She told me that I just needed time. That I was still in shock. But this newest betrayal only confirmed what I’d been thinking for days. I could never trust this woman. She was going to have to be in my life because of Ben.
But I didn’t have to give her my heart.
It was because of her that I was never able to give it anyone in the first place… maybe never again. The closest that I’d come to that was with Lola, but Hannah coming back into my life just brought all the pain back to the surface.
The truth was… I’d been relieved when Lola told me we should take time apart. I was off the hook. My heart was off the hook.
I stormed out of the kitchen and grabbed my coat from the hook by the door. I left the house, determined to clarify my feelings with Hannah once and for all.
When I got to the hotel room, I asked Hannah to step out of the suite with me for a few minutes. Ben was already asleep, but I didn’t want to wake him with our discussion. He didn’t need to know how I really felt about his mother.
“What’s up? Everything okay?” she asked, looking concerned.
I paced the hotel corridor. “Did you turn Lola away from the house when I wasn’t home? Did you tell her we were together?”
Hannah’s eyes widened, and then she looked at the ground. I knew instantly that she’d done it. The question was, would she have the balls to admit it?
“Well, you see—”
“Moira told me all about it.” I shot back at her before she could lie.
“Okay,” she admitted. “It was just to give you and me a chance. Don’t you think we just need some time.”
“No, we don’t, Hannah. I told you, I can’t just act like the last ten years never happened. You broke my heart. You stole my chance to be in my son’s life. I will support you and Ben and make sure you’re both safe and taken care of. But you and I will never be together. I can never trust you again.”
Hannah’s eyes welled. “But baby,” she tried to reach out for me, but I stepped back. “You and I had something special. You’ll never have that again with someone else, you know it.”
She was so wrong, and she had no idea. What I had with her was infatuation, and then ten long years of misery. The only person who brought me back… was Lola.
“Maybe I’ll never settle down, but at least I won’t be in love with someone who can never love me back, because she is too in love with herself.”
With that, I turned my back and walked away. Hannah didn’t chase after me, she must have known deep inside that this was it for me. I planned on keeping my word. I’d co-parent with her and make sure that my son was provided for in every way possible, but I’d never let her manipulate me again.
* * *
A teenage girl greeted me at the front door of Lola’s apartment.
“Hey, I am— “
“Julian Lewin.” Her eyes lit up as she said my name. “I know you are. I’m Aspen.”
I raised an eyebrow. I guess Lola had mentioned me to her?
“Is she here?” I asked.
“No.” Aspen’s face dropped. “She went back home for a few days.”
I frowned. She went back to the commune? She hated it there… I supposed I’d been too late. I didn’t even know what I would say to her face, anyway. I just felt compelled to see her, to hear her voice, her laugh… the way her nose twitched a little when she was concentrating.
Aspen disappeared for a second and came back with a piece of paper.
“Here you go.” She handed it to me. It was an address.
“That’s the address for One Tree.”
I swallowed, staring at the paper, and then back up to Aspen’s face.
She looked at me, expectantly. “Take a damn chance, rich boy.”
Without another word, she shut the door, leaving me speechless, while the tiny note trembled between my shaking fingers.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Lola
A shiny SUV kicked up dust on the dirt road as it careened down the long drive into the commune, causing rather a commotion. It wasn’t often that outsiders visited unannounced, let alone outsiders who drove expensive black utility vehicles.
Momma and I, who had been working in the tomato patch, stood up. We watched with the others as the driver pulled up in front of our cottage. Momma seemed just as confused as I did.
We walked closer as the driver hopped out of the car and came in view.
I was so bowled over by the person who stood before me, that my heart could have exploded then and there.
“Julian.” I rushed forward but stopped short of hugging him.
“Lola.” Julian took off his sunglasses and folded them into his pocket. He was dressed down, with a black fitted T-shirt, and formfitting dark blue jeans. He looked every bit the suave businessman, I knew him to be, only slightly more casual… and somehow even hotter than usual. I wasn’t even if I’d ever seen him in anything other than a suit.
We both stared at each other for a minute, unsure of what to do. Momma walked up beside us and looked at me. “I’m assuming this is yours?” She pointed to Julian.
“Momma, this is Julian,” I said nervously, studying her reaction.
What the hell was he doing here? And what the hell would she think of him?
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Ingram.” Julian shook her hand and smiled nervously.
“Call me Shannon,” she said, shooting me a puzzled look as she looked him up and down.
“Shannon,” Julian repeated, offering polite smile. Then he turned to me. “I hope you don’t mind me coming to visit. I heard you were here and… Well, I have a return flight to New York in two days and thought maybe….” He looked at me as if he was trying to explain himself, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
I looked at my mom. “Do we still have the O’Neil cottage vacant?”
She nodded, then gestured to Julian’s rental car. “Turn that thing around and take a left. You’ll see a cottage at the end of the road. You can stay there for two nights, it’s vacant.”
Julian looked relieved. “Thank you, that’s really nice of you.”
I gestured for him to do what my mother had told him, without delay. Taking my hint, he hopped back in the SUV and drove around to the old O’Neil cottage.
After Julian had got himself settled, he strolled up to Momma and me as we continued working in the vegetable garden. I offered him a weak smile as I cleared out the weeds from a nearby garden bed, while Momma tended to her precious tomato plants.
“Last year’s crop was a complete bust,” Momma whined as she pruned. “We lost most of the tomatoes.”
“What happened to them?” asked Julian.
Both Momma and I looked up at Julian in surprise. What on earth would he know about tomatoes?
My mom studied him skeptically for a moment before she spoke. “They grew fine until one weekend in the middle of summer. Their skins cracked. Almost like they burst in their cases.” She shook her head.
Julian walked closer to Momma. “What was the watering like?”
“We use an irrigation system…” Momma grimaced. “Now that I recall, it did stop working for a week and we had to hand water. But, once we got the system back up and running, we gave the crop extra water to make up for it.”
“A lot of extra water?”
Momma nodded.
Julian smiled. “Tomatoes split if you suddenly inundate them with water. It’s very common. You have to keep the watering as even as possible to stop it happening. Small amounts, every day, not a week’s worth all at once.”
Momma looked at Julian in astonishment.
Julian crouched down next to her and examined the tomato seedlings that had grown two feet tall already.
“How the hell do you know that?” I yelled out from across the garden.
“Yeah. What did you learn about growing tomatoes in New York City?” Momma narrowed her eyes at him.
Julian shook his head in frustration. “I haven’t always been
in the city. When I was a teenager, I used to help out a family who had a small farm at the edge of town, to earn a dollar. Mostly, I had to sell their produce at the farmers market, but I ended up helping them rear the plants too. I picked up a thing or two along the way.”
Julian stood up, as both Momma and I gawked at him.
“Looks like we need to put a trellis up if you want these tomatoes to last much longer without tipping over.” He looked around and spotted a pile of wooden stakes on the ground and walked over to them.
He looked at my mom. “You got a length of wire and some pliers?” Julian picked up a couple of stakes and carried them to the garden bed and then thrust them into the ground.
Momma stood up, still in shock. “Yeah, sure. I’ll go get them now.”
She flashed me a confused expression, and I shrugged.
This man was full of surprises. Now I felt embarrassed about the time I told him that I couldn’t grow anything to save my life. Letting out a sigh, I looked back down at my own patch of dirt and continued the work of weeding.
Julian worked in the sun with us all afternoon until the entire row of tomatoes were on the trellis and ready to go for the rest of the growing season. When we were done, my mom couldn’t wait to invite him to our communal dinner in the events hall.
The hall itself was a large wooden building, with an open space inside that we used for community meetings and other gatherings. Julian washed and then came to dinner, the sweat and dirt from the day gone. My mom and I sat together, opposite Julian, on the long table that could seat everyone in the commune.
We dug into the food everyone had brought to share, while we drank and chatted late into the night. For some reason, my mom was unusually chatty, especially with Julian. She couldn’t seem to get enough of him since witnessing his gardening expertise on full display. She was impressed not only by his knowledge but by his work ethic… he wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, she’d said to me.
On the other hand, I’d been impressed by his ability to impress my mother with anything. Something I’d fail to do my entire life. I laughed to myself as I watched the two of them talk about how to get rid of mildew on cucumber plants. I think my mom liked Julian more than me.
After dinner, I walked Julian back to the cottage where he was staying.
“You know, your mom is not as bad as you made her out to be. She seems super nice,” he said.
I glared at him. “Yes, because you’ve turned out to be some kind of master gardener. Which, by the way, you never mentioned.”
Julian look to the ground and smiled. “I haven’t had to put those skills to use in New York. It was actually kind of nice to be out in the sun, in the garden… around nature again. Never thought I’d miss it.” He shrugged.
“I know what you mean. I never thought I’d miss this place.” We stood on his porch. “I’m glad I came back, you know. It’s given me a new appreciation for it.”
“Yeah.” Julian chuckled. “Although I don’t know what’s preferable, the smell of cow dung or the streets of New York.”
We both laughed.
“I think I prefer cow dung.” I replied.
Julian smiled. “Well, I’m exhausted. I think I’ll hit the hay.”
I nodded and made my way down the steps of the porch. “See you in the morning, farmhand.”
Julian shook his head and went inside.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Julian
The whole next day, I kept myself busy helping around the commune. There was something about this place. The way everyone worked together for the greater good. It was heartwarming in a way, a feeling I never got in New York City. It reminded me a little of my home, Falcon, a town where everyone knew each other. It was much like this place. Of course, the commune was tiny in comparison, but it had the same feeling to it. Suddenly, I understood why Lola’s mother liked the place so much.
My only worry was that I hadn’t gotten a chance to talk with Lola. I wanted to know where her head was at and to figure out my own. Maybe by working hard all day, I was just putting off the inevitable… trying to buy myself more time to clarify where my own heart was at.
All I knew was that the physical exhaustion of the work helped immensely with calming my mind. Almost like the high I got after a hard training session in the boxing ring. Only this was work with a purpose.
On my last night at One Tree, I went back to the cottage to begin packing. A few minutes in, I heard footsteps behind me and turned around. Lola walked into the room, her hands in the pockets of her tiny floral dress. She looked like a dream in it… as always.
“You leave tomorrow?” She stood beside me, watching me pack.
“Yeah, I have to leave first thing.” I couldn’t look at her, I just focused on packing my clothes into my duffle bag.
She gripped my arm to stop me from continuing, and I was forced to look at her. She seemed so uncertain, so sad.
“Why did you come here?” she asked.
It was the question that I’d been asking myself for two days. What had I hoped to achieve by coming here? Was it to face my feelings about Lola? How could I verbalize something that I could not articulate in my own mind?
The question was… could I face the prospect of heartache again? Did a really have it in me to go a second round with love and still come out the other side?
Did Lola even want a family? When I was 22-years-old, I know what my answer would have been.
I faced her. “I don’t know.”
Lola sighed. She glanced between my eyes and my mouth and then pressed her palm against my chest. My heart beat faster, and suddenly we were in that zone again. The one where there was no one but the two of us. Despite the protestations of our hearts, our bodies were all too ready to betray us.
I leaned down and brushed a gentle kiss across her lips. I tried to pull away, but instead, Lola pulled my head down toward hers, deepening the kiss.
And that was it. That was all it was going to take to push me over the edge. It had been so long since I’d tasted her, so long since she’d been mine.
I walked her backward until she was against the wall while we kissed passionately. It was a hurried, desperate kiss. The kind of kiss you give when you think you’re never going to see that person again. When you realize it could be the last time.
Lola’s eyes burned with desire. She went straight for my belt and unbuckled it.
Sensing her urgency, I lifted her up to meet my hips, and pinned her against the wall. “Please. I need you,” she whispered. “One more time.”
And that was all I needed to hear.
I freed my hard cock from my pants. I pulled her panties aside and thrust into her in one quick movement. She moaned and arched her back against the wall, as I thrust into her with a fast, punishing rhythm. This wasn’t going to be slow and languishing. This was not a hopeful fuck. This was a last plea. A hopeless, desperate cry for the contact we craved. A last-ditch effort to rid ourselves of the rabid, insatiable need for pleasure, that only the other could appease.
I groaned as I felt her internal muscles squeezing against my throbbing length, and I knew I wasn’t going to last long. Neither would Lola. It wasn’t long before she was clawing into me with her fingers and shaking violently against my hips as she came on my cock. Her whimpers pushed me over the edge, and I came inside her, the explosion releasing days, weeks of pent-up need.
When we were done, I helped Lola steady herself on her feet, and then buckled myself up.
Lola wiped the sweat from my forehead with her thumb and looked at me intently. “Why did you really come here, Julian?”
I looked deep into her eyes. I could only tell the truth. “Because I couldn’t stay away.”
Lola’s face dropped, and without a word, she walked to the door. She leaned against the doorway, thinking twice about whether to say something.
Then she opened her mouth. “It’s just not good enough. That’s just not a good enough answer.” She swallowe
d. “I keep choosing men who don’t know what they want, and you know what? That’s just not okay anymore. I want a man who chooses me because I’m all he wants, not because I’m there when he’s broken up with his girlfriend and he needs a rebound, or because he lost the love of his life and I’m the next best thing.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “That’s just not good enough for me anymore.”
She held my gaze, and then without another word, she turned around and left.
She left me alone in the bedroom, crushed to the core. She was right. She deserved so much more. She deserved someone without baggage… without wounds.
Maybe deep inside, I knew that all along, and it was the reason I’d avoided relationships since Hannah. With Hannah, I went all in, and it proved to be a fatal error. I went all in on a lie.
If I couldn’t be everything she wanted, I needed to let Lola move on with her life.
* * *
The next day as I ate breakfast inside Shannon’s kitchen, I couldn’t shake the heaviness of the previous night’s conversation. Lola was taking a shower, and I was glad I didn’t have to face her yet.
It was so damn good to have her in my arms one last time, but the fact that it was the last time was a dark thought.
What was next? Where did I go from here?
I circled my thumb around the rim of the glass of orange juice that Shannon had poured for me. I was quiet that morning, and she could tell.
“You know, Julian. You’re not half bad.” She contemplated me. “But I have to say, don’t you dare break my Lola’s heart. She is finally getting everything she wants. Her career is taking off. She is living in New York, just like she always wanted. She doesn’t need some guy like you coming and ruining all of it… with this flip-flopping.”
I leaned back in my chair, shaking my head. “I’m not trying to hurt her. I’ve just put it all on the line before, and I was burned so bad…” I looked up at her, and she nodded as if she knew what I meant.
Obsession: Seven Vices Series Page 19