Waste of Space
Page 27
Then Jamarkus looks at the ship.]
Jamarkus: Oh my God.
[Atthe center of the soundstage is a colossal blocky structure completely shrouded in black fabric, all sitting atop a mechanical apparatus similar to a large-scale motion simulator ride. The far wall behind it is glowing brightly, but from Jamarkus’s vantage point, the source of the light is blocked by the ship.]
Jamarkus: Chazz, something’s back there—I can’t see what it is—
[There is a creaking noise. The camera pans back to the busted-in door. Dr. Emmy has snuck inside and flattened herself against the wall, taking in everything with an overwhelmed stare.]
Jamarkus: Who are you?
Chazz: [on radio] Who is she?
Jamarkus: Chazz, what do I do?
Chazz: [on radio] I have no idea who that is. Tell her you’ve got everything under control and to stay where she is.
Jamarkus: We’ve got everything under control, ma’am. Stay where you are or . . . or I’ll shoot!
Chazz: [on radio] Don’t say you’re going to—forget it. Keep going!
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:07 a.m.
[When the cast hears the Shwump, they panic—then rejoice at the sound of the battering ram.]
Nico: Did you hear that?
Bacardi: They’re coming! Chazz is coming!
Louise: [fretting about the FTL drive] No no no! It’s only at sixty percent!
Clayton: Oof, tough break. Lord Balway Galway is going to be so disappointed in you.
[Louise scowls]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Time: 12:07 a.m.
Chazz: [on radio] Jamarkus, there should be an entrance to the ship somewhere.
Jamarkus: Okay, but—there’s something going on here, Chazz. One of the scientists is all suited up for something—my ears are popping—there’s that freaky glow—
Chazz: [on radio] Proceed as planned. Get one of the nerds to open the outer airlock door, then go inside and wait for further instructions.
Jamarkus: But—
Chazz: [on radio] Do it!
Jamarkus: [to the closest NASAW scientist] Open the airlock.
NASAW: But—
Jamarkus: Do it!
[The scientist hurries to a computer and taps a few keys. The outer airlock door slides open, and Jamarkus leads the SWAT team into position.]
Jamarkus: Ready, Chazz.
Chazz: [on radio] Excellent. Keep the camera trained on the inner airlock door. Going live in three, two . . .
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
Source: DV8 Breaking News: Waste of Space Edition, brought to you by Soupernova Soups
Time: 12:08 a.m.
[Chazz is now standing outdoors with his back to Soundstage G-96’s wall. As the wall has no identifying features, once again, he could be anywhere.]
Chazz: Welcome back, America! It literally could not get any more electrifying than this. Jamarkus and SWAT team, what is your status?
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
[IMAGE: Jamarkus is inside the airlock, his helmet camera pointed at the door]
Jamarkus: We have successfully docked with the Laika and breached the outer airlock door. We are now in position, ready to breach the inner airlock door upon your signal.
Chazz: [voiceover] All right, team. It’s go time.
Jamarkus: [pounding on airlock door] Attention, Spacetronauts! Prepare to be boarded!
DV8 Producer: [on radio] Wait! We have a situation here!
Chazz: [voiceover] Uh, hold up, Jamarkus. Hold up, America. [CUT TO: Stock footage of the Laika floating in space]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:08 a.m.
[Jamarkus has just banged on the airlock door. Jubilant at the sound of his voice, Nico, Bacardi, and Snout move toward the door, but Louise grabs her backpack, darts out in front of them, and blocks their path.]
Louise: Okay, new plan.
[She reaches into her backpack and pulls out Clayton’s gun. Everyone flinches and screams, their voices rising and bouncing off the tight walls.]
Clayton: Fuck.
Louise: Everyone be quiet. And listen. [with increasingly berserk eyes] Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re all going to stay perfectly still. You will make no attempt to contact those on the outside. You will make no attempt to facilitate this rescue operation. We are going to stay here until the FTL drive finishes charging so we can blast off to Lord Balway Galway so he can take you all prisoner.
Clayton: Then we’re gonna be here for a long-ass time—
Louise: Shut up! [She aims the gun at him.]
Nico: Louise. Put the gun down.
Bacardi: [snorts] She probably doesn’t know how to use it.
Louise: [with a laugh] I grew up in rural Idaho. [She cocks the gun and aims it at Bacardi.] I sure as heck know how to use it.
Bacardi: But the SWAT team’s already here, Louise. They’re right outside that door! They’re going to rescue us. We’re going to get off the ship.
Louise: Not if you’re dead.
Snout: What? That don’t make no sense!
Louise: Sure, it does. If you try to escape, I’ll shoot.
Snout: But why? You can’t give us to Lord Balway Galway if we’re dead!
Louise: Actually, I can. All he cares about is conquest. As long as no assets fall into the hands of his enemies, it doesn’t matter to him whether his trophies are dead or alive. So either way, I come out on top.
[The others let that sink in. Then they all begin yelling at once.]
Clayton: You can’t just shoot us!
Nico: Please don’t do this, Louise.
Snout: All we wanna do is go home!
Bacardi: And not die!
[Louise calmly sits on the puffy Püffi chair, keeping the gun trained on the others.]
Louise: Then you better not leave this ship.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Remote DV8 film crew
Time: 12:09 a.m.
Chazz: [whispering to offscreen producer] What’s wrong?
DV8 Producer: [offscreen] Louise pulled Clayton’s gun.
Chazz: What?
DV8 Producer: She’s saying that if anyone comes in, she’ll start shooting. The SWAT team needs to stand down.
Chazz: No way! They’re already in the airlock!
DV8 Producer: But they’re not a real SWAT team! They don’t have real ammo!
Chazz: Maybe they’ll scare her into surrendering—
DV8 Producer: No, Chazz. This is getting out of control. You need to stop this.
Chazz: Yeah. I suppose I could stop it.
[pause]
Chazz: Or I could film it.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
Time: 12:09 a.m.
[Titania is seeking an exit strategy, looking like a caged animal as her frantic eyes dart around the room. She puts her hands into the satellite phone’s hidden compartment, digging into the crevice, pawing desperately.]
Titania: Keep moving. Keep exploring.
* * *
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:10 a.m.
[Louise is perched on the puffy Püffi chair, aiming the gun at Bacardi, Nico, and Snout. Clayton is doubled over in pain. All four of them watch her, wary, while she recites the Gavinjian Pledge of Allegiance.]
Louise: . . . to the interstellar banner of the United Galactic Federation of Gavinjia . . .
Nico: [whispering to the others] Why isn’t the SWAT team com
ing in? They’re not going to let her shoot us, are they?
Bacardi: They will if it’s good television.
Snout: Cripes.
Bacardi: [inhales sharply] Look.
[She nods her head toward the hallway. The Gila monster is waddling into the room, looking peeved.]
Snout: [studying the Gila monster] I have an idea. You two step aside.
Bacardi: I hate to break this to you, Snout, but gun beats Gila monster. Every time.
Snout: All due respect, ma’am, but I’ve been wrestling hogs since before I could walk. I know what I’m doing.
Nico: But if it’s venomous—
Snout: I’m not gonna hurt her.
Bacardi: Who? Louise or the lizard?
Snout: Both. Neither.
Louise: . . . and to the republic—that word doesn’t mean the same thing to the Gavinjians as it does to us, but there isn’t an equivalent, so I’m using it here for simplicity—for which the tentacled vegetation stands—
[Snout dives at the floor, scoops up the Gila monster in his arms, and charges at Louise. Perplexed, the Gila monster opens its mouth wide in a furious hiss. Snout plunges its teeth into the puffy Püffi chair, which starts to deflate with staggering speed. Louise, caught in the folds of the collapsing fur and fabric, flails about, distracted. Bacardi leaps forward, wrestles the gun out of Louise’s hand, and points it at her head.]
Bacardi: Stand up!
[Louise stands up. She is red-faced, furious, snarling.]
Louise: You’re really going to regret that.
Bacardi: I regret that the puffy chair is ruined. I do not regret disarming you, and I guarantee I never will.
[Louise stands there, huffing and growing ever angrier until, quietly, she begins to cry. For a moment, there is no sound but that of her sniffling. When she speaks, it is barely picked up by the microphones.]
Louise: All I wanted was a different life.
[Bacardi lowers the gun slightly.]
Bacardi: Honey, that’s all any of us wanted.
* * *
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[Finding nothing inside the satellite phone compartment, Titania withdraws her hands—then, compelled by an idea, feels around again. Using the edge she’d exposed by removing the soundproof panel, she pries another panel out of place.
And another.]
* * *
Source: Camera #4—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[Bacardi crosses to the airlock door and knocks on it.]
Bacardi: All clear, Jamarkus! Come on in! [to Nico] Go get Titania.
* * *
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[Nico appears in the doorway of the Confessional Closet with a giant smile.
It fades when he sees what’s inside: a pile of wooden soundproofing tiles on the floor, and a cavernous hole in the wall]
Nico: Titania?
[Warily he removes his GoPro from his pocket, turns it on, and aims the lens at the hole.]
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Nico’s camera
Battery charge: 5%
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[Shaky footage as Nico’s leg enters the frame, kicking into the empty void.]
Nico: Guys! There’s a passage!
[more shaky footage as he stoops to fit inside the cavity, holding the camera as upright as he can—then, darkness as he creeps inside.]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #4—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[Offscreen, Nico yells, “There’s a passage!” Eyes flock to the hallway. Taking swift advantage of the diversion, Louise grabs the gun back from Bacardi.]
Bacardi: Shit.
Louise: [fully unglued now] Did he say passage?
[She storms out of the lounge, gun steadily aimed forward.]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
Source: DV8 Breaking News: Waste of Space Edition, brought to you by Soupernova Soups
Time: 12:12 a.m.
Chazz: Welcome back, America! We now go live to Jamarkus and the Space SWAT Team, about to enter the Laika!
Source: Jamarkus’s Helmet Cam
[The airlock door opens. Snout and Bacardi are just inside, terrified.]
Jamarkus: Get into the airlock!
[They do as he says. Jamarkus pushes past them into the Lünar Lounge and sees Clayton banging on the glass.]
Clayton: I’m trapped! Get me out of here!
Jamarkus: Chazz?
Chazz: [voiceover] Do it!
[Clayton ducks out of the way as Jamarkus fires a few shots into the glass, which shatters.]
Jamarkus: [helping Clayton out of the hot tub] Where are the rest?
Clayton: I don’t know. A passage or something. [pointing at the floor] Watch out for the Gila monster.
Jamarkus: [hopping over it] What the—!
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Nico’s camera
Battery charge: 4%
Time: 12:11 a.m.
[IMAGE: Total darkness. Nico is attempting to narrate what’s happening, but his speech is halting and breathless, and he is periodically interrupted by the swishing noise of drapery.]
Nico: I think I’m—I’m between the exterior wall of the ship and some kind of heavy fabric—I can’t see anything—
[There is a muffled commotion behind Nico; Louise has entered the cloth-cloaked passage and is hot on his heels. But Nico doesn’t seem to pay her much attention, focused as he is on moving forward.]
Nico: [in a whisper] Titania? Are you in here?
* * *
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
Source: DV8 Breaking News: Waste of Space Edition, brought to you by Soupernova Soups
Time: 12:12 a.m.
[Shaky footage as Jamarkus makes his way through the Lünar Lounge, down the hall, and into the Confessional Closet. The camera pauses on the pile of panels on the floor, then pans up to the dark hole of the passage.]
[There is half a second of silence as everyone realizes what he’s looking at: an escape tunnel.]
Chazz: [on radio, to DV8 producer] Cut away. Cut away!
[CUT TO: Stock footage of the Laika floating in space]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Jamarkus: What do I do?
Chazz: [on radio] Follow them!
[The screen goes dark as Jamarkus enters the hole; rustling noises are heard as he progresses through the passage.]
[Shots are fired up ahead of him.]
Chazz: [on radio] Were those gunshots?
Jamarkus: I think so—
[There is another BOOM
and a SSSHHHWWUUUUMMMP
and a FLLLLRRRRRRRRRRX
and a WWWWHHHHHHSSSSSSK]
[All cameras stop recording.]
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Time: 12:13 a.m.
[When the camera turns back on, the image is still one of darkness; Jamarkus is still in the tunnel.]
Chazz: [on radio] Show me what’s happening! Turn on your night vision!
[The darkness gives way to a night-vision image. Up ahead is Louise, cast in a neon green light. She looks back at Jamarkus, her eyes hot white spots.]
Jamarkus: [yelling at Louise] Give me the gun!
Louise: [raising her empty hands] I dropped it!
Jamarkus: Then get back into the ship!
[Louise obeys, scrambling past him out of the shot. He keeps moving forward, picking up her dropped gun on the way. He finds Nico half hanging out of a gap in the fabric tunnel, light streaming in through the aperture. Jamarkus
grabs Nico’s leg and drags him inside. Before the cloth slides back into place and the light fades away, Nico can be seen going limp, clutching his camera to his chest.]
Chazz: [on radio] Jamarkus—status?
Jamarkus: Nico is secure.
Chazz: [on radio] What about the cameras?
DV8 Producer: [on radio] Coming back online now.
Chazz: [on radio] Back to Camera #3!
* * *
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
Source: DV8 Breaking News: Waste of Space Edition, brought to you by Soupernova Soups
Time: 12:13 a.m.
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
[Jamarkus walks in from the hallway with Nico thrown over his shoulder. He takes him through the Lünar Lounge and toward the airlock, where Snout, Bacardi, Clayton, and Louise are waiting]
Jamarkus: Chazz, what are your orders?
Chazz: [voiceover] Get them out of there!
Jamarkus: What about Titania?
[Jamarkus looks at Nico. His face is pale, his expression blank.]
Jamarkus: Chazz?
[pause]
Chazz: [voiceover] Leave her.
Jamarkus: Roger that. Departing Laika now. Over and out.
[He pulls Nico into the airlock. The inner door closes]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #1—Airlock
Time: 12:14 a.m.
[The five remaining Spacetronauts, plus Jamarkus, are now sealed alone in the airlock. They look at Nico.]