Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

Emily found her father’s question so sincere. He wasn’t avoiding her pain.

  “It was gut, Daed.” She smiled, knowing it was a partial lie, but justified her words with the fact that parts of the day had been bearable. Emily tried to stay upbeat around her father. She knew that he was devastated about what had happened to her. He never tried to hide his pain, and he silently understood hers. But she chose not to hide her misery from her mother. Maybe just once, Mamm could talk to her about it, comfort her, tell her that she wasn’t the ruined woman she knew herself to be. Instead, always laughter. Always happy. And Emily resented her mother more and more each day.

  Everyone knew Betsy was coming when the china in the cabinet began to rattle. She hopped down the stairs, both feet hitting each step at once, and then skipped across the den to the kitchen.

  Betsy knew something bad had happened to Emily. It was the first and only time Betsy had ever seen a police car, and everyone was crying. Besides Emily, Levi had cried the hardest, even pounding his fist into the wall. Daed had overlooked Levi’s aggression in light of everything.

  “I’m going with Emily in the car with the lights!” Betsy had screamed that night as she clung to Emily’s blue dress. That was the last thing Emily remembered before she passed out and woke up at the hospital. She threw the blue dress in the garbage two days later.

  “Emily, did you hear me?” Her mother slapped her hands to her hips.

  “Huh?”

  “Please put the chow-chow, jams, and jellies on the table.” ter. “Betsy, can you put the butter bread on the table, please?”Mamm shook her head, then pointed to the bread on the coun

  Emily realized that she’d come downstairs too late to help with supper preparation. She used to love cooking for others, but since she wasn’t fond of eating these days, the cooking wasn’t as fulfilling as it used to be. Just the same, her parents expected her to help with the meals, and she shouldn’t have been late.

  Levi came downstairs a few minutes later, and everyone took their seats. Emily sat next to Betsy on one wooden bench, Levi and Jacob across from them on the other bench, and her parents at opposite ends of the table in arm chairs that her father and Levi had built.

  “Let us pray.” The family bowed their heads.

  Once they’d all prayed silently, her mother picked up a large pan of meatloaf. “Levi’s favorite tonight.” She smiled at Levi as she passed him the casserole dish, a glimmer of hope in her eyes that perhaps Levi would try to be happy, but once again he let her down.

  Emily wanted to scream at him. Why are you so unhappy? Nothing happened to you! Stop acting this way! But she reminded herself that she didn’t have the exclusive right to be miserable. Maybe there was something going on with Levi that no one knew anything about. Maybe he was more upset about leaving Middlefield than he’d let on.

  “I have news.” Their father lifted his brows and glanced around the table as he let Mamm spoon some potatoes onto his plate. “We have enough money in our community fund to start construction on the new schoolhouse when the weather clears, and I have six people in our community committed to helping out on Saturdays.” Daed shook his head. “If we were in Middlefield, gathering workers wouldn’t be a problem, but there just aren’t very many of us here. But a nice Englisch fellow volunteered to head up the project. He’s been a carpenter all his life, so we’re in good hands.” Then Daed smiled, as was his way. Her father always recognized the hardship of a given situation, but then he’d find a way to make the best of it. Emily was sure that her father believed he could turn anything bad into something positive. She knew it frustrated him that he couldn’t do this for her. But Emily found Daed’s approach to life endearing. It was as if he was saying, “I’m sorry something bad happened to you. I care, and I love you. It’s okay to feel it, and I’m going to do my best to keep things going around here.”

  She recalled a time when she wasn’t much older than Betsy. It was the first year she’d helped her mother plant a garden, and Emily had insisted that they have watermelons, something they usually didn’t plant. She could still remember her father’s excitement when the first sprig of growth popped through the soil. They all worked hard to avoid pride, but her father had kept Emily’s first watermelon on display on the kitchen counter for so long that it almost became inedible. He showed it to everyone who came to visit. “Mei maedel grew this. It’s the finest watermelon I’ve ever seen,” he’d said. Emily could still recall how proud she felt, and within a few years, she was completely in charge of the garden. Jacob did the tilling, but Emily did all the planting and harvesting, and her appreciation for the soil paralleled her father’s. Many evenings they sat on the front porch after supper, and Emily would tell him about her garden, and her father would talk about the plentiful crops he had going in the fields. Working the land brought a profound sense of stewardship and close connection to God. Emily wondered if she would capture any of those precious moments in this new place when spring arrived.

  In Middlefield, her father and brothers had worked the land full-time, but here in Canaan, Daed and Levi also had the construction and solar panel business they would be tending to, in addition to farming. Jacob was to tend the store with Emily and split his time in the fields. Daed said these changes were necessary until they knew how their crops would fare in this new climate.

  “There’s a new family in town, Elam.” Mamm sat up taller. “They have a daughter, Anna, who is Betsy’s age, another daughter who is five named Elizabeth, and . . .” Her eyes twinkled with hope. “And a young man named David who will be coming to our singin’ this Sunday. He’s Levi’s age, I believe.” She smiled in Emily’s direction.

  “He seems like a gut fellow.” Jacob reached across Emily and began to spoon potatoes onto his plate.

  Emily glowered at him. “I could have passed you the bowl.” She leaned back as his arm came much too close to her glass of milk.

  Jacob didn’t react to her comment and instead piled another heap of potatoes on his plate. “Maybe he’ll help us with the schoolhouse. I’ll ask him Sunday when he’s here.”

  Emily saw Levi scowl, but he didn’t say anything.

  “The mother’s name is Lillian.” Her mother shifted her weight in the chair. “And listen to this! She actually converted from the Englisch world about eight years ago, then married David’s father, Samuel.” Mamm cocked her head to one side and pressed her lips together. “So interesting. I’ve never known anyone who came from the other side.”

  “I’m teaching the girls about the Bible.” Betsy raised her small chin and smiled at their father.

  Emily remembered Betsy’s Bible lesson with Anna. “Betsy, why don’t you just behave like a normal little girl, play and have fun when you have friends over?” She knew the question was harsh, and there was that word again—normal. When Betsy’s mouth fell into a frown, she softened her tone. “I mean, I’m sure Anna and Elizabeth’s parents teach them about the Bible at their own home. Maybe they’d like to put a puzzle together or play a game?”

  Betsy scrunched her face into a pout. “You can’t learn much by doing that.”

  “Sometimes you just need to have fun, Betsy.” Emily took a small bite of meatloaf.

  Levi grunted as he reached for a slice of bread. “Maybe you oughta take your own advice.”

  Emily slammed her fork down. “You’re not exactly running around here all happy, Levi. Maybe you best not tell me how I’m supposed to feel, or act, or be . ..” She felt tears building in the corners of her eyes.

  “That’s enough,” Mamm warned each of them. “This is not proper behavior for the supper table.”

  Jacob pushed his plate back. Her oldest brother didn’t like any type of confrontation, and Emily saw him cringe before he quickly bowed his head in silent prayer, then excused himself. “I’ll go get the horses secured in the barn. Supposed to be real cold tonight, I heard.”

  “That’s what I heard too.” Mamm pointed toward the den. “I already hauled in some extra log
s.”

  Emily watched as Jacob pushed his chair in and left the room. She’d never been as close to Jacob as she was to Levi, but all that had changed recently. When Levi withdrew inside himself for reasons none of them could understand, Jacob had stepped in and seemed to silently understand Emily’s pain. He was much like their father in that regard.

  She didn’t hear much of the rest of the conversation. She picked at her food, but for once, there was no ugly replay going on in her mind. Instead, she was thinking about David Stoltzfus. A handsome, single man. And, apparently, a nice person. But Emily knew that she needed to avoid him, not get close to him. She reached up and grazed the scar with her finger. What would someone like David Stoltzfus want with her anyway?

  Just the same, she planned to avoid the singing on Sunday somehow.

  DAVID HAD NEVER seen a group of women so excited about a commode before.

  Lillian rushed to Anna and Elizabeth the minute they walked in with him. “We have a bathroom in the haus, mei maedels!” She pointed toward the stairs. “Go see!”

  Anna and Elizabeth squealed all the way up the steps as Lillian followed.

  “Glad to make the women folk happy.” His father rounded the corner from the kitchen toting a steaming cup in his hand. “We just got here yesterday, but they made it clear that it was their first priority.” Daed chuckled, then surveyed the den. Boxes were everywhere, but David knew his father was looking beyond the obvious clutter. “Lots of work to do on this haus, son.”

  David sighed. “Where do we start?” He scanned his immediate surroundings. Wooden floors rotted in places, cabinet and screen doors barely on their hinges, and chips of blue paint falling from the wood-planked walls. He could even feel cold air from outside seeping between the cracks as they stood there.

  “Tomorrow I think we best start caulking these walls. We’re gonna have a hard winter to go through, and best to get things weathertight before we worry about the looks of the place.”

  David nodded. “Sounds gut.” He looked toward the kitchen. “I don’t smell any supper,” he said in a whisper.

  “Lillian said she can’t cook in the kitchen with all the clutter, so we’re having ham sandwiches. It’s all laid out. I’m sure we’ll eat after Anna and Elizabeth both try out the new toilet.”

  David rubbed his belly and looked around. “Onkel Ivan go back to his haus? I thought he might stay for supper.”

  “He went home, mumbling something about taking Katie Ann out to eat.” Daed’s brows furrowed as he walked closer to David. He lowered his voice. “I think your aenti and onkel are having some problems. We need to offer extra prayers for them.”

  “What do you mean ‘problems’? In their marriage?” That seemed unlikely to him, but his father nodded. David stared at a spot on the floor. “Is it serious?”

  “I don’t know. Ivan won’t talk to me about it, but I’ve sensed unhappiness between them for a while now.” Daed rubbed his forehead. “I think that’s the reason they wanted to make this move with us, for a fresh start.”

  “That makes sense.” David lifted his chin, putting him almost eye to eye with his father. He couldn’t resist asking, “You and Lillian havin’ trouble too? Is that why we had to make this fresh start?” He knew good and well that his father and Lillian were as happy as any married couple could be, but this was his roundabout way of getting the truth, he hoped.

  “David, I know you don’t believe that, and we’ve been over this a hundred times. There needs to be enough land for everyone, and prices are—”

  “I know, Daed. That’s what you keep telling me.” He ran a hand through his hair; then he shook his head. “I’m gonna go get cleaned up for supper.”

  David walked up the stairs to his room. He eyed the bed, dresser, and nightstand he’d brought from Lancaster County, then glanced at a rolltop desk that had been left in the far corner of the room by the prior owners. It was a battered piece of furniture that badly needed refinishing. He tossed his coat and hat onto the bed, since there was nowhere else to hang them, and wandered down the hall to the bathroom, glad the girls had cleared out.

  He inspected the new toilet. One toilet was better than no toilet. Maybe they’d get another bathroom put in downstairs soon. He twisted one lever of the antique faucet, and cold water slowly trickled out, splashing onto the rusted porcelain below. Then he turned the other lever, hoping for hot water. After a couple of minutes, he gave up and ran his hands under the droplets, gasping as he brought a handful of icy water to his face. He picked up a green towel draped across the sink and patted his face dry.

  He could hear everyone gathering in the kitchen downstairs, and his stomach rumbled full force.

  LATER THAT NIGHT David popped a handful of medicines into his mouth, the same thing he did every night and every morning. That’s the way it would be for the rest of his life, however long that would be. He swallowed the four pills with a glass of water and thought of the conversation he’d overheard between his father and Lillian five years ago. He’d only been home from the hospital about a week, and his fifteen-year-old mind hadn’t really considered what he’d been through.

  “I don’t care what the doctors say,” he’d heard Lillian say. “Ten years is only the average time that a kidney will last.”

  Hearing those words had been difficult. Not just about the kidney transplant, but realizing that his chances of living a full life had been cut short. He’d decided on that day that he was not going to get married. He remembered when his mother died and how that destroyed his father. He wanted to avoid inflicting that type of hurt on someone. When he heard Lillian speak his fate, he came to terms with it. He’d accepted God’s will, and he planned to be the best man he could be, void of any long-term goals or commitments.

  He turned up the lantern on his nightstand and glanced around at all the boxes he had yet to unpack. Hard to believe they’d only arrived last night. Today had been a full day. He thought about Emily and the way she’d reacted this morning. He picked up the bottle of prednisone on his nightstand. The doctor had warned him that his new dose was fairly high and could cause him to be unusually irritable. He set it down and decided he would watch out for any signs that the medication was causing him to be bad-tempered, even though he didn’t really think his conduct should have been enough to make Emily cry. Maybe Sunday he’d learn more about her.

  Four

  EMILY HELPED BETSY INTO THE BACK SEAT OF THEIR covered buggy, then reluctantly crawled into the front seat with her mother, bumping her head on the metal enclosure as she got in.

  She rubbed the spot, wishing she didn’t have to attend Sister’s Day.

  “It will be gut for you to be around Beth Ann and the other girls, Emily.” Mamm got comfortable in the seat, then flicked the reins until the buggy began to slowly pull forward. “I was going to ask Lillian to join us for Sister’s Day, her and the girls, but I reckon she probably has too much to do.”

  “All Beth Ann does is talk about hers and Jacob’s wedding plans.” Emily sighed. “I’m sick of hearing about it.”

  “Beth Ann is going to be your brother’s fraa, your sister-in-law. You should be sharing in their happiness. Their wedding is only a month away, and it will be a joyous occasion.” Her mother sat up in the seat and smiled. “Even if it is a bit of a whirlwind courtship.”

  Emily still couldn’t believe that Jacob was marrying Beth Ann after only knowing her three months, but everyone loved Beth Ann, and Jacob was happy.

  Mamm picked up the pace and guided the buggy down the cleared driveway. Emily had heard her brothers shoveling snow early that morning.

  “I think Beth Ann is going to be a gut mamm.” Betsy leaned forward between Emily and their mother. “I hope they have kinner right away.” She leaned back again. “You know, in nine months after their wedding. That’s how long it takes for a baby to grow inside the mother’s womb.”

  Emily snapped her head around. “Don’t you think we know that, Betsy?”

&nbs
p; “You don’t have to yell at me!” Betsy opened her mouth and let out an ear-piercing scream, which she was known to do when she was mad. For someone as smart as Betsy, Emily thought, she can certainly be an immature brat.

  “Betsy! What have I told you about that screaming?” Mamm turned her head to face Betsy. “I will not have that, mei maedel. You cannot just scream like that when you are mad. Do you hear me?”

  Betsy let out a heavy sigh. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I don’t know why the three of us just can’t have a nice day and everyone be in a gut mood and get along, as it should be.” Mamm shook her head, then sat up taller in the seat and lifted her chin. “This will be a gut day, and we will all be happy, no?” She glanced back at Betsy before raising her brows in Emily’s direction.

  “Mamm, you can’t force happiness on everyone around you.” Emily pulled her eyes away and folded her arms across her chest, squeezing tight in an effort to warm herself.

  They rode silently for a while, and as ner, Emily gazed past the flat, snow-covered San Luis Valley toward the Sangre de Cristo Mountains to her east. She closed her eyes and envisioned herself climbing to the top of one of the peaks. At around eleven thousand feet, she imagined she’d be nearer to heaven and would feel closer to God.Mamm turned a cor

  It was a silly thought, but she longed to climb the mountains just the same.

  “I’m glad we don’t live in that house where the witch used to live.” Emily turned around in time to see Betsy pointing to the homestead that David and his family now owned.

  “Betsy!” Mamm groaned. “Do not refer to the Stoltzfuses’ home in that manner again, and especially don’t use those words in front of the other women today.” Mamm put the reins in one hand, then rubbed her forehead with her other hand. “There is no such thing as witches.”

  Emily made the mistake of giggling.

  Mamm yanked back on the reins and slowed the horse, then came to a complete stop as they neared a stop sign. “Do you think this is funny, Emily?”