Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  Emily shrugged. “Ya, I guess I do.”

  “You are being disrespectful, both of you.” Mamm twisted her body in the seat to face Emily, then looked back and forth between Emily and Betsy in the backseat. “I want this to be a gut day.”

  “Why does every day have to be a gut day for you, Mamm?” Emily threw her hands in the air. “I don’t always have gut days, but Betsy did something I thought was funny, so I giggled.” She paused, raised her brows. “But unless the happiness is on your terms, in your perfect little world, then it’s not all right.”

  Emily had never spoken to her mother like that before. Mamm’s eyes rounded, her lips pressed tightly together, and she took a deep breath. “Emily . . .” She breathed in again. “Our Lord would not approve of the way you’re behaving, and—”

  There was a calmness in her mother’s tone that only caused Emily to react even more harshly. “He wouldn’t approve of the way you act either, Mamm! How can you always be happy after what happened to . . .” She glanced at Betsy, whose bottom lip was quivering. Emily let out a heavy sigh. “I can’t always be happy, Mamm.”

  “We need to pray, girls.” Her mother bowed her head.

  Emily shook her head as she opened the door of the buggy. Like so many other times in the past three months, she didn’t want to talk to God. There were no cars anywhere in sight on the rural road, and she stepped out of the buggy. “I’m not going.”

  Mamm raised her head as her eyes grew wide. “Emily, you get back in this buggy!”

  “I can’t do it today, tend.” She bent at the waist and held her stomach for a moment, then rose up when she heard her mother’s door slam.Mamm! I just can’t! I don’t want to go be around Beth Ann and everyone else, to have to smile and pre

  Mamm rounded the back of the buggy. “Emily, please just get back in the buggy.”

  “I can’t.” Emily moved slowly away from her mother. “Not today.”

  “How will I explain your absence at Sister’s Day?” Mamm thrust her hands on her hips, atop her heavy black coat.

  Emily’s jaw dropped. “I can’t believe you, Mamm. You just don’t get it! And all you’re worried about is how to explain why I’m not there?” Emily kept easing backward, then turned and started walking briskly back home, trying to avoid patches of snow still left on the asphalt.

  Her mother called after her, and Emily could hear Betsy screaming again, but she just kept walking, the frigid wind burning her cheeks, tears streaming down her face.

  DAVID WAS GLAD to be working outside, feeling the sun on his back. His father and Lillian had decided to take Anna and Elizabeth with them to town this morning before getting started on the caulking or resuming the unpacking. He lifted his black boot high, then sank it into fresh snow and stopped to put his hand to his forehead. To the west stood the San Juan Mountains, capped in white, with sparse sprigs of greenery on the lower peaks. Though he wasn’t thrilled about his new home, the massive mountain ranges in every direction were awe-inspiring, and he liked the way the sun blazed down from blue skies, making the snow glisten like glitter for as far as he could see.

  He pulled on the barn door, then pulled again. When it wouldn’t budge, he leaned down and hand-shoveled snow until the door opened enough for him to squeeze through the opening. Benches and tables that they’d brought from Lancaster County were stacked on one side of the barn. He doubted they would need half of the tables and chairs whenever it came their turn to hold worship service. His father had already told him that there weren’t many folks in the area, and only a few families made up the district here. Because of that, David felt a sense of isolation. Despite the beauty of the mountain ranges, he found himself struggling not to see the high peaks as borders of entrapment. On the other side of the barn, there were a few boxes that he needed to bring into the house, and in the corner were some rusted tools and empty barrels left by the prior owner. He glanced around the rest of the barn, surprised by how clean it was in comparison to the house. Maybe I’ll just live out here. He grinned to himself as he made his way to the horses stabled on the far side.

  Pete, his father’s horse, had been around for as long as David could remember, and his own horse, Buster, was a fine animal that David received for his sixteenth birthday. Jelly Bean— named by Anna, who preferred that food over any other—was their newest horse, but not yet buggy broken.

  “Hello, Jelly Bean.” David stroked the horse on the snout, then checked the water and feed for all three. He glanced around the barn again and decided some of the old debris outside could be stacked in the barn for now.

  He made his way back into the yard to start hauling some of the junk inside, things that Anna and Elizabeth might get hurt on. That’s when he saw a girl walking down the street.

  Emily?

  EMILY KNEW SHE would be reprimanded when her mother returned home from Sister’s Day later this afternoon, and she regretted the way she’d spoken to her, but she was so tired of pretending that she was happy. She’d been raised to believe that everything was God’s will, even the really bad things. But she just couldn’t wrap her mind or heart around how God’s will could include what had happened to her. She prayed at every meal and during their devotion time, but something had changed. Her communion with God was not the same.

  She pulled her black coat tighter around her. It was starting to snow again, so she pulled the rim of her black bonnet down and tucked her chin to avoid the cold flurries showering her face. She folded her arms across her chest and clutched her elbows, shivering as she walked down the road. She thought of Sister’s Days back home in Middlefield. About once a month the women would gather, visiting and canning, quilting, or perhaps even cleaning house for someone who was unable. It was always filled with laughter and fellowship, and she couldn’t remember ever missing the occasion. But that was when she had her entire life ahead of her. Today it would have been too much to listen to Beth Ann recite every detail of her upcoming wedding.

  James’s face flashed in her mind, like a scary picture she couldn’t erase. She closed her eyes tight for a moment but couldn’t seem to shake the vision. She could almost feel his hands on her, the intrusive way he touched her in places that were not appropriate. She’d asked him nicely not to do that following the kiss they’d shared, but James hadn’t listened. She remembered pushing him away from her in his car. Then James had looked at her, and Emily would never forget the way that his eyes had shifted, rounding into balls of anger as he’d grabbed her by the arm and pulled her toward him.

  If there was anything to be thankful for, it was the fact that she’d blacked out certain details of the next few minutes. Her next memory was of running as fast as she could on shaky legs, gasping for breath as she cut across a field beneath a barely moonlit sky. Then she’d run through dark trees toward home. She cringed as she recalled the doctor stitching up her head, a permanent reminder of that night. But even more painful was the news he delivered when he was done.

  A tear trickled down her cheek as she relived that evening at the hospital. She heard the doctor saying to her parents, “I’m so very sorry. Emily was raped.”

  Emily wasn’t familiar with the term. Her father left the room without looking at her, and with tearful eyes, her mother tried to explain what the word meant. What little detail her mother offered was enough for Emily to understand that she was no longer fit for marriage. Mamm didn’t say that, but Emily knew it to be true. When Emily asked if she had sinned or gone against the teachings of the Ordnung, her mother assured her that she hadn’t. But Emily knew that no man would want her now. Since then she couldn’t seem to find the peacefulness that she’d always felt in her heart. She knew that fear and worry blocked the voice of God, but she’d stopped seeking Him. She was afraid she would be alone for the rest of her life, with no husband or children, and worry about the future consumed her. Her prayers lately were mechanical, simple, and without the heartfelt connection she’d once treasured.

  She kicked a rock in the r
oad, then blew out a deep sigh and watched the frigid air cloud in front of her. She wanted to talk to God the way she used to. But God had allowed this to happen. It was His will that she was damaged, with little hope for the future.

  Movement to the right caught her eye. She lifted her hand above her brow to block the bright sun and drizzling snow. She found the combination of warmth from the sun and cold from the snow all around her to be odd. She squinted until she made out the person walking toward her. David Stoltzfus.

  She tucked her chin, pulled her bonnet lower on her forehead, and picked up her pace.

  “Emily!”

  Hugging her coat tighter around her, she walked even faster.

  He yelled her name again, and as she cut her eyes in his direction, she saw him crossing the yard toward her. “Wait!”

  She let out a heavy sigh between her chattering teeth, turned toward him, and waited.

  “What are you doing?” He stood on the inside of a wooden fence that surrounded the property. “Why are you walking in this weather?” David pulled his own black coat tighter around him, and Emily could see his teeth chattering also.

  “I—I just am. Mei mamm and Betsy went to Sister’s Day, and I changed my mind about going.” She forced a smile. “Nice to see you. Good-bye.” Then she headed down the road.

  “Wait!” David trudged slowly through deep snow until he was at the gate. He pushed it open and walked toward her. “I’ll hitch up my buggy and take you home. It’s startin’ to snow real hard now.”

  Emily stopped. “No. It’s not much farther. I’m fine.” She turned toward the road again.

  “You don’t look fine. I reckon you’re freezing to death.”

  “I have to go.” She’d only taken a few steps when she heard him coming up behind her. She spun around and faced him. “Are you going to follow me?”

  “Ya. I guess so. I can’t let you walk all the way home by yourself. So I reckon I’ll have to freeze to death too, to make sure you get home all right.”

  He smiled, and his dimples added a childlike quality to his expression, which she found adorable. She resisted the urge to grin and put her hands on her hips. “Well, that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Ya. It is.” He tipped his black felt hat down to block the falling snow. “So you should just let me give you a ride home. I can have Buster hitched to the buggy in no time.”

  She was chilled to the bone, and the thought of David following her all the way home was embarrassing. “Fine.”

  “Go in the haus and get warm. It won’t take me long. I think Lillian left some kaffi on the stove.”

  “Are your folks home?”

  “No. But just go in and help yourself.” He pulled the gate open for her to walk ahead of him. She stopped.

  “I—I don’t think it’s proper for me to go inside your haus without anyone home.”

  “It’ll be just fine.” He reached out and took her arm to coax her through the gate.

  The feeling of his hand on her arm jarred her. She jerked away from him and took a step backward. “Stop it. I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to walk.” She spun on her heel, but he spoke up before she even took a step.

  “Emily!”

  She turned to face him again.

  His eyes were kind as he spoke. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I promise you a thousand times, I will never hurt you. Do you understand me? Never. You’re safe here.”

  Emily lowered her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He didn’t step forward this time as he spoke. “A fellow doesn’t have to be too smart to figure out that something bad happened to you, or I figure you wouldn’t have got so upset at the store.”

  She opened her mouth to defend herself. Maybe it was the soothing tone of his voice or the gentleness in his eyes, but she paused for a moment, then realized how her behavior gave her away. She sighed. “I can’t talk about it.”

  David walked toward her again. This time she didn’t back away. “You don’t ever have to talk about it. I just want to be your friend. I don’t know anyone here.” He paused before speaking softly, “Go get something hot to drink. I’ll be out here getting the buggy ready. Just meet me outside when you’re warm.”

  “Okay.” By now, her cheeks were so numb they burned. She slid by him and started toward the house while he went to the barn.

  Once she’d eased her way up the front porch steps, she pulled open the screen door, which was hanging by one hinge, then pushed the heavy door open. She could smell coffee, but the soothing aroma was mixed with a stale odor that caused her to grimace. In the kitchen, she took in the blue and gold wallpaper, a couple of cabinet doors also hanging by one hinge, and the many boxes still left to unpack. So much work to do.

  She found a travel mug with a lid, similar to what her family used during cold weather. Then she helped herself to the coffee on the stove. The warm liquid helped to stifle the shakiness that consumed her entire body. She found another mug, filled it up, and secured the lid.

  Outside, she approached David, carrying both cups.

  “Ready,” he said when he saw her.

  “I brought you some too.” She handed him one of the cups.

  He smiled as he accepted it. “Danki. ”

  She walked around to the other side of the buggy, climbed in, and saw a portable heater on the floor.

  “That will keep your feet warm,” David said as he backed the buggy up. She leaned down and flipped it on.

  David waited until they were on the road before he said anything. “It’s a mess in there, huh?” He nodded over his shoulder toward the house.

  “It will just take some time, that’s all.”

  He laughed. “A lot of time.”

  Emily smiled, enjoying the sound of his laughter. Her heart felt a little lighter, her burdens not as heavy at the moment. “I’m sure Mamm will set up a Sister’s Day for Lillian so we can all help her get the place in order.”

  David nodded. “I know Lillian would be grateful for any help.”

  “I really could have walked,” she said as David pulled into her driveway less than five minutes later. “I told you it wasn’t that far. Barely worth the trouble of hitching the buggy up.”

  “A couple of miles in this weather feels like more. I don’t know about you, but I’m having trouble with the altitude. I reckon I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d gotten word later that Emily Detweiler was found frozen in her boots.” He grinned, and Emily felt her face flushing.

  “Well, I’m used to the altitude, but danki for the ride.” She pushed on the door and stepped out, then turned to face him briefly.

  “You’re welcome.”

  As she walked up the path to her house, she knew one thing had changed. She no longer wished to avoid David by not attending the singing. A thought that excited and terrified her.

  Five

  EMILY PULLED A CLEAN BLUE DRESS OVER HER HEAD. THE singing would begin soon, and she found herself thinking about the tender way David had talked to her the last time she saw him. “I don’t know what happened to you, but I promise you a thousand times, I will never hurt you. Do you understand me? Never.” And she wanted to believe him. She knew in her heart that James had been an exception, that most men were not like him, but letting her guard down didn’t come easy. On the flip side, what if David Stoltzfus was the most wonderful man on the planet, his character a mirror of his handsome looks? Then she would only set herself up for heartache because marriage won’t be in her future. Just the same, she couldn’t help but look forward to seeing him.

  Mamm hadn’t said much to Emily when she’d returned home from Sister’s Day with Betsy. Emily knew she was mad, but as was Mamm’s way, she’d quickly recovered and made it her business to make sure that everyone around her was happy, including Emily. So, in light of her guilt over the way she’d behaved, Emily faked happiness for her mother’s sake for a few days.

  “Emily!” Hop, hop, hop u
p the stairs, then Emily’s door bolted open. “Mamm said to come downstairs. People are starting to get here.” Betsy pointed one toe forward as she put her hands on her hips.

  “I’m coming, Betsy.” Emily sat down on the bed and quickly tied her shoes. “Who’s here?”

  “Hannah, Beth Ann, Edna, Leah, Amos, and . . .” Betsy rolled her eyes. “That David Stoltzfus person.”

  Emily stood up and put her hands on her hips. “Now, Betsy, stop that. David is Anna and Elizabeth’s bruder, and they are your friends.”

  “He made you cry.” Betsy’s bottom lip curled under.

  Emily walked to Betsy and squatted down in front of her. She cupped Betsy’s chin in her hand. “Betsy, he didn’t mean to. Sometimes I’m just too sensitive.”

  “Do you think David Stoltzfus is a gut man?”

  Emily thought for a moment, about how she’d thought James was the best man in the world. She could spend her life in fear and worry, or choose another path, one God would prefer. “I’m going to choose to believe that David Stoltzfus is a gut man.” She kissed Betsy on the cheek. “Come on. Let’s go downstairs.”

  When Emily hit the bottom stair, she could hear voices in the kitchen. She rounded the corner to find David surrounded by all the single women—Hannah, Edna, and Leah. All three ladies were seeking a suitor in this small community, and Emily knew David could have his pick of any of them. She approached the group slowly and greeted everyone.

  “Mamm has everything set up in the basement,” she said. “There’s plenty of food, games set out, and Jacob set up the shuffleboard table. I think he’s down there playing with Levi.” She stretched out an arm toward the door leading downstairs. “So, please, everyone make yourselves at home.”

  “Come on, David.” Hannah latched onto David’s elbow. “I’ve been here before; I’ll show you the way.” Hannah batted her eyes at David.

  David eased out of Hannah’s grip and gave her a soft smile. “You ladies go on ahead. I need to talk to Emily for a minute.” David winked at Emily when their eyes met, and Emily felt one knee give beneath her.