by Quinn Ward
I crossed my fingers while I waited for a reply. Matt said something to me, but I waved him off. This was more important than him rattling off the stats on his latest capture. Finally, the little dots appeared on the screen.
That’s a great idea, buddy. I’ll ask Brandon.
“Yes!” I fist pumped and did a little dance. Tonight was going to be awesome, as long as Brandon said they could go.
“What’s got you so excited?” I pursed my lips together, not sure if it was okay for me to say anything yet. I didn’t want to get his hopes up and then have Brandon tell Jay it was something he couldn’t do. That would crush Matt, and I didn’t want to hurt my friend. But he’d love it there, and that would make him happy.
“Nothing,” I lied. Matt gave my shoulder a playful shove. “I’d tell you if I could, but I can’t. Not yet at least. If that changes, I will definitely tell you and you’ll know why I’m so happy.”
“I hate it when you talk in riddles,” Matt grumbled.
Daddy sent another text reminding me to be home in thirty minutes for dinner. I responded that we’d be there, then closed out my text app. “We need to head back toward home.”
“Seriously?” Matt held up his phone and flicked his finger in some elaborate move in the game. I wasn’t nearly as serious about it as he was, and I just swiped up when I wanted to play. For me, it was more about being out and doing something other than my stats. He, on the other hand, was obsessed.
“Yeah, seriously.” I tried sounding as stern as I possibly could, but given the way Matt held in his laughter, I was pretty sure I’d failed. “There might be a surprise later, but we won’t get it if we keep Jay and Brandon waiting for dinner.”
“What kind of surprise?” Matt pressed when I didn’t give him any details.
I tugged on his arm and started walking in the opposite direction. “The kind you’ll like. Come on.”
My belly flipped a little when we got home, and I saw my new plastic divider plate on the counter. No one in the suite knew about my little stuff. Sure, Matt knew about the toys and my blankie, but the things that couldn’t be explained away were always hidden.
“Daddy,” I whispered, tugging him into the hallway. “What are you doing? They’re going to see.”
“That’s the whole point, buddy.” He wrapped his arms around me and started rubbing my back as he kissed the side of my head. “This is home and you deserve to be comfortable here. And you can be with them. They know you’re little and they still want to hang out. Plus, maybe you can help Brandon understand what being little is like. You were so good about helping me understand.”
That changed things. Daddy wasn’t just doing this for me, he was trying to be a good friend. If Brandon saw that being little was just part of who I was, then maybe he’d see that Matt could be little and still be his boyfriend. I stood up straight, keeping my shoulders back as I looked up at Jay. “That’s a very good idea. But then Matty should have a divider plate, too. If he wants one, I mean. Can I ask him?”
“Let’s not push them too hard right away,” Daddy suggested. “Remember how scared you were when I knew about your binkie? I bet it’s even harder for them because Matt didn’t learn as much as you did.”
I didn’t want to use my special plate if Matty couldn’t have one, too. He might be upset that I was trying to be braggy about the things Daddy bought for me. But Daddy was really smart about these things, and he knew better how it felt to be confused and curious all at the same time. So, I was going to listen to him.
Brandon and Matt both turned back to the food in front of them when we approached the table. Matt looked up at me and smiled. “Brandon said it was okay for me to have chicken nuggets with you!”
“That’s awesome!” And it was. I loved seeing him happy. He curled an arm around his plate like he expected Brandon to change his mind and take the food away from him. Jay grabbed our plates and set mine down in front of me before going back into the kitchen to get drinks. My eyes lit up when he brought back two cups of chocolate milk, setting one in front of me and the other in front of Matty. “Chocolate milk’s a treat. We probably get it tonight because we were home on time.”
“But that’s not the surprise, right?” Matty frowned when I squirted the empty section of my plate full of ketchup. “That’s gross.”
“Matt.” Oh yeah, Brandon was going to be a good Daddy. He had the growly, grumpy voice perfected. “Don’t make him feel bad. Just because you don’t like ketchup doesn’t mean others don’t.”
“But it’s like a gallon of it on his plate.” Matty was definitely a little brat. I didn’t feel bad. He was acting out, trying to get a rise out of his Daddy and it was working. He pushed away from the table and got the ranch dressing for his nuggets.
I scrunched up my face when he poured some on the edge of his plate. That was yucky. It looked like cum and tasted like garlic. No thank you. Matty stuck out his tongue. “Just because you don’t like ranch doesn’t mean others don’t,” he said, parroting Brandon’s words.
“Matthew, you may want to watch it,” Brandon scolded him, sounding even more stern this time. “If you want anything other than bedtime with a documentary, I suggest you apologize. Chase is trying to be a good friend and you’re being a little shit.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to say bad words,” Matt chided him. I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to get his attention. This was not how you earned a fun punishment. He looked at me and shrugged. “What? I’m just sayin’. But I’m sorry for being a butthead.”
“It’s okay, I’m getting used to it.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook, but it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I knew he was just teasing. “Does that mean we’re…you know?”
Matt still didn’t know where we were going tonight. Or at least I hoped we were, because Matty was going to think the playroom was awesome. I was going to be mad if he messed this up for us.
“As long as someone watches his attitude,” Brandon replied, quirking an eyebrow as he glanced at Matt.
“Oh, come on! Does everyone but me know?” Matt complained. With a simple look, Brandon silenced him from any further whining. Matt shoved three nuggets into his mouth, crossed his arms over his chest, and pouted.
“Eat, instead of talking back, then maybe your Daddy will tell you where we’re going,” I suggested. Brandon’s fork clattered as he dropped it on the plate. Jay was staring at me, mouth hanging open. It was the first time any of us had openly acknowledged that we knew what they were up to. I paused with a chicken nugget inches away from my mouth. “What? It’s true. If you guys can’t even say things out loud, then maybe going tonight is a bad idea.”
Jay smiled widely. He gave me a subtle nod, letting me know he was proud of me. I was proud of me, too. It was sometimes hard to believe I’d been scared out of my mind to let anyone see me little. Ash. My little side wasn’t some vague concept anymore, I was Jay’s Ash when I was little. And it was because of him that I was able to explore regressing further, faster than I’d ever imagined possible.
I hurried through my own dinner. I wanted time to talk to Daddy about what was going to happen tonight. I was excited about going to the club, but I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable being little around Matt and Brandon just yet. It was a big step for me. My head knew they wouldn’t say anything, but that did little to ease my anxiety.
“May I be excused?” I asked when my plate was clean. It was a habit I’d picked up when we were at Gen’s house on the weekends. Jay’s mom was super cool about me being little and she went out of her way to pretend it was totally normal. Brandon shot me a quick glance then went overboard pretending like he wasn’t listening to our interaction. Matty, on the other hand, kept glancing at each of us, his expression turning sad when he looked to Brandon. I reached out, giving his hand a quick squeeze, hoping he knew it would all be okay.
“Yes. Take your plate to the kitchen and rinse off all that extra ketchup. Next time, maybe don’t waste so much
of it, okay?”
“Sorry,” I apologized as I pushed back from the table. Remembering my manners, I halted, turning back. “Thank you for dinner, Brandon. It was yummy.”
“You’re welcome, buddy.” He and Matt had both picked up on the nickname Jay used for me. He rarely called me by my name anymore. I was his buddy when we were in mixed company. Those who were still in the dark thought it was just one of those names people threw out without thought. Jay had asked me last week if I was okay with Matt and Brandon using it. I’d thought about it for a few seconds, then decided I was definitely cool because they knew my secret. “Head into the bedroom and work on your homework. I know damn well you have at least one assignment due.”
“I do,” I grumbled. I was lucky he was still letting me play tonight. Since he’d found out about me waking up early to do my school work, he’d been strict about checking my assignments against the notebook I kept, and he didn’t let me out of his arms at night until the alarm buzzed on his nightstand.
Jay reached out and captured my arm to pull me close as I passed him. He pulled me onto his lap and pressed his face to my chest. He crooked a finger, urging my head closer to his. After kissing his way up my neck, he whispered, “I’m very proud of you, baby. You’re a good friend.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” There wasn’t much in the world that felt better than hearing him say he was proud of me. Being naughty was fun but being good was so much better. If I was brave tonight, maybe I could convince him to have sex again when we got home. That didn’t have to be something we saved for the weekends.
18
Jayden
“Do you have my blankie in case I need it?” Chase was wound tight. His words said he was excited about showing Matt the playroom, but I knew him well enough at this point to know he was nervous about going back there. He was comfortable being little behind closed doors, but it was much different to take it into a public arena.
“Yes, and your Evie and Pika. I have everything you might want,” I repeated, trying to keep my tone level.
“But I don’t have to be little if I decide I’m not ready?” We’d compromised with him wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a striped tee. It wasn’t little, per se, but it wasn’t something he typically wore, either. And I hadn’t missed the way he eyed my backpack while I’d been getting him dressed. We both knew there were a couple of diapers in there just in case he felt like he wanted them during the week. And yeah, I’d considered suggesting he wear one tonight, but I hadn’t wanted to push him that far out of his comfort zone.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, buddy,” I reassured him. Again. “You know I’ll never push you further than I think you can handle.”
He snatched his binkie off the mattress and shoved it into his mouth. I wasn’t sure if he was sucking on it or biting it. Something had been off since I walked into the room, but I wasn’t sure how to bring up the tension between us. It felt different than it had at the start of our relationship when he was insecure about being little around me. He muttered something; the words garbled by the pacifier. I stopped, replaying the statement in my mind to try and decipher it.
He couldn’t have said what my brain translated it as, could he? I spun around, leaning against the side of my bed, trying to come across as unaffected. “Care to repeat that without the binkie?”
Chase swallowed hard and shook his head. He clutched his bedtime blankie between his hands, scooting to the back of his mattress so he could sit with his back against the wall.
Oh hell no. That shit wasn’t going to fly. I didn’t care if he was little or big, I wasn’t going to let him get away with making sarcastic comments, and the fact he was so nervous once he realized I’d heard him told me I wasn’t going to like whatever it was. “Let me rephrase that. What did you say, Chase?”
I crossed the room in two steps and pulled the pacifier from his mouth. He immediately started chewing on the corner of his thumb. Something felt very off, but I couldn’t figure out what.
“I don’t want to ruin tonight,” he explained, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Let’s go have fun with our friends and we can talk about it later.”
“Or we can talk about it now, that way whatever you’re upset about isn’t pulling both of us down,” I countered. There was no way he’d be able to let go and play if he was worried about what would happen after. He worried far less than he did when he first moved in, but he still let shit get to him. The upside was, at least now he was willing to talk shit out, and more likely to speak his mind.
I hopped onto Chase’s bed and draped an arm over his shoulders. “What happened between dinner and now, buddy? If you don’t tell me, I can’t fix it.”
“But if I do tell you, it might ruin everything.” As he snuggled into my side, he tucked his chin to his chest, compacting his body even more.
“The only thing that could hurt us is not talking.” It was something William had drilled into me long before I ever approached him about the kinky stuff. When we sat down for a little education—pun intended—he repeated it so many times I wanted to roll my eyes. But he had a point. And both of us had forgotten that advice recently. “We’re not leaving this room until you tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Why won’t you have sex with me again?” Chase blurted out. “Was it that bad?”
His voice cracked and I held him tighter. “Oh, baby, no. How could you think it wasn’t good? Did you not enjoy it?”
Chase lifted his gaze. His mouth gaped open. “Of course, I did. I mean, it hurt but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a good time.”
“Then why would you think it was bad?”
“Because every time I’ve tried starting something, you’ve stopped me. Sometimes, it feels like you enjoy me being little but don’t want to be my boyfriend.” That admission was like a knife to the heart. It was hard to breathe. I kissed the top of his head.
I pulled Chase onto my lap so that he straddled my legs. He was rigid, leaning back slightly. That wasn’t going to work for me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close enough I could bury my face against his chest.
When I woke up the morning after our first time, I was upset. I thought about how I could tell him it made me uncomfortable when he’d suggested going bare, but every time I played out the scenario in my mind, it went horribly wrong. Then, he woke up and I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to devote the day to letting him have some free time in his little space. After that, it was back to school and the mountains of homework, and there hadn’t been a good time.
I’d convinced myself I just needed time and the solution would come to me, but I saw now that was a lie. I’d hurt both of us by not speaking up.
“There is one thing,” I admitted, hoping I wasn’t about to ruin everything. The worst-case scenario my mind kept looping back to was that he’d think I wasn’t serious about him. I was, one hundred percent, but what he’d asked me for, in the heat of the moment, was a huge deal. Maybe that was exactly how I needed to explain it to him. “We’d talked about…things ahead of time, and it threw me for a loop when you told me I didn’t need the condom.”
“Because I know you’re on PrEP and I’ve never been with anyone,” Chase explained. “I saw the bottle on your dresser.”
“I get it, but that doesn’t mean I have a free pass to fuck bare.” When I’d asked about going on the preventative med, both my doctor and my mom had been blunt about the fact it didn’t protect me or my partners from everything. Mom agreed to pay for it, only after I promised her that I would be responsible and only ditch the condoms when it felt right. And even though part of me wanted to know if it would feel different, there wasn’t anything telling me Chase and I had reached that point.
“But I haven’t been with anyone but you,” he repeated.
“And I have.” I tightened my grip when he stilled, then tried pulling away. We weren’t going to run from this. The truth of the matter was I had a past. I h
adn’t always made the smartest, safest decisions, and it was through sheer dumb luck that I’d never had anything bad happen. All my tests came back negative, and even now, I was routinely tested to make sure it stayed that way. I’d never forgive myself if we took the plunge and I unknowingly passed something on to him. “I really thought we were on the same page. Having you ask me for that when we were both turned on, didn’t feel good. I knew I needed to talk to you about it so it didn’t happen again, but I couldn’t figure out how to say something without you getting upset.”
“At some point, you have to trust me, Jay.” Chase combed his fingers into my hair, tilting my head back as he looked down at me. “Yes, I hand over a lot of control to you. No, I’m not as experienced as you are—in bed or out of it. But I am a functional adult. If I do or say something that upsets you, you have to talk about it. When you pull away, I’m going to think you don’t want to be with me, and that hurts.”
“It hurts me, too,” I admitted. “I don’t ever want you thinking you’re a burden or that I’m only here out of convenience. I meant it when I said I love you. And eventually, maybe we will go bare, but it will only be after talking about it when we’re both fully clothed.”
“That’s fair.” Chase wrapped his arms around the back of my head, pulling me to his chest. I felt guarded and safe in his embrace. I’d built this conversation to be something big and scary in my head, but yet again, my brave boy listened and proved me wrong. “And, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry if you felt like I was trying to manipulate you. You’re right, we had talked about it, and it wasn’t fair of me. And I don’t know how I would have felt if you had listened to me. It’s one of those things I’ve always thought about doing, and we love each other, so I let the fantasy take hold in my mind.”
“And we will get there,” I promised him. I refused to plant any seeds of doubt in his mind now that we both seemed more relaxed. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it sooner.”