Complete Works of Jane Austen

by Jane Austen

  “Not a very common one Mary, surely,” (said I). She paused, and after some moments silence went on —

  “How should you like to marry Mr. Watts, Sophy?”

  I winked at Sophy, and replied for her. “Who is there but must rejoice to marry a man of three thousand a year ?”

  “Very true (she replied), That’s very true. So you would have him if he would offer, Georgiana, and would you Sophy?”

  Sophy did not like the idea of telling a lie and deceiving her Sister; she prevented the first and saved half her conscience by equivocation.

  “I should certainly act just as Georgiana would do.”

  “Well then,” said Mary, with triumph in her Eyes, “I have had an offer from Mr. Watts.”

  We were of course very much surprised; “Oh! do not accept him,” said I, “and then perhaps he may have me.”

  In short, my scheme took, and Mary is resolved to do that to prevent our supposed happiness, which she would not have done to ensure it in reality. Yet after all, my Heart cannot acquit me and Sophy is even more scrupulous. Quiet our Minds, my dear Anne, by writing and telling us you approve our conduct. Consider it well over. Mary will have real pleasure in being a married Woman, and able to chaperone us, which she certainly shall do, for I think myself bound to contribute as much as possible to her happiness in a State I have made her choose. They will probably have a new Carriage, which will be paradise to her, and if we can prevail on Mr. W. to set up his Phaeton, she will be too happy. These things, however, would be no consolation to Sophy or me for domestic Misery. Remember all this, and do not condemn us.

  Friday.

  Last night, Mr. Watts by appointment drank tea with us. As soon as his Carriage stopped at the Door, Mary went to the Window.

  “Would you beleive it, Sophy (said she) the old Fool wants to have his new Chaise just the colour of the old one, and hung as low too. But it shan’t — I will carry my point. And if he won’t let it be as high as the Duttons’, and blue spotted with silver, I won’t have him. Yes I will too. Here he comes. I know he’ll be rude; I know he’ll be ill-tempered and won’t say one civil thing to me! nor behave at all like a Lover.” She then sat down and Mr. Watts entered.

  “Ladies, your most obedient.” We paid our Compliments and he seated himself.

  “Fine weather, Ladies.” Then turning to Mary, “Well, Miss Stanhope, I hope you have at last settled the Matter in your own mind; and will be so good as to let me know whether you will condescend to marry me or not.”

  “I think, Sir (said Mary) You might have asked in a genteeler way than that. I do not know whether I shall have you if you behave so odd.”

  “Mary!” (said my Mother). “Well, Mama, if he will be so cross...”

  “Hush, hush, Mary, you shall not be rude to Mr. Watts.”

  “Pray Madam, do not lay any restraint on Miss Stanhope by obliging her to be civil. If she does not choose to accept my hand, I can offer it else where, for as I am by no means guided by a particular preference to you above your Sisters, it is equally the same to me which I marry of the three.” Was there ever such a Wretch! Sophy reddened with anger and I felt so spiteful!

  “Well then (said Mary in a peevish Accent) I will have you if I must.”

  “I should have thought, Miss Stanhope, that when such Settlements are offered as I have offered to you, there can be no great violence done to the inclinations in accepting of them.” Mary mumbled out something, which I who sat close to her could just distinguish to be “What’s the use of a great Jointure, if Men live forever?” And then audibly “Remember the pin-money; two hundred a year.”

  “A hundred and seventy-five, Madam.”

  “Two hundred indeed, Sir” said my Mother.

  “And Remember, I am to have a new Carriage hung as high as the Duttons’, and blue spotted with silver; and I shall expect a new saddle horse, a suit of fine lace, and an infinite number of the most valuable Jewels. Diamonds such as never were seen, and Pearls, Rubies, Emeralds, and Beads out of number. You must set up your Phaeton, which must be cream-coloured with a wreath of silver flowers round it; You must buy 4 of the finest Bays in the Kingdom and you must drive me in it every day. This is not all; You must entirely new furnish your House after my Taste, You must hire two more Footmen to attend me, two Women to wait on me, must always let me do just as I please and make a very good husband.”

  Here she stopped, I beleive rather out of breath.

  “This is all very reasonable, Mr. Watts, for my Daughter to expect.”

  “And it is very reasonable, Mrs. Stanhope, that your daughter should be disappointed.” He was going on, but Mary interrupted him: “You must build me an elegant Greenhouse and stock it with plants. You must let me spend every Winter in Bath, every Spring in Town, Every Summer in taking some Tour, and every Autumn at a Watering Place, and if we are at home the rest of the year (Sophy and I laughed) You must do nothing but give Balls and Masquerades. You must build a room on purpose and a Theatre to act Plays in. The first Play we have shall be Which is the Man, and I will do Lady Bell Bloomer.”

  “And pray, Miss Stanhope (said Mr. Watts), What am I to expect from you in return for all this.”

  “Expect? Why, you may expect to have me pleased.”

  “It would be odd if I did not. Your expectations, Madam, are too high for me, and I must apply to Miss Sophy, who perhaps may not have raised her’s so much.”

  “You are mistaken, Sir, in supposing so, (said Sophy) for tho’ they may not be exactly in the same Line, yet my expectations are to the full as high as my Sister’s; for I expect my Husband to be good-tempered and Chearful; to consult my Happiness in all his Actions, and to love me with Constancy and Sincerity.”

  Mr. Watts stared. “These are very odd Ideas, truly, young Lady. You had better discard them before you marry, or you will be obliged to do it afterwards.”

  My Mother, in the meantime, was lecturing Mary, who was sensible that she had gone too far, and when Mr. Watts was just turning towards me in order, I beleive, to address me, she spoke to him in a voice half humble, half sulky.

  “You are mistaken, Mr. Watts, if you think I was in earnest when I said I expected so much. However I must have a new Chaise.”

  “Yes, Sir, you must allow that Mary has a right to expect that.”

  “Mrs. Stanhope, I mean and have always meant to have a new one on my Marriage. But it shall be the colour of my present one.”

  “I think, Mr. Watts, you should pay my Girl the compliment of consulting her Taste on such Matters.”

  Mr. Watts would not agree to this, and for some time insisted upon its being a Chocolate colour, while Mary was as eager for having it blue with silver Spots. At length, however, Sophy proposed that to please Mr. W. it should be a dark brown, and to please Mary it should be hung rather high and have a silver Border. This was at length agreed to, tho’ reluctantly on both sides, as each had intended to carry their point entire. We then proceeded to other Matters, and it was settled that they should be married as soon as the Writings could be completed. Mary was very eager for a Special Licence and Mr. Watts talked of Banns. A common Licence was at last agreed on. Mary is to have all the Family Jewels, which are very inconsiderable, I beleive, and Mr. W. promised to buy her a Saddle horse; but in return, she is not to expect to go to Town or any other public place for these three Years. She is to have neither Greenhouse, Theatre, or Phaeton; to be contented with one Maid without an additional Footman. It engrossed the whole Evening to settle these affairs; Mr. W. supped with us and did not go till twelve. As soon as he was gone, Mary exclaimed “Thank Heaven! he’s off at last; how I do hate him!” It was in vain that Mama represented to her the impropriety she was guilty of, in disliking him who was to be her Husband, for she persisted in declaring her aversion to him and hoping she might never see him again. What a Wedding will this be! Adeiu, my dear Anne. Your faithfully Sincere

  GEORGIANA STANHOPE

  FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME


  DEAR ANNE

  Saturday

  Mary, eager to have every one know of her approaching Wedding, and more particularly desirous of triumphing, as she called it, over the Duttons, desired us to walk with her this Morning to Stoneham. As we had nothing else to do, we readily agreed, and had as pleasant a walk as we could have with Mary, whose conversation entirely consisted in abusing the Man she is so soon to marry, and in longing for a blue Chaise spotted with Silver. When we reached the Duttons, we found the two Girls in the dressing-room with a very handsome Young Man, who was of course introduced to us. He is the son of Sir Henry Brudenell of Leicestershire — Mr. Brudenell is the handsomest Man I ever saw in my Life; we are all three very much pleased with him. Mary, who from the moment of our reaching the Dressing-room had been swelling with the knowledge of her own importance, and with the Desire of making it known, could not remain long silent on the Subject after we were seated, and soon addressing herself to Kitty, said,

  “Don’t you think it will be necessary to have all the Jewels new set?”

  “Necessary for what?”

  “For What! Why, for my appearance.”

  “I beg your pardon, but I really do not understand you. What Jewels do you speak of, and where is your appearance to be made?”

  “At the next Ball, to be sure, after I am married.”

  You may imagine their Surprise. They were at first incredulous, but on our joining in the Story, they at last beleived it. “And who is it to?” was of course the first Question. Mary pretended Bashfulness, and answered in Confusion, her Eyes cast down, “to Mr. Watts”. This also required Confirmation from us, for that anyone who had the Beauty and fortune (tho’ small yet a provision) of Mary would willingly marry Mr. Watts, could by them scarcely be credited. The subject being now fairly introduced, and she found herself the object of every one’s attention in company, she lost all her confusion and became perfectly unreserved and communicative.

  “I wonder you should never have heard of it before, for in general things of this Nature are very well known in the Neighbourhood.”

  “I assure you”, said Jemima, “I never had the least suspicion of such an affair. Has it been in agitation long?”

  “Oh! Yes, ever since Wednesday.”

  They all smiled, particularly Mr. Brudenell.

  “You must know Mr. Watts is very much in love with me, so that it is quite a match of affection on his side.”

  “Not on his only, I suppose”, said Kitty.

  “Oh! when there is so much Love on one side, there is no occasion for it on the other. However, I do not much dislike him, tho’ he is very plain to be sure.”

  Mr. Brudenell stared, the Miss Duttons laughed and Sophy and I were heartily ashamed of our Sister. She went on.

  “We are to have a new Postchaise, and very likely may set up our Phaeton.”

  This we knew to be false, but the poor Girl was pleased at the idea of persuading the company that such a thing was to be, and I would not deprive her of so harmless an Enjoyment. She continued,

  “Mr. Watts is to present me with the family Jewels, which I fancy are very considerable.” I could not help whispering Sophy “I fancy not”. “These Jewels are what I suppose must be new set before they can be worn. I shall not wear them till the first Ball I go to after my Marriage. If Mrs. Dutton should not go to it, I hope you will let me chaperone you; I shall certainly take Sophy and Georgiana.”

  “You are very good (said Kitty) and since you are inclined to undertake the Care of young Ladies, I should advise you to prevail on Mrs. Edgecumbe to let you chaprone her six Daughters, which with your two Sisters and ourselves will make your Entrée very respectable.”

  Kitty made us all smile except Mary, who did not understand her Meaning and coolly said that she should not like to chaperone so many. Sophy and I now endeavoured to change the conversation, but succeeded only for a few Minutes, for Mary took care to bring back their attention to her and her approaching Wedding. I was sorry for my Sister’s sake to see that Mr. Brudenell seemed to take pleasure in listening to her account of it, and even encouraged her by his Questions and Remarks, for it was evident that his only Aim was to laugh at her. I am afraid he found her very ridiculous. He kept his Countenance extremely well, yet it was easy to see that it was with difficulty he kept it. At length, however, he seemed fatigued and Disgusted with her ridiculous Conversation, as he turned from her to us, and spoke but little to her for about half an hour before we left Stoneham. As soon as we were out of the House, we all joined in praising the Person and Manners of Mr. Brudenell.

  We found Mr. Watts at home.

  “So, Miss Stanhope (said he) you see I am come a courting in a true Lover like Manner.”

  “Well you need not have told me that. I knew why you came very well.”

  Sophy and I then left the room, imagining of course that we must be in the way, if a Scene of Courtship were to begin. We were surprised at being followed almost immediately by Mary.

  “And is your Courting so soon over?” said Sophy.

  “Courting! (replied Mary) we have been quarrelling. Watts is such a Fool! I hope I shall never see him again.”

  “I am afraid you will, (said I) as he dines here today. But what has been your dispute?”

  “Why, only because I told him that I had seen a Man much handsomer than he was this Morning, he flew into a great Passion and called me a Vixen, so I only stayed to tell him I thought him a Blackguard and came away.”

  “Short and sweet; (said Sophy) but pray, Mary, how will this be made up?”

  “He ought to ask my pardon; but if he did, I would not forgive him.”

  “His Submission, then, would not be very useful.”

  When we were dressed we returned to the Parlour where Mama and Mr. Watts were in close Conversation. It seems that he had been complaining to her of her Daughter’s behaviour, and she had persuaded him to think no more of it. He therefore met Mary with all his accustomed Civility, and except one touch at the Phaeton and another at the Greenhouse, the Evening went off with great Harmony and Cordiality. Watts is going to Town to hasten the preparations for the Wedding.

  I am your affectionate Freind, G.S.

  THE MYSTERY: AN UNFINISHED COMEDY

  DEDICATION

  TO THE REVD GEORGE AUSTEN

  Sir,

  I humbly solicit your Patronage to the following Comedy, which tho’ an unfinished one, is I flatter myself as complete a Mystery as any of its kind.

  I am Sir your most Humle

  Servant

  THE AUTHOR

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  Men

  Women

  Colonel Elliott

  Sir Edward Spangle

  Old Humbug

  Young Humbug

  and Corydon

  Fanny Elliott

  Mrs Humbug

  and Daphne

  ACT THE FIRST

  SCENE THE 1ST

  A Garden.

  Enter Corydon.

  Cory. But Hush! I am interrupted.

  (Exit Corydon)

  Enter Old Humbug and his Son, talking.

  Old Hum. It is for that reason I wish you to follow my advice. Are you convinced of its propriety?

  Young Hum. I am, Sir, and will certainly manner you have pointed out to me. Old Hum. Then let us return to the House.

  (Exeunt)

  SCENE THE 2ND

  A Parlour in Humbug’s House.

  Mrs Humbug and Fanny, discovered at work.

  Mrs Hum. You understand me, my Love?

  Fanny. Perfectly ma’m. Pray continue your narration.

  Mrs Hum. Alas! it is nearly concluded, for I have nothing more to say on the Subject.

  Fanny. Ah! here’s Daphne.

  Enter Daphne.

  Daphne. My dear Mrs Humbug, how d’ye do? Oh! Fanny, t’is all over.

  Fanny. It is indeed!

  Mrs Hum. I’m very sorry to hear it.

  Fanny. Then t’was to no purpose t
hat I ....

  Daphne. None upon Earth.

  Mrs Hum. And what is to become of? .....

  Daphne. Oh! that’s all settled.

  (whispers Mrs Humbug)

  Fanny.And how is it determined?

  Daphne.I’Il tell you.

  (whispers Fanny)

  Mrs Hum. And is he to? ...

  Daphne. I’ll tell you all I know of the matter.

  (whispers Mrs Humbug and Fanny)

  Fanny. Well! now I know everything about it, I’ll go away.

  Mrs Hum. and Daphne. And so will I.

  (Exeunt)

  SCENE THE 3RD

  The Curtain rises and discovers Sir Edward Spangle reclined in an elegant Attitude on a Sofa, fast asleep.

  Enter Colonel Elliott.

  Colonel.My Daughter is not here I see ... there lies Sir Edward ... Shall I tell him the secret? ... No, he’ll certainly blab it. ... But he is asleep and won’t hear me.... So I’ll e’en venture.

  (Goes up to Sir Edward, whispers him, and Exit)

  END OF THE 1ST ACT.

  Finis

  A FRAGMENT

  WRITTEN TO INCULCATE THE PRACTISE OF VIRTUE

  We all know that many are unfortunate in their progress through the world, but we do not know all that are so. To seek them out to study their wants, & to leave them unsupplied is the duty, and ought to be the Business of Man. But few have time, fewer still have inclination, and no one has either the one or the other for such employments. Who amidst those that perspire away their Evenings in crowded assemblies can have leisure to bestow a thought on such as sweat under the fatigue of their daily Labour.

  A beautiful description of the different effects of Sensibility on different Minds