His Alone

by Alexa Riley

  I shake off that thought, because it derails me. I need to stay focused, something I haven’t been doing, and I don’t have much time.

  “No, tonight is a solo operation. Next time, I swear,” I add when I see her face drop into a pout. “I need you to stay here, and if Captain comes knocking, tell him I called you to come down and stay with me. Tell him I’m asleep in the bedroom and I can’t come to the door.”

  “What if he wants to talk to you?” she asks, already accepting without question what I’m doing. God, I love this woman.

  “Make up an excuse. Say I’m taking a shit in the bathroom, I don’t care. Just convince him that I’m fine, but that he doesn’t need to check on me.” I grab my backpack next to the door and shoulder it on. “I don’t think he’ll come up, but in case, I need you.”

  She puts her hand on my arm and gives it a squeeze. “Yeah, absolutely, Paige. I got your back.”

  It feels good knowing that she’ll always be there for me, even if we aren’t together like we used to be. I want to tell her all of this, but I don’t know if I can. Something about this feels like it’s only mine, and getting her involved beyond this will just complicate things more. I don’t want to drag her into this. It would only drag Miles in, too. This is my mess, something I had to make amends for, not them.

  “Thanks, Mal.” I lean in and give her a hug, holding her tight before turning to leave. When I put my hand on the doorknob, she stops me.

  “Will you tell me what this all about someday?”

  I look over my shoulder and smile at her. I don’t answer, I only shrug and walk out the door. I wait a beat, making sure I hear her lock the door behind me. When I know she’s good to go, I’m on the move. I love Mallory, but there are some things I don’t know how to share.

  *

  I USE THE service elevator in our building, in case Captain happens to be watching the cameras. I’m not sure where all of them are in this building, but I have a good idea. I dressed in all black and boots, trying to blend in. I avoid the cameras as much as possible, sidestepping down the hall where I know the blind spots are. I know this building is a fortress, but every palace has its weaknesses. I slip out through the basement garage and then haul ass up to Osborne Corp.

  I don’t know how much time I have, and I’m basing it on the assumption Captain will show up on my doorstep around bedtime to check on me. If I know him like I think I do, I need to be back home and in my bed before that happens, because he won’t take no for an answer. Mallory is merely being used to slow him down. I’ve probably got an hour before he’s kicking in the door. Tops. The thought makes my stomach flutter. He’s probably so concerned and worried about me, and I’m here doing this behind his back. Worse, I’m using him.

  Mallory had told me Miles had a late meeting, so she would be good until midnight. I was hoping Captain would be on his detail and I wouldn’t have to lie, but he wasn’t. McCoy was. But I have a feeling Miles will somehow get out of his meeting earlier, to get home to Mal as soon as possible. Either way, the pressure is on to do this fast. Our guys are crazy, so I’m not leaving anything to chance.

  When I get to the building, I use the side entrance by the garden that Miles made for Mallory. There’s an emergency exit there, and it’s an access point. Only three people have clearance to use this door as a way to enter the building: Miles, Mallory and Ryan. I take the badge from my back pocket and scan it, watching as the light turns green.

  I didn’t want to steal Captain’s badge, but it seemed the only way. I don’t want to be caught on camera getting into the building, and if the scans are done on all the entrances, it will show that Captain’s badge was used. It may ruffle some feathers, but no harm, no foul, right? As the head of Security here, he comes and goes at all hours. I don’t think anyone will even notice or question that he’d come late in the evening.

  When he grabbed my arm earlier today, I broke free and made a show of being irritated that he was trying to grab me. It was the only way I could think of to distract him so he wouldn’t see I lifted the pass from him. I’ll leave it in his desk tonight, so he’ll think he left it at work. He’s going to be pissed, but as long as he doesn’t find out it was me, I’m covered. Maybe he won’t hate me then. I don’t like lying to him, but it’s better for both of us. It doesn’t put him in the middle of anything if he doesn’t know any better. Everything can fall on me.

  Making my way up the stairs to our floor, I avoid the cameras in the stairwell. I know there’s no way to do so in the elevator, so this is my best bet. When I get to our floor, I secure the entrance behind me and go over to Jordan’s desk. I sit down and click a few keys, bringing his computer to life. I unzip my backpack and take out my laptop and some cords, linking the two computers together. I enter all three of Jordan’s passwords, remembering exactly what they were from the day he showed me. Once I’m in, I open up the software to copy everything I’m seeing to my laptop. If someone digs, the searches will come up on Jordan’s computer and it won’t lead back to me. I’ll wipe all the information after I’m done and I get what I want, but it will show that his was the one accessed tonight and not mine. Sorry, buddy, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

  Once I’m all set up, I pull everything I can find about my father. Miles has a folder of information about him. I mainly need locations, phone numbers, emails, and things that will lead me to him. Or lead me to a weakness he might have. He’s gone off the grid since Miles took a lot of his companies out of commission. Those companies that were fronts for a lot of his dirty dealing, and he’s hiding, letting the dust settle. There are files here that can be accessed only by encryption software, and I use that to go in and pull up Miles’s files, as well. They could be love notes to Mallory for all I know, but I’ve seen Captain looking at them, and I want to have them copied onto my personal drive, too. I can look through them thoroughly when I get back home, but tonight is about gathering as much information as I can. I have a feeling that after my little break-in, I won’t get this opportunity again. Captain will watch his badge more closely, and Jordan may suspect someone was on his machine. Worse, I may get caught and never be allowed in the building again, and I need as much as I can get on my laptop.

  It takes me only a few minutes to scan through and add the files I want. It takes another few seconds to mirror all the data from Jordan’s computer onto mine and close down the programs. Once I’ve got what I need, I wipe Jordan’s computer of everything I’ve done and load my laptop back into my bag. I put it on my shoulder as my pulse races, but I’ve got what I need. I’ll finally be able to end this. Put it behind me. Maybe have a future with Captain if he’ll still have me. God. Captain. Just thinking about losing him makes my whole body ache.

  I push Jordan’s chair back exactly how I found it and check his desk one last time to be sure there’s nothing out of place. I smile, thinking that it’s all going to plan, and turn to leave.

  And as I do, I run into a brick wall. My Captain.

  “Hey, kitten,” he says, looking down at me. “Have something of mine?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Paige

  * * *

  CAPTAIN STARES DOWN at me, his face nothing but hard lines. An unreadable mask. There’s no emotion to it, and he’s giving nothing away. He’s still in the same suit he wore to work today. His green eyes look darker than ever. I grab the strap of my backpack tighter and stare back, unsure what to say to him. I don’t want to try to explain this. I knew we weren’t forever and that’s why I was savoring all the moments I could with him, collecting each of them to replay over and over again in my head when he was long gone from my life. For when he wanted nothing to do with me. He’ll regret ever telling me he loved me, because the person he thought he loved isn’t really me.

  It’s tearing at my heart, because I never thought about the fact that I’d have to relive the breakup along with all the good moments. This is when he finds out who I really am deep down inside, and he walks a
way from me. Seeing him staring down at me, I feel the weight of it hit me in my chest. The reality of losing another person I love.

  Love.

  The word bounces around in my head. Holy fuck. I love him and I lost him.

  “I—” The single word leaves my lips before he cuts me off.

  “Not a word,” he says, his tone completely flat. He’s unreadable, and I don’t know how to react. His big hand engulfs my wrist, and he pulls me along behind him as he turns to leave. I don’t fight, though maybe I should. The urge to flee is strong, because facing the reality of what I’ve done is closing in on me. I’m good at running when I get scared. When I can’t handle what’s happening. The silence in the elevator is deafening. I don’t know if I hate it or welcome it.

  He hasn’t told me it’s over. Yet. So in this moment of limbo, he’s still mine, but I know what’s coming. I want to lean into him. Take his mouth in one last kiss. I remember this morning with the two of us in this very elevator, and it was completely different than it is now. My eyes fall closed as I replay it in my mind, feeling the tears start to build up behind my eyelids. I fight with myself to not let one slip free.

  When the ding sounds, I open my eyes and Captain is pulling me from the elevator and out of the building. He holds my arm as we walk down the street to our building, and I wonder where he’s taking me. To my apartment, to his, or maybe even to Miles’s, to tell him what I’d done? He’s probably going to tell him to fire me, shattering yet another relationship that was starting to build.

  Maybe I should run. I could take the backpack and go. It has the information I need, and it’s what started me on this path almost five years ago. I let myself become distracted and forgot about the one person I owed. I let Captain and the thought of us sidetrack me and help me forget the horrible things I witnessed. He filled my mind with so much sweetness, it took up all the space. The memories of every touch we shared pushed forward and eclipsed the dark.

  “Don’t even think about it. You won’t make it two feet,” Captain growls, cutting through my thoughts.

  Somehow he knows exactly what I was thinking. His anger shows in his words, and it’s the first spark of any emotion I’ve gotten from him since he caught me. When we finally make it to our building, relief hits me when I see him push the button to my floor. The elevator ride is far quicker than I’d like it to be, and he soon pushs me into my apartment.

  I look around, but don’t see Mal. I wonder what happened. He came faster than I thought he would. Part of me had hoped I wouldn’t get caught at all and that I’d still have a few more days with him. That maybe I could get my revenge and be able to keep him from finding out what I’d done. The thought of keeping him and having something of my own makes my chest ache.

  He finally lets go of me when the door shuts behind us. I hear the lock click into place, the sound echoing in the silent room.

  “Don’t ask me for it.” I tighten my hand on the strap of my backpack, unsure of what I’ll do if he demands I give it to him. I’m weak. I don’t know how I’ll react if he asks to me let this go. If he finds out what I was doing and he makes me choose… Because deep down I think I’ll choose him, and what does that say about me? That I wouldn’t do right by my mother? That I could move on with my life while she’s dead and gone?

  I don’t want to have to choose. It’s easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. He reaches out, and I think he’s going to make a grab for it, but he cups my face, and I lean into his palm, closing my eyes, letting his warmth seep into me. Every time he touches me I melt so easily. How he does it, I have no idea, but he does. With one touch I want to curl into him and soak up a lifetime’s worth of affection.

  “I don’t want the backpack, kitten.”

  A sob threatens to break free at the nickname. If he’s still calling me that, it has to mean something. A flare of hope takes hold in my stomach, making me open my eyes to look up at him.

  “You don’t run from me.” He leans down, getting more into my space. “You don’t even fucking think about running from me.”

  Gone is the patience he’d been giving me. White-hot anger burns through him now, but it’s not about what I’d assumed.

  “I stole your badge,” I blurt out, not understanding what’s happening here. We seem to be focusing on two different things.

  “Did you hear me, Paige?” He ignores me, the fierce heat still in his eyes.

  “Did you hear me?” I snap, not sure if I’m mad that he didn’t respond or mad that he called me Paige and not kitten, the nickname I’m supposed to hate.

  “I don’t care about the badge.” His eyes flick to my shoulder. “Or the backpack.” He moves farther into my space, and I take a step back, uncertain of what’s going on. I can feel the anger pulsing off him like a living thing, filling up all the space around us.

  His whole body goes solid at my retreat, and he takes a few calming breaths. I’ve never seen him like this. Like he’s about to lose it. It’s probably because the woman he thinks he loves deceived him.

  Taking me by surprise, he picks me up in his arms and pulls me close to him. He buries his face in my neck and I feel his warm lips on my skin. This big beautiful man is engulfing me in his strength and need, and it’s almost more than I can bear.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you, kitten. I’m sorry.” His words are muffled against me, but I hear them. Unable to help myself, I wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through his short hair. I feel some of the tension leave his body, and the quaking intensity of him lessens.

  “I saw it in your eyes. You thought about running, just taking off, didn’t you?” He leans back and looks at me, and I nod. His hands are at my back and his fingers dig into me like I might disappear right in front of him. “I told you I love you.”

  I have to bite my lip to keep it from trembling. Every time he says that, it’s like a balm on my soul, making me feel not so dirty.

  “You think I don’t know you want to hurt your father? Kitten, I don’t miss one fucking thing about you. I know every breath you take.”

  I shake my head. “It’s not like Miles. I don’t want to ruin him,” I tell Captain, trying to make him understand. It’s worse. I’m worse. I want something darker. It’s the only thing that will stop the guilt, stop the nightmares. But part of that’s wrong. Captain stops my nightmares now.

  I have to make him see, to get this over with. I can’t take the torture of him walking out. I want it done already. “I watched my mother die right in front of me. I stood there and did nothing. Then I ran.” Like I wanted to do again tonight. To run as far away from all of my self-hate. I’m always trying to run from the memories, knowing that it’s impossible.

  “Oh, kitten.”

  I try to push back from him, but he won’t let go of me. His grip on me is unbreakable, and it makes me hope he’ll never let me go, no matter how hard I pull. That he’ll keep holding me.

  “Nothing. I’ve done absolutely nothing to make him pay for what he did to her. I didn’t do anything to help her then, and I need to make that right. I watched it all happen, while I remained frozen. Then when I could move, I ran.”

  “And my girl remembers everything. Bet you even make yourself relive it over and over, don’t you?”

  “Don’t say that,” I snap. “I’m not your girl. Don’t you see it? That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not good for you. I’m not who you think I am. Part of me is spoiled, and it won’t ever be made right. I won’t stop until I make him pay.” Even as I throw the words at Captain, I dig my fingers into his shirt, not wanting to let go. I’m telling him he should be leaving, but I’m clinging to him. My body and heart are at war.

  “Kitten, you can keep trying to push me away, but you’re going to learn real quick I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to lose you, so I’m going to give you the revenge you want.”

  “You don’t mean that. I don’t think you understand that I want to—”

  He cuts me of
f before I can finish. I’m about to finally give voice to what I’ve been dancing around. “I’ll kill anyone who gets in the way of you and me. The way I’m seeing it right now is he’s standing in my fucking way. He’s making you push away from me. That makes him as good as dead.”

  Tears start falling, breaking free of the dam I’d built when he found me in the office.

  “Don’t cry, kitten.” I wrap my arms and legs around him, burying my face in his neck as I let all the tears flow free. “It’s you and me. No matter what. I love you, Paige, and if this is the path you need to take, then I’m going to plow it clear for you.”

  I hold on to him tighter, letting free all the welled-up emotions inside me. I never want to let go, and I never want him to release me. My back hits my bed, and he comes down over me.

  He’s not leaving.

  “I’ll never leave you,” he says, and I realize I said the words out loud. “Is this why you keep me at arm’s length? You think once I got to the core of you, I’d leave?”

  I nod into his neck.

  “Look at me, kitten.”

  I reluctantly pull back, sure my face is a red, blotchy mess. His hand cups my cheek as his thumb wipes at my tears.

  “I’ve been taking things slow with you. I was worried I might spook you with how strongly I feel for you. That shit is done. You’re mine, Paige, and you’re not going anywhere without me. I’ll fight for you, and soon you’ll see how true that is.”

  I don’t get it. Why is he so willing to do this for me? Why does he want to work so hard to be with someone like me? I’m sure he could walk into any bar and find a girl with not even a tenth of the baggage and shit I carry around. Someone who doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder. Maybe I should question him and his motives, but I don’t. I should probably tell him I won’t let him help me, but instead I take all his promises to heart. I should scream at him to pull himself from my mess, but I can’t let him go. When the reality of losing him hit me, the pain was far worse than I’d thought it would be. It’s numbing, and I hate it. I want to believe him and put my trust in his hands. I want him to be my safety net and my shield. The thought of a life without him is impossible to bear, and I won’t waste another second on denying him. Denying myself.