A Life of Joy

by Amy Clipston

  “But you think I should forget my plans to go to New York and stay here instead,” Jessica said simply.

  “No, I didn’t say that.” Rebecca placed her hand on the doorknob as a wave of exhaustion overwhelmed her. “I think that you’re making the right choice for you, given the circumstances. You have a place to stay and a friend who will help look after you. But I think you need to remember that your choices affect those who are close to you.”

  “Like Jake,” Jessica whispered.

  Mississippi Mud Pie

  1 – 4 oz. pkg. ground pecans

  3 reg. boxes instant butterscotch or chocolate pudding

  1 large container whipped topping

  1 – 8 oz. cream cheese

  1 stick butter

  1 cup flour

  1 cup 10x sugar

  1 can coconut

  First layer:

  ½ pkg. ground pecans mixed with flour and butter. Press on bottom of 9x13 inch pan. Bake 350° for 20 minutes. Cool.

  Second layer:

  Mix cream cheese, 10x sugar, and ½ of whipped topping. Spread over crust. Then sprinkle with ½ can coconut and ½ chopped nuts.

  Third layer:

  Mix pudding with 5 cups cold milk. Spread over 2nd layer. Top with remaining topping. Sprinkle remaining coconut and nuts. Freeze. Remove 1 hour before serving. Cut while frozen.

  4

  Lindsay weaved through the knot of friends and family members milling about in Rebecca’s family room the following evening. Saturday night was a night for the Kauffmans to visit, and Rebecca had suggested that they host the gathering and make it a party for Jessica.

  Stepping into the kitchen, Lindsay surveyed the counter full of covered dishes and desserts, making certain there was enough food for the crowd. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to find Jessica standing behind her.

  “Hey,” Jessica said over the conversations circling around them.

  “Hi,” Lindsay said. “Having fun?”

  Jessica shrugged. “Yeah. Sure. Listen, I wanted to talk to you. We haven’t had a chance to really sit down and talk since I’ve been here. I fell asleep early last night, and we did nothing but cook and bake today.”

  Lindsay gestured toward the back door. “You want to go out on the back porch?”

  “Sounds good,” Jessica said.

  Lindsay stepped out onto the porch and spotted the younger Kauffman children running in the pasture and playing tag. She searched the group of children for Katie and Nancy but didn’t see them. Aunt Sadie said that they would be coming along shortly, and Lindsay hoped that they would. Lizzie Anne hadn’t arrived yet either, and Lindsay wanted her best friends to see her sister before she headed to New York.

  “I haven’t been hugged so much in a long time,” Jessica said as she dropped into the swing while holding a plate full of desserts. “It took me nearly twenty minutes just to cross the family room because I kept getting pulled into a hug or a handshake.”

  Jessica bit into a whoopie pie, causing Lindsay to think of her visit with Matthew a week ago. Lindsay idly wondered if Matthew would come to the party with Samuel and his sisters.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Jessica said between bites of the whoopie pie. “Mmmm. This is delicious. Can I pack some of these to go?”

  “Sure,” Lindsay said, swatting the ties of her prayer covering back behind her shoulders. “You can take any of the leftover food. I’ll pack it up for you.”

  “Kim would love these.” Jessica finished the little cake and licked her fingers. “So, where’s your boyfriend?”

  Lindsay glowered with exasperation. “He’s not my boyfriend.” She faced her sister. “You really should go see Jake before you leave. I don’t think you left things very well with him.”

  Jessica opened her mouth to speak and then her expression softened. “You’re right. I should.”

  Lindsay gave her a look of disbelief. “You’re not going to argue with me?”

  Jessica chuckled. “Am I really that bad?”

  “Well …” Lindsay let her thought trail off, and Jessica shook her head in response.

  “Rebecca said something similar to me last night, so I know you’re right.”

  Stunned, Lindsay blinked. Jessica’s listening to Aenti Rebecca? How did this happen?

  “Don’t look so surprised.” Jessica glanced out toward the pasture and the children. “They look like they’re having fun.”

  “Ya, they get along well.”

  “You don’t have to talk Dutch to me.” Jessica lifted a chocolate chip cookie from the plate. “You want anything?”

  “No, thanks.” Lindsay folded her arms across her chest. “I see the desserts all week, so they don’t really tempt me anymore. What did you want to talk about?”

  “New York,” Jessica said. “I want to propose something to you.”

  Lindsay faced her sister. “This should be good.”

  “It is, actually.” She smiled. “What if I made you a deal?”

  “A deal?” Lindsay eyed her sister with cynicism.

  “I know I drive you crazy when I tell you that you have to stop pretending to be Amish.”

  Lindsay bit back a groan.

  “I’ll promise to stop saying that if you do something for me.”

  “What?” Lindsay asked. “Come with me to New York.”

  “What?” Lindsay stood. “Are you crazy?” Her voice transformed into a high-pitched squeak as resentment coursed through her.

  “No, I’m not.” She motioned for Lindsay to sit. “Calm down and hear me out.”

  Lindsay lowered herself into the chair next to the swing while still scowling. “I don’t like the sound of this at all.”

  Jessica rolled her eyes. “Just listen,” she huffed. “I know you think that this is all you’ll ever want.” She gestured around the porch. “But I don’t think so.”

  “Jess —”

  “Wait.” Jessica held up a finger, silencing her. “I’ve asked you to hear me out.”

  Lindsay shook her head. Her sister would never understand her.

  “I’m worried about you, Lindsay.”

  “Worried?” Lindsay gave a bark of laughter.

  “Yes, worried.” Jessica nodded with emphasis. “I’m afraid that in a few years you’ll wish you’d made different choices. You’ll wish you’d finished high school and gone to college. You can’t get these years back, Linds. You’re only young once.”

  “We’ve been through this,” Lindsay said, enunciating the words.

  “I know, I know,” Jessica said. “That’s why I want you to come with me and spend the summer in New York. You can see if you still feel the same way about the farm and living here when you get back.”

  “I don’t need a summer in a strange city to know that my purpose in life is here.” Lindsay tapped the arm of the chair. “I belong here, Jessica.”

  “You know that for sure?” Jessica looked unconvinced.

  “Yes, I do.”

  Jessica folded her arms across the front of her T-shirt. “How do you know?”

  “I know here.” Lindsay pointed to her chest. “In my heart.”

  “But you’re worth more than this.” Jessica touched Lindsay’s hand, and Lindsay pulled it back. “You should be packing up and going to college somewhere and studying a subject that brings you joy, as Dad used to say.”

  “This life brings me joy,” Lindsay said. “I love being a part of this family and working in the bakery. I have obligations here.” She gestured toward the barn. “This is where I want to be. In fact, I’m considering joining the church.”

  “No, no, no.” Jessica looked disappointed. “Don’t say that.” She took Lindsay’s hand in hers. “Come with me to New York. I can get you a job at the firm where I’m working.”

  “No!” Lindsay pulled her hand back. “Why would I want to work in an accounting firm? I hate numbers, and I was never good at school.”

  “You sell yourself short. You can do anything that y
ou set your mind to. I’ll explain that you’ve been hiding away with the Amish as a way to deal with our parents’ death, and they’ll understand. They’ll take pity on you and give you a job. I’m sure of it.”

  “What?” Lindsay stood in front of her sister and gestured widely. “Is that what you think of me? You think I’ve just been hiding away here and avoiding my grief for Mom and Dad? That is not true, Jessica! It’s not true at all!”

  Jessica glanced at something behind her. “Lindsay, just calm down, okay?”

  “No, I will not calm down.” Lindsay stomped her foot. “You’re so wrong about so many things. You’re all high and mighty because you graduated from high school and got a full scholarship to a great college. That’s wonderful, and I’m proud of you. But that doesn’t make you any better than me.” Her voice and her body trembled with fury.

  Jessica motioned for Lindsay to sit and compose herself. “Lindsay, come on. That’s enough. You’re making a scene.”

  “I’m not done! I had to hear you out,” Lindsay said, her voice thick. “Now it’s your turn to listen. I’m tired of your condescending attitude about how we live in this community. We live this way because —”

  “Is everything okay?” a voice asked.

  Lindsay spun and found Lizzie Anne, Katie, Samuel, and Matthew watching her with curious expressions. She hugged her arms to her chest in order to try to quell her body from shaking.

  Katie climbed the steps and looked back and forth between Jessica and Lindsay. “You all right, Lindsay?”

  “Ya.” Lindsay cleared her throat against threatening tears and started down the steps. “I need to take a walk.”

  “Wait!” Katie called.

  “Hold on,” Lizzie Anne chimed in.

  Jessica swallowed a frustrated groan while her younger sister rushed across the driveway toward the barn with Katie and Lizzie Anne in tow. Why did Lindsay have to get so defensive? Why couldn’t her sister see that Jessica was only trying to help her?

  Pushing her hair back behind her ears, Jessica glanced at Samuel and Matthew who were gazing at her from the bottom of the porch steps. Can this possibly get any more awkward?

  “Hi,” she said with a casual wave. “How are you?”

  “Fine,” they both mumbled in unison before heading toward the barn.

  Blowing out a sigh, Jessica glanced toward the driveway, where a familiar four-door, dark blue Chevrolet pickup truck bounced toward the house.

  “Jake,” she whispered as she stood.

  Jessica looked toward the barn, where Lindsay stood with her friends. For a split second, she considered running over and apologizing. She then cut her eyes back to the pickup rumbling forward. She knew in her heart she should make things right with her sister, but she didn’t want to create more of a spectacle in front of the Kauffman family and friends.

  Instead, she would work things out with Jake and then talk to Lindsay later after she’d taken some time to calm down.

  Jessica set the plate of desserts on a small table next to the swing before hurrying down the stairs to the pickup truck, which came to a stop near the fence line. She loped over to the driver window and looked up at Jake.

  “Hi,” she said, jamming her hands in the pockets of her jeans.

  “Hi.” Jake’s expression was hopeful.

  “I didn’t expect to see you here.” She kicked a stone with the toe of her flip-flop.

  He draped his arm over the steering wheel. “I couldn’t let you leave for New York without saying good-bye.”

  She nodded. “That’s very true.”

  He gestured toward the passenger seat. “Hop in. Let’s go for a ride.”

  Jessica looked toward her sister one last time. Lindsay’s eyes met hers for a brief moment before she angled her body toward her group of friends. For a split second, Jessica again considered approaching her sister.

  Instead, she jogged around the front end of the truck and hopped in next to Jake. He backed out of the driveway and steered toward the road, keeping his eyes trained ahead while he drove. His usual informal, laid-back demeanor was replaced with an intense, erect stance.

  For several minutes the only sound was the rumbling of the engine and the clicking of the key ring as it smacked the steering column. And the roar of the silence was eating her up inside.

  “I know you’re disappointed in me,” Jessica began.

  “Disappointed?” He snorted with sarcasm while keeping his focus on the road. “Disappointed doesn’t begin to tell you how I feel, Jess.”

  She took a deep breath. “Look, I care about you, Jake, and I care about what you think. And I need you to trust me on this.” She faced him. “I’m sorry that we won’t be together this summer, but it’s not forever.”

  “How long have you known about this internship?” he asked.

  “I only found out on Monday that I was accepted into the program.”

  “And when did you apply?”

  She paused as guilt swept over her. “A few months ago.” She stared at her red toenails sticking out of her flip-flops.

  He steered into the parking lot at the bakery and halted the truck. After killing the engine, he turned to her. “Do you know where I’m going with my questions or do I have to explain it?”

  “You’re upset that I never told you about the program.”

  “Exactly!”

  The hurt in his eyes took her breath away for a moment. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  He lifted his ball cap and raked his hand through his dark hair. “I don’t ask for much from you, Jess. In fact, I’ve never asked for a commitment, but today you made me feel like a fool for sitting here waiting for you while you flitter off from college to New York City without looking back.”

  “Now wait a minute.” She sat up straight and tapped her finger on the dashboard. “I don’t flitter off here and there. I’ve made it perfectly clear that I wanted to get an education, and going on this internship is part of that plan.”

  His frown became sad. “I hold you back.”

  She winced at the change in his tone. “What are you saying?”

  Looking defeated, he held his hands up in surrender. “I think it’s obvious here. We’re just too different. We’re stuck in this holding pattern and there’s no way out.”

  “Wait a minute,” Jessica said slowly. “What do you mean exactly? How is this a holding pattern?”

  “I don’t know.” He stared at the steering wheel while running his thumb over it. “I guess it means that I’ll always be stuck here waiting for you, and I’m tired of it. I had hoped we could move beyond this point in our relationship, but we never will.”

  Jessica turned toward the windshield. “I thought you would be excited for me, which is why I waited to tell you in person. I wanted to call you and share my news the moment I found out about the internship, but I thought it would be really fun to tell you face to face. I guess I was wrong.”

  “No, you weren’t.” He touched her arm. “I am happy and excited for you, but I’m sad for me because this opportunity proves that you’ll never be satisfied living here. You crave a life in a big city. We’re just too different. As much as I love you, I know I have to let you go and let go of the hope of someday being more than your friend.”

  She gasped at his words. He’d never said them aloud until that moment, and the shock knocked the wind out of her and stole her ability to speak for a moment. A single tear trickled down her cheek, and she impatiently swiped it away. “This wasn’t how I expected my weekend to go.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve managed to upset both you and my sister in less than an hour.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “Lindsay and I had a huge argument right before you came over tonight.” She rubbed her hands on her jeans. “I had suggested that she come with me to New York to make sure she really wanted to stay in this community, and it upset her. I’m worried she’s selling herself short by not finishing high school and going to c
ollege.”

  Jake shook his head while leaning back on the driver’s-side door. “You know, Jessica, you really need to consider what other people want before you push your ideas on them.”

  She glowered. “I only have her best interests in mind. After all, she’s my younger sister, and she’s my responsibility now that our parents are gone. I don’t want her to look back someday and regret her choices.”

  “They’re her choices to make.”

  “You wouldn’t understand.” Jessica folded her arms across her chest and stared straight out the windshield. “I think we need to go back to the party.”

  “Jess.” Leaning over, he touched her shoulder. “You need to stop being so defensive. I’m only suggesting that you take Lindsay’s wishes into consideration. I know you mean well, but you’re shutting people out by only thinking about what you want.”

  “This is about New York City, isn’t it?”

  He shrugged. “It’s about a lot of things.”

  She studied his face, and her lip quivered. “I’m sorry I let you down this summer,” she whispered.

  “Me too.” He turned toward the steering wheel and cranked over the engine.

  As they motored down the road, Jessica wiped another tear. The hurt she’d seen on Jake’s face and heard in his voice was breaking her heart. But she tried to convince herself that the internship was for the best.

  After all, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

  Lindsay was standing by the barn surrounded by her friends when she noticed the Chevy pickup rumbling down the rock driveway.

  How typical that Jessica would start an argument and then take off before it was worked out!

  She gritted her teeth as her sister’s thoughtless words echoed through her mind. Anger swelled within her as she watched the truck bounce onto the road.

  I wish she hadn’t come to visit.

  Closing her eyes, Lindsay pinched the bridge of her nose, willing herself not to cry. She wished she could stop the overwhelming mix of anger and frustration that was drowning her. Her eyes flooded with tears, and she sucked in a breath.