Serenity

by Rochelle Paige

  Holy fuck. A part of me wanted to rewind the clock to the start of this conversation and tell them I didn’t need to know anything else. That they’d earned my trust throughout my entire life, and that was good enough for me. I hadn’t stopped to consider they might’ve been right about me not being able to handle the complete truth. But damn, they might’ve been fucking right. I finally got why they kept this from me.

  “Oh my God.” Faith held me even tighter as I started to shake.

  “It was an impossible decision, and we weren’t handling it well at all. It’s something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.” My mom was crying into my dad’s chest while he talked. “It took them a little while to convince us that our choice was to either lose both of you or save one. That there was no outcome that would result in both of you living. Declan was already gone. And then they brought in a transplant doctor to talk to us about what would happen if we said yes.”

  “We finally said yes,” my mom sniffled, lifting her head and smiling softly at Faith. “Part of the reason why we were able to make that impossible decision was the young patient he’d told us about. The one who had no options. Ours was horrible, but at least we had one. They had nothing. Not even a family to mourn them when they were gone. But then we realized we might be able to save them too if they were a match with Declan, and it helped make the situation the tiniest bit less unbearable. So we made a direct donation of one of his kidneys to them.”

  “To me,” Faith whispered.

  “We didn’t know it at the time, but yes. Without him telling us about you, I’m not sure we would’ve had the strength to make the decision, even though the heart transplant is the only reason our baby boy is still alive today.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. To any of it really. I’d thought I was stunned before, knowing they’d lied to me about when Declan had died. But if they hadn’t lied, I would’ve asked questions that had answers which would’ve devastated me back then. I wasn’t certain they weren’t going to destroy me now. But I had Faith by my side, and she’d lived through hell. The least I could do was the same. Somehow.

  “With how complicated the situation was, the hospital sent down a psychiatrist for a consult. He agreed with our concerns about how you’d handle knowing about the transplant and the circumstances leading up to it. He suggested we consider withholding the truth from you for therapeutic reasons. He made a convincing enough case that the doctors agreed to go along with it. After you were home and physically recovered from the surgery, we started to have doubts. We talked about telling you the truth, but then you started to spiral out of control. So we put off telling you, and after that, the timing never seemed right.” My dad heaved a deep sigh. He looked how I felt; like sharing the story had put him through the wringer. “Now you know everything.”

  “Can you ever forgive us for lying to you for so long?” my mom asked.

  I was still too stunned to speak. Faith elbowed me in the side, and she was jerking her head in my parents’ direction when I looked down at her. I thought about what she’d said to me yesterday. About forgiving me even though she wasn’t past the pain I’d caused her because she loved me.

  I loved my parents, and they loved me. Of that I had no doubts. At the moment, everything else was up in the air between us except that. “Yes, I’ll be able to forgive you.”

  Eventually.

  “Oh, thank God,” she sobbed.

  “It’s not going to be easy,” I warned.

  “Your mom and I understand that this is going to be difficult for you. We’ve had five years to come to terms with the decision we were forced to make, but for you it’s like it just happened. We understand that. We’ll try to keep that in mind and give you whatever you need to find a way to make peace with this. We understand that nothing worth having comes easy.” My breath caught at my dad’s favorite saying, since it had an all new meaning for me.

  “I think that’s a lesson we’ve all learned the hard way,” Faith murmured.

  “One we wish we could’ve protected you from.”

  I tried to smile at my mom, but I just couldn’t get my lips to cooperate. They twitched slightly, but it must’ve been enough for her because she smiled softly back at me.

  “What do you need from us now?” my dad asked.

  I shook my head because I didn’t know. I had no idea how I was going to move past all this. How I was going to come to terms with the fact that my parents had removed Declan’s life support so they could save me. “Time.” It was the only answer I could think to give.

  “Okay, we’ll do our best to give you some space,” my dad agreed.

  “Just please let us know that you’re okay from time to time? So I don’t drive myself crazy worrying about you and take your father with me.”

  “I’ll take good care of him,” Faith promised. “And I’ll let you know how he’s doing, as long as that’s okay with him.”

  I nodded jerkily, relieved that she’d take care of that for me. I didn’t want my parents to suffer, but I wasn’t sure how long it’d be before things got even close to back to normal for us.

  “Thank you.”

  I rose to my feet, grateful when my dad pulled my mom back down after she stood to give me a hug and kiss. I was barely holding on by a thread, and I was pretty sure that would’ve made me lose it. It was bad enough that I handed my key fob over to Faith as we walked outside, and she went to the driver’s side without asking any questions even though I knew she hated driving my SUV. We rode in silence back to our place, my hand clenching her thigh the whole time. And when we walked inside, I led her to the bedroom, crawled onto the mattress, and wrapped myself around her. Then I held on tight and took slow, deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down.

  It must have worked, or my physical and emotional exhaustion just finally caught up with me, because I fell asleep. When I woke up, hours had passed and the sun had already set. I tried to hold as still as I could because Faith was still asleep beside me, but she must have sensed I was awake because she turned in my hold and blinked up at me.

  “Did our nap help at all? Because it definitely did for me. I’m feeling at least a thousand times better than I was this morning.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and pulled her closer. “I’m not as tired, but that’s about it.”

  “What can I do to make this easier for you?”

  “Just keep on being you. That’s all I need.”

  “It doesn’t feel like enough. I’d give you anything.” She kissed along my chin. “And I’d do anything to make this even a little bit better for you.”

  I was filled with conflicting emotions. Anger. Guilt. Gratitude. And I wanted to take Faith up on the offer and bury them all inside her. But that wasn’t fair to her. “No, baby. I can’t. You just got discharged from the hospital this morning, and I don’t know if I have it in me to be gentle with you.”

  “They wouldn’t have let me leave if I wasn’t okay, and they didn’t put me on any restrictions when it comes to sex. My discharge papers didn’t say a peep about it. Just meds and diet.”

  “Fuck, baby,” I groaned. How was I supposed to have the willpower to hold firm when she didn’t want to take no for an answer? When I wanted more than anything to feel closer to her because she was the only thing that made any sense in my life at the moment?

  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to say.” She winked at me, and I was a goner. I smashed my mouth against hers, tugging on her bottom lip with my teeth. When she gasped, I slid my tongue inside to tangle with hers. Clenching her hair in my hands, I held her in place to devour her mouth until we were both gasping for air. Cupping her ass, I pulled her flush against my body.

  “You sure about this?”

  “Beyond sure. This is as much for me as it is you because after everything that happened in the last week, I need to feel close to you.” She punctuated her declaration by grinding her hips against me, and I felt her wetness through her shorts. “Are you
going to make me beg?”

  “Never,” I groaned as I unzipped the front of my pants to open them. I grabbed a condom out of my wallet before I shoved them down, along with my boxers, and my cock sprang free—fully erect and throbbing in need. Faith did the same with her shorts, leaving her pussy covered in only a pair of pink lace panties with a damp spot right over her core.

  I couldn’t resist bending low to get a taste of my favorite thing in the world, her pussy. Running my tongue over the damp material, I breathed deep before I ripped the panties off her body and drove my tongue inside. Any doubts I might have had about her needing this as much as I did were wiped away by how wet she was. Flicking my tongue over her clit, I pumped two fingers inside her until she came. Quick, just like I needed her to because I was desperate at the moment.

  “Dillon,” she moaned as her pussy clenched around my fingers while she trembled in my arms.

  I didn’t wait for her orgasm to end before I wrapped my cock up and slid inside her wet pussy. I buried myself deep in one stroke, and her walls clenched tight around me.

  “Fuck, baby,” I moaned. “I’m not gonna last long.”

  “It’s not like I can judge you if it’s quick since I just went off like a rocket,” she panted. “And I’m not going to complain since I already got mine.”

  She rotated her hips, and I groaned before pulling out and gliding back in. Over and over again, we moved together. Her body was wrapped around mine, knees at my hips and arms around my shoulders. Our lips were glued together as we kissed in rhythm with my thrusts. I felt a tingle at my spine and didn’t want to go alone—not even if she said it was okay—so I slid my hand between our bodies to rub her clit with my thumb. The added stimulation was just what she needed to come for me again. With her pussy strangling my cock, I stared into her eyes as I stroked in and out of her a few more times before I emptied into the condom.

  “Love you, baby,” I whispered as I captured her lips with mine. After all the shit we’d gone through this past week, I was relieved to be home with her where we both belonged. I’d barely slept in all the time I was gone, and our night at the hospital was no different. Even with the long nap we’d just taken, I was still drained. With my brain replaying my conversation with my parents over and over again, I drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Dillon

  We both must’ve been exhausted because we slept for almost another twelve hours straight. When I woke up the next morning, I had a couple of minutes of peace before the memories of my conversation with my parents hit me.

  “Shit,” I groaned.

  Faith rolled over and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “Or yours.”

  “But it feels like it is. I already felt like shit because I wasn’t the one behind the wheel when we got into the accident. How am I going to move past the guilt of knowing that Declan died in order for me to live?”

  “I don’t have all the answers. Or any of ‘em really,” she sighed. “But I think I know someone who can help.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. Hold on a second.” She rolled out of bed, padded across the floor to where her purse was on top of the dresser, and dug through it. When she climbed back onto the mattress, she handed me a cream-colored business card.

  “What’s this?” I asked, flipping it over. “A therapist?”

  “Yeah, she’s the best one Sarah had me talk to. I’ve seen a few others over the years, but I never really opened up to any of them. This one was different though. Or maybe it was just me who was different since it was after the transplant. Either way, she helped me move past some of the shit from my childhood, and I thought maybe she could help you too.”

  “My parents wanted me to talk to someone after the accident. I went in a few times, but the guy didn’t exactly inspire confidence. He seemed like a pompous douche to me.” I went over what my parents had told me about their decision to withhold the truth from me back then. “I guess he might’ve been the one to suggest to them that I wasn’t able to handle what’d really happened to Declan. So my instincts might’ve been right when it came to him.”

  “Will you give her a chance? For me? I can promise she’s not a douche.”

  “I already figured that out since you’d never open up to someone who didn’t earn your trust.” I glanced down at the card again. “I guess if there was ever going to be a time when I’d need therapy, this would be it.”

  “Can I call and make you an appointment? If I explain the situation, I can probably get you an appointment for after hours today since I’m a former patient.”

  “Will it be too weird for me to use your ex-therapist?”

  “Actually,” she drawled. “I was kind of hoping we could both see her.”

  “Shit, baby. I’m sorry. I hadn’t even—”

  “Stop.” She pressed her fingers against my lips. “What I’m feeling right now pales in comparison to what you’re going through.”

  I nipped at her fingers. “Doesn’t matter. Even at my lowest, I’m always going to want to take care of you.”

  “And that’s one of the things I love most about you. But you better get used to it going both ways because this relationship is a two-way street, babe.”

  I leaned in closer and murmured against her lips, “That’s my tough girl.”

  “Damn straight.”

  “Yeah. Go ahead, baby. Schedule us appointments with the therapist.”

  I was shocked, and a little bit impressed, when she was able to get us in at five o’clock that night. We spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. My dad had let me know in a text message that I shouldn’t worry about missing work because he’d arranged for me to be out on a “special project” when I sent him the text last week. He hadn’t even known what was going on with me at that point other than that Faith and I had an argument, but he’d still covered for me because that’s just how my dad was. He did whatever had to be done to make sure I was protected. He always had, and that was the ironic part of this whole thing since my parents’ desire to protect me was the reason why they’d decided not to tell me the truth five years ago.

  “You okay with this?” Faith asked, pressing her hand against my leg to get it to stop jiggling. We were on the couch in the therapist’s waiting room, and I was nervous as fuck.

  “Yeah.”

  “You sure? Because we can bounce and figure something else out if you don’t want to talk to her. Or I can leave if you’d prefer it was just you.”

  “Stop.” I tilted her chin up and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips, not liking the worry I saw in her pretty eyes. Especially since I wasn’t sure if it was there out of concern for me or was because of a lack of confidence in how I felt about her. “If I’m here, you’re here. That’s how it’s going to be for a while unless I have to be in the office. I don’t care if that sounds needy as fuck, or codependent, or wherever the hell you want to call it. After the shit we just went through, I need you near.”

  “I do too,” she admitted softly.

  I figured she did, and it was part of the reason why sticking close to her was so damn important to me. The way I’d handled the situation had given her doubts. In herself and in us. Now that I’d managed to pull my head out of my ass when it came to our relationship, I was going to fix that for her. Period. End of story. No matter what other shit I had to deal with in my life, Faith came first.

  “And my only experience with therapy didn’t go too good, so it helps that you’re here.”

  “Always,” she promised. “Even though you don’t need to worry. Mrs. Crabtree is nothing like the psychiatrist you saw before.”

  I chuckled at her name, shaking my head. “I still can’t believe your therapist’s name is Crabtree.”

  “Yes, it presents an uphill battle with some patients. I probably should have given it more thought when I agreed to take my husband’s name and use it professiona
lly.”

  I turned towards the door that had been closed ever since the receptionist led us into the waiting room and let us know the therapist would be done with her last appointment soon. A tall woman with black hair liberally streaked with gray and kind, blue eyes stood there. Even though she was dressed nicely in a long skirt and button-up blouse, she didn’t quite fit how I expected a therapist to look. She seemed more the grandmotherly type.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “There’s no need to apologize. You know what they say about eavesdroppers and hearing nothing good about themselves. I’ve certainly heard worse.” She waved off my concern. “But I’ll keep on eavesdropping anyway, because it usually gives me an excellent opportunity to get a picture of how people behave when they think they aren’t being observed by a trained professional.”

  She walked towards us, and I stood up when Faith did but awkwardly hung back as they hugged. Faith wasn’t affectionate with many people, and seeing her reaction to Mrs. Crabtree helped to alleviate any lingering doubts I had about this being a good idea.

  “And you must be Dillon.” Mrs. Crabtree beamed a smile my way. “I’m sorry you two are going through a difficult time, but I’m so glad to have the chance to meet the guy who put in the effort in to break down Faith’s walls. Even with the short amount of time I talked to her on the phone earlier today and observing you for a couple of minutes, I can already tell you love her very much. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me since Faith is a special girl.”

  Those doubts that had already been wiped away? They were replaced by approval with the way she was talking about Faith. It wasn’t just what she said, either. It was how her eyes and voice softened. I knew she wasn’t just bull-shitting me. She really cared about Faith, and that was all it took for me to feel comfortable. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “So.” She clapped her hands together. “Who wants to talk to me first? Or do you want to come in together at first? You guys are in control of how you want this to go.”