My night ended in an emotional state, but when I think about it this morning, I’m hopeful. Elias getting all riled up has to mean he cares, doesn’t it? I wonder where his breaking point is. He’s fought his feelings for me for so long, I’m afraid his tolerance level is high. That’s why desperate times call for desperate measures. I need to see this through, for his sake as well as mine.
I get ready for the day and wake Alex up right before I’m ready to go. “I’ll be back later.”
“Wait, where are you going? I’ll come with you.”
I sigh. “Okay, but hurry. It’s already going on eleven.”
He hurries to the shower and I have to give him credit—he’s ready to go within fifteen minutes and looks great.
“Where are we going?”
“There’s a charity luncheon that I have to attend. I know Elias will be there too, but after that, we need to see where else he’ll be. I need to figure out his schedule.” I shrug like it’s no big deal, but I haven’t known Elias’s constant whereabouts since we were kids.
“Should I put on a suit?”
I assess his button-down shirt and dress pants. “Maybe throw on your khaki jacket and you’ll be set.” I smooth down my fitted linen khaki dress and grin. “We’ll be twinsies.”
He rolls his eyes but grins, tossing the jacket over his shoulder.
“Thank you for agreeing to this, Alex. I hope your sex life is abundant every day for the rest of your life…as soon as our arrangement is over.” He frowns at my last words and I bop his nose. “Come on. Let’s go.”
“You’re a hateful, hateful creature.”
“I’ve never pretended to be anything else.”
* * *
When we step outside, Harmi is the only guard I see. He’s usually covering Eden, so I ignore him and walk to my car.
“Hold on, Ms. Catano. I’m taking you to the luncheon,” he calls after me.
“That won’t be necessary. Aren’t you driving Eden?”
“Not today. I was instructed to drive you.”
The frown I give him is so deep it’s bound to give me wrinkles, so I quickly smooth out my forehead. “By whom?”
“Your brother.”
“Well, you can tell my brother to shove i—”
“Standing right here, sis. No shoving needed. Come on, we can all ride together.” Luka moves past Harmi and opens the car door.
“What are you up to?”
“I could ask you the same question,” he replies, his eyes penetrating mine.
I sigh and look away, climbing into the car to avoid the conversation. Alex sits next to me and Luka sits across from us, smirking.
“You need to wipe that smug expression off your face. You forget I’m the oldest and I know you better than you know yourself.”
Luka tilts his head. “Then you should know not to be so bitter with me right now. This has gone on long enough.”
“You lost your brain cells when you married the northerner.”
“Easy. My wife is off-limits to your sharp mouth.”
I tilt my head down, in one firm nod. “Exactly my point. We’ve never had anything off-limits between us before.”
Alex reaches over and takes my hand in his, giving it a couple of pats. Luka’s eyes hone in on it and he scowls before he looks at me again.
“I don’t like having this animosity between us. You think I want to fight with you? You’ve always been my best friend. You and Elias. The three of us together, forever.” He waves his hand and glares out the window. “Both of you need to get your shit together and get on the same page. Do whatever you have to do to work out your anger toward me about Eden and our dear old dad, but remember that you know me inside and out, just like you said. Get your head out of your ass and remember I’m the brother who loves you.”
I crinkle up my nose in distaste at his choice of words, even as my heart is warming over his declaration of love. I love him so much. Besides Elias, he’s been my everything since the day he was born. That’s why it’s been so hard to be this angry with him.
“I love you too,” I say quietly.
“That’s more like it.” He crosses his arms and waits for me to say whatever is coming next. He knows me so well.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be close to Eden.” I shrug. “But I guess it doesn’t matter, does it? As for Elias,” I glance at Alex out of the corner of my eye, “you need to try out your little tough love speech on him. He’s the one who needs to hear it.”
“I’ve tried, believe me. You’re both too stubborn for your own good.”
“Can we stop pretending like I’m not right here?” Alex asks, and as bad as I feel for him, it lightens the mood.
Luka’s lips quirk up into a grin and I almost feel like I’ve got my brother back. Almost.
“If I didn’t know she was up to something, I’d almost feel sorry for you,” Luka says to Alex. “Somehow, I think you’re in on it with her, so I’m not too worried.”
Alex shrugs. “Still, it’d be nice to at least act like I’m part of the conversation.”
“Her conversations have always revolved around Elias Lancaster. You’d do well to remember that.”
I swallow hard when I hear Luka’s words.
“I’m still waiting for us to have that conversation about Father,” he adds.
I nod, knowing my time has to be up for running.
We arrive at the library, one of my favorite places in Niaps, and I step out of the car, determined to make the best of this day. I look good, Luka’s words have lifted my spirits whether he meant for them to or not, and I should be seeing Elias any minute now.
I step inside and look up at all the volumes of books, reaching up to the sky, they go so high. We walk through the tunnel to the restaurant and are ushered to our table. I come to a halt when I see Elias sitting there with Brienne. She isn’t in her standard guard uniform but in a dress that looks shockingly fashionable.
Instead of causing a scene, I sit on the other side of Elias and ignore Luka’s twinkling eyes across from us. Alex sits in the empty seat next to me and I put my napkin in my lap.
“I see you have completely disregarded my requests to stay out of my sight,” I mutter under my breath.
Elias’s arm brushes against mine and the air heats up around us. “You were asking the impossible. We’re in the same circles, Niaps isn’t that big…and I could argue that you enjoy every chance you get to see me.” He says it all out of the side of his mouth in a tone so low and quiet that I know I’m the only one who can hear him.
“Are you flirting with me, Elias Lancaster?”
He lifts his eyes to the sky and then clears his throat when a glass of wine is placed in front of us. He takes a long swig and I do the same.
“You should stop this madness before someone gets hurt,” I whisper.
He turns to face me, his eyes wide and gleaming with surprise and…malice? Pain? I come up short these days when I try to figure him out.
“Does the great Mara Catano have a heart after all?”
I bite my bottom lip, the hurt nearly staggering in its weight. If I were standing, that one could’ve knocked me to the ground. When it comes to Elias, I am nothing but heart. I pause and count it out before speaking again.
“When did you begin to hate me, Elias?”
He looks past me to Alex and the shake of his head is almost imperceptible, but it’s there.
He takes another swig of his wine and empties the glass, already looking around for another. Brienne says something on the other side of him and he turns to her, cutting me off. We don’t speak again for the rest of the meal. I sit numbly through the speeches and when Alex tries to make me laugh, I try hard to snap out of my fog and respond, but the pain is too deep. I hear Elias’s low tone with Brienne and her flirty laugh in response and know I’m losing him.
For the rest of the meal, I turn my back to Elias and pretend he doesn’t exist. Every nerve in my body resists, but I don’t
give in to his pull.
I’ve thought all along that Elias couldn’t fight his love for me, but today I know the truth.
He hates me. I think maybe he has for a long time. And I have no idea why.
I just have to remind him that he loves me.
Dear Elias,
I have relived this conversation over in my head at least a thousand times since yesterday. I like to picture myself wearing my blue dress with the white buttons instead of the green dress because blue is my color and in my memory what you said deserves to look its best.
I also picture us outside on the beach by our boulder, as you call it, instead of in your attic…because I think you would’ve been more comfortable there. I’m sorry I dragged you into the attic—I just wanted to see what old clothes your mom might have had. You said she was beautiful once and I thought we might find proof. But anyway…in my mind, we’re by the boulder.
And in my mind, you also kiss me at the end. But for now, I just play this part over and over.
You: When you talk about having lots of kids one day and living by the ocean, who do you imagine living with?
Me: You. (In my head I say this with even more of a DUH expression because DUH!)
You, flushing: You’d want to marry me?
Me: (Again thinking duh, but I played it cool) You’re the only one I’d ever consider marrying.
And then I nearly pass out every time I get to this part because you took my hand and wove your fingers between mine and I JUST ABOUT DIED.
You: I don’t want anyone but you either, Mara. Ever.
DEAD.
I can be revived to marry you, but you’ll have to forgive me while I’m gathering up my strength.
I love you, Elias. I may only be eleven, but I know this: I LOVE YOU.
Love,
Mara
Chapter Thirteen
Mara
Alex and I leave earlier than Luka and our ride back to the house is mostly quiet.
“I’m sorry to be such bad company,” I tell him.
“You don’t need to apologize. I just want you to think long and hard—be sure this is what you really want. Because you look miserable, and your plan doesn’t seem to be working out how you’d hoped.”
“You’re right. I am miserable. But we’re just getting started. Please don’t bail on me, okay?”
He lifts his hands. “No one said anything about bailing. I do need to get home for a few days, but I can be back over the weekend.”
“That’s perfect. More believable anyway.”
He makes a sarcastic snort. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Look, if you’re not up for this, you need to say so now.”
“I did think it was going to be more fun. Sleeping with you and not being able to touch you…it’s hell. What kind of arrangement is that?”
“Go home, see the Vermonti twins or whatever their names were, and come back ready to roll.”
“The Tornini twins,” he mutters.
I shrug. “Go get your fill. And when you come back, be ready to be convincing.”
“I’m not the one who’s not convincing. You’re the one who walks around with Elias hearts in your eyes. I swear, it’s only his jealousy that’s making him blind to what’s really going on, because you are so obvious.”
I grin. “You think he’s jealous? So it is working.”
He pounds the side of the car just as we’re pulling in. “Get me out of here. You’re too much.”
“That’s never bothered you before.”
“Before you at least dangled me a little morsel, offered me your scraps…” He laughs, helping me out of the car. “Reconsider our arrangement in bed and I guarantee a much happier process.”
When he tries to kiss me, I step back. “Nuh-uh. I don’t need you to go and develop feelings for me. We had our fun. That part of us is over.”
He rolls his eyes but steps back. “Friday night?”
“Friday night.” I nod, tapping his chest. “And like I said…get it all out of your system before then.”
“Impossible.”
* * *
Later that afternoon, I go for a swim. I do a few laps and feel some of the tension in my shoulders ease. The look in Elias’s eyes when he asked if I had a heart…it crushed me, but now that I’m away from it for a little bit, I think he looked just as crushed. It makes me feel like I’ve hurt him and he’s gone on acting like he’s fine, but he’s not. How long has he not been okay, and why haven’t I known before now? Am I really that self-absorbed? I know I like my fine clothes and don’t like to have anything out of place, including the people around me, but the people I love, I love hard. I don’t let just anybody in, but when I do, my love is like a root that will never let go. It would have to be choked out with a scalpel and even then, my vines would find a way to ease back up around him.
When my shoulders tense, I go under the water, staying under as long as I can. My strokes are long and measured when I come up. I lose track of time, trying to quiet my mind before I go inside. I get tired before that happens and get out of the water no more peaceful than when I stepped into the water but at least exhausted enough that I might sleep tonight.
Elias is standing near one of the patio tables, at first shadowed by the umbrella. When I get closer, he steps out, moving toward me.
“You always used to swim when you were troubled.”
“It used to help.” I towel-dry my hair and let the rest of me drip-dry.
His eyes skate down my blue bikini and I sigh, too tired to play the games.
“What do you want, Elias? I’m not up for fighting tonight.”
“I don’t want to fight with you either. I…I want a truce.”
“When did we get so broken that we needed a truce?”
“Haven’t you ever wondered why I was all over you when I came back from University and then I wasn’t?”
“So many times, you have no idea.”
“I thought you were finally mine. You were finally old enough. I was doing everything your dad wanted me to do. My mother was a little healthier. It felt like the right timing. Do you remember the dance floor? We kissed…”
“I’ve never forgotten anything, Elias. You are ingrained in my heart and always have been.”
He swallows hard. “I went out to tell my aunt and uncle goodbye, and I heard Alex talking about how he’d fucked you all summer…”
His eyes glaze and he licks his bottom lip. I drop the towel and move closer to him. He takes a step back.
“That’s why you hate me? Alex?” My voice is incredulous. “You knew we weren’t…and you always had girls hanging all over—” I cut off, unable to get a clear thought out.
“I had an arrangement with your dad. I just had to wait until you were twenty-one. You were still twenty that night and here I thought you’d been waiting as impatiently for me as I’d been waiting for you.” He puts his hands to his hair and tugs. “You don’t know the hell I went through. My mom was adamantly against us being together. I turned down every advance from every girl all through fucking university.”
My mouth drops open. First in shock. “Are you saying you were a virgin?” My voice shakes and I step closer again. He puts a hand out to stop me and my eyes bulge. “Tell me.”
“You were the only one I wanted.”
I shake my head. What is he saying? This isn’t making sense. All those years…
“I had no…this can’t be right. You ignored me once for an entire year. No. Don’t tell me I’m the only one you wanted. Girls surrounded you every time you came home.”
“To make it easier to avoid you.”
I swallow hard, still shaking my head. “Why didn’t anyone clue me in on any of this? When you left for school, there were long stretches when you ignored me, breaking my heart every time you came home and didn’t come to see me, or when you hung out with Luka and barely had more than three words to say to me. Until later when you’d suddenly appear by my side if any guy talked t
o me.”
“When you were sixteen, your dad nearly killed me when he found out we’d been making out every day. He threatened to haul me to prison, and I believed him.”
“Oh please, you can’t be serious. My dad always knew I intended to be with you. He wouldn’t do that. He was probably just warning you to not get me pregnant.” I snort. “Like that would ever happen since you didn’t stick around!” I yell the last words and he flinches.
He grabs my arm. “Turn it down. Your father forced me to keep my mouth shut about my feelings and wait until you were twenty-one. We could get married then, if I’d stay away until then. I swore I would. I didn’t know you’d go throw yourself at the first guy who paid you any attention.”
I slap him across the face and he holds his hand to his cheek. I take a step back, feeling hollow and like I can’t breathe. I hold my hand up to my chest to try and ease the ache.
“You bastard,” I whisper. “I lived and breathed for you. I always have. You devastated me time and time again and I always came back for more.”
“Right, I can see that,” he bites back. He shakes his head. “Mara, you’ve never veered from Alex for very long since that summer…so you can see why I don’t find your words convincing. And I can’t complain really—I was late to the game, but I’ve more than made up for lost time.”
I think of the countless women I’ve seen him with since that night and feel light-headed.
“You really showed me, didn’t you?” I look at him long and hard, noticing every intake of breath as his chest lifts rapidly. “How have I not seen how much you despise me before now?”
He shrugs. “You know that fine line between love and hate—I guess we’ve been skirting around the line for a long time now.”
“Well, consider me jumping on over to the other side from here on out.”
His hands tug my waist forward and he lowers his head until his lips are like a breath against mine. I feel the hardness of him against me and I tremble. His hands suddenly drop and he steps away, leaving me cold. “See you on the other side.”
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