My Epic Fairy Tale Fail

by Anna Staniszewski

  I heard Trish and Melissa let out little gasps beside me.

  “I guess we’ll just have to get the answers right, then,” I said. Maybe I was wrong about the goldfish thing. The troll might not look frightening, but he seemed totally serious about gobbling us up.

  The troll stuck out a monstrous blue hand. “Incidentally, my name is Irwin. I think we should be properly introduced before I suck the meat off your bones.”

  “Um, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Jenny.” I took the troll’s hot-dog-sized pinky in my hand and shook it. Then I introduced my friends. Melissa looked squeamish when Irwin offered her a finger, but Trish’s professional side took over and she gave him a nice, firm fingershake.

  “Let’s begin.” Irwin cleared his throat and held his head high, like he was about to start singing opera.

  You’ll hear me when you’re lifted up and down.

  You’ll see me when a tree you’ve wrapped your car around.

  I’m sure to growl if to me you add an “o.”

  And if you hear me repeated, you’ve won the game show!

  The troll fell silent and took a step back, an expectant look on his blue face. I couldn’t help thinking that his rhyming skills weren’t much better than Melissa’s. But I tried not to focus on that as I started to replay the words in my head.

  “Oh, that’s easy!” Melissa said after a second. “The answer’s a—”

  “No, wait!” I cried. But it was too late.

  “—staircase.”

  There was a long moment of silence. Then Irwin’s eyes turned red, and he let out a high-pitched shriek. “Incorrect!” He swung his shiny club around his head and hurled it at Melissa.

  “Duck!” I screamed.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Melissa managed to dive out of the way just in time. The troll’s club fell to the ground with a dull thud, right in the spot where she’d been standing.

  I ran over to where she was sprawled on the ground, looking dazed. “Are you okay?”

  Melissa nodded and let me help her to her feet. “Guess my answer was wrong, huh?” she asked with a weak smile.

  I tried to laugh but was too frazzled to do anything more than cough. “Yeah, I’d say so. Next time, let’s check in with each other before shouting out answers, okay?”

  She nodded. “Sorry.” I could tell she meant it.

  “No problem.” I meant it too. Well, mostly. I couldn’t blame my friends for not knowing how things worked. I’d just have to keep a closer eye on them; that was all.

  “Pardon me,” Irwin called. “Do you wish to continue guessing or can I simply eat you now?”

  “We’ll keep guessing!” I called back. Melissa, Trish, and I gathered together again. “Okay, guys, no shouting out answers,” I reminded them.

  “Shall I repeat the riddle?” said Irwin.

  “Yes, please, Mr. Troll,” said Trish.

  Irwin sighed and began again in a lilting voice:

  You’ll hear me when you’re lifted up and down.

  You’ll see me when a tree you’ve wrapped your car around.

  I’m sure to growl if to me you add an “o.”

  And if you hear me repeated, you’ve won the game show!

  As I tried to think, I heard Trish mumbling the riddle to herself. Her eyes were closed in intense concentration. Since Trish was the most book-smart of the three of us, she was bound to have the best chance of getting the right answer.

  “Well?” said Irwin.

  Melissa and I looked at Trish expectantly. She opened her eyes and shook her head. “I-I don’t know, guys. I guess it could be…maybe it’s a…”

  “I’m growing impatient!” said Irwin.

  “A rock!” Trish cried.

  A rock? That couldn’t be right. Could it?

  “Incorrect!” Since Irwin no longer had his club, he grabbed a nearby boulder and chucked it in our direction. I threw myself forward and bowled my friends to the ground just as the boulder bounced past us like a basketball.

  “I’m sorry!” said Trish as we scrambled to our feet. Her glasses were almost hanging off her nose, but she didn’t seem to notice. “When I couldn’t figure out the answer, I panicked.”

  “It’s okay. We still have another chance.” I hoped I sounded more optimistic than I felt. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to becoming a troll snack.

  “Do you give up?” Irwin asked.

  “Not yet.” I ushered my friends behind me this time, hoping that might keep them safe, and faced Irwin head-on.

  “Once more, then,” he said. “And I must say, I truly am sorry to have to eat you if you fail. I think we all could have been friends.” He cleared his throat and repeated the riddle one more time.

  You’ll hear me when you’re lifted up and down.

  You’ll see me when a tree you’ve wrapped your car around.

  I’m sure to growl if to me you add an “o.”

  And if you hear me repeated, you’ve won the game show!

  This time Trish and Melissa kept their lips tightly sealed. My mind churned. There was no safety net. If I didn’t get this right, we’d all be turned into finger sandwiches.

  I’d never been great at riddles—even word searches tripped me up—but I tried to push that fact out of my head. After all, if Sir Knight could get the answer right, surely I could, too.

  Wait. Sir Knight.

  How had the knight—clearly not the sharpest sword in the armory—gotten the correct answer? Maybe that meant it was really obvious. Or…maybe he’d never figured out the answer at all.

  Excitement bubbled up in my stomach. That was it. It had to be.

  “Ding!” I cried.

  Melissa and Trish looked at me like my brain had just fallen out of my head.

  “Jenny, what are you doing?” said Trish. “Do you have the answer?”

  “Ding,” I repeated. “That’s the answer.”

  My friends looked at Irwin, clearly terrified, as he let out a low laugh. Then he raised his giant hands and…started clapping.

  “Nicely done, Jenny!” he said. “I was starting to doubt you.”

  I didn’t admit that I’d been having doubts myself. My knees felt rubbery and weak.

  “But, Jenny, how did you know the answer?” said Melissa.

  I shrugged. “If Sir Knight could answer the riddle, I figured it either had to be really easy, or he must have gotten it right by accident. He’s always dinging and clanging around.”

  “That’s brilliant!” said Trish.

  “Lucky guess.” I turned to Irwin. “Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have an object to find in your cave.”

  “You mean this?” He held out what looked like a clear spray bottle.

  As I took it out of his hand, I realized it was a clear spray bottle filled with cloudy white liquid. This was what we’d almost gotten eaten for?

  I unscrewed the top of the bottle and sniffed the liquid inside. The scent was tangy and familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. It definitely didn’t smell like something I’d want to drink.

  “Are you sure this is it?” I said.

  Irwin nodded. “That’s what the witch put in my home.”

  “But wait, why is it still here?” said Trish. “If Sir Knight completed the task, shouldn’t he have taken it with him?”

  “Ilda returns the object here if the person fails to complete the three tasks.” Irwin’s shoulders sagged, and suddenly he looked like a lost little kid instead of a flesh-eating troll. “So I guess you’ll be leaving me, then?”

  I nodded. “We have to go do the second task.”

  He let out a long sigh. “I understand. It’s just…it gets a bit lonely here. Back when there was still magic, I could transport myself to different parts of the land to see my friends. But now the magic is almost gone,
and they’re all such a long way off.”

  “If you hate that the magic is disappearing, then why are you helping Ilda?” said Trish.

  Irwin shook his head. “I’m a troll. Guarding is in my nature. When someone gives me an object, I have no choice.”

  He looked so genuinely sad that I couldn’t help reaching out and giving his giant blue leg a squeeze. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll get rid of Ilda and bring the magic back. I promise.” It occurred to me how many times I’d made that same promise since I’d arrived in the Land of Tales. Apparently, I liked putting even more pressure on myself.

  Irwin picked up his club and hugged it to his chest. “I wish I could believe that, but I’m afraid my land is doomed. Still, I hope you succeed.”

  “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” I said. I barely cringed anymore when cheesy sayings came out of my mouth, but I could practically hear Trish and Melissa rolling their eyes.

  “Very true,” Irwin replied like I’d said something unbelievably wise. At least he looked a little less deflated than he had before.

  I tucked the spray bottle in my bag—careful not to squish Leonard, who was still sleeping soundly—and we waved good-bye to Irwin before heading back the way we’d come.

  “That was great,” said Melissa. “I could do it all over again!”

  It took me a second to realize that she was being serious. “Are you crazy? We almost got turned into troll food!”

  “I know,” she said, her eyes sparkling. “It was so exciting. Way better than sitting in school all day.” She started singing softly to herself, putting the troll’s riddle to music.

  “How do you deal with being back in our boring old world, Jenny?” said Trish. “This place is amazing. I thought it would be like living in a fairy tale, but it’s even better than that.”

  Now Melissa was humming a different tune under her breath and composing a song about our adventure. I swore I heard her trying to rhyme the words “troll” and “boulder” with each other.

  I couldn’t believe it. Did my friends not realize we’d almost been goners? Maybe there was a reason normal people weren’t allowed to go on these kinds of adventures.

  As we climbed over a fallen tree, I stopped in my tracks. The feeling was back, that prickle along my spine that made me think we were being watched.

  “Jenny, are you okay?” said Trish, turning to look at me.

  For a second, I considered telling my friends the truth, but then I had a way-too-vivid image of Melissa running through the woods, excited to greet our potential stalker with a tune. Keeping my mouth shut was probably safer, at least for now.

  “I’m fine. Let’s go.” I tried to make my voice light, but inside I felt anything but. There was no question now; we were definitely being followed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The farther we were from Irwin’s cave, the less freaked out I got. Whoever was following us clearly didn’t want to hurt us, at least not right now. Otherwise, they would have already tried. Most likely, Ilda or one of her spies was keeping tabs on us. The only thing I was sure of was that it wasn’t Sir Knight, since we would have heard his soundtrack echoing through the woods.

  “Jenny,” Trish said after we’d been walking for a while. “Is there any way we could stop and get something to eat? I’m starving.”

  “There aren’t really any restaurants around here,” I told her.

  “Well, isn’t there a peasant who could take us in and feed us? You know, like in real fairy tales?” Trish’s face looked dreamy, as if she were imagining a kind old woman bent over a big pot of bubbling stew.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Even if we found someone, I don’t think they’d want to help us, not after the welcome we got at the palace.” I rifled around in my bag and took out one of the granola bars I always kept for emergencies. “Will this work? It’s a little smushed, but it’s edible.” I didn’t mention that Leonard had started to nibble through the wrapper.

  Trish didn’t look thrilled, but she unwrapped the granola bar and bit off a hunk without comment.

  We’d taken a few more steps before Melissa stopped. “Jenny, there isn’t a bathroom anywhere, is there?”

  Didn’t she know heroes didn’t have time to go to the bathroom? I pointed to a nearby shrub. “Can you make do with that?”

  Melissa sighed and went toward the bushes with a resigned look on her face. I wondered if this part of the adventure would find its way into Trish’s English paper. I wasn’t sure Mrs. Brown would appreciate an essay on the bathroom habits of magical creatures.

  Finally, we set off again in the direction of the second challenge. All I knew was that Ilda had mentioned a lake. I wished I’d thought to pack a bathing suit. Diving for magical objects in jeans and a T-shirt didn’t sound all that comfortable.

  Soon we passed by a farm where a few boys were running around in a circle and squealing like pigs.

  “What are they doing?” said Melissa, just as the boys noticed us and started to come toward the rotting wooden fence. They were all stick-thin, like they hadn’t had a good meal in months.

  The smallest boy in the group was clearly the bravest since he marched right over to us while the others hung back.

  “You’re the adventurer,” he said, looking me up and down.

  I nodded. “That’s me. What are you guys doing?”

  “My brothers and I are practicing for the pig race,” he said. “I came in third out of all the boys at the festival last year. This year, I’m going to win, and Ilda will stock our barn with grain.” The boy was far too young to be worrying about feeding his family, but he was clearly taking the whole thing very seriously.

  “Let me guess. Ilda turns you into pigs before you race?” I said.

  The boy nodded. “It tickles a little, but it’s worth it. Even if I do snort-laugh for days after.”

  I couldn’t believe the way the boy was talking, like he didn’t see anything wrong with what Ilda was doing. How could people live like this? It was the furthest thing from a fairy tale I could imagine. There was no way I’d let Ilda get away with it anymore. When I glanced at Melissa and Trish, they were obviously thinking the same thing.

  “What’s your name?” I asked.

  “Jack Beanstalk,” the boy said, flashing a crooked grin.

  “Your last name is Beanstalk?” I said.

  The boy shrugged. “Not really, but that’s what they call me. Ever since I threw those beans out the window.”

  “Wait!” said Melissa. “You’re that Jack?”

  “Where’s your beanstalk?” said Trish, scanning the area. She was practically bouncing with excitement.

  The boy’s eyes widened. “You’ve heard of it? It’s not much to look at now that the magic is almost gone, but it used to be amazing. It grew overnight, almost all the way up to the sky!” His face fell. “Now it’s not growing at all. It doesn’t even have any beans on it.”

  “Who knows,” I said. “When the magic comes back, maybe the beanstalk will get so big that it really will go all the way up to the sky.” My friends and I exchanged knowing looks as Jack’s face lit up again.

  “I hope so!” he said. “Just think how many beans would grow on it then. We wouldn’t be hungry at all!”

  “Especially if you like golden eggs,” Melissa chimed in.

  Jack’s face scrunched in confusion. “What?”

  I elbowed Melissa. There was no need to spoil Jack’s future adventures for him. “Jack,” I said. “Do you think you could do me a favor and share this food with your brothers?”

  I reached in my bag and almost yelped as Leonard nipped my finger. Luckily, I managed to pull out my remaining granola bars with all my digits still intact.

  Jack’s big eyes got even wider. “You’re giving us your food?”

  I nodded and put the granola bars into his han
ds. “And don’t worry,” I said. “You won’t have to be turned into a pig again. I’m going to fix things. I promise.” There I went again, promising things. I was a promise-a-holic.

  Jack grinned and turned to run back to his brothers on his skinny legs. As I watched the kids tear into the granola bars like they were the best things in the universe, I knew I had to keep my promise. No matter what.

  Chapter Fifteen

  When we got to the lake, the three of us let out a collective “ew.” The water was so thick and green that it reminded me of split pea soup.

  Near the edge of the lake, I noticed an older man sitting in a rowboat that was perched in the bushes. He was swinging an oar around like he was trying to push the boat through the air.

  “Hey there!” I said, going over to him. This man didn’t appear completely sane, but maybe he could give us a hint about our task. “What are you doing?”

  “It won’t move,” he said, huffing as he kept swinging the oar through the air. “Every day I come out here, hoping it’ll work again, but it won’t.”

  “What won’t?” I said as Melissa and Trish came up beside me.

  “The boat. It used to bring me out onto the lake every morning and float around to all the best fishing spots. Now it just sits here, useless.”

  “Did it used to run on magic?” Trish asked.

  The man stopped swinging the oar and frowned at her. “Of course,” he said. “How else would it work?”

  The three of us exchanged looks. “By putting it in the water and rowing it yourself?” Melissa said slowly, as if she were explaining the idea to a toddler.

  “But what would protect me from the monster?” The man looked at us like we were crazy.

  “There’s a monster in the lake?” Trish’s cheeks flushed with obvious excitement.

  The man shook his head, pursing his already-wrinkled lips. “It’s best not to speak of the creature, or it will come.”

  “But what kind of monster is it?” I asked. “What does it do?”

  The man stumbled out of the boat looking ready to run, as if he expected the monster to appear at any second. “It lures you in,” he whispered. “And then it eats you.” He turned and hurried away, leaving his boat behind.