by Max Hudson
By the time Friday rolled around, he had finished the review and sent it back for printing, and was in discussion about the next series. That conversation had begun months earlier, and he was stoked to be working on it. He’d been given a couple of weeks to work up the outline for the first book in the series, and they were already talking cover art. His stomach fluttered when Jake’s name cropped up, but thankfully he wasn’t required to make any response.
Benny and Kayla were ecstatic when their parents dropped them off on Friday morning. He took them to the zoo, and after for Italian ices at his favorite treat shop. Dinner that night was their mother’s shepherd’s pie, washed down with apple juice for them, and wine for him. Saturday he had to work, but he took his laptop down to the pool and watched them play and swim, joining them for about half an hour before getting back to work. Then he took them out his favorite pizzeria and they stuffed themselves, and took home more Italian ices for a snack before bed. By the time their parents arrived to pick them up on Sunday, Dave had been too busy to be tormented by thoughts of Jake.
Cindy stayed back for a moment while Dan and the kids went down to the car.
“Were they good?’ she asked.
“Are they ever not?” he answered, smirking. “What do you really want to know, Cindy? Spit it out.”
“I want to know who has you so tied up in knots!”
“It’s…complicated.” He pulled the door open. “I can’t talk about it yet, Sis. Just let me figure things out first before you come demanding answers I don’t have, okay?”
“Love shouldn’t be complicated, Dave,” she said, cupping his cheek in her small hand.
“Who said anything about love?” Nobody falls in love after three meetings. It’s lust…it’ll pass.
“Okay, so maybe not love. But attraction? A crush? Why is that complicated?”
“Because…it just is.” He pulled her hand away from his face and used it to lead her to his door. “Go on. Don’t keep Dan waiting.”
“Remember your promise, Dave. I’m holding you to it.”
“I haven’t forgotten.” He waved to her as she stepped into the elevator.
The next two weeks went by without incident, and Dave worked to finish the outline for the first story in the new series, spending hours doing research, losing himself in the intricacies of astrophysics for lay people. It was the second weekend again before his peace was disturbed, and only because his editor wanted to know how far along he was. They talked black holes for a while and quantum singularities, debating the introduction of characters and plot points. Then she said she was having a barbecue at her place in the country the next day to celebrate the book launch.
“I’d like you to be there, if you’re not too caught up in the writing.”
“Sure. I’d love to come. Who else will be there?” If Jake is going to be there, I’ll need to have my game face on.
“The usual suspects,” she said. “Bring wine. You always bring the best.”
Dave laughed. “Will do. Time?”
“Lunch time.”
“Okay. See you then.”
Was Jake considered part of the team now? He’d have to go prepared to see him. And he’d have to go knowing how he would handle that. The fact of the matter was that he wanted Jake, but for more than just the sex. Though the heat of their only encounter still burned him, there was something about the ex-soldier that drew Dave to him. It was almost as though they were kindred spirits. But what did he have in common with a guy who had seen action on foreign soil? A guy who had been injured in the line of duty? He didn’t even know what Jake’s injury was! He felt inadequate to the task of befriending a man who was not only years older than he was, but lifetimes ahead in experience. And it didn’t help that he had been a jerk to Jake the last time they met.
By Saturday, Dave was a bundle of nerves. He felt like he imagined his sisters used to feel when they were going out on their first dates with some guy they thought no one in the family would approve of. He still wasn’t a hundred percent sure his family would all be on board if he decided to give Jake a try, and he had no idea how that would pan out at work, or with his few friends. But hadn’t he decided, a month ago, that he would not let anyone tell him how to live his life anymore, or influence his choices? He was over thirty for fuck's sake! His life was his to live, and no one else’s. He needed to man up and get his act together if he wanted to stand more than a snowball's chance in hell of getting Jake.
The skinny black tie he had chosen to wear to the barbecue was choking him by the time he drove around to the back where the sign said everyone should go to park. There were a few other cars there, as well as a couple of motorcycles, but Dave didn’t see Jake’s SUV. Torn between disappointment and relief, he got out, passed his hand over the button-down green shirt and black slacks, and smoothed his tie. Collecting the wine he had brought with him, he squared his shoulders and walked around to where the sounds of merriment told him the party was already in full swing.
He had known arriving late was a risky move, if Jake were there to see him. But since he wasn’t there, Dave relaxed, fighting the deflated feelings that crept up on him. Then he rounded the corner and almost bumped into him. Saving the wine bottles he carried at the last moment, he steadied himself, noting that Jake stood stiffly away from him, not helping him in any way to regain his balance. Fair enough…he clearly didn’t want to have any more physical contact with Dave then he had to.
“Sorry.”
Dave mumbled his apology, his gut churning with anger, anguish, and frustration, and passed by Jake to set the bottles of wine on the beverage table. Controlling his emotions was going to be a challenge unless he could avoid Jake for the rest of the afternoon. He wasn’t going to make a bigger fool of himself for some guy who despised him. It wasn’t worth it. This was a failed experiment, one he wasn’t anxious to repeat, unless it was with the man who it seemed wanted nothing to do with him.
He managed to fake his way through the eating and drinking, made small talk with others, and watched with deep envy as everyone else seemed to stand where he wanted to stand, in Jake’s space, talking and laughing with him. To Dave’s jealous eyes, Jake was in his element, basking in the glow of acceptance by men and women alike, and not bothered by the misgivings that plagued him. Jake had clearly moved on. He watched as a man he had only met in passing put a hand on Jake’s shoulder, speaking quietly into his ear. The smile that flashed on Jake’s face was warm and friendly, and when they shook hands, Dave swallowed the surge of impotent rage that rose like bile in his throat.
Turning away, he walked into the house, seeking a quiet space to bring himself back under control. He and Jake were nothing to each other. They barely knew each other. They hadn’t even said anything to make the storm raging in his blood acceptable. Jake was not his. He paced in the kitchen, pulling his riotous emotions back inside him, drawing air deep into his lungs to settle himself before returning to make his excuses and leave. He refused to succumb to misplaced anger or jealousy. He wasn’t a teenager with his first hard crush.
Time to buck up. Chalk it up to experience, move on. He took one more bracing breath and went to say his goodbyes. A family engagement was his excuse, and he felt no shame at the lie. The walk back to his car was like walking the plank before falling into a depthless ocean of regret.
Chapter Seven
Dave had disappeared. Where the fuck was he? Moving smoothly through the others, he sighted him just as Dave walked out of sight toward the parking area. Jake followed. He had a few things to say to Dave that didn’t require an audience. He would find other clients, but before he dropped this one, he’d clear the air between them. He had never been one to avoid confrontation, and he needed to be who he was, even when it hurt in ways he couldn’t explain.
“At some point, you have to stop running.”
Jake kept his tone neutral. He didn't want to antagonize Dave, and he sure as hell didn’t want to have to keep fighting with hi
m. Civility seemed the best option, especially as it seemed like they were likely to move in the same circles for the foreseeable future. Dave kept walking, and Jake increased his stride so that they arrived at the driver side door at the same time.
“What’s got you so spooked?” Maybe if he understood what was going on in Dave’s head he could at least defuse the tension between them.
“Who says I’m spooked?”
Jake felt impatience crawl over him like a too-tight second skin about to be shed. “Why the fuck don’t you just stop with the lies? Huh? We both know you’re running scared. And we both know it’s because of me. So, how about you try the truth this time?”
He couldn’t help the growl in his voice. It was mostly frustrated anger with a small side of want. He wanted the man standing before him to be something more than a client and a failed hook-up. In the two weeks since they’d last met, he had admitted as much to himself, though he couldn’t account for it, and had stopped trying. He heard the mighty sigh Dave heaved before he answered him, and prepared for the worst.
“I can’t talk about this here.” Not surprising, coming from a man in denial. “Why don’t we meet somewhere neutral for coffee? There’s a Starbucks near the publishing house on Broadway. Six o’clock?”
“Fine.” Jake stepped away and watched him leave, turning his wrist to check the time. He had a little over an hour. He turned back to make his own farewells and rode out on the vintage Harley he rarely used. The ride into the city was less busy at this time of day on a Saturday, and as he cruised, Jake let the wind and the sounds of the open road wash over him and soothe his soul.
Thank fuck there was a parking spot across from the Starbucks. He locked his bike and strode across the street. Dave was waiting for him, and when Jake reached him, he turned away and went into the shop. Jake gave his order and then followed, sitting across from Dave in a booth at the back. The too-long silence told him he’d have to go first.
“Look, I don’t know what exactly it is you’re looking for, or not, with me, but I can tell you, you won’t find it by avoiding the issue. I’m a very private kinda guy. I don’t let people in. Yet somehow, you’ve managed to get to where no one else has been in a very long time. I’d like to think I’m not the only one in that position.”
The barista called his name, and Jake went to get his drink, sipping it as he sat back down. This time, he waited. He had started the conversation. Time for Dave to say his piece.
“We’re different, you and I,” Dave began. “I’ve been content to write, make some money, keep my family happy. It’s been a long while since I thought I’d care enough to think about anyone again. And I wasn’t prepared for you.”
“Why do you need to be prepared?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Dave hissed out in an angry tone, his voice low. “You don’t spend your whole life thinking you’re one thing and discover you might be another without losing it just a little.”
Jake studied the man sitting with his hands wrapped around a tall coffee mug. He watched as Dave closed himself in, and he swallowed the urge to reach out and touch him. He couldn’t fight Dave’s battles for him. Best to keep listening. There had to be more to this confession or admission or whatever the hell it was.
“A month ago, I didn’t even know you existed,” Dave continued. “And then there you were, and I don’t know what to make of you.”
Jake smiled. For the first time in a month, the emotions he had been fighting didn’t feel like they were drowning him. His whole body was flooded with something that felt almost like relief…a bone-deep heat that soothed rather than scorched him.
“I’m just Jake, a guy like you, an artist.” He didn’t need hero worship from Dave. He was no hero.
“We both know you’re a lot more than that.” Seemed Dave disagreed with his assessment of himself. “The point is, I was never one for guys as more than buddies. So, what the hell am I supposed to do with you? With…this?” He gestured between them. “Don’t tell me it’s never come up before.”
If it weren’t so serious, it’d be funny. “You mean a straight guy having a hard-on for me?” At Dave’s sharp look, Jake sobered. “It’s never come to this. Which leads me to believe you’re not as straight as you’d like to be.”
“You don’t know shit about me!” Dave snapped harshly. “Fuck you!”
“We tried that, remember? Didn’t seem to work for you.”
The more Dave sputtered, the more Jake relaxed. He sipped his coffee and waited for the next volley in the game.
“How do you know what works for me?”
“I don’t. I’m just guessing here, but all the evidence seems to point in the direction of the big “F.” Including the fact that you haven’t denied it.”
Fuck if he was going to keep protecting Dave from himself. Someone had to rip the bandage off. Better him than some random Joe who didn’t give a damn like Jake did. Whatever else was going to happen, he didn’t want to hurt Dave. Because god dammit, despite his best efforts not to, he cared what happened to him
“Must be nice to be so certain of everything.” Bitterness edged Dave’s voice, and something hard crumbled inside Jake’s chest.
“Who said anything about being certain? Only death and taxes are certain.” He took another swig of his coffee. “Look, how about we start with what happened the last time we saw each other. Tell me why you took off. Help me understand.”
Dave sighed and leaned back, his eyes hooded. “The first and only serious relationship I had was with a girl named Jenny in college. Smart, funny, beautiful…I loved her. I thought she loved me. She bowled me over completely. It didn’t work out, obviously, because she found someone she was really into, and frankly, I didn’t think I deserved a girl like her, so I wasn’t surprised when she dumped me. I wasn’t like you…a jock, buff, tough, sure of himself. I was just the nerdy kid who liked to write and was good at it.”
He reached for his cup and took a long swallow. “I never for one second, in all the years since she left me, thought there was anything else to know about who I was sexually. Then I walked into your house, and the whole fucking universe tilted. And two weeks ago, it tipped me over the edge. That’s why.”
No wonder he’s a writer. Even when he’s just describing his feelings, he sounds like some bestselling novel. Fuck, that’s hot!
“So, what am I…a black hole?” A little humor couldn’t hurt, but the look of horror on Dave’s face made Jake wish he hadn’t said anything.
“No! Oh god, no! I don’t mean to say…” stopped, then started again. “I wish I could lose myself in the feelings you wake up inside me. I wish…”
“What you need is to find yourself in those feelings. It’s not a loss to know who you are. It’s a gain.”
Dave finally looked Jake in the eyes, and the blast from those golden orbs seared him. His eyes were bright with emotion as he answered.
“Two weeks ago, you told me my feelings were my problem, not yours. Why do you care now?”
How do you tell a guy you’re falling for that you’re as broken as he is, just in a different way? Where do you start? Jake took another calming swallow of coffee and put the cup down, clasping his hands before him on the table. Start with the history, like he did.
“I’ve always known, since I first started being interested in sex, that I liked guys. That wasn’t the issue. And it wasn’t an issue either when I fell for the man who decided, after we’d been seeing each other for almost a year, that he couldn’t be with me. Doesn’t matter why, except that he was letting his fear decide our future. I was deployed at the time, so it hit me extra hard, because I couldn’t see him face to face to try and change his mind. So, I buried myself in work, in fighting, in being the best damned soldier I could be. My parents didn’t know about the breakup until after I was discharged. No one knew. If he could dismiss me, I could dismiss him.”
He looked away, out the window to the street, then looked back at Dave. “Then a little o
ver two years ago, I lost my team in a surprise attack. I’ve been living with the guilt of that and anger over my busted-up body ever since. So, when you showed up at my house a month ago, I had been emotionally and physically messed up for a long time. I wasn’t prepared for you, either. But there you were, calling to me. I had a choice…I still do. I could walk away, dismiss the feelings as just lust, ignore the rest of what was happening to me, and find a way forward. Or I could let you in and see what developed.”
He sighed heavily. “When you ran off two weeks ago, everything I knew about a man who’s afraid to own his feelings came rushing back. I’ve spent the last five years making sure no one has the chance to do that to me again.”
“So, what’s the verdict?”
“That depends. Are you ready to stop avoiding this, to face it head on?”
Jake watched Dave think. His skin felt clammy with fear that he had bared his soul to a guy who was going to destroy what little peace of mind he was finally beginning to feel. He relaxed his clenched fists, and breathed slowly, willing himself to remain calm.
“Yes.”
Relief pricked his skin like sharp needles. “Okay. I have a few appointments next week, most of them out of town. But I’ll be back in the city on Monday morning. Want to meet up then? Maybe we can have lunch together?”
“Sure. Tell me where you’re going and I’ll meet you there. Then we can decide on a lunch spot after.”
“Grab your coffee and I’ll show you.” Jake stood up immediately and they walked out together. “Where’s your ride?”
“I took the subway.”
“Ever been on a bike?”
“A time or two. Why?”
“I’ll take you home.”
Jake braced himself to feel Dave at his back and shuddered at the touch of his body, though Dave didn’t cling. Though he had no clear idea what he would do after Monday, he knew he had to do this now. He wasn’t one for delaying the inevitable, and Dave would have to know sooner rather than later, if they were to get anywhere. He rode into the lower part of the city and they stopped before a dry cleaner’s shop. Next to it was the door to an unmarked establishment.