My Epic Fairy Tale Fail

by Anna Staniszewski

  My aunt barely glanced in my direction. She obviously was still upset about how I’d yelled at her the night before.

  “Aunt Evie?”

  “Mm?”

  “I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. You’re not my mom, but you’re the only family I have. And…and you’re right about my grades. I’ll work on them, okay?”

  My aunt nodded and smiled. “I know it’s hard for you without your parents, dear. I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”

  She looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t know what to say. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my parents for the millionth time. But what I’d said to my aunt was true: she was my only family and the closest thing I had to a parent. Maybe it was time I started thinking of her that way.

  “How about we do something fun today?” I asked. “Just the two of us?”

  My aunt blinked at me. “What would you like to do?”

  I smiled, realizing there was one activity my aunt was bound to enjoy.

  •••

  The mini-golf course was pirate-themed, complete with a miniature pirate ship. Aunt Evie looked nervous as I dragged her onto the course. She was completely out of her element holding a mini-golf club instead of a cup of tea, and without an animal or two hanging on her. But she smiled and looked willing to give it a shot.

  After trying to hit the ball with the handle of the club a couple of times, Aunt Evie finally got the hang of things. I tried not to get too low of a score so she wouldn’t get discouraged. By the time we were halfway through the course, my aunt and I were chatting and laughing as if our fight had never happened. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had so much fun together.

  But just as we were getting to the last hole—a giant clown face that made me shiver—Leonard started squeaking in my bag. Aunt Evie gave me a strange look.

  “Are you all right, dear?” she said. “Is that you whimpering?”

  I plastered a fake smile on my face. “Nope. I’m fine.”

  But I could tell she could see right through my pretend cheerfulness. “What is it? What’s the matter?”

  I shook my head, wishing I could tell her about what was going on, and about poor Leonard and how I’d failed him. Not only was it against the rules for me to tell my aunt about being an adventurer, but she probably wouldn’t know how to handle the truth.

  When I didn’t say anything, Aunt Evie’s face softened. “Is it your parents, dear? I noticed you stopped wearing your mother’s bracelet.”

  A wave of anger erupted inside me. Did I have an “ask me about my parents” sign taped to my back?

  “No!” I cried. “It has nothing to do with them, okay? Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?”

  I stomped off to finish our mini-golf game. I swung the club and got the ball right into the clown’s mouth. Hole-in-one. But instead of celebrating, I felt like crying. What was wrong with me?

  “Jenny,” Aunt Evie said. “Come here.” She led me to a bench and sat me down. “Did I ever tell you about the morning your parents left, before they disappeared?”

  I shook my head. My aunt hardly ever talked about my parents, and she avoided mentioning anything about that day.

  “Why?” I said. “What happened?”

  Aunt Evie chewed on her lip. “Your mom and dad brought you over like they usually did when they went away on business. They said they’d be back in a couple days, but two days went by, and there was no sign of them. Then three days. By then I got worried and called the police. It turned out there was no record of the dentistry convention they were supposed to be attending. That’s when the police officially declared them missing.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I said. It wasn’t making me feel any better.

  My aunt sighed. “The thing is, dear, it occurred to me afterward that they had both been acting a little strangely that day. Your mother insisted on saying good-bye to you again, after she’d already put you to bed, like she knew she would be gone for longer than a couple days. And I…well, I don’t think my brother would like me saying this…but he seemed a little afraid.”

  “Afraid? Of what?”

  “I have no idea.” She looked up at me. “But the important thing is that they went, even though they were clearly anxious about something. Your parents were always like that. Like the time my brother helped me hypnotize an elephant, even though he was allergic to its ear hair. He forged ahead even when it was difficult and he couldn’t stop sneezing.”

  I finally understood what my aunt was saying. “And that’s what we have to do, right? Go on without my mom and dad even though it’s hard?”

  My aunt nodded. “And it is hard, isn’t it? Sometimes, I want more than anything for them to come back so we can all be a family again.”

  Our conversation sent my brain spinning. If my parents had been unusually nervous before the mission, they must have known they were up against something big. But what? Were they afraid of Ilda? Or of something else?

  And yet they’d gone on the mission anyway. Even though they were afraid, even though they knew they might not see me again, they’d still gone.

  Because that’s what adventurers did. They didn’t learn how to pick their battles like Jasmine claimed. If they knew something had to be done, they did it, no matter what. Not because there was something in it for them, but because other people needed their help.

  I realized I’d gone to the Land of Tales for all the wrong reasons. I hadn’t really cared about helping the kingdom. I’d been far too focused on finding my parents. No wonder I’d messed everything up.

  And that was why I had to go back.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “You want us to what?” said Melissa when the three of us were gathered in my room that afternoon.

  “Help me trick Anthony again so I can go back to the Land of Tales,” I repeated. “And it has to be today, before it’s too late.”

  “But I don’t understand,” said Trish. “You already went there and saved the day. Why do you have to go back?”

  I sighed. It was time to fess up. “Because I screwed up. I failed the last task. You guys were right. I couldn’t do it without your help.”

  I stopped, realizing that what I’d said was true. Maybe having my friends along hadn’t been perfect, but who knows how far I would have gotten without them? I might have failed the first task like everyone else except Sir Knight.

  “I’m sorry for how I treated you guys,” I went on. “I just got scared that something would happen to you. I could never forgive myself if you got really hurt because of me. But I did need your help then—and I definitely need it now. Can you forgive me for being a jerk?”

  Trish and Melissa looked at each other. Then Melissa grinned and started singing:

  We forgive you,

  You silly horseshoe.

  You’re a good friend, girl,

  Though your hair will not curl.

  This time I wanted to laugh not because the song was awful (which, let’s face it, it was), but because I was so glad that everything was okay with us again.

  “So where do we start?” said Trish after Melissa was (mercifully) done singing.

  “Well, you managed to trick Anthony once,” I said. “We need to figure out a way to do it again.”

  “Why won’t he just take you without us tricking him?” said Trish.

  “Because adventurers aren’t allowed in the Land of Tales anymore. Even Anthony wouldn’t break a rule like that on purpose. He can’t risk losing his job. But if he doesn’t realize he’s doing it, maybe he won’t get in trouble.”

  Trish scrunched her eyebrows together. “What if he didn’t bring you back?” she said slowly. “What if he only brought us?”

  “No way,” I said. “I’m not going to let you guys go back there without me.”

  “I
know,” said Trish. “I just mean, what if Anthony brings us there, not realizing he’s bringing you along, too?”

  “But how would that work?” said Melissa. “We can’t shrink Jenny and put her in one of our backpacks.” She wrinkled her forehead. “Can we?”

  “We won’t need to,” said Trish, her smile getting bigger by the second. “I’ve got a plan.”

  •••

  The first step to making Trish’s plan work was to head to the candy store in town. The shop reminded me a lot of Ilda’s house: the roof was brick red and the walls were decorated to look like gingerbread. Luckily, the store clerk accepted money as payment instead of humiliation.

  As Melissa, Trish, and I huddled behind some bushes across the street, Trish filled me in on how they’d managed to bribe Anthony the first time.

  “Melissa and I ran into him at the candy store, right after he went on his diet.”

  “He was drooling so much, there was a puddle on the floor!” said Melissa.

  Trish grinned. “We barely had to say the word ‘candy’ and he was willing to take us to the moon.”

  “Look!” Melissa said, jabbing me in the ribs. I was starting to think I should get her elbow pads for her birthday. “There he is! I told you he’d come back at his usual time.”

  Anthony was moseying on down the street, chewing on some broccoli with a pained look on his face. He wore a nondescript coat over his brightly colored clothes and a hat pulled low over his flaming hair. He was still shorter than almost everyone else on the street, but otherwise he blended in surprisingly well.

  “Ready?” Trish asked me.

  I nodded and crossed my fingers that this plan worked. Otherwise, I had no idea what I’d do. Then I checked on Leonard who was tucked into the corner of my bag. Hopefully, I’d be able to get him safely back home.

  “Anthony!” Melissa called as she hurried down the street, waving. The gnome stopped.

  I watched them talking for a minute. Then I saw Melissa pull a bag of candy out of her pocket. Anthony’s eyes practically fell out of his head. When Melissa offered him a piece, he gobbled it up and looked desperate for more.

  I started to creep along the street, hiding behind benches so Anthony wouldn’t see me. Just as I crouched near a mailbox, Trish hurried down the street past me.

  “Melissa!” she said. “I’m so glad I found you. Have you seen my notebook? The one with all my magic notes in it?”

  “No,” said Melissa. “When was the last time you saw it?”

  Trish pretended to think for a minute. Then she gasped. “I must have dropped it when we were on that adventure with Jenny. Probably when you got injured in the lake. It must still be there.”

  Melissa turned to Anthony. “Do you think you could take us back to look for it?”

  Anthony shook his head. “Sorry, no can do.”

  “But I need those notes or I’ll flunk out of school!” Trish said with a wail. “I’ll die! Please!” She grabbed Anthony’s arm and started fake-sobbing into his shoulder.

  If there was one thing Anthony couldn’t stand, it was crying. “Now, now. It’s okay. Maybe I could go find the notebook for you.”

  “But you don’t know what it looks like!” said Trish through her imaginary tears, putting on an impressive performance. “And what if that monster eats you while you’re looking for it? You need someone to keep an eye out.”

  “Monster?” said Anthony. “The one that tried to strangle Melissa?”

  Melissa nodded. “My ribs still hurt a little, but I guess that’s what happens when a creature squeezes you so hard that you pass out. And almost die.” She smiled brightly. “I’m sure that wouldn’t happen to you, though.”

  I could practically hear Anthony gulp.

  “Well, maybe I could…” Anthony took off his hat and put it back on again. “I mean, you two aren’t adventurers, so it might be okay…” He still didn’t look convinced.

  “We’ll pay you!” said Melissa. “Anything you want.”

  “Anything I want?” he said, his eyes wandering over to the candy-store’s window display. After his taste of sugar, he was clearly willing to do whatever it took to get more.

  I couldn’t help smiling. Ding! Ding! Ding! We’d won.

  After Trish had promised Anthony all the candy he could eat, I waited until Anthony, Trish, and Melissa went around the side of the building where they could safely disappear. Then I crept to the corner and waited. Just as I heard the Pop! I lunged forward and grabbed on to Trish’s backpack.

  The four of us spun in between worlds before being spit out near the edge of Nessie’s lake. The minute we arrived, I let go of Trish and jumped behind a bush before Anthony noticed me.

  As my friends led Anthony around the lake, pretending to look for the notebook, I snuck away toward the woods. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Trish looking at me with a smile on her face.

  “Thank you,” I mouthed.

  She gave me a small wave before turning back to Anthony. Something told me she was going to write the best English paper anyone had ever read.

  I was swimming in warm, fuzzy feelings as I hurried through the forest. My friends were the best. I was never going to take them for granted again.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  My first stop would be Ilda’s house. I had to convince her to let me try the third task one more time. Otherwise, sneaking back into the Land of Tales would be all for nothing.

  On the way, I spotted Jack Beanstalk doing stretches near his farm. This time, his brothers were nowhere in sight.

  “You’re back!” he said, rushing over to me. “They said you deserted us.”

  “Of course not. I promised I’d help, and I’m going to.”

  Jack looked at me doubtfully. “But you only have until sunset today. Do you really think you can do it?”

  “The curse ends at sunset?” I’d assumed I’d have until midnight.

  “And the festival’s starting soon. My brothers have already gone ahead.” Jack sighed. “I hope my tail disappears right away this time. Last year, it took days for it to fade. My oldest brother’s nose still looks more piggish than it did before.”

  “I guess I’d better hurry,” I said.

  Jack flashed me a smile. “Good luck. I hope you don’t fail!”

  “Um, thanks.” Me too.

  •••

  When I got to Ilda’s house, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Almost instantly, the witch’s smiling face appeared in the doorway. Today she was wearing her best ensemble yet: a pair of shamrock earrings and a purple cardigan covered with glittery rainbows. I knew some unicorns who would love the sight of her. If only I could get them to come and stick her with their horns.

  “Oh, you’re back,” she said. “I thought they’d driven you out of this land.”

  “I’m not that easy to get rid of,” I said.

  Ilda laughed, flashing her lipstick-stained teeth. “Perseverance is a virtue!”

  “I want you to let me try the third task again,” I said.

  She shook her head, her smile fading. “I’m afraid that’s impossible. Everyone gets one chance, and that’s it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a festival to get to.”

  Ilda tried to push past me, but I blocked her way. “If you’re so sure the tasks are impossible, what’s the harm in letting me try?”

  “Because those are the rules. They wouldn’t like it if…” She broke off, wincing like she’d said too much.

  “Who wouldn’t like it?” I said.

  The witch let out a high-pitched giggle. “The other people who’ve already attempted the tasks, of course. It wouldn’t be fair to them, would it?”

  Since when did Ilda care about fairness?

  This time she did manage to push past me and out of the house. She clapped her hands loudly and wait
ed, but nothing happened. Then she snapped her fingers, stomped her feet, and flapped her arms in an elaborate crazy chicken dance. Still nothing.

  “Where is that rooster?” she said, throwing her hands up in frustration. “Some creatures are just hopeless, no matter how much you teach them.”

  My mind was spinning. Everyone had a price: Anthony’s candy bribe proved that. I just had to figure out what Ilda’s weakness was.

  And then it came to me: Humiliation. That’s what she loved the most.

  “Okay, you like to make deals, right? How about this: You let me redo the last task during the festival today.”

  Ilda’s mouth curled up in amusement. “And why would I do that?”

  “Think about it. Me failing in front of everyone will be like the crowning jewel of the event. And when it’s all done, the land’s magic will be gone, I’ll be a pancake, and you’ll have won.”

  Ilda played with the chain around her neck as she thought over what I’d said. The fact that she was considering it at all was a good sign.

  “That’s a start,” she said. “But I’m not sure that would teach you enough of a lesson. How about this? When you fail, if you’re still alive, you will voluntarily allow me to turn you into any type of object I want. Maybe a rock or a bush or a wheel of cheese. That way I can use you as an example and everyone will benefit!”

  What could I say? I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of spending the rest of my life as a hunk of stinky cheese, but I didn’t have a choice. I would just have to make sure not to fail this time.

  “Fine,” I said. “But if I succeed, you have to give the land its magic back and reverse all the curses you’ve put on everyone. And after that, you’ll leave this land alone forever.”

  “Very well,” said Ilda, her voice sweet and sticky. She obviously thought I was a fool for making this deal with her. “Your humiliation will be the star attraction of the festival.” She giggled. “Then everyone will be able to learn from your failure! If only your parents had—”

  I made myself tune out her words as I stomped away. Nothing was going to distract me from succeeding this time.