by Quinn Ward
“We’ll get there,” he said, parroting my reassurance back to me. He scooted down my legs and out of my grasp. “But, right now, we need to get ready to go. I want to show Matt the playroom!”
I envied his ability to let go so easily. Yes, he had been upset, but looking at him as he shoved his binkie into the backpack, you’d never know it. Meanwhile, my mind was reeling, both with relief that it had gone better than expected and fear that we wouldn’t come out of this unscathed. I couldn’t help it; I wasn’t used to life going my way.
If there’d been any doubt that Matt had little tendencies, they’d have vanished within minutes of getting to The Lodge. While Brandon and I went to the bar to grab a round of drinks, Chase had taken Matt by the hand and dragged him into the playroom. It was a quiet night, which probably worked to everyone’s advantage.
Brandon and I settled in at the lounge area of the playroom, although settled may have been a bit of a stretch. Brandon looked about ready to crawl out of his skin. The only reason I didn’t turn around and walk out was the way he looked at Matt. It was the same expression I got when Ash was engrossed in play. Tonight, a man close to our age walked around, crouching to make sure the littles were having fun. When two littles started fighting over a stuffie, the guy intervened, calling over their Daddies when they kept fighting.
“It’s weird, right?” Brandon asked, still watching our boys playing with another boy. They seemed to be creating an entire city of skyscrapers on top of a rug decorated with roads. “Not like bad weird, but it’s strange that I’m happy for him. I can’t remember the last time I saw him so calm.”
“I get what you’re saying,” I said, letting him off the hook. His rambling wasn’t anything I hadn’t thought myself in the early days. Chase looked over his shoulder. When I smiled at him, he glanced down at the backpack. He’d done that a few times now, and I wondered if he needed a little nudge. “Hang on.”
I sat on the floor behind Chase. He scooted onto my lap, tilting his head back to rest on my shoulder. I hugged him, rubbing circles on his belly. He giggled when I kissed my way up his neck. “You having fun, buddy?”
“Yeah. Matty’s a good sharer. And this is Teo. He’s little like me.” Teo looked up when he heard his name, offering me a shy wave. I smiled back at him and he quickly looked away. “He’s very brave, though. He doesn’t hide his binkie and his Daddy gave him a sippy cup.”
“You’re brave, too,” I reminded him, snatching his hand away from his mouth. While sucking on his thumb was cute, he’d recently started chewing on the skin at the corner of his nail and it was raw. “If you want your binkie, I can get it for you.”
Chase glanced at Matt. Proving he was a good friend, Matt shifted closer and took Chase’s other hand. “It’s okay if you want it. I’m jealous you get to have one. Maybe someday I’ll be brave, too.”
“You will be.” Chase crawled off my lap and gave Matt a big hug. “You were scared to show your Daddy your little side, but you started. Finding a Daddy who loves you isn’t easy, but you have one. I bet he’d buy you all sorts of surprises if you tell him what you want.”
“Maybe,” Matt mumbled.
I left them alone while I grabbed the backpack. Brandon watched me as I pulled Chase’s blanket and cup out of the main pocket. “Man, it’s like a diaper bag.”
“That’s exactly what it is,” I told him. He gaped at me, and it took me a few seconds too long to figure out how I’d shocked him. I closed the bag quickly when he tried to peek inside. Some things weren’t for sharing. “To most people, it looks like a typical backpack but it’s an easy way to take his gear when we go out.”
“And that’s not strange to you?” Ugh. I was starting to despise that word. I knew Brandon wasn’t being a judgmental fuck, but if he said it any louder, some of the boys were going to overhear and they’d be upset. That was not going to happen.
“No, it’s not,” I responded flatly. I left him hanging long enough to slip Chase his mini Pika and his cup of juice. If he wanted to use them, they were there. Otherwise, he could keep them tucked under the table and no one would know the difference. I needed to get this out while it was just us bigs, so to speak. I turned to face Brandon when I sat down next to him on the couch. “Listen, I know you feel like you’re diving into the deep end, but you have to be very careful about what you say and how you say it. You said yourself that Matt looks like he’s having a good time tonight. How do you think he’d react if he’s just starting to learn things about himself and he hears you saying it’s weird or strange, or whatever other adjective you come up with?
“Yes, it was a little bit odd at first to know Chase likes letting go of the adult world. I’m not sure if it made things easier or harder for us, but Chase wasn’t the one to tell me,” I admitted because I didn’t want Brandon thinking it had been something Chase blurted out and I’d automatically accepted it.
I’d spent most of that weekend staring at the pacifier on my nightstand while I tried figuring out how I was going to bring it up with him. If anyone had snooped in my search history, they’d have wondered what I was doing. I’d even considered talking to William about it, but he’d been busy at the club and, at the time, I hadn’t been prepared for his meddling version of help. “If I’d left it up to him, I’m pretty sure I’d still be in the dark. And let me say, I’d rather learn how to deal with all of his gear and how to take care of him than think about what it would be like living across the room from someone who was scared to show his true colors.”
“I guess I didn’t think about it that way,” Brandon admitted. He sat back, watching the boys playing as he rubbed his palm against his cheek. His gaze never drifted from them as he spoke. “Seeing him down there is like looking back in time. It’s different for us, you know, because we’ve been friends as long as I can remember. I wonder if he’s always been little and just didn’t have the words for it until Chase came along. Whenever we go home, he still pulls out his old toys when we’re hanging out in the basement at his parents’ place, and he somehow goads me into watching these stupid cartoons I hadn’t even remembered. I thought it was just him fighting adulthood.”
“In a way, it might be,” I suggested. “But that doesn’t make it any less valid. The question is, what are you going to do about it now that you know?”
“Drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to be the Daddy he wants.” Brandon hung his head, clasping his fingers behind his neck. “Fuck, I feel like an ass for teasing him when he started calling me that. I swear, I thought it was just him trying to get a rise out of me.”
“Again, with Matt, it might be.” We both laughed. There was little doubt in my mind that Brandon had a much different type of boy on his hands than I did. For every ounce of sweet that made up Chase, there was double the amount of mouthy brat in Matt. It was going to be fun seeing both of them come out of their shells.
19
Chase
“Babe, talk to me.” Jay climbed into my bed. I’d been hiding out in here since we got home from a disastrous trip to the mall. Daniel had asked if we wanted to go with them before everyone took off for spring break, and I’d let Jay convince me it wouldn’t be that bad.
I’d steered clear of Dainel’s roommate, Zach, since he’d walked in on Matt and I talking about the game we’d been playing on our phones and he’d decided to go on a rant about how only immature little punks played Pokémon. Matt saw how hurt I’d been, and he’d gotten me back to my room so he could explain to Jay what happened. But the damage was done. Since then, I’d kept mostly to our room or Matt’s room, only venturing to the common areas when I knew they weren’t home.
Today was supposed to be Zach’s way of apologizing to me but, based on the snickers I heard when he thought he was being quiet, nothing had changed. He still thought I was some pathetic loser. Jay and Daniel had both put him in his place, but they didn’t realize that only made things even worse. I could almost hear him the next time he caught me alone, tellin
g me how weak I was because I needed my boyfriend to rescue me.
All I’d wanted to do was see if the pop culture store had a new vinyl figurine in stock. Well, and I hadn’t even wanted to do that; I’d told Jay we could wait until some other time, but he knew from my complaining how quickly the limited-edition figures sold out and insisted we take a look. That had been a mistake. Not only did I walk out empty-handed, but there had been some sort of tension between Zach and Daniel after that.
No matter what anyone said, I didn’t believe that I hadn’t ruined the mood.
I pulled a pillow over my head. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, not even Jay. I wanted to sulk in peace and maybe take a nap before we had to go to his mom’s for dinner. Tonight was supposed to be a happy time, but if I didn’t adjust my attitude, I was going to be a downer there, too.
“Nope, that’s not going to work.” Jay curled himself around me, pulling me close so my back pressed against his chest. “You can’t let Zach get to you. He’s an ass, but I know he’d be upset if he knew his words actually hurt you.”
“Then maybe he should think before he speaks,” I grumbled. Now I was mad. I was not going to feel bad for him. He was the one who left me questioning myself. And that was stupid. I had a Daddy who loved me, friends who accepted me as I was, and even if my birth family didn’t understand me, I was quickly coming to accept Jay’s family as my own. They accepted me and didn’t treat me like I was a freak for being happier when I was little. Sometimes, it felt like they gave me the strength to be myself.
“You’re right, he should,” Jay agreed. “But that’s not all that’s going on, is it?”
No, it wasn’t. “I don’t want to go home. I know I have to because campus housing is closed next week but I hate it. I want to stay with you at your mom’s house where I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”
My body shook and tears filled my eyes. My family was expecting me home, but with every hour closer we got to me having to say goodbye to Jay, the more I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. When I was with Jay, I felt alive. I didn’t have to hide my little side; I could embrace it.
Even when his mom was home, Ash never got locked in a box. But I wouldn’t have that freedom once Jay dropped me off at the bus stop tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t dare take anything that could give away my secrets while I was home. They had a hard enough time dealing with their gay son, they’d never wrap their narrow-minded heads around me being little. No, all of my gear would stay with Jay, and he’d already promised me we’d stay a couple of nights at his mom’s once classes resumed so I could have all the little time I needed to feel centered again.
“What if I come with you?” he offered. It wasn’t the first time, but unlike every other time he’d made the suggestion, this afternoon I didn’t immediately shoot him down.
He’d taken me home with him every weekend. Maybe I could tell my family I wanted them to meet him since his family had helped me get through this semester. Or maybe I could be brave and admit to them that he was the center of my world and I couldn’t imagine hiding him away from them, even if that meant they told us to get out of their house so I didn’t infect my siblings with the gay.
“If you truly don’t want to see your family, you know my mom wouldn’t have any problem with both of us staying there.” Of course, she wouldn’t; Gen was the type of mom every gay kid wished they had. Every weekend, there were more of my favorite treats in the cupboards, and she always made sure meals were little-friendly without fanfare. I felt totally normal when I was with Jay and his mom. “But I know you miss your siblings. So, if you want to see them, we’ll go together.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” I protested. “Your mom was counting on you being there to help her finish the landscaping out front.”
“And she’ll understand if you need me there with you,” he insisted. “She loves you almost as much as I do, babe. She’d be more upset if I stayed home to help her when you need me, than if we have to wait on digging up the last couple of flower beds.”
“I want to say yes, but I don’t want you infected with their brand of crazy,” I admitted. Even when I still lived at home, I was always cautious about bringing anyone into the circus. I truly believed my parents had good hearts, but they really needed someone to go back in time and have a discussion with them about birth control. They had no business having seven kids, and with every addition to the house, I was pushed a little further to the side. And now, they honestly thought the little bits I’d admitted to them about last semester were a cry for attention because they’d neglected me.
“If you want to say yes, then I’ll pack a bag and go with you.”
“They’re going to freak about us sharing a room if I tell them we’re dating.”
“Okay, so then we either don’t tell them and I’ll sleep on the floor in your room, or we tell them and I’ll sleep on the couch,” Jay said as if it was a no-brainer. Both of those solutions sounded like torture. I’d almost rather he be comfortable at home than close enough to touch but off-limits. He held me even tighter. “You should know by now I’d do just about anything if it makes you feel safe.”
“But why?” The past few months had been a fantasy come to life, and a small part of me worried Jay would realize he was better off without me once we were apart. If I admitted that and it was true, then maybe it was for the best that we go through this short test before summer came.
Jayden kissed the back of my neck. His hand slipped under the hem of my t-shirt, but the touch was anything but sensual. This was him trying to get as close to me as possible. “Because I love you. Believe me, I’m pretty sure no one’s more surprised about that than me. When I came back to school after winter break, I was looking forward to having the room to myself. I was pissed when you came waltzing in like you belonged here. I didn’t want to like you, much less find you irresistible. But, without even realizing it, you broke down all the walls I had up. You made me realize there was more to life than studying. Now, I hate the idea of being away from you when you might need me. And maybe that makes me the asshole, because I should want you to see how strong and independent you are, but I love that you need me sometimes.”
“All the time,” I corrected him as I flipped over to face him. “There’s never a time when I don’t need you, but I do know I’d survive without you for a week. The problem is, I don’t want to. I want to have the type of family where I could take you home without having to worry about what my parents might say about you, or that they’d treat you like the deviant who corrupted their son.”
Of all the reactions I anticipated through this conversation, Jay laughing his butt off wasn’t anywhere on the list. I gave his shoulder a playful shove, scooting as far as I could before my butt hit the wall. “What’s so funny?”
“Baby, you have to admit that if one of us corrupted the other, you’d win that one,” he said, still giggling adorably. “I was sweet and innocent until your kinky self moved into my room.”
“You might have been vanilla, but I highly doubt you’ve been innocent for years,” I shot back. No one was as good as he was at edging their partner or getting off without penetration without experience. And, if we were spending tonight at his mom’s and I didn’t have to get up at dawn to catch a bus, I was going to make sure we didn’t waste that time together. “Besides, you should remember that I’ve met your uncle. I highly doubt you were some delicate wallflower before I walked into the room.”
“Fair enough,” Jay conceded. He hopped out of the bed and started pulling clothes out of his dresser. “So, is there anything I need to know before we head to your parents’ place? Will they be offended by my snarky tees? Do I need to pack church clothes?”
“Church clothes?” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and gaped at him. “Why would you do that? And what are church clothes?”
“You know, dressy shit you can wear to church. If you tell me I need a suit and tie we’re shit out of luck, but I a
m capable of being presentable when needed.”
“No, you don’t need anything like that. Other than sending us to Sunday School, which I’m pretty sure was just so they had a couple of hours without having to deal with us, I can’t remember the last time my parents dragged us to church on Sunday.” I hopped off the bed. If Jay wasn’t going to let me wallow, I might as well finish packing so we could head to his mom’s for dinner.
“I honestly have no clue what your family’s like, other than the little bits you’ve told me,” Jay admitted. “I know you worry about them knowing we’re together, so I sort of assumed they were hardcore religious or something.”
“Nope, just neurotic as hell,” I admitted. “My mom is high-strung. She obsesses about what might happen to her kids, which is why they had a problem with me moving away for school. She wanted to keep me where she could keep an eye on me.”
“And, let me guess, that’s why you wanted to get away?”
He gets it in one. “Yeah. I knew I’d never be able to explore things if I was worried about my mom barging into my dorm room uninvited. And she totally would have. The only reason she hasn’t descended on us unannounced is because my dad started a new job and she’s had to be there to take care of the kids. I suppose it’s a good thing Colin’s been giving them fits, otherwise she’d have left him in charge so she could check up on me.”
Jay shrugged. “I can deal with that. I thought we were going to be subjected to a lecture about how they feared for our souls if we didn’t repent our sinful ways.”
“I kind of like our sinful ways,” I admitted. It was crazy how much better I felt when Jay distracted me. I wasn’t eager to head out to the common area and jump into a cuddle pile with Zach and Daniel or anything, but I wasn’t so worried about what they thought of me. Jay was the one who mattered, and he was currently packing my special backpack. “That’s staying at your mom’s, right?”