Waste of Space
Page 28
Snout: What happened to Titania?
[Nico ignores him; he’s looking down at his GoPro]
Nico: [quietly] One percent left.
Bacardi: Louise? What happened?
Louise: [bitterly, without looking at any of them] I shot the gun in her direction, through the opening in the curtain. But I didn’t see what was out there.
Snout: Nico, what about you? Did you record anything?
[Nico looks up at them. He opens his mouth to tell them, hesitates, and lies instead.]
Nico: No. [He lowers the camera.] Battery died.
[The outer airlock door opens.]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Time: 12:14 a.m.
[The six Spacetronauts walk out into the soundstage. Members of the SWAT team are waiting for them, looking bewildered.]
Jamarkus: What happened? Where are the scientists?
SWAT Team Member #3: When that shwumpy noise happened—it was really loud and scary, so we sort of lost our grips on them and they sort of . . . got away.
Jamarkus: Got away? Where is there to go?
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Dashboard camera, in Dr. Emmy’s car
Time: 12:14 a.m.
[IMAGE: An idling helicopter, sitting outside the soundstage. A figure clad in a white lab coat and clutching a laptop dives into the cabin, helped inside by more lab-coated figures who had previously boarded. Once all of them are secure, the helicopter departs.]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Time: 12:15 a.m.
[Jamarkus continues to sweep his camera around the soundstage. The woman who entered is still cowering against the wall. The SWAT team is looking at the area that had previously been glowing but no longer is. Nico joins them. All of NASAW’s laptops are gone. Suddenly a high-pitched squeal echoes off the barren steel of the soundstage.]
Snout: Colonel Bacon!
[The pig trots over to Snout, who sweeps him into a fierce embrace. Louise folds her arms and stares at the floor. Nico turns his GoPro back on and watches the footage he just shot, while Bacardi picks up a pencil from one of the desks.]
Bacardi: [reading the pencil’s inscription] Property of NASAW, the—
[She stops short. Clayton, shivering and sweating, takes a step forward to look, but doubles over in pain.]
Clayton: The what?
[Bacardi swallows.]
Bacardi: The National Association for the Search for Atmospheric Wormholes.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Nico’s camera
Battery charge: 1%
Time: 12:12 a.m.
[Out of the darkness, a faint glow of light. Nico crawls toward the end of the tunnel and maneuvers his camera through the panel opening.
For one frame—
For one-thirtieth of a second—
There are five scientists standing in a large, open soundstage.
All of them are looking at the soundstage wall.
At the massive, impossible thing set into the soundstage wall.
At the circle of light, glowing brilliantly, blindingly, brighter than the sun.
And the girl walking into it.]
[Video cuts to static.]
Item: Online article
Source: ViralLoad
Date: February 19, 2016
I am literally speechless.
I’ve been staring at my computer screen for hours, trying to process what happened.
Because what happened was complete . . . and utter . . . GREATNESS.
Part of me thinks we’ve been wrong about Chazz Young this entire time. We’ve always thought of him as shallow and Hollywood and unpredictable and ridiculous, but with occasional bursts of genius. Now, though, I think he’s ALL genius.
I mean, that ending! How many run-of-the-mill reality shows can you think of that ended with a Gila monster, a SWAT team raid, and a missing person? And who among us MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF VIEWERS would have thought, as we were glued to it LIVE, that everyone would survive and land safely back on Earth?
Certainly not me.
But that’s what happened.
Chazz Young
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: The Perky Paisley Show
Date: February 22, 2016
Perky: America, I’m not going to waste any time this evening—we want to get straight to our guests. Everyone please give a warm, back-to-Earth welcome to Chazz Young, Clayton Young, Aliya “Bacardi” Kolesnikova, Jamarkus Curbeam, Louise Evans, James “Snout” Whitson, and of course, Colonel Bacon!
[The cast members emerge from behind a curtain. All dressed up, they wave to the audience and make their way toward the six director’s chairs that have replaced the lip couch. They each take their seats. Colonel Bacon, wearing a bow tie, plops down in front of Perky’s desk. The audience laughs.]
Perky: I think I speak for all of America when I say that Waste of Space was, by far, one of the most pioneering, innovative, and groundbreaking events in television history. Do we all agree?
[The audience goes wild.]
Chazz: Thank you, Perky. I’m quite proud of it myself.
Perky: How did you pull it off, Chazz?
Chazz: Well, I can’t take all the credit. At least a small percentage must go to our intrepit explorers.
Perky: Of course, our beloved Spacetronauts! We are overjoyed to see you all back on Earth, safe and sound. Guys, what were you thinking during that last insane day?
[Through their enormous smiles, each cast member glances warily at Chazz before speaking. Chazz’s smile doesn’t falter for a second.]
Snout: I was scared out of my muffin! But I had a feeling good old Chazz would come and rescue us.
Bacardi: Never doubted it for a second.
Perky: Of course! None of us did! And Louise—you sure had us worried there for a minute, waving around that phony gun!
Louise: [giggles] I know. Sorry. I—[looks at Chazz] it turns out I was coming down with a bad case of the space pox, just like Matt and Kaoru. But my symptoms manifested as a type of space-induced psychosis, which explains why I was so out of my head.
Perky: Explains it perfectly! Clayton, I understand you were felled by the pox too—a far more severe case, in fact. That was so amazing, what you did—quarantining yourself in the hot-tub room to keep the others from getting infected! What sacrifice! You’re a hero!
Clayton: Thanks, Perky. I just did what I had to do.
Perky: What were you thinking when you made that impossible choice?
Clayton: I guess I decided that I didn’t want to die hundreds of miles above my home planet for nothing. That I owed it to my fellow Spacetronauts to get them back to Earth alive, even if I didn’t make it out myself.
[huge round of applause]
Perky: Amazing. You’re all so amazing. And how’s Colonel Bacon doing?
Snout: Real good, Perky, thanks for asking! Poor thing somehow burrowed into the innards of the spaceship, found the sewage container, and was happily eating the Meteor Chowder that Clayton flushed down the toilet!
[The audience lets out a collective “awww.”]
Snout: Look at him! He’s tickled pink to be back!
[The audience chants, “Brought Home the Bacon, Brought Home the Bacon!”]
Perky: Well, I don’t want to keep you heroes too long—I understand you’re all heading back home to your families tomorrow for some much-needed rest and recuperation. But before you go, I’d like to know: What does the future hold for each of you? Clayton?
Clayton: I’m glad you asked, Perk. The super-generous people at DV8 have offered me my own reality dating show. We start filming in a few weeks, and I couldn’t b
e more pumped. Be on the lookout for the premiere of Matin’ with Clayton, coming this fall, only to DV8!
[applause]
Perky: Wouldn’t miss it! Snout, what about you?
Snout: Oh, me and Colonel Bacon are going straight home to our farm—which will stay in our family’s possession for generations to come, thanks to a super-generous donation from DV8!
[applause]
Perky: Yee-haw! And you, Bacardi?
Bacardi: I could tell you, Perky, but then I’d have to kill you.
[laughter]
Perky: Aw, come on! How about a hint?
Bacardi: Let’s just say that the super-generous folks at DV8 may or may not have managed to pull a few strings, and that I may or may not have snagged a cybersecurity internship with a certain governmental agency.
[Audience ooohs.]
Perky: That sounds so cool, whatever it is.
Bacardi: Only my dream job. Hope they let me wear my space bra!
[She yanks her shirt up to display her bra to the crowd, which goes wild.]
Perky: And Jamarkus, I understand your next steps are also academic in nature?
Jamarkus: That’s right, Perky. I’ll be attending MIT next fall with a full scholarship, thanks to the super-generous folks at DV8.
Perky: Fantastic. And last but never least—Louise? What’s next for you?
Louise: [practically bursting] I’VE BEEN GIVEN A ROLE IN THE NEXT COSMIC CRUSADES MOVIE!
Perky: Unbelievable! Sounds like we’ve got happy endings all around, huh Chazz?
Chazz: That’s exactly right. [He makes brief eye contact with each of the Spacetronauts.] And we hope it’ll stay that way.
[They smile harder.]
Perky: Now, unfortunately, we’re missing a few familiar faces here. Can you give us some updates on those who weren’t able to be with us this evening? How are Matt and Kaoru?
Chazz: I’m pleased to report that both Matt and Kaoru have made full recoveries from their brushes with illness. Kaoru has already returned home to Japan, and Matt—well, Matt, if you’ll recall, was always a bit high-strung—
Perky: He sure was!
Chazz: So we all decided—the DV8 staff and Matt—that it might be best for him to head to an all-expenses-paid stay at the world-famous Esalen coastal retreat in Big Sur, California. Hot springs, massages, yoga, burritos—everything the dear boy will need to make a full recovery.
Perky: Aw, that’s so sweet of you!
Chazz: It is.
Perky: And where’s Nico?
Chazz: Nico has returned home to New York.
Perky: And? No scholarships for him? No extraordinary new opportunities?
Chazz: [shifting in his seat] This is somewhat awkward to talk about, Perky, but as I’m sure many of you have heard, it turns out that Nico actually forged his guardian’s signature on the release form, making his appearance on Waste of Space all kinds of illegal.
Perky: What?!
Chazz: Yeah, he’s practically a felon. We did our due diligence, of course, but there’s only so much you can do to prevent fame-hungry exhibitionists from crashing the party. If people have it in their heads that they’re going to lie, cheat, and bully their way onto reality shows, they’re going to find a way to do it.
Perky: Wow.
Chazz: So Nico, for all intents and purposes, is no longer considered a cast member of Waste of Space. We’d strike him from the record if we could, but that’s impossible to do when you’ve got such a monster hit on your hands!
[wild applause]
Perky: Great! So Nico’s dead to us. And lastly, the million-dollar question: Where is Titania?
[Chazz theatrically pulls at his collar.]
Chazz: In order to explain what happened to Titania, I’m afraid I’m going to have to pull back the curtain a bit, take you behind the scenes and into the secrets of the production of Waste of Space. Spoiler alert!
[The audience laughs.]
Chazz: We’d originally planned, a few more weeks down the road, to reveal that there was in fact an escape pod onboard the Laika, and that the first Spacetronaut to find it would be able to race home to claim a huge prize. But since the show got cut short, we never got a chance to offer the opportunity to our Spacetronauts. Titania, however—enterprising young lady that she is—sniffed it out on her own and successfully left the Laika only minutes before Jamarkus and the Space SWAT Team arrived!
Perky: Oh my God. So where is she now?
Chazz: I’m afraid that’s another sad story, Perky. Turns out that Titania also forged her parents’ signatures, but for a very different reason. She was a runaway. Her family didn’t know she was going to be on the show. Titania wasn’t even her real name.
Perky: You’re kidding.
Chazz: Nope. In fact, DV8 enlisted the help of Hibiscus and the good folks at Fakefinders to find her, and I’m proud to report that . . . they did!
[The audience gasps.]
Chazz: However, out of respect for her privacy, we’ve decided not to release any statements regarding her current whereabouts. She does not want to be found by her family or anyone else, and we plan to honor that.
Perky: That is extraordinarily noble of you, Chazz. [looking into the camera] Titania, wherever you are, we wish you the best of luck.
[polite applause]
Perky: I think that about wraps it up! Thank you so much, all of you, for talking with us, for your bravery in times of interstellar strife, and for your service to this country. And Chazz, thank you for bringing this exquisite, unforgettable show to life. How can I ever repay you?
Chazz: I can think of a few ways.
Perky: Until next time, folks—say it with me, everyone—Catchphrase Forever!
* * *
Item: Fire Incident Report
Source: http://inciweb.nwcg.gov/
Date: March 3, 2016
Incident Type: Wildfire
Cause: Lightning
Date of Origin: February 20, 2016
Time of Origin: 12:20 a.m
Time of Report: 1:56 a.m.
Location: 90 miles southwest of Socorro, NM
Incident Description: Remnants of large abandoned building. Possible warehouse. Fire 95 percent extinguished at time of discovery. Remains of some electrical equipment, a bit of charred Styrofoam, and a battering ram. Some tire tracks and footprints around perimeter, but no human remains found.
* * *
Item: Transcript of audio recording
Source: Dr. Carla Emmy interview
Date: March 6, 2016
Dr. Emmy: Hello?
Intern: Hi, is this Dr. ████████?
Dr. Emmy: It is.
Intern: Great, it’s nice to put a face to the email. And don’t worry, I’ll be changing your name for the official report. Do you mind if I record this phone call, solely for the purposes of transcription?
Dr. Emmy: Go right ahead.
Intern: Thank you. So I’d like to jump right in, if I could?
Dr. Emmy: Certainly.
Intern: I’m going to skip over the details of your interactions with Matt and Kaoru—those meetings seem fairly straightforward. Although I did wonder—why would you record those in the first place?
Dr. Emmy: Old habits, I’m afraid. I’ve always tended to get carried away during brainstorming and research sessions, so I long ago got in the habit of recording conversations with my colleagues so that I can go back and listen to them later, to catch anything I may have missed or forgotten.
Intern: Got it. So what I mostly want to talk about is what you saw in the soundstage that night. As far as I can tell, you are the only independent witness to the events that occurred inside that building. Everyone else was either an employee of DV8—none of whom will talk to me—or a member of NASAW—who have all disappeared. So you can imagine how significant your account is.
Dr. Emmy: On condition of anonymity, of course.
Intern: Yes, of course. I first have a few follow-up questi
ons about the timeline you emailed me. Thank you for outlining the events so precisely, by the way.
Dr. Emmy: Again, old habits die hard. As soon as I was able, I wrote down the events in the order in which they occurred, in bullet-point format.
Intern: Yes. Very scientific.
* * *
Item: Email
To: ████████████████████
From: ████████████████████
Date: March 4, 2016
I parked on the eastern side of the building, about two hundred feet away.
After instructing Matt and Kaoru to stay in the car, I approached the building and began to circle it. As I got closer, I could hear a strange hum, followed by a loud, booming noise.
Along the north-facing wall was a man with brightly colored hair and a small crew filming him, so I chose to walk around to the south.
As I rounded the southwest corner, I observed that the west-facing wall had bowed inward, as if sucked in by a suction cup.
I entered through the only door, in the northwest corner. It had been broken in by a battering ram, which lay on the floor. Inside was an enormous structure covered by a black curtain, and several desks and laptops against the walls of the building. SWAT team members were restraining several people wearing lab coats.
A young man in a SWAT team uniform briefly questioned me, then instructed me to stay out of the way. As he was carrying a rather large rifle, I was inclined to obey. I stayed put against the northern wall and witnessed the rest of the events from there. The young man then entered the structure.
A large, glowing circle was growing rapidly across the surface of the western wall of the building. Because of my acute angle, I could not see what, if anything, was inside it.