Drowning In Love

by Beth Rinyu

  I stepped off the train; my sister and my niece Paige were waiting for me. I smiled for the first time in a week when I saw them. I gave my niece a hug and broke out in tears again; I was still an emotional wreck. My sister looked at me sympathetically, no doubt seeing how swollen my eyes were from all of the crying I had been doing. “Oh, Mee Mee, it’s going to be okay, I promise.” She wrapped her arm around me tightly as we walked to her car.

  We spent the afternoon getting manicures and pedicures. My pain temporarily lifted as I watched my niece’s excitement over getting her nails done. “Look at my nails, Aunt Mee Mee,” she said as she proudly waved her fingers in front of my face.

  “They are beautiful, just like you, Paige.”

  We were heading to my mom’s. My sister was meeting her husband there and my mom was making dinner for everyone. We walked in the front door and the delicious aroma of my mom’s famous pot roast hit me in the face. I knew she had made it special for me. It was my favorite.

  “Mia, sweetie!” She ran to the front door and hugged me tightly. She placed her hands on my face and rubbed her thumbs under my swollen eyes.

  My stepfather came out of the kitchen and hugged me tightly as well. “Mia, forget about him,” he said, trying to act as if it wasn’t a big deal.

  “Mia, I have some guy at work that really wants to meet you,” my brother-in-law said. My sister was nodding with a huge smile on her face.

  “Oh, thanks, Shane, but I’m not ready to meet anyone right now.” I was never going to be ready to meet anyone. I was swearing off men. They were of no use to me. They either walked out on me, died on me, or lied to me. I decided that I was going to die a lonely old woman with twenty cats. My sister ran upstairs to my mom’s room to get the baby, who had just woken up, while my mother sat down on the couch next to me and admired Paige’s fingernails. My sister came back into the living room and placed the baby in my arms. I looked down at her and caressed the velvety skin on her cheek.

  "One day, Mia."

  "One day, what?"

  "I'm going to get to see the beautiful babies that we make together."

  I quickly handed the baby off to my mother, trying my best to hold back the tears. I got up from the couch and ran up the stairs into the spare bedroom. I sat on the bed, buried my face in my hands, and let it all come out.

  My mother came in and sat down on the bed next to me. She wrapped her arm around me and kissed me on the head. “Shh....” She tried her best to stop my crying.

  “He told me he wanted to have a baby with me one day, Mom. He told me he loved me and I believed it. How could he have done this to me?”

  “I don’t know, Mia. I don’t know.” She squeezed me tightly and rocked me back and forth until my tears subsided.

  “Mia, you will get over this, sweetie. You are strong; you’ve proven that with Eric.”

  “I don’t know, Mom. It hurts so badly and I still love him so much.” I broke down again.

  My mother grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and wiped my eyes. “Mia, have you talked to him since that day?”

  I shook my head.

  “Well, maybe you should hear him out and see what he has to say.” I went to interrupt her, but she put her hand up at me. “Wait, just let me finish. Mia, there is no doubt in my mind that he truly does love you. I don’t believe for one second that he was lying about that. Yes, he was wrong for what he did, but keep in mind when he agreed to that he didn’t know you and once he did, things changed.”

  “Mom, I asked him if he ever slept with her and he said ‘no.’ He lied right to my face. Then when I think of all the times she would call him or how they would have their little secret conversations when we would go out, it makes my skin crawl. They were talking about me and how stupid I was for falling into their sick, twisted game; he used me to get what he wanted.”

  “Mia, why don’t you just move back? Get a job here; you can live here until you get yourself together or forever if you want. There’s nothing left for you there, except bad memories.”

  “I still have Juan.”

  She smiled. “Yes, thank goodness for Juan. He is the only reason that I’m half okay with you staying there.”

  She hugged me and wiped my eyes again. “Are you feeling a little better?”

  I nodded.

  “Good, now let’s go eat. I put Gary in charge of watching the pot roast while I came up here.”

  “Oh no, that’s not good!” I smiled. My mother shook her head in agreement as we both began to laugh. Yes, I actually made a sound that was very close to a laugh for the first time in a week. It was at teeny tiny step, but at least it was something.

  Chapter 45

  Mia…

  Two week’s post Valentine’s Day and I had survived it without Travis. He had finally given up with his phone calls and texting as well. Juan once again was my support system, allowing me to tag along with him and Brian on their Valentine’s Day date so I wouldn’t be alone. I did my best to avoid the internet, television, and gossip magazines, after I accidently googled Travis’ name on the computer. The headline read: After Painful Breakup, America’s Most Loved Olympian is Back to His Bad Boy Ways. Underneath was a picture of Travis looking totally wasted with some beautiful woman hanging all over him. I went into the bathroom and threw up after that, vowing to stay as far away as possible from any news from the outside world again.

  I was just leaving the opera and heading to dinner with Victor, my co-worker from the salon. He too had just gotten over a bad break up with his boyfriend, leaving him with an extra ticket. This was my life; the only good men I seemed to attract were gay.

  “That was really great. Thanks so much for inviting me, Victor,” I said in the cab ride over.

  “Thanks for coming. It’s nice to have someone to commiserate with. Men are dogs!” He laughed.

  “Yes, they are. Present company excluded.”

  He looked around the cab. “I don’t see a man anywhere. Oh yeah, the driver.” We both began to laugh. Victor was one of those he’s-too-good-looking-to-be-straight kind of guys. He was truly gorgeous and probably could have been a model if he had pursued it. Instead, he was chasing his dreams of becoming an actor. I loved hearing his stories about the acting class that he was in enrolled in and some of the famous people he had met because of it. I was so happy that I was beginning to come into the land of the living once again. I still thought about Travis a lot and would have an occasional cry over him, but surprisingly, I was managing. My mother was right; I was strong. Just as long as I didn’t hear anything about him or see him – I was strong.

  We walked into the restaurant and were seated right away. We both began to laugh when we each caught one another checking out the waiter at the same time. “Girl, he’s on my team,” Victor joked.

  “Yeah, I think you’re right.” We both began to laugh even louder.

  I waited until we placed our drink order before I excused myself to use the ladies’ room. I headed to the bathroom, very happy that I had let Victor talk me into coming out with him tonight. I was having a great time. I loved hanging out with my gay friends. If only the straight guys could be like them, then I wouldn’t be dealing with any heartache right now.

  Chapter 46

  Travis…

  I was spiraling out of control and I knew it, but I didn’t care. Nothing seemed to matter now that Mia was gone. I tried to drink away the pain, but nothing worked. Nothing was taking away the hurt of losing her. Stacy talked me into going out to dinner with her and Mike and her co-worker, Lindsay. I tried my best to pretend that I wanted to be there, even though my mind was a million miles away.

  I kept up the conversation as best as I could. But she was the only thing I could see when she entered the restaurant. She was wearing the same little black dress that she did the night of my Christmas party, the one that drove me crazy. Her blonde curls were streaming down her face. She looked hot. I totally tuned everything and everyone out as I watched her take a seat
in the far off corner. My stomach clenched when I saw that she was with a man. It felt like someone was sticking a knife in my heart every time I would see her laugh at something he would say. I watched as she got up to use the bathroom. Mike finally caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. I got up from the table and excused myself.

  “Travis –” Mike shook his head in disapproval, seemingly knowing exactly what I was planning on doing. I completely ignored him.

  I grabbed her arm just as she was about to open the door to the ladies’ room.

  She gasped as she looked down at her arm and then up at me. I missed those beautiful eyes so much. “Travis, what the hell are you doing?”

  I was silent. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just looked her over, taking everything about her in and breathing the scent of her favorite perfume. She pulled her arm from my grip and shook her head. She had her hand on the bathroom door, readying to enter again.

  “Mia, please, will you just talk to me? I miss you so much, baby.”

  “Travis, please just stop.”

  “No, Mia, I can’t. I love you so much.”

  “Really? Because according to all of the gossip rags, you’ve gotten over me pretty quickly.” She looked over to Mike and Stacey and fixated her eyes on Lindsay. “You don’t need me, Travis. You have plenty of women willing to keep you warm at night. Don’t know if they’ll be able to get you endorsements, but then again, that was my job.”

  “Mia, just stop. I know I should have told –”

  “No, Travis, you stop! I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. You could have told me the truth at any time, but instead you chose to let me find out from that little bitch.”

  I could see her eyes filling up with tears and it was tearing me up inside. She was right. I fucked it up; it was all me. I could blame Chloe all that I wanted, but I was the one who chose to hide the truth from her.

  I looked over at the table to where her date was sitting, waiting for her. “Who is he?”

  “None of your business.” I didn’t know what was pissing me off more; the sarcastic tone in her voice or the possibility that she may be having sex with someone else besides me. In my mind, she was still mine and the thought of her with another man tore away at my insides.

  “Mia, listen to me. You will never mean as much to any other guy as you do to me.”

  “Well, maybe I don’t want to want to mean anything to anybody anymore. Maybe I’ll just take a page out of your book, Travis. Fuck him and forget about him. How’s that sound?”

  I could feel the knife being twisted into my heart even deeper. “No, Mia, that’s not who you are.”

  “Well, maybe I’m a different person because of you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my date is waiting for me.” I took a deep breath and watched her walk away. I watched as she said something to her date, before he stood up and they both exited the restaurant.

  I walked back over to Mike and Stacy and threw some money on the table. “I’m sorry, but I have to get going.” I looked down at Lindsay. “It was, um… really nice meeting you.”

  I heard Mike’s chair sliding across the floor as he got up and came chasing after me. “Bro, she’s not coming back. It’s over. You need to just face it.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want to just face it.”

  “Travis, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re losing it, man.”

  I ignored him and walked out into the cold February night. Maybe I was losing it, I didn’t know. I had never been in love before and now I knew why.

  Chapter 47

  Travis….

  I shouldn’t have been so quick to take Mike and Stacy up on their request to spend a few days in Vermont for my birthday. I knew they were doing it to try and break me from the masochistic state I was in. I figured that maybe a few days away would take my mind off of my fucked up life. But as soon as I stepped foot in that house, I was flooded with memories. Memories of the one person I was trying to forget. The last time I was here, it was with her. There was nothing more that I wished for than to have her here with me now. Stacy went upstairs to take a nap while Mike and I hung out, watching the basketball game. I was on my fourth shot of Jack. I had found that was the only thing that dulled the memories a bit. “Bro, slow down with that; it’s only one o’clock,” Mike said.

  “What are you, holier than thou, now that you’re going to be a dad,” I said as I lifted the shot glass to my lips and chugged it down.

  “No, I’m not. I’m just tired of watching my best friend self-destruct right in front of my eyes.”

  “Yeah, well, what can I say? This is the only thing that helps me forget about her.”

  “Jesus Christ, Travis, I never thought I would ever see the day that you would ever let a woman get you this way.”

  I shook my head, I never thought I would see the day that I would let a woman get me this way either. It had been two weeks since I had seen her in the restaurant with that guy and it was still eating me up inside. The thought of another man touching her made my stomach churn in pure disgust. “You know, I had sex with her for the very first time in this house. I was only the second guy that she ever slept with. She trusted me and I let her down. I was planning on asking her to marry me that night, but instead we broke up.”

  Mike looked at me in shock. I didn’t tell anyone about my engagement plans, not even him. “Travis, when you get back, you need to go see her and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, man.”

  “I tried. She won’t listen to me.”

  “Make her! Dude, I can’t watch you go on like this anymore.”

  I got up and looked out the window; the snow was starting to fall. I needed to take my mind off Mia. I needed an adrenaline rush.

  I turned around to Mike. “Want to go snowboarding.”

  “It’s your birthday, bro. If that’s what you want to do, and if it will take you out of your self-pity mode, let’s do it!”

  Chapter 48

  Mia…

  I sat on my couch, downing my second glass of wine. Today was Travis' birthday and I couldn't get him off my mind. I pulled him up in my contacts list several times throughout the day, but couldn't bring myself to hit the call button. I kept thinking back to the night that I had run into him in the restaurant and the sadness in his eyes. I missed him so much. My life was empty without him. My head and my heart were in a constant battle since the day I told him goodbye. But tonight, sitting here all alone while wallowing my sorrows into my glass of chardonnay, my heart was crossing the finish line first. I grabbed my phone from my purse and scrolled down to his name. I took a deep breath and finally got up the nerve to hit the call button. After five rings, it went to his voicemail as I tried to quiet the inner-voice inside of me that was saying. Maybe he's ignoring you on purpose or maybe he's out celebrating his birthday with some else. I composed myself and waited for the beep. "Hey, Travis, it's Mia. I was just calling to wish you a happy birthday and to let you know - I miss you. Anyway, I, umm hope you had a great day." I hung up the phone, instantly regretting my actions. Sucker, sucker, sucker! It was written all over my forehead, but I couldn't help it where he was concerned. I missed him like crazy and was still so in love with him. I couldn’t deny it anymore.

  I arrived at work the next morning to find that my first appointment was a no-show. I took the extra time to check in with my mom and made plans to spend the weekend with her before hanging up. I had never heard back from Travis, making me regret my decision to call him.

  I walked out of the break room and was surprised to find Mrs. Montgomery standing behind the appointment desk. She was still my client, after everything that had happened with Travis and me. She would just act normal, like the days before I had met Travis, making sure never to mention his name and neither did I. I quickly rethought the day of the week in my head; it was only Tuesday, not Thursday, which was her normal appointment

  “Mrs. Montgomery, you didn’t have an appointment today, did you?”


  “No, Mia, dear. Would you be able to come outside for a moment?” She had a look of despair on her face.

  “Sure.” I told Victor where I was going and that I’d be right back.

  Her limo driver held the door as we both exited. He opened up the limo door, allowing us both to enter before closing it.

  “Mrs. Montgomery, is everything okay?”

  She shook her head as she fought the tears. I put my hand on hers to offer her support. There was an agonizing silence as she tried to get her thoughts together.

  “Mia, Travis had an accident.”

  I felt the blood rush from my face. I began to break out in a sweat and tears filled my eyes. All of the painful memories came flashing back as I was suddenly brought back to that day the two police officers were standing at my door, delivering that horrible news about Eric. “What happened?” I whispered.

  “He was snowboarding yesterday; he had been drinking and tried doing some crazy jump. He hurt his back – he’s paralyzed.” She began to burst out in tears.

  My stomach clenched. I thought of Travis lying in a hospital bed. I closed my eyes to fight the burning. My head was spinning as I tried my hardest to speak. “Oh my God. What’s his prognosis?” My voice was cracking with emotion.

  “I talked to my son last night. The doctor said that there’s no nerve or spinal cord damage, so his chances of walking again are very good, but he’s completely shut down, Mia. Maybe if he saw you, it might give him some initiative.”

  “I-I don’t know. I think it may just make it worse.” I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

  Mrs. Montgomery grabbed my hand. “Mia, please. He hasn’t been the same since you two broke up. He’s become this unhappy, reckless person.” She began to break down in tears. “Mia, he’s lost without you.”