Serenity

by Rochelle Paige

  I turned to Faith. “What do you think, baby?”

  “I’m okay with whatever you decide. I know I didn’t handle everything very well in the beginning”—she lowered her voice and stepped closer to me—“when you were gone. But I swear I’m on top of it now. It’s you I’m worried about. With you at my side, I’m already in a better place. I know I’ll be able to work through my issues and move on from here. But you? You got knocked down really fucking hard by all of this, and I don’t know how you managed to get back up again because this is some heavy shit to deal with.”

  “I got back up because I have you.”

  “And now I’m going to be totally unprofessional and start crying,” Mrs. Crabtree mumbled. I turned to find her dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “I should probably tell you guys that it would be better to speak with each of you in private so you don’t feel the need to police your thoughts out of a desire to protect each other. But I can’t help but observe that it looks like it’d take a crowbar to pry you two apart from each other at the moment.”

  “Probably because it would take more than a crowbar,” I muttered, my hand wrapping around Faith’s and tugging her even closer.

  “Together,” Faith blurted out. “We’d like to start together.”

  “Okay, then let’s do this.” She opened her office door and led us inside. Faith and I sat next to each other on the couch, and Mrs. Crabtree took the chair that was perpendicular to it. When she got settled, she smiled at both of us but settled her gaze on me. “Faith told me a little bit on the phone this morning; about your brother’s death, the transplants, and how you just discovered the truth. I’d like if you could describe it to me from your perspective.”

  "I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

  “Why don’t you start with a happy memory of your brother? And then we can move on from there,” she suggested.

  So that’s what I did. I spent the next hour spilling my guts to Mrs. Crabtree with Faith’s hand clenched in mine. When our time was up, my heart felt a little lighter, but I knew we’d barely made any progress. I wasn’t even sure how she was going to be able to make my world right again. Not with Declan gone. “The person I feel like I need to talk to about this the most is dead. What am I supposed to do about that?”

  “I have a suggestion, but I don’t think you’re ready for it yet. I’ll get you there, though. It’s just going to take some work.” She smiled at us apologetically. “And most of that’s going to need to be one-on-one.”

  “Whatever it takes, Doc.” I had to find a way to come to terms with everything that had happened. For myself. For Faith. And for my parents.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Faith

  “Hey, stranger.”

  I looked up from the magazine I’d been reading in Mrs. Crabtree’s waiting room and found a familiar face I hadn’t seen in a while. My old roommate was standing in front of me.

  “Christine!” I stood and gave her a quick hug. All of Dillon’s public displays of affection must’ve rubbed off on me. That and it was nice to see her after so long. “How’ve you been?”

  “Good.” She paused and looked around the empty room. “Well, maybe not good good since I’m here, but you know what I mean. Things could be, and have been, a hell of a lot worse. So I’ll survive this setback just like I have all the others.”

  “Is it anything I can help you with?”

  “Nah, I’ve got it covered.” She dropped down on the couch and patted the spot where I’d been sitting. “But you can cheer me up by letting me know that things are still going strong between you and your hottie. I don’t think I could handle it if you told me you’re here because the two of you broke up.”

  “We didn’t break up.” I laughed softly, shaking my head. I’d really missed how funny Christine could be. We’d had more than our fair share of crazy conversations in the years we’d lived together, and they were some of my favorite memories from college. “Dillon’s appointment was after mine, so I’m just waiting for him to finish up.”

  “You aren’t broken up, but you’re already at the point where you need couple’s therapy?” She glanced at the door to the therapist’s office. “Or pair’s therapy or whatever it’d be called when you have back-to-back appointments instead of talking shit out together.”

  “Relationship wise, we’re good. We’ve just had some other challenges we needed to deal with.” Her eyes grew huge when I gave her a quick run-down of what’d happened.

  “Whoa. I’ve heard and seen some crazy shit in my life, but that’s a lot even by my standards. Like telenovela level stuff.”

  Back in our junior year, she’d gotten addicted to watching telenovelas when her Spanish professor had suggested it as a way for his students to work on their language skills. It’d just about driven me insane because she had them on practically non-stop, but in the end her professor had been right. I’d even picked up a fair amount of Spanish, and I’d taken French in high school. And sadly, she was right. What’d happened with Dillon and me was a truth that was even stranger than the craziest fiction.

  “Yeah, you’d think after the shit I’d gone through during my childhood that the universe could cut me a break and let Dillon and I be happy. But nope. That’s not how life works, I guess.”

  “But you said you guys were good, right?”

  “Yeah, things could be better between Dillon and his parents but I think he’s getting there. It took him about a month before he went back to work for his dad and since school doesn’t start back up for me until next week, it meant we got to spend all that time together. Between that and the work we’ve been doing with Mrs. Crabtree, both alone and together, I think we’re even better than before. We faced our challenges and came out stronger for it in the end.”

  “Maybe the universe does know what it’s doing then,” she sighed. “Even though it’s hard to see when we’re in the thick of things.”

  “Maybe,” I conceded. But I still would’ve preferred to have not had everything thrown at us the way it had been.

  “I miss our middle of the night chats.” She bounced on the cushion. “I know! You guys should get married so I can throw you a bachelorette party. It’d be the perfect excuse for a sleep-over.”

  “Dillon and I don’t need to get married for you to come over and spend the night. We have a spare bedroom, you know.” Or at least it was kind of an extra now that Dillon’s best friend, Corey, had stopped crashing in it off and on.

  “C’mon. Haven’t you ever thought about doing the whole marriage and kids thing with Dillon?”

  Shockingly enough, I had. That’s how much I loved him. Enough to get past my fear of abandonment and consider a future that included being his wife and having his children. “Yeah, I have.”

  “And judging by that dreamy look on your face, I’m expecting to get a call in the near future telling me you’re engaged and want me to be the maid of honor. If I know your hottie at all, he’s dying to put a huge rock on your finger to warn off other guys.”

  “If we get married, will you stop calling him my hottie?”

  “Nope. Never.” Her eyes lit up when she looked towards the door. “’Cause that’s exactly what he is. Hot and yours.” Then she stood up and walked over to Dillon to give him a hug. “Long time, no see. We all need to do a better job of not being strangers.”

  “Yeah.” Dillon flashed her a grin, and any tension I’d felt about how his appointment had gone, or if he’d overheard my conversation with Christine, disappeared. He looked happy, and it was exactly how I liked him to be. “We need to have you over for dinner or something. Maybe throw a party before classes start up again for Faith.”

  “Oooh! A party! Yes, that!” Christine clapped her hands together. Mrs. Crabtree came up behind Dillon and cleared her throat, causing Christine’s excitement to dim. “Like a perfectly innocent dinner party, since we’re all adults now and don’t party like we’re in college anymore.”

  I wasn’t sure what that
was all about, but I didn’t get the chance to ask. Christine waved goodbye before she stepped into Mrs. Crabtree’s office and shut the door behind her.

  Dillon quickly took her place at my side. “I wasn’t expecting to see Christine here.”

  “Neither was I, but it makes sense I guess. Sarah was her case worker too, so she probably recommended Christine talk to Mrs. Crabtree at some point in time.”

  “Smart choice. I wish everybody had a Mrs. Crabtree in their life.” He led me to the elevator with his hand at the small of my back. “Now that I think of it, I should pass her card along to Corey. I bet she could help him deal with the shit that happened with his parents. I probably should’ve done it weeks ago.”

  “Cut yourself some slack. It’s not like you haven’t been a good friend to him. And you’ve been dealing with your own problems.”

  “True,” he conceded. “But I feel like I’m through the worst of it now. I’m finally coming to terms with the accident, my survivor’s guilt, and the decisions my parents made.”

  “Does that mean today’s the day?” I asked after we were in the SUV and pulling out of the parking garage.

  “Yeah, I think it is.”

  I hadn’t been sure what to think when Dillon had told me Mrs. Crabtree’s suggestion a couple of weeks ago. She thought it would be beneficial to his progress if he visited Declan’s graveside and talked through everything with his twin. Dillon had been skeptical at first too—which was understandable since Declan was dead. It would be a one-sided conversation in a cemetery. It seemed way out there to me, but eventually Dillon had come around to Mrs. Crabtree’s way of thinking and said it might help. So I’d gotten one-hundred percent behind the idea, too. Which meant that when we parked on the winding road that ran through the cemetery and Dillon froze, I needed to help him through this.

  “I’m not sure this is such a great idea,” he murmured, staring out the window of his SUV towards the row of headstones and statues where Declan was buried.

  I reached over and grabbed his hand, tugging until he turned towards me. “You were sure before we got here. It’s just the nerves talking. Ignore them, get out of the car, and go tell Declan whatever it is you feel you need to say to him.”

  “You’re not going to let me get out of this, are you?”

  I shook my head. “Nope.”

  “I just had to fall for a tough girl,” he sighed before climbing out of the car. It hadn’t taken much prodding on my part, so I knew I’d done the right thing. He waited for me to get out and kept his hand on my lower back as we walked about fifty feet in before he stopped.

  “This is it.”

  My eyes filled with tears when I looked down at Declan’s grave and saw the bouquet resting against it. “Those flowers look fresh.”

  “Yeah, my mom comes once a week to tend to the grave. She makes sure everything looks okay, sits for a while, and brings a new bouquet each time.” He moved the flowers to the side a little and ran his fingers over the words and numbers engraved into the stone marker. “I never asked why they didn’t include his date of birth and death, only the years. I don’t think I ever even really noticed it until now.”

  “That’s understandable. You were grieving, honey.”

  “My mom comes weekly. My dad at least once a month. But me? This is only my third time here. I came right after I was discharged from the hospital, and then again the first night I went to an underground poker game. But it was too hard to be here and know he was in the ground while I was walking around.”

  “And now?”

  “It isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It still hurts like a motherfucker, but I’m not struggling with the guilt like I was back then.” He reached up and stroked my cheek. “Even knowing everything, I’m handling it better. Because of you.”

  “Not just because of me,” I disagreed. “You’re the one who put the work in. Talked to Mrs. Crabtree, and did what needed to be done to come to terms with something that would’ve destroyed most people.”

  “But I’m not most people.” He brushed his lips softly against mine. “I’m the man you love.”

  I felt the tears as they slid down my cheeks. “That you are.”

  “I just wish Declan could’ve met you. Even if only once.”

  “How about you introduce me now, and then I’ll leave you to say what needs to be said in private?”

  It must have been the right thing to offer because Dillon gave me a grateful smile before turning towards the headstone once again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Dillon

  “Hey, man. It’s me. I brought my girl with me. Her name is Faith, and you would’ve loved her. Probably a little too much for my liking. But she’s amazing, so it’s not like I would’ve been able to blame you.” She smiled up at me and nodded with encouragement. “I was just telling her how I wished you could’ve met her, but if you were here then she wouldn’t be alive. I owe you for that, bro. So fucking much.”

  My chest heaved and my eyes clouded over with tears. Faith wrapped her arm around me, and I knew she was crying too because I felt her body shaking with her quiet sobs. We stood like that for a while, until we managed to pull ourselves together.

  “Thank you,” Faith whispered before she moved forward to press a light kiss over his name on the headstone. I lost it again, crying harder than before.

  “Sorry, honey,” she murmured against my chest as I held on to her through the worst of it.

  “It’s okay, baby. It was just such a beautiful gesture.” I swept the tears off her cheeks with my thumbs. “And I needed this since I never really let myself cry back then. Declan deserves to be mourned.”

  “He does.” She nodded her head after searching my face with worried eyes. “Go ahead and do that however you want. I’ll be waiting for you in the car. Take all the time you need.”

  She kissed my cheek and squeezed my hand before she walked away. I watched her progress, all the way to the SUV, to make sure she got inside okay. Then I turned back to Declan’s grave. “I told you she was amazing, and I wasn’t exaggerating. Not even a little bit.”

  I stared at his headstone for a couple of minutes, trying to figure out the best way to start all of this. Now that I was alone, it didn’t feel as natural as it had with Faith at my side. But then I had an idea.

  “I’m going to leave this with you because I don’t need it anymore.” I pulled the coin that gained me entry to Grant’s underground gambling rooms out of my pocket and set it on the bottom ledge of the headstone, tucking it behind the flowers my mom had placed there. “When Mom comes back next time, be ready for her to either smile huge or bawl her eyes out when she sees it. I’m sure they still worry about the gambling, especially since we haven’t been as close as usual. Not since I found out the truth. It was hard for me to learn how to forgive myself. I had to focus on that for a little while, before I could come to terms with the decisions they made. But I think I’ve managed to do that now. It took a lot of therapy.”

  I chuckled softly, picturing how Declan would’ve reacted to the suggestion of seeing a shrink. It almost definitely would have involved lots of eye rolling and swear words. “Yeah, you heard that right. Things were bad enough that I agreed to talk to a therapist. But you would’ve liked Mrs. Crabtree. She’s damn good at her job. Easier to talk to than I expected. And she’s the one you have to thank for this visit because she suggested it. She convinced me that there were things left unsaid between us that I needed to get off my chest or else I’d never truly come to terms with your loss.”

  My head dropped low, and I set my hand on top of the gravestone. “I feel like I need to start with an apology. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left it to you to be the responsible one all the time, even if you acted like it was fine. I know I’m not responsible for the accident, and that the outcome might’ve been the same if I’d been sober that night. Or it could’ve been me in the grave and you standing here talking to me. I’ll never know for sure, and I
’ve learned to accept that. In part because I know it’s what you’d want me to do. Just like I know you’d want me to come to terms with all the decisions Mom and Dad made back then.”

  I heaved a deep sigh and titled my head back, staring up at the sky. “I think I’ve done that too. I can’t even imagine how hard it was for them to pick between two impossible choices—do nothing and almost definitely lose us both or pull the plug on you to try to save me. They had to have been out of their minds with grief, but they still thought about how they could help strangers and donated all of your organs. It wasn’t just my life you saved that day. And in a strange twist of fate, one of those strangers was Faith. Your kidney saved her life, and your heart saved mine. So you’ve gotta know a part of you will live on with us. Always.”

  The wind swirled around me, and one of the light green petals from an orchid in the bouquet of flowers broke free. They were my mom’s favorite flower, something Declan and I had learned at a young age when we’d asked our dad why he brought them home so often. The petal drifted upwards in an odd pattern, until it came to rest on my hand. I’d never been one to believe in the paranormal, but I got goosebumps the moment it touched my skin.

  “So many strange twists of fate brought Faith to me.” I dropped the petal into the palm of my other hand to cup it there. “I guess it isn’t too much of a stretch to think this is your way of telling me you got the message. I shouldn’t be surprised since you were always the resourceful twin. You wouldn’t let a little thing like death stop you from helping me if you thought I needed it.”

  I chuckled softly and shook my head as I tucked the petal into my pocket. “Thanks, bro. I love you, too.”

  I was still smiling when I climbed into the driver’s seat of my SUV.

  “You good?” Faith asked.

  “Yeah.” In fact, I was better than good. I felt like a weight I’d been carrying for more than five years—one that’d gotten heavier when I’d learned the truth about Declan’s death and my heart transplant—had finally lifted. My twin was gone, and I missed him terribly. But I was still here, and I needed to live my life to the fullest. Which made me think about Faith’s conversation with Christine.