Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  “But isn’t that what the health care fund is for?” she’d asked Samuel when she found out he’d taken out a mortgage on their home. Her husband didn’t feel comfortable extracting additional funds for follow-up care because several of the elderly folks in their district were receiving chemotherapy for cancer. Samuel also refused to allow his brother to continue paying the bills.

  “Anna, aren’t you done yet, mei maedel?” Lillian knocked on the door.

  “Almost.”

  Elizabeth let go of her mother’s hand and reached down into the snow, piling a mound in her hands. “Elizabeth, don’t do that.” Lillian gently eased her up and brushed the snow from her black mittens. “We don’t know what’s underneath all this snow.” She glanced around the yard and focused on a pile of tin lightly covered in white powder. Junk. Everywhere.

  The door swung open, and Anna jumped out, her cheeks a rosy shade of red. “It’s cold and stinky in there. When is Daed going to make us a bathroom?”

  Not soon enough. “It’s the first thing on Daed’s list.” Lillian reached for Anna’s hand, and the three of them made their way back to the house, following the path that had been formed from prior trips to the outhouse today. As they crossed the yard, she looked to her left to see Katie Ann sweeping the porch of their home. The smaller house was about a hundred yards away, and from what Lillian had seen of it the night before, it was in much better shape than this oversized shack they were living in. But Samuel said that Katie Ann and Ivan didn’t need this big house since they didn’t have any children.

  Lillian pulled on the screen door, pushed the door to the den open, and felt the musty smell of lingering water rush up her nostrils. Samuel temporarily repaired the leaky roof earlier that morning, but it was going to take a long time to rid the house of the dingy odor.

  “Where do we hang our capes, Mamm?” Anna stared up at Lillian, batting her inquisitive eyes.

  Lillian sidestepped a pile of boxes to her right. “Somewhere in all this mess, there is a hat rack. We’ll run across it. See if there are any pegs on the wall in the kitchen.” She pointed to her left. “And be careful where you step, Anna. Some of those boards in the kitchen feel loose. Step very carefully, honey, okay?” Lillian shook her head and grumbled. This house must be safe for my children. Her life back in Lancaster County was luxurious compared to this.

  “Here you go, sweetheart. Let me help you.” Lillian untied the strings of Elizabeth’s bonnet, then removed her cape. They both followed Anna into the kitchen.

  “No pegs, Mamm.” Anna held up her small black cape and bonnet.

  Lillian sighed. “Here, give it to me. We’ll just put it here for now.” Lillian draped the items over the back of Samuel’s chair at the head of the table. At least their table, two backless benches, and two arm chairs were in place in the kitchen. She glanced at the box on the kitchen counter, the one with the broken plates inside, and supposed that if those were the only things damaged, she could live with it. The moving company had done an excellent job overall, but loading the buggies into the moving vans had been challenging. And Samuel had been visibly relieved when the horse trailer finally pulled up to their new house with his long-time horse, Pete, and two others inside.

  “What’s that?” Anna pointed to an electrical outlet in the wall.

  “It’s for electricity, like the Englisch use.”

  “Why’s it here?”

  Lillian smiled at her beautiful daughter whose prayer covering was on crooked. So many questions. She leaned down, straightened the kapp, and tucked Anna’s light brown strands beneath the covering. “The people who lived here before weren’t Amish, so they had electricity in the house. We won’t be turning it on, but those outlets are all over the house.” Lillian looked at the light bulb dangling from a cord above the kitchen table. She pointed to it. “See. They had lights.”

  “It stinks in here too, Mamm.” Anna clamped her nostrils closed with her fingers.

  Elizabeth copied her sister. “Ya, Mamm. Schtinkich.”

  Lillian put her hands on her hips and sighed. She could either get upset or just try to go along with things and know that their lives were in God’s hands, and that His will would be done. She leaned down and tickled Anna and Elizabeth, bringing forth loud giggles. “Everything stinks to you two this morning, doesn’t it?” Lillian pulled both her girls into a hug and basked for a moment in the comfort of family, promising herself that there would be no more worrying. She had her husband and children, and they were all healthy and safe. So much to be thankful for.

  “I love you both. It won’t be like this forever.” Lillian eased out of the hug. “Your daed should be home from town soon. He went to buy some plumbing supplies, and David should be back from the grocery store before long also.” She walked into the den, Anna and Elizabeth following, and picked up two boxes of old pictures from her former life, before she’d converted to the Amish faith and married Samuel. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go put these things in the basement.”

  IT WAS THREE hours later when David turned into the driveway of what was supposed to be their new home. He grimaced as he maneuvered the buggy to the left of an old tractor partially covered in snow and blocking part of the driveway. The snow had stopped shortly after he left the Detweilers’ place, and the trip to Monte Vista hadn’t been as bad as he’d feared. It was longer than he cared for, but most of the snow on the roads had been cleared, pushed into mounds on either side. Now the sun shone brightly atop the glistening snow that surrounded their house.

  Why here? He knew land prices were high in Lancaster County, and that farmland was becoming scarce there, but his father had plenty of land for all of them. It didn’t make any sense. He unhooked Buster and led the animal to one of the four rundown barns on the property, his black boots sinking to his ankles in the snow as he walked. Shaking his head, he couldn’t believe that his daed had sold their home in Lancaster County so quickly to make this move, despite David’s many objections. And why did Lillian go along with it? David recalled the look on her face when they pulled onto the property yesterday. He thought she might cry. Then she saw the outhouse, and David knew that it was only a matter of time before Lillian would convince his father to move back to Lancaster County. It had to be. At least he hoped so. Without his own money, David had no other choice but to live here too.

  After he secured Buster, he started to walk toward the house when the sound of hoofbeats made him turn. His father was pulling up the driveway. As he waited, he scanned the yard around the house, much of which was covered in snow. But even the snow couldn’t hide the litter. A pile of tires, some old chairs, and a whiskey barrel were visible beneath a thin layer of white, and to his left was a pile of tin. So much debris to be carried off. Then there was the house. Badly in need of a new roof, new floors, and some insulation. In his upstairs bedroom, he had actually felt the frigid wind blowing through the cracks in the walls last night. Even the bathroom was poorly put together. It had a tub and sink with running water, but no toilet. Why? Wouldn’t it have been just as easy to put in a commode?

  “How was your trip to town?” Samuel trudged across the yard with a smile stretched across his face.

  “It’s a long way to Monte Vista from here.” David met his father in the yard and took two large plastic bags from him. His father balanced long white pipes across his shoulder, and David could see more of them hanging out of the back of the buggy.

  “After you put those bags in the house, can you go get the rest of those pipes and haul them upstairs?”

  “Sure, Daed.” David eased his way up the porch steps ahead of his father, then into the den.

  “Samuel, is that you?”

  “It’s both of us, Lillian. Daed is coming in behind me.” David held the door as his father wound through the threshold with the plastic piping still draped over his shoulder.

  “Where’s the toilet?” Lillian met Samuel at the doorway.

  His father put the piping down, then
stroked his dark beard and grinned. “Toilet? I must have forgotten that.”

  Lillian slapped her hands on her hips. “You better not have returned to this house without a toilet, Samuel Stoltzfus!”

  Samuel pulled her into a hug and nuzzled her neck. “Or what?”

  “No more meals until me and the girls have a toilet in this house! Do you hear me, Samuel?” She eased him away, but Daed grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her.

  David shook his head. “Stop it. Not in front of your sohn.” He couldn’t help but grin. His father and Lillian were as happy and affectionate with each other as the day they’d gotten married. David regretted that he’d never have that, someone to love for a lifetime.

  “Where are Anna and Elizabeth?” David set the bags on the floor with a thud, hoping to break up the smooching going on. “H-E-L-L-O?” He knocked on the wall beside him.

  “Ach. Sorry, David.” Lillian grinned at David briefly, then turned back to Samuel and pushed him away. She put her hands back on her hips. “Where’s my toilet?”

  “In the back of the buggy, mei lieb.” Samuel scooted past her. “Where are my girls?”

  Lillian relaxed her arms at her side and smiled. “The nicest woman came by earlier. Her name is Vera Detweiler, and . . .”

  “Ach! The groceries.” David moved toward the door. “I got everything on your list, and that woman you mentioned, I met her too. She sent some bread and stuff for you.”

  “She told me. She said she decided to come by and see if she could help me with anything. She brought her little girl, Betsy.” Lillian laughed. “When she got here, Anna and Elizabeth were running around the boxes like wild animals. We talked for a while, and then she offered to take them to her house to play with Betsy so I could get some unpacking done.”

  David turned around before he walked out the door. “Her daughter Betsy is nothing like Anna and Elizabeth.”

  Lillian moved closer to the door, her forehead wrinkled. “What do you mean? Vera seemed very nice, and Betsy is seven, like Anna.”

  “Seven going on seventeen.” David grunted. “She’s some sort of whiz kid. A bit of a smarty pants.”

  Lillian cocked her head to one side. “I didn’t notice that about Betsy, but then she didn’t really say too much.” She looked toward the basement door. “Although she was rather obsessed about seeing our basement. I finally showed her, even though her behavior seemed to embarrass her mother.”

  David shook his head as Lillian pushed a box out of the way with her foot.

  “Well, Anna needs friends. I don’t think Elizabeth will have any trouble making friends when she gets into school next year, but Anna doesn’t warm up to people as quickly as Elizabeth. It will be good for her to have a new friend here, to help her get adjusted in her new school. Can you go pick up the girls around three at the Detweilers’ house?”

  David took a deep breath. I’ve been traveling half the day. “Ya, I reckon so.” He turned to walk outside, and as he started down the steps, he heard Lillian yell, “Danki!” Back at the buggy, he draped four plastic bags over his wrist and carried Vera’s goodies in the other arm. Is this what he’d always be, their running boy, with no family of his own? No. As soon as he could get a job and save some money, he was heading back to Lancaster County. He would purchase a place of his own, and at least he’d be around other family and his friends in the beautiful place he’d been raised.

  He thought about Anna and Elizabeth, and his stomach churned with anxiety. It would be hard to leave them, even harder than leaving his father and Lillian. When he was almost to the front porch, loud voices caught his attention, and he turned toward the smaller house on the property. He couldn’t make out what was being said, but Uncle Ivan and Aunt Katie Ann were definitely having words. Probably about living in this place. He’d never understood why his aunt and uncle wanted to make the move here either. This community wasn’t nearly as well-kept as Lancaster County. The mountains were nice, but the homes weren’t as attractive or bright as those in his hometown of Paradise. To give Canaan credit, Amish families had only begun settling here six or seven years ago, as compared to Lancaster County where generation after generation had lived, making it a draw for tourists. That’s one thing he didn’t miss. Tourists.

  His father said that this move to Canaan represented new beginnings for all of them. But why did they need a new beginning? Everyone had been happy where they were.

  He opened the front door, wound around the boxes in the den, and put the groceries on the kitchen table.

  “ceries; then she opened Vera’s bag. “That was so nice of Vera. I really like her.” She pushed a box to one side and placed the items on the cracked blue tile that covered the counter. She turned to face David. “What did you think about the rest of Vera’s family?”Danki.” Lillian began unloading the store-bought gro

  David shrugged. An image of Emily’s face flashed before him. He’d never seen a woman look so scared, but inside her house, she’d looked comfortable—yet she’d given him the cold shoulder. Last thing he was interested in was going to a Sunday singing, but he’d made sure to tell Emily he would be there. Why? Just to bug her? It was obvious she didn’t want him there. Lord, what is wrong with me? Please help me to shed all this bitterness. She was a strange girl, but it wasn’t like him to go out of his way to make someone uncomfortable.

  “I didn’t meet Mr. Detweiler or Levi, the other son. I met Jacob, though. He seems like a nice guy. And I met the older daughter, Emily. I guess she’s close to my age.” David grabbed a soda from one of the bags, then held up his hands when Lillian frowned. “There’s no tea or anything, so I bought these with my money.” He’d only bought a couple of cans, but he knew that he needed to be more watchful of the small amount of money that he had. Once he had a job, he could start adding to it, and then get back home.

  “It’s not the money. They’re just bad for you.” Lillian thrust her hands on her hips and stared down at a large, white ice chest filled to capacity. “We have to get a refrigerator we can hook up to the propane.” She pointed to the antique in the corner. “Don’t even open that refrigerator. I already made that mistake. The contents are unidentifiable, and it smells foul.”

  “I’ll haul it out.”

  Lillian smiled. “That would be great. Can you handle it by yourself?”

  “Can you handle the smell?”

  His stepmother giggled. “All I can do is laugh.” She glanced around the kitchen with its cracked countertops, cupboard doors with chipped blue paint that were hanging by a single hinge, and possibly worst of all, the blue and gold striped wallpaper. “If Bishop Ebersol could see us now.”

  “Why’d you let Daed talk you into this?”

  Lillian quickly turned away from him and ran her hand along a gas stove that had been there since way before David was born. Probably before Daed and Lillian were born. With her back to him, she shrugged. “Your daed thinks this is the best thing for us.”

  “How can it be? I mean, look at this place, Lillian. It’s a wreck inside and out. Why would Daed—”

  Lillian spun around, her eyes pleading with him. “David, we’ve been through all this. Please try to make the best of it.”

  He let out a heavy sigh. “I will, but I just don’t understand why we have to.”

  “We are hard workers, David. We will make this place into a beautiful home.” Lillian shoved a box out of the way with a hard push of her foot, and then she forced a smile. “Now, tell me about Emily. Vera said she’s nineteen. Is she nice?” Lillian grinned mischievously. “Is she pretty?”

  David thought about Emily’s big brown eyes and how her cheeks flushed a dark pink color when he spoke to her.

  “She’s pretty enough, I reckon. But she’s . . . different.” David pulled the bench out and straddled it. “She went nuts when I was in the store, acted like I was going to hurt her or something.”

  “What?” Lillian sat down in the chair at the end of the table. “Why would she t
hink that?”

  David pulled off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. “I was a bit of a jerk.” He watched Lillian’s expression sour. “But, Lillian, trust me. It was nothing to make her go all crazy the way she did.”

  They sat quietly for a moment as Lillian twisted the strings on her kapp. Finally, she said, “Vera said they moved here from Middlefield, but I got the impression she wasn’t telling me the whole story, about why they moved.”

  David scowled. “Is that so odd? I’m sure you and Daed aren’t telling me the whole story about why we moved here either.” He raised his brows, and Lillian looked away. She stood, then turned to the counter and began to nervously shuffle items around. I’m right.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re going to the singing on Sunday. It will be good for you to meet some people your own age.” Lillian kept her back to him as she spoke.

  “I guess.”

  “Ach, cheer up. Don’t sound so gloomy.” She twisted her head around and smiled. “Maybe Emily is someone you’d like to get to know better.” Then her expression turned thoughtful, followed by a shadow of annoyance. “Maybe you can show her you’re not such a scary guy, although I can’t imagine why an Amish girl would be scared of an Amish man. It’s not our way to be aggressive.”

  David thought about the scar that ran from Emily’s brow to her hairline. “I think someone must have been aggressive with her before.”

  “Why do you say that?” Lillian leaned against the counter facing him and crossed her arms against her chest.

  “She’s got a scar that runs from here to here.” He slid his finger from his brow all the way up to his hairline.

  “That doesn’t mean she’s been hit. Accidents happen on farms all the time, you know that.”

  “I reckon.” He paused. “But it would explain the way she acted around me.”