Drowning In Love

by Beth Rinyu

  “I just –”

  “Please, Mia, tell me you will go see him.” She reached in her purse and handed me a folded up piece of paper. “This is where he is at and his room number. Please say that you will, dear.”

  I nodded as I bit my lip and closed my tear-filled eyes. She hugged me tightly before I stepped out of the limo with my head hanging low.

  “What’s the matter?” Juan asked as I walked back through the door.

  The tears flowed down my face. He wrapped his arm around me and took me in the back. I told him everything, catching my breath a few times in between sobs.

  “I was so mean to him, Juan. I should have given him a second chance. It’s my fault that this happened.”

  He hugged me tightly. “Oh, sweetie, it’s not your fault at all. You are not responsible for his actions. Don’t blame yourself.”

  “Why did this have to happen? I feel like I have some sort of curse that destroys every man that I love.”

  “Mia, stop that. You had nothing to do with Eric’s death and you had nothing to do with Travis getting hurt.”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “You need to go see him, Mia. Even if he doesn’t want to see you, at least he’ll know you care.”

  I nodded as I dabbed my eyes with a tissue, trying my best to pull it together and get through the workday.

  By the time I got home, I was spent. I couldn’t stop thinking of Travis all day long and each time I did, I would begin to cry. I plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV. I flicked through the channels and came to a stop when I saw Travis’ face on the news. I felt like I was dreaming a terrible dream when I heard the newscaster speaking in a very somber tone.

  “Travis Montgomery, America’s record medalist, suffered a devastating injury while snowboarding in this popular Vermont Ski resort….” I quickly turned it off. I couldn’t listen; it hurt too much. I did my best not to cry. A million thoughts went through my head. No wonder he didn’t call me back. If only I had called him earlier, then maybe he wouldn’t have gone. Maybe this would have never happened. This was all my fault. He was reckless because of me, because I wouldn’t give him a second chance. I wouldn’t even hear his side of the story. I had to be there for him. I had to be strong and I had to let him know how much I still cared, whether he wanted me to or not.

  ****

  I walked down the long corridor of the hospital, taking in all the room numbers along the way. I stopped just outside of Room 205 and took a deep breath. I slowly entered to find Travis sitting up in his bed, watching television. A brief smile that quickly changed to a scowl appeared on his face.

  I bit my lip and tried to control my tears as I looked at him. I felt a giant knot forming in the pit of my stomach. This strong, athletic man, now paralyzed. I knew that it was probably killing him inside, having me see him this way. All of the painful memories of seeing Eric lying in his hospital bed quickly came rushing back to me. But Travis was still here. He was still alive and able to hear what I had to say.

  "Mia, what are you doing here?" His tone was sharp.

  "I wanted to see how you were doing."

  He shook his head at me. "Well, now you see."

  "I'm sorry, Travis."

  "I don't need your pity, Mia."

  "I didn't come here to give you pity. I came here to see you."

  "Oh, now all of a sudden you care, when before you wouldn't even talk to me?"

  "Travis, stop. I didn’t come here to fight with you or bring up the past. I came here to be a friend. I want to be here for you, Travis.”

  “I don’t want your friendship, Mia.” He looked away.

  I sat down on the bed and moved closer to him. “I don’t care what you want, Travis, because I’m going to be here for you whether you want me to or not.”

  “Why? Why do you want to do this for me after what I’ve done to you?”

  “I don’t know; I just do. Once I love someone, they remain in my heart forever, no matter what.”

  His eyes were glassed over and full of emotion as he gazed at me. They weren’t those same beautiful color-changing eyes that I had grown so accustomed to looking into. They were different. They were dull and flat and filled with sadness. I gently caressed his face with my hand. “It’s going to be okay, Travis,” I whispered.

  He pulled me into his warm embrace. “I’m scared, Mia. For the first time in my life, I’m scared.” The tears were rolling down my face as he hugged me tightly.

  I pressed my forehead up to his. “It’s okay to be scared, Travis. You will beat this and you walk again, I know you will. Please, let me be here for you.”

  “Mia, I fucked up my life so bad. First with you and now this.” The tears began to form in his eyes and my heart began to break a little bit more, seeing him like this. So scared and alone, it was tearing me up inside. All I wanted to do was take away his pain, but I knew there was nothing that I could say that would make him feel better. All I could do was pull him closer and hug him tightly. I kissed him on the cheek and wiped a tear away that was rolling down his face. “Mia, I don’t want to live if it’s like this.”

  “Don’t you ever say that, Travis. Do you hear me? You have so many people that love and care about you. You are strong and determined and you will walk again.” I ran my hand along his cheek. I couldn’t stand the sadness in his eyes. It was as if I was looking at a completely different man than the one I had known just a few short months ago. I had to let him know that his life was worth living. I had to let him know how much I still cared. So I did what my heart was screaming for me to do. I took his face in my hands and kissed him deeply. “I love you, Travis.”

  His eyes filled with tears once again. “Mia, don’t do this because you feel like –”

  I put my finger over his lips to stop him from talking. “I think you know me better than that. I don’t do or say anything that I don’t want to.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and intertwined my fingers in his. “You’re going to get through this, Travis, and I will be here for you every step of the way.”

  Chapter 49

  Travis….

  Mia stayed with me until visiting hours were over. She had no clue how much just seeing her had meant to me. I felt like I was dreaming when I saw her standing in the doorway. She was like an angel, one that I didn't deserve. I needed to get better, for her. I once again screwed up with my own stupidity. I had no business snowboarding that day after all that I drank. I especially had no business trying to do a jump that I knew I wouldn't even be able to land sober. I remember trying to get up after I landed on my back and not being able to move my legs. Mike thought I was joking. I will never forget the look of horror on his face when he found out I wasn't. I knew that he felt guilty for going with me that day after I had been drinking. The same way I saw guilt in Mia's eyes today, but this wasn't either of their faults in any way. It was mine. I was the one who drank myself into oblivion to alleviate my own guilt and now I had placed that same guilt onto the two people I cared about most.

  I hated Mia seeing me this way. I felt like a half a man. Mia had the biggest heart out of anyone I knew and I was so grateful to her for wanting to support me through this, but at the same time, I didn't want to drag her down into a life that she didn't deserve. I loved and wanted to be with her more than anything in this world, but not this way. I knew that I had to get better for her, so we could live the life that I had intended, before my world fell apart. I closed my eyes and imagined that she was lying beside me in my arms, the way that she used to, the way that I hoped that she would be one day again.

  ***

  After a two-month stay in the rehab center and a month of being home, I was starting to adjust as best as I could. I wasn’t accepting it any better, but I was learning to deal with it. Mia was there for me more than anyone. She had completely let me back into that huge heart of hers. Just when I thought it wasn’t possible to love her any more than I already did, she proved me wrong. She was running
herself ragged with working and running over to my place after work. She spent a lot of her nights with me and it was comforting to have her lying beside me.

  I was waiting for Jerome, my physical therapist, to get to my place for my daily regimen of therapy. Mia had just left to have breakfast with Juan. I was glad that she was still doing something that was in the norm of her old life. She felt the need to be here with me so much that she had been neglecting herself and all of the things that she once got enjoyment from and I hated it. I hated seeing her catering to my every whim and even though I knew she was doing it because she cared, it bothered me because it made me feel helpless. I was feeling lower than usual this morning as I thought about last night and what had happened or, should I say, didn’t happen. My doctor had told me that sex may or may not be possible. We had discussed the whole sex thing and Mia was well aware that it just might not work.

  Mia crawled into bed with me last night and nuzzled close to me. She smelled so good and everything inside of me wanted her after being so long without her. “Mia, you don’t know how badly I wish I could make love to you right now.”

  She moved closer to me and kissed me softly on the chest. “Me too.” A couple of months ago, that’s all that it would take and I would be ready to go. She moved on top of me and began to kiss my neck. “Do you want to try?” she whispered as a strand of hair draped over her face.

  “Mia, I don’t think it’s –

  She lifted her nightgown over her head and placed my hands on her breasts. I took in the sight of her perfect body. I ran my fingers across her nipples like it was the very first time that I was touching them. She was so beautiful. She leaned down and kissed me. “Travis, I want you to be inside of me. I want to feel you again. I miss you so much,” she whispered softly in my ear. Everything inside of me wanted her. I wanted to taste her skin, see the look of pleasure on her face, and most of all, feel the closeness of being one with her. Unfortunately, the one thing that wasn’t responding the same way as the rest of my body was the one thing that I needed to respond the most.

  After some time, I finally came to the realization that it wasn’t going to happen.

  “Damn it!”

  “Travis, it’s okay. Dr. Dey told you it’s going to take time. Remember, practice makes perfect.”

  I couldn’t even look at her, I felt like such a failure. She rested her head on my chest and ran her hand gently across my cheek. “Baby steps, Travis, we’ll get there. I promise.” She softly placed her lips on my chest. I didn’t know what I did to deserve this woman, but whatever it was, I was eternally grateful.

  Chapter 50

  Mia…

  I was nonstop, on the go; working during the day and spending all of my free time during the evening and the weekends with Travis. I realized now more than ever how much I loved him and I was willing to do anything to make sure he knew it.

  In my effort to be there for Travis, I had realized I was neglecting other things, like my family and Juan. They were all very supportive with my decision to help Travis, but I didn't think any of them realized how much time I would be committing to him.

  I was so glad finally to be sitting down to a long overdue breakfast with Juan that I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. It was a beautiful early summer day. We sat in the outdoor seating area as I sipped on my coffee and took in all of his pictures from his trip to Paris from which he and Brian had just returned. I laughed at the photos of Juan posing in front of the Eiffel Tower, while my mouth watered over the pictures of the delicious French pastries he had taken. It looked heavenly. I couldn’t help but wish that someday Travis and I would get there.

  “These are great, Juan.” I tried to sound as upbeat as possible, but he must have still sensed a little sadness in my voice.

  “Mia, what’s the matter?”

  I bit my lip and looked away. “Travis and I tried to have sex for the first time since his accident.” The words were out before I could even stop them. I just felt like I needed to talk to someone about it.

  “Mia, I’m not trying to be funny, but if he can’t feel anything from the waist down, then how would that work?”

  “His doctor said that there is a chance of it working.” I went on to explain exactly what Travis’ doctor had said. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with him.

  “So now, he’s all upset over it.”

  “Well, what about you? Are you okay that it’s not working?”

  “Of course I am! I mean I want to make love to him more than anything, but it’s just going to take some time.”

  Juan sighed. “Oh, Mia, you are such a great person, you know that?” I smiled, not used to Juan being so serious. “Well, you know what they say: a good man is hard to find and a hard one is good to find! And sometimes I have neither; at least you got one of the two.” I nearly spit my coffee out at his words.

  “You are too much, Juan.”

  “Well, it’s the truth; at least yours has an excuse! I’ll help you take care of that problem until he gets it working.”

  My jaw dropped down to my knees. “What!”

  “Oh my God, girl, relax. I love you to death, but not in that way! I’ll take you to this store that I know about that sells, you know, things that will help get you through until Travis gets over his problem.”

  “Um, no, that’s okay! I never used one of those and I don’t intend to do that now.”

  “Well, maybe you should, and this is coming from someone who spent a whole year around you when you weren’t getting any. Trust me, you were no picnic, sweetheart.”

  “Well, you will just have to deal with my bitchiness until then, the same way I have to deal with yours – that’s what friends are for.” I giggled and took another sip of coffee as Juan rolled his eyes and shook his head at me.

  ***

  I finished up with breakfast and headed back to Travis’. I nearly walked right into Jerome, Travis’ physical therapist, as I was getting off the elevator. “Hey, Mia, how are you?”

  Every time I looked at him, I couldn’t help but see Apollo Creed from Rocky. He looked so much like him, it was scary. He told me that he had gotten that a lot from people when I mentioned it to him. “I’m good, thanks!”

  “Travis had a great morning. Just please keep encouraging him. I think it’s really helping with his therapy.”

  “I will.” I smiled just before he stepped into the elevator and the doors closed.

  “Hey, handsome!” I said as I entered Travis’ apartment. I walked over to him and handed him a bag containing a peanut butter fudge brownie. “Got this just for you.” I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. “I ran into Jerome in the hall. He said you’re doing really great! See, I told you –”

  “Mia, just stop.”

  “What’s the matter, Travis?”

  “Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

  “Well, it’s a beautiful day. Do you want to get out? We can go over to Central Park.”

  He shook his head. As much as I tried to be upbeat and put on a happy face, I knew Travis was anything but happy. He was depressed and no matter how much I tried to be his cheerleader, there was nothing that I could do to fix that. He had too much pride; he didn’t want anyone to see him in a wheelchair. He wasn’t ready to face the world.

  I leaned down by him and ran my hand through his hair. “Travis, sweetie, I’m not even going to say that I know how you’re feeling, because I don’t. But you need to get out of this apartment and start living your life a little.”

  “Live my life, like this? This isn’t living, Mia; it’s just existing.”

  “Travis, it’s only temporary.”

  He was unresponsive; he just rubbed his forehead and looked down at the ground.

  I moved closer to him and kissed him on the lips. “So, what do you say? Let’s go to the park and if you don’t feel comfortable, we can come right back.” I rubbed my fingers along his face.

  “Fine,” he finally answered hal
f-halfheartedly. Central Park was right across the street from his apartment, so luckily we didn’t have far to go. I could tell that he was self-conscious; this was the first time he had been out other than going to his doctor’s appointments. I did what I did best; I talked nonstop as I stood behind him and pushed him. I finally stopped when I came to a bench.

  “See, this isn’t so bad, is it?” I asked.

  “No, I guess not.”

  We sat in comfortable silence and people watched for some time before he began to speak. “Mia, you know that I wanted to make love to you more than anything last night, right?”

  “I know. Dr. Dey told you, it’s going to take time. I’m not going anywhere, Travis. You’re worth the wait.” I was suddenly realizing why he was in such a bad mood.

  “Mia, you are the only thing that’s keeping me going. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too, Travis, always.”

  I told Travis all about Juan’s trip to Paris and all of the beautiful pictures. I was happy to see him actually smiling a genuine smile for the first time in a very long time.

  "I'm adding that to our bucket list."

  "What's that?" he asked.

  "Paris. Someday we will get to see the Eiffel Tower and walk along the Seine."

  He looked away is if it pained him to hear me making plans for our future. "That's just one of many things I'm adding to that list." I kissed him softly on the lips and pressed my forehead to his. "I have great things planned for us, Travis Montgomery."

  Chapter 51

  Travis....

  We spent most of the afternoon at the park. Mia was right; I did feel a little better after getting out. The only time that I was even remotely happy anymore was when I was with her. Although hearing all about her plans for the future for us had me a little disheartened. Not because I didn't want a future with her; I just knew that I couldn't offer her much of one right now. We got off the elevator and headed down the hall to my apartment.