The Secrets We Keep

by Ella Jade

  “Kara.”

  She backed away from me. “I don’t… if Lanie’s her mother then you…”

  “I’m Zoey’s father.”

  “No.” She leaned against the wall. “That can’t be true. You’ve been with us for months. How long have you known?”

  “Lanie didn’t tell me she was pregnant when we broke up. She gave Zoey up for adoption without my consent.”

  “No! There’s no way you could know that. I was told the birth parents didn’t want to be identified.”

  “A few months ago, Kate gave me a letter that Lanie had written to me confessing what she had done. At the time, Kate claimed not to have known what was in the letter but she knew about the adoption.”

  “Stop it!” The tears streamed down her face. “That’s not true. Why are you doing this?”

  “She also knew I would do everything in my power to find my child. She was banking on it and she was right.”

  “You lied to me.” She placed her hand over her mouth. “You already knew who we were in the park that day. You came searching for us. For Zoey.”

  I nodded, ashamed of my actions.

  “Why did you do that?”

  “I never meant to approach you. I was leaving but then Zoey kicked the ball in my direction. Once I saw her, I knew she was mine. I couldn’t walk away.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me who you were?”

  “My lawyer advised me not to contact you but I didn’t listen. I thought I could still salvage what I had done. I fully intended to have her reach out to you and let you know who I was. That I wanted an opportunity to meet Zoey.”

  “You didn’t do that.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Instead, you pretended to be someone you weren’t. You made me believe that you wanted to be with me.”

  “I do want to be with you. What we have isn’t part of my lie.”

  “No, you wanted access to Zoey.” She threw her hands in the air. “I’m so stupid. Now I see why you were so apprehensive in the beginning. I thought it was because you were still mourning the loss of Lanie and you were afraid to get close to me. That wasn’t it at all. You were trying to figure out how to get close to her.”

  “I was walking a fine line. What I was doing was wrong but I never used you to get close to Zoey. My feelings for you have always been genuine.”

  “Do you think I believe that?” She headed for the foyer. “Our whole relationship has been a fraud. How am I going to believe anything you ever say to me?”

  “Because I love you.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I had time to analyze them. I said them because I meant them. There was nothing for me to analyze. They were the truest words I’d ever spoken.

  “What?”

  “This isn’t the best time to tell you that but it’s true. I love you and I love Zoey. I’ve loved her from the moment I saw her. I went about this the wrong way. I never intended for any of this to happen but when I met her in the park that day, she stole my heart. I didn’t know how to handle this. I couldn’t leave her.”

  “Handle what?”

  “As I said, Lanie gave her up. My name isn’t even on the original birth certificate. I don’t have any rights when it comes to my daughter. No one gave me a say.”

  “That’s not my fault.”

  “I’m not saying it is.”

  “Then why did you do this to me?”

  “The more time I spent with you, the more I realized I wanted, no, I needed to be part of your lives.” Taking her wrists, I brought her to me. “You have to believe me when I say, I want the both of you. I may have lied about who I am but I never lied about how I felt.”

  “You want your daughter and you used me to get to her.” She tried to move away from me but I held her close.

  “No.” I kissed the top of her head as she trembled against me. “I can’t imagine my life without the two of you in it.”

  “I don’t see a life where I’ll ever be able to trust you.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Let go of me.”

  I released her from my hold. She needed time to process my secret.

  “You’ve been lying to me from the moment you met me.” She held back a sob but the pain in her voice cut deep. “You made me believe you were this amazing man who could not only want me but my daughter as well. I thought you were the one.”

  “I am. I want to be.”

  “But it came at a lie. Of course, you wanted Zoey. I was just the sacrifice you had to make to get to her. You said that we were a package deal but what you meant was you wanted your daughter and I was just someone you had to deal with to get to her.”

  “How could you say that? Can’t you feel how much I want to be with you? How devoted I am to you. How committed I am to creating a life with you?”

  “Because I’m Zoey’s mother!” she shouted. “Would you be so committed to me if I wasn’t? Before you found out about your daughter, how interested were you in settling down with someone like me? A divorced, single mother with no money?”

  “Don’t say that about yourself. That’s not how I see you.”

  “Would you have wanted me if we’d met under different circumstances?”

  “I wasn’t interested in any of it,” I admitted. “The whole reason Lanie did any of this was because she didn’t think I would want a family. She was right. At the time, I wouldn’t have but I know if she had told me about Zoey, I would have changed.”

  “And where would that leave me?”

  “Don’t you think I’ve thought about that? Why I’m so torn? You’re Zoey’s mother. She’s where she belongs. Everything happens for a reason. As furious as I was at Lanie for keeping her from me, Zoey belongs with you. The three of us belong together.”

  “I can’t do this right now.” She pushed the hair from her face. “I need to leave.”

  “It’s snowing. The roads aren’t safe.”

  “I’ll call Carla. She and Keith will come and get me.”

  “No, stay here tonight.” If she ran now, I might never get her back.

  “I don’t want to.”

  “I’m asking you to let Zoey stay where she is. She’s sleeping in her father’s house. I need the two of you to be safe.” Don’t challenge me. I’ll lock you in if I have to. “Please.”

  She gazed into my eyes, her own filling with tears.

  “I’ll explain everything.” I wiped her cheeks. “I promise, I’ll make you understand.”

  “There’s only one thing I understand.” She went to the stairs. “You were right when you said you were too good to be true.”

  As she headed upstairs, I thought of all the ways this could have gone. If Lanie had never kept this from me, I wouldn’t be in this position. If Kate had told me the truth from the beginning, I might have handled things differently. If I would have listened to my attorney or John, I could have spared the pain I’d caused Kara. None of that mattered now.

  The only thing that mattered was protecting Zoey. I’d find a way to make all of this right for her.

  Kara

  I’d been in the guest room for a few hours. Zoey had been asleep all night which was convenient since I couldn’t stop crying. How could he have lied to me? It wasn’t some small lie either. From the moment he said hello to us, he had a motive.

  None of this made sense. How could he be sure Zoey was even his? Because she looked exactly like him. Even now, as I watched her sleep, I could see Xavier’s features in hers. Not only did she have his eyes but they had the same skin tone. Now that I knew the truth, I could see her determined expressions and little side smirk came from her father. And, then there was her intelligence. He’d been expanding on that since the day they met. Teaching her new words, taking her to the library, getting her to read above her level. The trips to the museums and historical buildings.

  Damn you, X. Why didn’t you tell me the truth sooner?

  My stomach churned when I thought about the lies he’d told. Would he try to take her from m
e? I didn’t have the resources to fight him. He was rich, powerful, and deceived by the mother of his child. Lanie never told him she was pregnant. He had no say in the adoption. What rights did he have when it came to her? Would the courts side with him?

  I jumped out of bed, pacing the floor, trying to figure out what I should do. Now that the shock of his lies had worn off, I had to come to terms with what it meant. I trusted him for months, I thought he was different. Maybe Josh could… oh, Josh?

  I swung open the bedroom door only to find X waiting on the other side. He’d changed out of his suit into a raggedy pair of sweatpants and a faded Princeton t-shirt. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot.

  “What are you doing?” I closed the door behind me because I didn’t want to wake Zoey.

  “I heard you moving around up here and I thought maybe you were hungry or you wanted to talk.”

  “I couldn’t eat if I wanted to. My stomach is in knots.”

  “You’ve been crying.” He trailed his finger under my eye. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry that Kate outed you?”

  “That never should have happened. I wanted to tell you the truth but I didn’t know how.”

  He leaned against the wall, appearing distraught. I’d never seen him lose his composure before. He was always so in control and put together. He looked like I felt.

  “I should have told you the truth when we met.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I don’t know.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I had every intention of telling you from the beginning but then I met her and… I don’t have an excuse.”

  “Are you going to try and take her from me?”

  “What? No, I would never.” When he reached for my hand, I wasn’t strong enough to resist. “I want us to be a family. I was going to ask you to move in with me tonight.”

  “You weren’t ever going to tell me, were you?”

  “No.”

  “What was your plan?” He had a plan. He was calculated and always got what he wanted.

  “Eventually, I hoped that you would allow me to adopt her.”

  “You wanted to adopt your own daughter?”

  “It’s seemed like the least disruptive way. I could be her father legally and she would be entitled to everything I have.”

  “Did you have something to do with Josh giving up his rights?”

  “I did,” he admitted. “I paid him off. It didn’t take much, either.”

  “What is wrong with you?”

  “I’m her father, not him. He abandoned her. I would never do that but I needed him out of the way. He was never going to be part of her life. He’s moved on.”

  “This whole time you’ve been planning. She’s not a business deal. You can’t win her because you’re the highest bidder. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “I didn’t treat her like a business deal. What did you want me to do?”

  “I get that you were put in a terrible position. Someone gave your child away and you had no say but what you did to me is unforgivable.”

  “I lied and for that I’m sorry but the lie ended with Zoey’s paternity. Everything we’ve shared with or without Zoey has been real.” He moved close to me, backing me into the door. “Every time we made love, that was real.” He brushed my cheek with his fingers, crushing my resolve. “Every kiss.” He lowered his mouth to mine. “I couldn’t fake those.”

  “X.”

  “I meant what I said in the kitchen.” He pressed his lips to mine, tangling his fingers in my hair, kissing me hard. “I love you,” he whispered into my mouth as he seduced my lips with his.

  My body came to life as each second passed. There had never been anyone like him before. There would never be another like him after. It was easy to remember everything we shared but knowing how we came together made it difficult to forget what he had done.

  “Please.” I flattened my palm against his chest. “I can’t handle this. I don’t know what to do with us.”

  “Now that you know the truth we can move forward.”

  “You may feel as though you’ve been absolved but my hell is only beginning. When I look into your eyes, I don’t see the kind, gentle man who fell for me and accepted my daughter like she was his own. I see a cold, calculated bastard who would do anything to get what he wants.”

  “You’re wrong. You have to know that in your heart.”

  “Am I?” I opened the door, using all of my effort to walk away from him. I wouldn’t let him change my mind. “You’re never going to hurt me again.”

  When I shut the door, Zoey sat up and glanced around the room.

  “Hey, baby.” I slipped back into bed with her. “I’m right here.”

  “Where’s X?”

  “In his room.”

  “I heard his voice.” She stretched her neck to look outside. “It’s snowing.”

  “It is.”

  “Can we play in it?”

  “Tomorrow.” I cuddled in next to her.

  “With X?”

  “He might be too busy with work.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears. Leaving him was going to destroy her. “Go to sleep.”

  “Mama?”

  “Yes, baby.”

  “Do you love X?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” I lied but I had already allowed my daughter to get too close to a man I barely knew. I couldn’t tell her I loved him when I didn’t believe there was a future for us.

  “I love him,” she declared. “Do you think he loves me?”

  I held my breath, wishing I didn’t have to answer that question. “I know he does.”

  The tears streamed down my face as I quietly cried myself to sleep.

  15

  Kara

  Waking from a restless night, I could hear Zoey’s voice coming from downstairs. The aroma of pancakes and coffee seeped into the room. She giggled as X told her to be quiet because I was still asleep. I guess it was time to get up and start the day. A sense of dread fell over me. I was going to have to break my daughter’s heart.

  After putting myself together, I went downstairs. The closer I got to the kitchen, the more dread I experienced. Why? Because Zoey was laughing and having such a wonderful time with her… father.

  How didn’t I see who he was? Their bond was natural, effortless. They were drawn to one another because DNA was on their side.

  “You make the best pancakes,” she said.

  “That’s because I have the best assistant pancake maker.”

  “Me?”

  “You.”

  “Teach me a new word.”

  “Hmm…” He tugged at the end of her hair. “Bliss.”

  “Bliss, that’s a funny word.”

  “I suppose it sounds funny.” He plated her pancakes. “It means perfect happiness or great joy.”

  “Do the pancakes make you bliss?”

  “Yes.” He laughed at her use of the word. “But do you know what brings me more bliss than I ever could have imagined?”

  “What?” She sipped her juice.

  “You and your mommy.” X sat across from her. “You’ve changed my life, kid.”

  “If you say so.” She poked her fork into the pancake and fed it to him.

  Why did he ruin this? How were we ever going to get past his betrayal?

  “Good morning.” I entered the kitchen.

  “Mama! We made pancakes.” The excitement on Zoey’s face was too much to bear. I couldn’t bring her down with my current mood. “Do you want some?”

  “You know what, baby, I don’t feel so good. Maybe later.”

  “Can I get you something?” X got up from his chair. “Juice?”

  I shook my head. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Absolutely.” He put the TV on for her. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay.” She continued to eat as she watched her favorite channel.

  “We can go into my study.” He placed his hand on
the small of my back. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? What’s bothering you?”

  “Are you serious?”

  “You said you didn’t feel well.”

  “I don’t.” I entered his study. “My head hurts, I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I’m exhausted.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  You should be!

  “You didn’t tell Zoey, did you?” I wasn’t sure how she would process that information but I wasn’t ready for her to know.

  “I wouldn’t do that without you.”

  “I don’t want to do it today.” I wasn’t sure when I’d ever want to do it. She was too young to process this life-altering situation.

  “I understand. I’ll respect that.”

  “Thank you.” That was one less thing I had to worry about today.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to try and eat?”

  “I can’t sit across from you and pretend you didn’t totally destroy me. Not even for Zoey.”

  “What can I do to make this right?”

  “Nothing.”

  “I screwed up. I never should have taken things this far but I can’t take back what I’ve done. I can only move forward.” When he took my hand, I didn’t pull away. Why couldn’t I pull away? “I want to do that with you and Zoey.”

  “You want your daughter. That has always been your motivation.”

  “I can’t deny that.”

  “I’m going to have Carla and Keith come and get us.” I glanced out the window. “The storm wasn’t that bad.”

  “I can take you home.”

  “I’ve already spoken to Carla.”

  “Have you told her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good, you should have someone to talk to.”

  “I’m going to answer some emails and get myself together.” I had to protect Zoey. “You should go have breakfast with her.”

  “You should be with us.”

  “I told you I can’t.” I let go of his hand. “Spend some time with her because once we leave here, I’m going to need time.”

  “How much time?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What I did was wrong but my intentions were right.”