My Epic Fairy Tale Fail

by Anna Staniszewski

  “Finally,” Ralph snarled, “the beast will be mine.”

  Chapter Thirty

  “What are you doing here, Wolf?” Ilda demanded.

  “You thought you could keep me under control forever,” said Ralph, inching closer. Each of his labored steps dragged the boulder along. The stunned crowd parted to let him through. “But seven years of exercise have finally paid off, and now I’m strong enough that your curse can’t stop me.”

  The Monsterooster was completely frozen in terror at the foot of the stage. I didn’t want to let Ilda out of my sight, but I had to do something. I couldn’t let Ralph gobble up the helpless rooster in front of everyone. Or at all.

  “Sir Knight,” I said. “Can’t you stop him?”

  The knight shook his head. “Ralph has earned his revenge. We all have.”

  Clearly, I would get no help there. I turned back to Ralph. “You don’t want to do this!” I called out.

  “Oh yes, I do,” Ralph said with a growl. Then he dropped to all fours and went straight for the Monsterooster’s throat.

  The rooster screeched and flapped his wings. At the same moment, Ilda grabbed her necklace and mumbled something under her breath. A bolt of lightning flew at Ralph, but the wolf managed to jump out of the way. Instead of hitting him, the lightning zapped the ground and sent huge sparks flying everywhere.

  Ralph started to charge forward again. For some reason, the boulder behind him was no longer moving. He stopped running and whirled around. “The rope,” he said in disbelief. “It’s gone.”

  I realized that Ilda’s lightning bolt must have broken the invisible rope that had kept Ralph attached to the boulder. He was free. Which was good news for Ralph, but really bad news for the rooster.

  The wolf turned back toward us with a sneer on his long face. “Finally,” he said. Then he crouched, ready to pounce. The rooster’s eyes were bugging out so much that they looked like they might pop.

  As I racked my brain for a plan, I noticed that the sun had officially set. Did that mean I was too late? Had time run out and all the land’s magic was gone?

  “Stand back, Wolf!” cried Ilda. “I will not have you eating my pet!”

  She pushed me aside, and I stumbled forward. My bag fell off my shoulder and landed on the ground. Instantly, as if he’d just been waiting for his chance, Leonard jumped out of my bag and skittered away. He was running so fast that I couldn’t even see his legs moving.

  The mouse darted off the stage and ran right in front of the giant rooster’s nose.

  The Monsterooster’s terrified eyes turned downright panicked. Apparently, the combination of a wolf and a mouse was just too much for him to handle.

  The rooster reared his head, let out an ear-piercing squawk, and started fluttering his giant wings again. He was flapping them so furiously this time that his saddle started to slip off. After a moment, the saddle fell onto the dirt and the rooster started to lift off the ground. I was pretty sure that such an enormous bird taking flight defied the laws of nature, but the Monsterooster was obviously too terrified to care about physics.

  Ralph charged after the bird but was too late. When he realized he couldn’t reach the rooster, the wolf stood absolutely still, his jaw hanging open, watching his dinner fly away. Then he let out a long, pained howl. “Is this my punishment?” he cried at the heavens. “I’m sorry I ever ate that red riding girl!” Then he turned and retreated into the woods, his tail between his legs.

  “Where are you going, my pet? Come back!” Ilda shrieked toward the sky, but the rooster wasn’t listening. It was turning into a smaller and smaller speck among the clouds.

  The witch craned her neck and did her crazy chicken dance, but it didn’t help. Finally, she clasped the necklace and mumbled something under her breath. Her eyes widened, and her words got louder. I realized what was happening: she was trying to cast a spell, but it wasn’t working.

  Ilda screamed in frustration and tore off the necklace. Her face grew so red that it looked like a giant apple. “They betrayed me! They told me I’d still have my magic, and now it’s gone!” Her eyes swung to where the sun had just set behind the trees. “It’s over. They took all the magic for themselves, and they betrayed me.”

  “What do you mean?” I said. “Who betrayed you?”

  Her eyes were wild like a trapped animal’s. “What am I supposed to do without my power? They promised me. They said if I just waited seven years and let them drain the magic from the land, I could keep my own. They said this necklace would give me magic forever and that I could finally have my revenge.”

  “Revenge? On who?”

  “On them,” Ilda shrieked, pointing at the crowd of villagers. “For years I stood in front of that classroom, trying to get knowledge into their minds, and they laughed at me, said they didn’t need knowledge when they had magic. As if that weren’t bad enough, they tormented and humiliated me. The only way I could make it stop was to punish them, but they still found ways. I could hear them giggling when my back was turned.

  “Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I burned that schoolhouse down.” The witch’s lips curled up in a grim smile. “When she came to me and told me about her plan to take all the magic, I knew it was my chance to finally teach this kingdom a lesson.”

  I marched over and grabbed Ilda’s arms. “Look at me!” I said. “Who are you talking about? Who planned this?” Maybe I was a people-shaker after all.

  Her wild eyes finally focused on me. “The fairies,” she said. “They’re the ones you want. They’re the ones who took your parents.”

  “What? But you said you didn’t know who took them.”

  Ilda let out a dry laugh. “I lied, just like the fairies told me to. They were behind everything. They ruined this land. And now they’ve ruined me.”

  “What about my parents?” I could barely breathe. “Are they alive?”

  The witch sighed, her shoulders sagging, as if her energy had left her. “Last I heard, they were.”

  Blood rushed into my ears. My mom and dad were alive! “But what would the fairies want with my parents?”

  “Your mother and father suspected the truth about the curse, so the fairies took them to their home base. And then they—”

  Before she could say another word, a blinding flash lit up the stage and—Poof!—Ilda was gone.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  There was a stunned silence as everyone stared at the spot where Ilda had just been.

  Then people in the crowd started to scream while Sir Knight rushed forward to examine the stage. All that was left of Ilda was my mother’s necklace, shining in the fading sunlight.

  Ilda was gone.

  “Where did she go?” said Sir Knight.

  “The fairies,” I said, trying to process what had happened. Suddenly, I remembered the times when Ilda had mentioned that she wasn’t the one making the rules, that someone would be upset if she changed the way things were done. Had she been talking about the fairies?

  If the fairies really were behind my parents’ disappearance, then what Ilda had said about my mom and dad literally vanishing in front of her eyes was true. And now, all these years later, they’d taken the witch too.

  After I sank to the ground, I scooped up the necklace and clutched it tightly in my hand.

  I still didn’t know where my parents were, but at least one good thing had come of all this: I finally knew who had taken them.

  •••

  “But why would the fairies take my land’s magic?” Princess Nartha asked after I’d recounted what had happened. She, Aletha, and the old servant were the only people who hadn’t been at the festival. Of course, after Aletha had heard that Ilda was gone, she’d fainted dead away, and the servant had had to carry her to her room.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I’m going to find out.”
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br />   The princess nodded and went over to her usual spot by the window. “What will we do now? All this time, I thought we simply needed to be rid of Ilda to get our magic back. But now…”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, wishing I could do more.

  Princess Nartha let out a long sigh. “I suppose my people and I will just have to go on as we have.”

  “Excuse me for saying so, Your Highness, but I don’t think your attitude is really helping.”

  She turned to me. “Excuse me?”

  “If you’re convinced that your kingdom can’t function without magic, then it won’t. But maybe if you try new things, find a way to live so that you don’t need magic, your kingdom might be okay. You have to be positive, you know?”

  “Be positive,” she repeated. “I-I suppose you might be right. It’s just that my land has always had magic. When the magic started to disappear so soon after my parents were transformed, I didn’t know what to do.”

  I could understand feeling lost without parents, but that didn’t mean the princess should just give up. “I know you can do it,” I said. “You just need to have some faith in yourself.”

  For the first time ever, the princess actually smiled. “That is something my father used to say to me. He felt I didn’t have enough faith in my ability to be a ruler one day.”

  Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Then it opened and the old servant poked his head in. “Your Highness, you have visitors.”

  “Visitors?” she said, clearly surprised. “Who are they?”

  “It’s only us!” I heard Anthony say a second before he pushed past the servant and marched into the room. Behind him were Melissa and Trish. All three of them bowed to the princess.

  “What are you guys doing here?” I said.

  “We thought you might need our help,” said Melissa. “You know, now that the magic is really gone.”

  Trish stepped forward. “Your Highness,” she said. “We’re offering you our services.”

  “We might not know how to use magic,” Melissa explained, “but we’re really good at living without it. Heck, we’ve been doing it all our lives. That means we’re naturals.”

  “For example,” said Trish, pulling a teakettle from behind her back, “we’re happy to show your people how to boil water without magic. It’s actually pretty easy!”

  I glanced at Anthony. “Was this your idea?”

  He shook his head. “I wish I could take the credit, but your friends were the ones who thought of it. And the Committee even approved it after I persuaded them.” He winked, and I had a feeling he’d bribed the old women with Tootsie Rolls again.

  “But what about returning to your world and to your families?” said Princess Nartha. “Would you really want to stay here and help us?”

  “For a little while, anyway,” said Melissa. “Our parents just think we’re away on a school trip. And Anthony said he could use some magic to make sure our tests are passed and stuff.” I could tell the idea of not having to study or do homework was especially appealing to her.

  “It could be an exchange of information,” said Trish. “We’d teach your people what we know about living normal lives, and you could teach us about your customs. Deal?”

  The princess looked at me like she was asking for my approval.

  I turned to my friends. “It might take a while before the villagers are okay without you.” I glanced at Trish. “What about your English paper? What about the essay contest?”

  Trish grinned. “Who cares about an essay when I’ll have enough material to write a whole book?”

  “What about you, Melissa?” I said. “Won’t you miss your music?”

  She shrugged. “I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about while I’m here. And Sir Knight says his younger brother is a musician. He’s going to introduce us. Maybe the two of us can even write a duet together.” She waggled her eyebrows so enthusiastically that they looked like they might come off. Then she reached into Trish’s backpack, pulled out her hockey mask, and plopped it on her head. “See? I’m ready!”

  “So am I,” said Trish, putting on her bike helmet. “We really want this, Jenny.”

  I laughed. “Then I guess it’s a plan. And while you guys are here, maybe you can check on Jack once in a while. And look in on Irwin and Nessie too, and make sure they’re okay without magic. You might want to leave that headgear on just in case. Or bring Sir Knight with you.”

  “Speaking of Sir Knight,” said Trish. “I think we might have come up with a solution to his little problem. At least until we find a way to undo the curse.”

  “Which problem?” said Princess Nartha. “I could make a list.”

  “His noise pollution problem,” Trish clarified. She opened the chamber door and Sir Knight strode in, totally soundlessly. He was still wearing his armor, but it was now wrapped in a layer of foam padding and duct tape.

  “Now you and Princess Aletha can finally be together,” Melissa said with a wistful sigh.

  “If she will have me,” said the knight.

  “Of course I will!” said a voice from out in the hallway. Then Aletha swept into the room and threw her arms around Sir Knight. “You’re so soft and squishy!”

  It was like a scene straight out of a cheesy fairy tale, which normally I would have found sickening, but I couldn’t help grinning at the sight. Even though so many things still needed to be set right in this land, at least Aletha and Sir Knight could finally be happy. Even Princess Nartha looked almost pleased.

  “See? My friends will be a huge help to your kingdom,” I told her.

  “Very well,” Princess Nartha said. “With their aid, I’m sure I’ll be able to make my kingdom something my parents could be proud of again.” She glanced at the rug and chair in the center of the room. “I only wish I could bring them back. Do you think there’s any way…?”

  I bit my lip. I wanted to reassure Princess Nartha that we could change her parents back, but with Ilda gone and the magic drained, I didn’t know if that was possible.

  “Once I track down my parents,” I said, “we’ll come back here and fix everything.”

  The princess nodded. “Thank you for all your help, Jenny.” She still looked sad, but there was genuine warmth in her voice.

  “You have done our kingdom a great kindness,” Aletha chimed in. Luckily, she’d forgiven me for allowing Leonard to run away. She had faith that he would find his way home eventually.

  “I’m just glad your people don’t hate adventurers anymore,” I said. And don’t blame my parents, I silently added. “Oh, and I have something for you.” I rummaged around in my bag and found Ilda’s first two objects. “Maybe you can burn them. It might make you feel better.”

  Princess Nartha glanced at the one that looked like a fly swatter. “You’re giving us a carpet beater?”

  I turned the object around, realizing she was right. I remembered Dr. Bradley showing me all kinds of antique objects he’d found in the basement of his new house. One of them had been for getting the dust out of carpets. That’s why the object had looked so familiar.

  “Why would Ilda hide this?” I said. Then I realized what a silly question that was. Ilda was insane. There didn’t need to be a reason. Unless…

  I glanced over at the carpet in the middle of the room, then at the rocking chair. I grabbed the spray bottle out of my bag and sniffed the contents again. This time I could place the smell: furniture polish. Of course!

  I hurried over to the carpet and aimed the metal stick at it. Thwack!

  “What are you doing?” Princess Nartha cried. “Leave my father alone!” She tried to wrestle the handle away from me as the old servant rushed over to help her.

  “Jenny-girl, are you crazy?” Anthony yelled.

  “Trust me.” Thwack. Thwack. Thwack. “I know what I’m doing.”

 
; Princess Nartha screamed and managed to yank the carpet beater out of my hand. Then she fell to her knees as if she wanted to give the carpet a hug. “Father, I’m so sorry!”

  Not surprisingly, Aletha’s eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted from all the commotion. Luckily, Sir Knight was there to catch her in his newly cushy arms.

  The servant looked ready to throw me in the dungeon while my friends stared at me with their mouths gaping open. Before anyone could act, Princess Nartha screamed again.

  “What’s happening?” she said as the rug began to move on its own. It was morphing from flat and square to round and thick and person-like.

  Finally, the rug finished transforming. In its place stood a stooped older man with a crooked crown on his head.

  “Father?” Princess Nartha whispered.

  The man was clearly confused, but his face lit up when he saw his daughter. “Nartha, dear,” he said. “I’m feeling a bit peckish. Do you know if dinner is ready?”

  “How…how did you do this?” Nartha asked me.

  “You think that’s impressive? Watch this!” I grabbed the spray bottle and spritzed the rocking chair. Almost instantly, it started to stretch and change. A few seconds later, the queen was in its place.

  “Goodness,” the queen said. “I have such a crick in my neck. And who are all these people?”

  Princess Nartha laughed and threw her arms around both her parents, while the servant sank to his knees with tears in his eyes. Meanwhile, Sir Knight cradled the unconscious Aletha in his arms. No doubt she’d wake up, see her parents, and faint all over again. But eventually, she’d be able to share in the happiness too.

  I watched the scene feeling both glad and oddly hopeful. For the first time in my life, I was sure my own parents were within my reach. They were alive. I was almost certain of it, and I was going to find them.

  “I know what we need,” Melissa announced, rifling around in her pocket. She pulled out a fortune, cleared her throat, and read: “‘The first step to better times is to imagine them.’”