by Beth Mikell
My eyes fell on the picture of Ashley’s boyfriend.
Rhys Lennox.
I ran my fingertip over the frame.
My insides mushed. I hated him for that. I hated how he affected me and twisted me up in knots. Too bad my girl parts had a different opinion than my rational mind. I loved the way his dark, damp hair fell across his forehead after a workout. Or the way his green eyes crinkled at the edges when he laughed. I especially loved how he towered over me, and how manly and fresh he smelled. His fragrance haunted my mind. And the deep baritone of his laugh drove me nuts, like sex for my ears.
No, there was nothing I should love about my best friend’s stunning man meat. Repeat as necessary, I told myself.
Did crushing on Rhys make me a bad person? I was a female the last time I checked, and there was no crime against appreciating eye candy. Was I any different from any other woman on this planet who liked to ogle hot men? Each time my eyes fell on him, I had to scrape my tongue off the roof of my mouth. I felt no different than those drunken, college asshats swarming Ashley with their so-called boy charm. I felt like a bad friend, but I was magnetically drawn to Rhys, and his closeness fed me scorching sexual energy.
Okay, this needed to stop. Pronto.
Seriously, I just needed to imagine him as an old man with missing teeth—like someone hideously ugly and smelly.
Good luck with that.
The door handle jiggled behind me, and I winced. Guilt burned hot in my chest for ogling Rhys.
I heard Ashley, “Beretta? Are you in there?”
Damn, I’d forgotten about her phone. Heading toward the door, I flipped the lock. “Sorry, I was taking a minute.”
“No problem.” My friend breezed in, shutting the door with a hard slam. She flung herself down on the bed, giggling. Yes, she’d had one too many drinks. “Isn’t this party amazing?”
“Uh-huh, totally.” ‘Amazing’ isn’t the word I’d use. Watching horny sharks buzzing around lacked substance and class. Didn’t anyone know how to have a real relationship instead of this fake shit?
“Come sit beside me a minute,” Ashley said, patting the bed. “Tell me what’s wrong. You’ve been in a mood all evening.”
Ashley rolled to her side and flung a few blonde locks over her shoulder. In this moment, I envied her. Maybe if I had her hair, body shape, and classy style Rhys would have picked me. I suddenly felt dowdy and creature like—maybe even as grotesque as a zombie. I was imperfect and poor. My tough girl image made me feel inferior and ugly.
I drew closer, taking a seat. Ashley took my hand. “Why are you sad? Aren’t you having a good time?”
Shrugging, I looked away from her perfectly made up sparkling blue eyes. “I don’t know anyone.”
“What about the guys? Surely there is someone here that has sparked your interest.”
I grunted, thinking of the fucktard that I’d drowned with my drink. Yeah, what a guy? I’d rather streak naked through a prison than cozy up with any of these bozos.
“Not feeling it.” I sighed, battling a sudden headache. “I think I’m gonna head home.”
Ashley pouted. “C’mon on, Beretta. I need you here.”
At some point, I needed to share my thoughts on Ashley’s ‘need’ of me. She had college and new friends. She had loving parents and a wonderful guy.
Where did I fit in? This isn’t my world. I didn’t belong here.
“So, where’s Rhys?” I had to change the subject.
She giggled, burping a little at the end. “His brother is visiting.” She frowned. “Something about a messy divorce. They are spending some bro time at Rhys’ place.” Ashley pulled another face. “Can’t you stay? Don’t leave me alone. I’ve had a few too many.” To prove her point, she belched again, following it up with a giggle. “See?”
I rolled my eyes, annoyed. But she was right, I couldn’t leave her alone. What if some jackass took advantage of her? I’d never forgive myself. “Okay, but lay off the drinks. I’m cutting you off.”
“Deal.”
The shrill ring of a phone interrupted the moment. Ashley frowned, palming her left boob. She dug her phone out, throwing me an apologetic smile. “Oops.”
I didn’t mind finding out she’d had her phone all along, especially because I’d escaped the throng of horny guys. But as she answered her call, I knew it was Rhys by the way she said, “Hey, baby.”
I was reminded once again that love was a myth and not something I could obtain. Jealousy was a cruel, fucking beast. A renewed sense of self-loathing kicked my ass. I didn’t want to be here.
CHAPTER 4 - Past
By one in the morning, I’d managed to kick out the last of the party stragglers, since I was apparently the designated chaperone—the ever essential gate keeper to my best friend.
After settling Ashley in her bed and straightening up her apartment, there was a knock on the door.
Who the hell was that?
Anger burned through my chest. If it was another drunk, college dude, they were about to be throat punched. Yes, someone’s head was about to roll off their shoulders. I was give-out tired and ached for a shower and my comfortable bed—one of the few lucky items I’d purchased at the Salvation Army. I was clever with my money, and I wasn’t above thrifty shopping. My current outfit, including a tank, jeans, and my favorite combat boots, cost me all of ten bucks at Goodwill.
Summoning my best death glare, I stomped toward the door, throwing it open.
I about choked.
Rhys stood on the threshold, looking devastatingly handsome. His dark hair had that mussed, I’ve-been-running-my-hands-through-it look. The top of my head only came up to his wide shoulders, but I loved how delicate and feminine he made me feel. So secure. So safe. My heart started to pound.
Another reason to hate his guts. My physical reaction to him provoked desire I had no right to feel.
Before I could say a word, he stepped close, and his hands smoothed over my shoulders, suddenly happy I’d worn a tank top. The pressure in my chest tripled.
Please, God, don’t touch me. It feels too wonderful.
His head leaned closer, his gaze level with mine. “Are you okay?”
How was I supposed to talk when he was this close? He smelled so good too.
I swallowed hard. “Yes, why?” My voice squeaked. Rhys straightened, his hands caressing down my arms. I knew I shouldn’t read too much into his touch, but my rational mind wasn’t listening.
“You look…” he trailed off, his gaze narrowing.
He left me hanging. Not that I expected him to break up with Ashley and give me a shot this exact moment, but a complete sentence would have been nice.
“I’m fine,” I offered.
A faraway gleam was reflected in his eyes. Maybe I was reading him wrong. I was so tired that drool was imminent.
He nodded, and a soft smile tilted his lips. “How was the party?”
I rolled my eyes, stepping back to let him in. “Should I give you a blow by blow essay answer, or would the bullet point version be enough?”
“That good, huh?” He grunted, striding into the apartment. He offloaded a messenger bag and shed his leather jacket. It was all I could do but stay composed. I loved how his muscles bunched across his back, making it entirely clear how fit and tone he kept his body. I wanted to slip off his shirt and…
Breathe.
I needed air.
Keep busy.
Shutting the front door would force me to look away from him. I should just run out of here and never look back.
“Beretta, I know it’s late, but will you sit with me a minute?”
I’d give him the world… if he were mine.
Wordlessly, I moved closer. As he sat on the sofa, I started to take a seat on the opposite chair, but he patted the spot beside him.
“Sit here.”
My resolve was nil with him. Didn’t he know that? But I made sure there were several inches between us as I sat. “What’s o
n your mind?” I asked.
“You.”
I gave him a startled glance. “Why? I’m fine.” Please don’t say things like this. My heart doesn’t need any encouragement.
He sighed. “First, I wanted to apologize for not being here tonight, and thank you for staying. If it wasn’t for my brother’s arrival, I’d have been here sooner.”
“No worries.”
He leveled a hard gaze my way. “Don’t do that. Don’t pass this off. You always make it seem like everything is ‘no big deal’ when it really is.”
Shrugging, I looked down at his hands. “Ashley wanted a party.”
“Yes, and what Ashely wants, Ashley gets.”
Was that a note of irritation in his voice? I looked back up, but he was looking straight ahead. “Rhys, is there something wrong?”
He lifted a shoulder. “I know I’m older than her and more settled, but I’d hoped that we would have reached a more adjusted relationship after six months of dating. She is always thinking of her next party or putting herself in harm’s way.”
“She’s still young.”
“You’re not like her.”
I gave a dismissive wave of my hand. “I also work in a bar. I see this kind of stuff all the time. Ashley just needs to work it out of her system. It’s great that you’re so understanding about her… socialization needs.”
“Is that what tonight was? Tell me, how many men were here? How many hit on you?”
Surely he meant Ashley. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly chilled and shaky. “Several.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Very uncomfortable.” Where was he going with this?
“As it should. Ashley should feel this way too, but she enjoys the attention of other men.”
“But she wouldn’t cheat on you.”
A line appeared between his brow. I wanted to smooth it away.
“I’m not suggesting she would,” he said, sounding sad and weary. “But we are not headed in the same direction anymore.” He looked away. “If you hadn’t been here, there’s no telling what would have happened. It shouldn’t be like this. She shouldn’t need a chaperone.”
I rested a hand on this thigh. Dumb move, but I wanted to reassure him. “Don’t worry. Ashley will get tired of this party life.”
Rhys took my hand, squeezing, centering his gaze on me. “Will she?”
My eyes crossed, and I nearly fainted as the heat from his skin traveled up my arm.
“Sure.” I nodded, wanting to ask more questions about his relationship with my friend, but I refrained. I couldn’t get in the middle. I snatched my hand away. “I’m going to go—” Moving to stand.
“I’d like to ask you something,” he said.
I sank back onto the sofa. “Okay?”
“My brother, Kellan, is going to be staying with me for a while. I need someone I trust to do some light housekeeping. Nothing major. Just straighten up my apartment and pick up my dry cleaning.”
“Why don’t you call a service? I’m sure they can offer professionals that would be ideal.”
He nodded. “True, but I’d rather have someone I trust. Kellan is in a dark place with his divorce, and I’d like to be sure he’s not chasing the housekeeper around.”
Hmm. “So, I’m not sexually appealing? Great.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
I rubbed my temple, wincing. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. You’re sexy as hell—”
“You should have said.” I loved his compliment more than I should. My heart didn’t need any encouragement. I would not indulge my thoughts. I would not tell myself that Rhys thinks I am sexy as hell.
He threaded his hands through his hair. I was right about him plowing rows earlier.
“I’d like to share something that I haven’t told anyone,” he said softly. “Kellan’s pro baseball career isn’t going well because his home life has suffered a hit. He stepped out on his wife, and she found out. The girl he slept with is only eighteen and pregnant. He tried to pull a dick move and say the baby wasn’t his. I’ve advised him to do a paternity test when the time comes. He regrets what he did, but it’s too late. He broke his wife’s trust.” He sighed. “He’s my younger brother, and I have to look out for him.”
The worry and devastation on his face pulled at my heart. I hated that I couldn’t be more than just a friend. I knew right then, the love I felt for this man would be my undoing.
“I’ll do what I can to help you, Rhys.” I couldn’t say no. I leaned closer, shoulder bumping him. It was an awkward move, since our shoulders didn’t line up. “I appreciate you asking me.”
He smiled. “Thank you, now I won’t be worried that a stranger is fucking with his head and heart because they see him with dollars signs instead of a man who needs to straighten out his life.”
“I’ll try to be at your place by eleven.”
Snapping his fingers, he leaned back and pulled out a keychain. “Which reminds me, here’s an extra key. Just let yourself in.” He held the ring, dangling off his index finger. “I’ll leave you some money and directions to the dry cleaner that I use.”
I took the keys, relishing the warmth of the metal against my palm. I was so pathetic. How could I be so obsessed with him? I should know better than to accept a position that would place me closer in his life.
“I should get going,” I murmured.
He nodded. “Let me walk you out.”
“No, that’s okay,” I said in a rush. “I’m sure you would like to check on Ashley. I’m parked close to the building. Besides, I’m used to it, especially working nights at a bar.”
A hard look formed across his face and he shook his head. “I’ll see you out.”
And he did.
As I drove away, I clutched his keys against my heart with tears falling down my face. I shouldn’t have said that would help him. I should have walked away.
CHAPTER 5 - Present
The applause, filling Muze, gave me chills. Several people cried for an encore, but I rarely listened. Glancing at Riven, he nodded and gave me two thumbs up. I knew he wanted me to sing my song. The one that sat folded up in my back pocket. As a sea of faces stood waiting, I made up my mind.
I’d sing the song.
“Okay, guys,” I said, strumming my guitar. It had been years since I played my song, but I hadn’t forgotten, especially not when my soul was wrapped up in the lyrics. “Since you’ve all been such a great crowd tonight, I’ll give you another song.”
Everyone clapped and whistled, making me smile. I’d never thought of myself as a singer or a woman that enjoyed the limelight, but I can say the positive feedback was good for the soul. “Before I sing, I’d like to give a huge thank you to the Grant O’Riley Band, London Docks, and Kate Vernon for gifting us with their voice talent tonight. Give them some love. They were awesome.”
As everyone went clap-crazy, I composed my jitteriness. I’d never performed my own music in front of a live audience before. I literally felt naked and exposed, willing myself not to puke.
“This is a song I wrote years ago,” I said, flashing a smile at Marcus, the lead singer of London Docks, when his mouth dropped open. “Yes, you heard me right. I wrote this. It’s called… Love Unplugged.”
I allowed the words to flow out, not focused on anyone but the building rhythm of the music. For a moment, I gave myself permission to feel the words, to be the words of my heart. I wouldn’t hold back.
“We were strings… matched perfect. We loved unplugged…” Each word built on the next, making me twenty-one again. I felt raw and untamed—just like before. A time when I’d been free and youthful. Stupid, yet happy. All the love I felt for Rhys came crashing into me. “… I hear the echo of your voice, but I turn and you’re not there. And I’m going crazy… crazy.”
Tears pricked my eyes.
There were so many nights I listened to the sounds of our daughter
’s breaths. Dreaming. Wishing. Remembering. But this was the choice I’d made. I chose to leave. To run. To hide. To let him have his own life. And I had to live with that.
As the last note of my song faded, everyone went into another round of cheers. My tears were flowing freely, and I just felt sick. I couldn’t believe I’d sung this song. It meant too much to me. At a time when I’d loved the most and lost my whole world.
I made my way off stage, taking the praise and pats on the back with the grace of a watery smile. I felt numb inside. I reminded myself that I didn’t sing for myself or even for Rhys. Our chapter in life had closed long ago.
I sang for Erin.
For my precious daughter.
If my song writing could give her a better life, then I would expose my heart. I’d open myself up and give away the pieces of my soul that no longer held a spark.
One by one, everyone emptied Muze, and I sat at the bar in a daze. I needed to lock the front door, but my internal numbness made me feel paralyzed.
“Beretta?”
I tensed. I hadn’t heard the newcomer arrive. My gaze shifted to the source of the voice, and my whole world shook. I rocked so hard I gripped the edge of the bar, wanting to pass out. A series of emotions tumbled through me all at once, ranging from ‘oh shit!’ to ‘this cannot be happening.’ To ‘oh my God, he’s here!’
He was the one man who held the power over my heart. He could change my future—either negatively or positively. I never thought I’d see him again, though my heart wished every day to have him cross my path. I loved him with a love that superseded normal. Sometimes crazy, sometimes paranoid, and always completely.
Five years had changed him. At a glance, there was a hardness to him, a roughness that had never been there before. He stood tall and lean, the same, but different. His dark hair was the same shade of rich black, cut shorter, and threaded with a little gray at his temples. His eyes were unreadable, but still the same shade of green I always loved. Got lost in.
His mouth was set firm, neither smiling nor angry. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, yet I didn’t care. Everything faded, but my joy of gazing into his face, and absorbing his presence. A familiar and powerful lust swarmed me. I shook hard as waves of long, forgotten pleasure rolled through me.