?” That was a woman’s voice. She plopped down so hard behind her son, the screen joggled. “Hi.” Her round face held a big, cheeky grin as she squeezed her image into the screen beside Aiden’s innocent expression. “I’m Wanda. You must be Ilke.”

  “Take it down a notch, would you?” Nate said with a pained frown. “Not that kind of movie.”

  “What kind?” Aiden asked. “Cartoon?”

  “Grown up,” Nate said, voice flat.

  “And no dog. Hmm.” Wanda kept that mirthful grin on her face. “Convenient.”

  “Would you—” Nate’s voice was edged in frustration. His hard stare at Wanda was visible in their postage-stamp-sized corner image.

  Ilke stepped out of it.

  “Can we go to the otter movie, Daddy? Please?”

  “I have to see if it’s still playing, buddy. If there’s a matinee on Sunday, we can probably do that.”

  “Then you can come for dinner,” Wanda said brightly. “Both of you.”

  “Take it down two notches,” Nate advised.

  “Come on, Nate.” The way Wanda said his name was rich with familiarity and persuasion. History. It made Ilke’s heart hurt in inexplicable ways. She wondered if coming here had been a mistake. He had said his marriage was a lot to get over and maybe he wasn’t over it.

  “We’ll talk about it and I’ll get back to you,” he said, looking Ilke’s way.

  Ilke shrugged, silently letting him know she didn’t want to intrude. She wished she knew him well enough to read whether Wanda’s suggestion annoyed him or what. Did he want her to meet his ex-wife? That seemed like a reasonable thing for Wanda to expect if she and Nate were serious, but they weren’t.

  Were they?

  She was still feeling shaky on the inside after revealing her ugly little secret earlier. She kept everything to herself as a rule, but Nate already knew her deepest pain. He shared it. Somehow that had allowed her to spill out the on
e that used to be her worst agony.

  He’d stood there and taken it in, then held her. Healed her.

  She didn’t know what that meant. They had kissed a few days ago, had been sharing meals and workouts and idle conversation, but the more time she spent with him, the more she wanted. She was becoming greedy, losing her edge where maintaining boundaries was concerned.

  Nate was saying good night. “I love you, Son. Have a good sleep.”

  “I love you, too. Good night, Daddy. Good night, Miss Ilke.”

  “Good night,” she called, voice holding the stretch this situation pulled on her heartstrings.

  Nate signed off and moved to set his phone on the night table. He slid his fingertips into his back pockets.

  “You don’t have to come. Most animated movies are okay, but the audience participation can get on your nerves. We have to go into Kalispell, which means it’s pretty much a whole-day shot. I limit the junk food, but he invariably snaps about six miles from home anyway.”

  “You chose project management over sales when you can pitch that hard?”

  His mouth quirked. “I’m just saying, I’ll owe you a proper dinner and movie if you risk this one. Or we could do that another time anyway.” His brow lifted in self-deprecation over how smoothly he maneuvered her into a date one way or another.

  That should have made her smile, but her mouth felt all wobbly. Things were happening to her that she had never felt or even really understood could happen. Thrums of nervous excitement that he wanted to be with her. Yearning for closeness of every kind, but her future wouldn’t have room for him.

  “What are we doing, Nate? Because I don’t know if I’ll be here or…”

  “I know.” He came over to pry loose the hands she had clamped around her elbows. He brought them together in the middle of his chest. His big palms warmed her through, all the way up her arms and into her back and down to the pit of her belly. Lower. Into her thighs until her toes curled in delight at the warm swirls he sent through her, just with that light, cherishing hold on her twitching fingers.

  She thought she could feel the thump of his heart against her wrist bone. She was quite certain she was falling into his eyes and would never come out, they were so dark and fathomless.

  “I’m barely here myself. I’m a workaholic with a kid. The last thing I need is another failed relationship, but look at me.” He dropped his gaze to her hands in his. “When you’re not in front of me, I want to know where you are. When you are here, I want to touch you.”

  “I like it when you touch me. When you’re not doing it, I wish you would.”

  “Yeah?” His mouth quirked in tender amusement and he drew one of her hands up to his lips and left a damp kiss on her knuckle. “I can arrange that.”

  How did such an innocuous touch feel so monumentally intimate? Maybe because she had never been one to enjoy affection, barely putting up with the air-kiss greetings some people demanded. Even massages irritated more than relaxed her, but Nate’s hands were different. When he rubbed his thumbs on the backs of her hands, she felt it rejuvenate something in her. Like she was rehydrating or filling her lungs with clean, cool air. It was like something necessary for her to thrive.

  He brought her other hand up and rubbed his lips against the backs of her fingers. “We should probably talk about—”

  “I have an IUD.” She saw the flicker of surprise in his gaze and shrugged self-consciously. “I got it when I went for my follow-up. I used to like the patch because I could control when I got my period, but I wanted something more permanent and failsafe since…”

  “Right. But I was asking about the movie—I’m kidding!” He laughed and grabbed her close before she had fully recoiled in appalled mortification.

  “You’re evil.” She pinched his side and he caught her hand, arm staying hard around her.

  “I’m a little bit evil, but things are so fucking heavy between us sometimes.”

  “You’re heavy,” she retorted, using the hand that wasn’t in his to try pinching his back, only getting pullover between her finger and thumb because he had such taut skin over solid muscle.

  He scooped her legs from under her, startling her into going stiff in his arms. “You’re not,” he said, and plopped her on the bed just as quickly as he’d picked her up. He dropped down beside her, then held himself on an elbow, gaze solemn, body warm and strong against hers. Pleasing.

  “I wish this could be light and easy,” he said. “I wish we could mess around and just enjoy it. But I don’t want to get hurt and I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you.”

  She traced the line where his cheek met his beard. His skin was ultra-soft in that one spot where he had freshly cleaned up the edges before dinner. She let her touch trail to pet his short beard, smoothing a couple of tiny hairs that were sticking the wrong way.

  “That’s what New Year’s was supposed to be. Painless.”

  “Yeah.”

  She folded her arm beneath the side of her head, snuggling a little closer, fingertips still smoothing his beard, tracing his lips. She watched his Adam’s apple as he swallowed.

  “Would you rather read your technical manual and I’ll go back to my room?”

  “That would probably be the wise thing for both of us.”

  He was right. She had never been particularly scared of falling or physical injury when she skied, but she was heart-stoppingly aware that opening herself to this man opened her up for pain she hadn’t known existed.

  She was also astonished by how much touching him, being with him, had already given her the same feelings of peace and excitement she got from skiing, but tenfold. Higher soaring joy, deeper visceral wonder, and more intense satisfaction.

  It was a long way to fall, but oh, the view from the top as she wavered. How could she not throw herself into it?

  She touched the back of his head.

  He lowered his mouth onto hers, dragging her close at the same time. Their legs tangled and they both sighed as their bodies sealed chest to loins to thighs, like they were magnetized. The tension shifted from pull to something balanced and centered and secure. Unbreakable.

  Their mouths did the same, slanting to fit so they were locked in a place of pure sensation. He was big and heavy even without pressing all his weight onto her. He intimidated, or should have, with those shoulders. His kiss was deeply possessive, tongue thrusting boldly into her mouth like he had every right.

  She loved it. All of it. Everything he did. Her arm behind his neck pulled him in as she twisted, urging him onto her further, wanting him to press her flat into the mattress while he made love to her mouth with his own.

  He complied with a growl, only half on her, but stretching out straight and hard, letting her feel more of his weight before he crooked one leg between hers, shifting her legs apart. He settled his fly against the tops of her thighs, so she felt the thick, hard shape of him pressing where her mound was an aching throb.

  Her sweat shirt rode up and his fingertips brushed her skin, came back and burrowed without hesitation into the warmth. When he found her braless, he cupped the swell of her naked breast in a hot palm. His thumb grazed her nipple, causing her to shiver with delight as her nipple prickled and stood under his flickering touch. He groaned into her mouth.

  This was how it had been the other time. Fast and physical, so intense and exciting she had to stay in the moment or risk her very life. She was greedy for his skin and her lips needed his and: “Why aren’t you inside me already?”

  “I’m trying not to come in my jeans,” he lifted to say, then dragged his mouth down to her neck. His thumb kept circling her nipple, but slow and deliberate while he scraped his teeth against her nape. “Slow down.”

  “But I’m so ready. I am,” she insisted, pushing his hand into her leggings.

  He swore as his touch met damp curls and moved easily in the valley between her slippery folds. He didn’t linger, only bit out a hard curse and sat up. He dragged her pants off a
s he went, without fanfare, expression fierce and hard as he gazed on her trembling thighs and pale blonde bush.

  “The way you make me feel. It’s not civilized.” He used two fingers to part and explore, teasing her clit by stroking on either side of it, not over it.

  She whimpered and squirmed, trying to guide his touch with one hand, plucking at the tail of his shirt with the other. “Take off your clothes.”

  “Not yet.” He moved to drag her shirt up and off, though. Then he loomed over her on his elbows, his clothed body over her naked one, nose to nose as he looked into her eyes.

  “I know you want to control this. Can you trust me to do it my way?”

  Her heart lurched. She did like to control sex. Make it fast so she wasn’t vulnerable too long. Hit as many gates as she could in as short a time as possible. There was something in the power of pushing a man past his breaking point, while she stayed in her zone—that appealed to her, too.

  “I’ll make you feel really good,” he promised. He flicked the tip of his tongue against her upper lip so erotically, she clenched with her inner muscles, aching and restless.

  She writhed, aroused and defenseless, very aware of her nudity under his fully clothed weight. She was reacting to his lightest touch in a way that felt like a huge disadvantage.

  “I want to make you come this time, when I go down.” He rubbed his lips against her jaw, kissed the tip of her nose, her chin.

  An automatic protest rose in her throat. She hardly ever let a man go down and always ended it before she lost herself. Nate had aroused her briefly in January, but it always felt too much. Letting herself go like that was too intimate.

  “You don’t want that?” She saw the shadows behind his eyes. Old ghosts?

  “I don’t know what I want,” she confessed. To feel safe. Which she did with him, mostly. She couldn’t believe the parts of her she had already let him see. This wasn’t any different. Being unguarded was deeply unsettling, but she could trust him—she knew that in her heart.

  It still felt like an act of blind faith to say, “Okay. If you want to.”

  He smiled, slow and hot with anticipation, body rocking so his thighs were between hers.