Finding Valor

by Ripley Proserpina

  CAI WAS AWAKE. He looked better, skin brighter, less sallow. He was smiling, listening to whatever it was Nora excitedly explained. Ryan couldn’t hear her, but through the window he could see her hands moving.

  As he turned the corner, Matisse met his eyes and winked. “Seok has created a monster.”

  “Impossible,” Seok argued. Leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees, Seok smiled widely at Nora. “Go on. Tell Cai what else you learned.”

  “What are they talking about?” Ryan dropped the bags on the extra bed and took a seat next to Apollo.

  “She-Hulk.”

  “Who?”

  “Don’t ask,” Apollo said. “But we need to be excited. She got a second interview at a place downtown, and she’s researching lesser known comics.”

  “She-Hulk is pretty well-known, not like Polaris or Domino. She should probably know those, too,” Ryan mused.

  Seok hissed at him, but the moment Ryan had spoken, the room got quiet.

  “I really like She-Hulk, though,” Nora whined. “Seok? Who is Polaris?”

  “We’re just starting. You can’t know everyone.” He shot Ryan an angry glare. “Don’t worry about it right now.”

  Her face, which had been worried, cleared. “No?”

  Reaching forward to brush her hair back, Seok reassured her, “No. Keep telling Cai what you’ve learned.”

  “You don’t remember any of this?” she asked Cai. “I told you about it when you were sick. I don’t want to bore you.”

  “I really don’t.” Cai’s voice was rough. It made Ryan want to clear his throat in sympathy. His friend reached forward, lightly brushing Nora’s temple. “I’m so sorry.”

  “You didn’t do it on purpose,” Apollo jumped in. “I was in the car with you, Cai. You were completely out of it.”

  “I told you it was an accident,” Nora added.

  The muscles in his cheek jumped as he clenched his teeth. “No excuse.”

  “I’m fine. Really.” She took his hand and kissed it. “Promise. I feel completely safe with you.”

  His friend’s shoulders relaxed, and he leaned back into his pillows, closing his eyes. “What took you so long?” he asked suddenly.

  Ryan’s unintentional pause was long enough to trigger their suspicion.

  “Ryan?” Cai’s voice took on a forceful tone; it compelled him to answer. Nora’s brows drew together, worry warring with fatigue.

  “Homework.”

  Now it was Cai’s turn to look worried. Mentally, he pleaded with Cai not to push it.

  “Bullshit.”

  Mentally he groaned, he should have remembered the other human lie detector. Matisse glared at him, challenging him to repeat the half-truth.

  “I got caught up in an assignment.” Truth. “And lost track of time.” Also true. “I’ll explain more later; now’s not the time—” Accept it, man. Don’t keep on me.

  “You’re okay?” Nora interrupted.

  “Yeah.”

  She needed to relax. Between the dark circles, bruise, and weariness, she was ready to keel over. He wasn’t going to do anything to make her feel worse. “I’m fine. Everything will be fine.”

  Her mouth opened, ready to argue, but she was distracted by Cai pulling her hand. His eyes locked with Ryan’s for a moment before flashing to Nora’s. “He said he’s fine. It’s fine. How about you lie down and take a nap?”

  She shook her head. “No. I’m good.”

  “You’re ready to drop,” Apollo interrupted.

  Cai lifted his arm, gesturing for her to climb next to him, but she shook her head. “I’ll hurt you.”

  “Please.” He batted long, golden eyelashes.

  Well played.

  Of course she couldn’t deny him. Carefully, she got onto the bed, tucking herself under his arm. Her eyes closed, and in moments, her breathing had evened into long, quiet snores.

  Apollo chuckled, and Seok shot him a scowl. “Sorry. Never heard her snore before. It’s fucking adorable.”

  Cai let his head rest against the pillows, hand moving across her forehead in gentle sweeps. “So what happened?”

  Ryan shook his head, worried she was still awake.

  “She’s out. Her head weighs a million pounds. I can tell.”

  Having slept with her before, he knew Cai was right. When she got all boneless, she was gone. Nothing would wake her up.

  “Nora!” Matisse said sharply.

  They hissed at him, “Shhh!”

  “Jesus, Tisse,” Cai said through clenched teeth.

  “No movement. Not even a twitch.”

  Rolling his eyes, Ryan turned back to Cai. “Reporters.”

  Matisse swore.

  “Why?” Cai asked, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

  “Her foster brother made a video. It was released.”

  “What the hell? For a guy who thought the media was the devil, he certainly took advantage of it.” Matisse shoved an angry hand through his long hair. “Was the reporter that woman?”

  “No.” The last time a reporter had cornered Nora; Matisse had been with her. They’d run into a nearby church to escape the woman’s horrible questions. “The other station. That’s why I was late. They met me at the house.”

  “My house?” Seok stood and paced the tiny room. “They were at my house? On my property?”

  “I don’t own a house.” It was clear from the glower Seok turned on him that he didn’t appreciate Ryan’s sarcasm. “Yes,” Ryan answered. “Your house. They parked across the street. Eventually they left. In the meantime, I had homework to finish. Bismarck wanted me to finish a defense for my admittance into CCSL.”

  “Good,” they all said.

  “I feel pretty good about it. It was something, writing it all out. I’ve lived with this guilt for so long, but I’d forgotten all the things I’ve done to try to get rid of it.”

  “Can we read it?” Cai’s voice was tight, and he cleared his throat. None of them liked talking about their pasts. Those times when it was necessary to discuss them were heavy and emotional. All of them tended to fall into blackness after the discussions.

  “Yeah.” The arguments he’d made scrolled through his memory. It took a moment of staring at his boots before he could meet their eyes. “I feel better.” From the looks on their faces, he could tell they understood what he meant. Glancing at his watch, he nodded. “It’s been an hour since I finished, and I still feel good.”

  “It’s her,” Cai whispered, and from behind him, Apollo made a sound of agreement. “She’s changing us.”

  “There’s more to us than our pasts,” Seok allowed. “Because of her. This relationship. I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”

  “L’amour, my friends,” Matisse meditated.

  Apollo shook his head.

  “Scoff all you want, bête, but it is. I love her. Want her in my life. Gotta start thinking about the future when that happens, which means leaving some of the past in the past. Forgiving yourself…” Matisse’s eyes widened, and his pale face grew paler. He turned abruptly, sitting in a chair. Though Ryan tried to catch his eye, Matisse stared at the floor.

  His words left them all a little shellshocked.

  “It’s a lot to consider,” Ryan admitted. “And not to get too girly…”

  Apollo groaned. “So offensive. Be a man. Men can talk about their feelings…”

  “Fine,” he retorted. “When Cai was sick last night, I realized how much you all mean to me. You’re my family, and I love you. Doesn’t matter what I’ve done, what you’ve done, we’re family.”

  “It’s hard to accept,” Matisse shot back.

  “Our pasts have made us the people we are, but they don’t dictate the people we’ll become,” Ryan countered.

  Choking, face red, Matisse stood quickly. “I need to—” Unable to finish, he left.

  “It’s not your place to tell her,” Cai remind
ed Ryan. Stilling his strokes across Nora’s head, he slowly trailed down her arm to entwine his fingers with hers. His knuckles turned white he held on so tightly. Was Cai afraid she’d leave him if she found out his past?

  “Matisse has been quiet about things too long. There’s no reason to hide.” Seok surprised him by taking Ryan’s side. “Nora and I had a”—he cleared his throat—“slightly uncomfortable conversation about sex, and she brought up some really good points. We need to be open. Christ, none of us has talked about birth control or sexual health. If we’re all involved with her, we’re all, you know, involved with each other. I’m clean. I’ve been tested.”

  “I’m clean,” Cai added. “I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone for over a year, and I was tested this summer.”

  “Ryan?”

  “I’ve been tested. I was pretty paranoid after…”

  “I’d forgotten about that.” Chuckling, Seok shook his head.

  “What?” Cai asked.

  “Spill,” Apollo commanded. He was angry, probably because there was a health-related issue he didn’t know about.

  “It was years ago, around the time I met Seok…It hurt when I pissed.”

  “Oooh. The clap.” The extent of Apollo’s sympathy was a slight wince. “It resolves with drugs. Nothing since?”

  Embarrassed, he shook his head. “No.”

  “What about Nora?” Apollo asked. “She’s right. We should have had this discussion much earlier.”

  How did he go about telling them he knew for a fact she was clean without revealing the extent of their intimacy? Shouldn’t some things remain private?

  Sure, Ryan was making peace with his past, but was it fair of him to expect everyone else to do it as well and on his timeline? He realized suddenly what he’d done to Matisse, how he’d interpreted being open about their pasts as spilling all the secrets Matisse wasn’t ready to tell.

  Ryan was inordinately relieved Nora was asleep. It was unfair of him to point fingers at Matisse, hinting at his past, when he’d only now come to terms with his own.

  “Cai,” he said. “No. All of you. Do you think Nora is it? Guys…” Forever. Did he mean forever? “I think she’s it for me. I’m going to marry her.”

  “I don’t want anyone but Nora,” Cai agreed. “And you guys are my family, but I don’t want you sitting around and gossiping about me. What happens between me and Nora happens at the pace we decide.”

  “Exactly.” Matisse stood against the door, arms crossed.

  “I apologize,” Ryan said right away.

  “I accept your apology.” Walking into the room, he held his hand out to him, and Ryan took it, pulling him in for a hug. “But friend, uncool.”

  “I spoke without thinking.” Holy shit. “I spoke without thinking.” Smiling widely, he caught Seok’s eye. His friend nodded encouragingly. It was a night of revelation. He’d moved toward forgiving himself, and now he wasn’t sitting on the sidelines, formulating perfect, exact responses. He was blurting out whatever came into his head and making mistakes.

  Matisse clapped him on the shoulder. “It is my place to talk to Nora about my past.” He took a deep breath. “Nora is…She is-she changes it all. She’s all I see. You need to let me be the one to talk to her. I’ll tell her about everything”—his breathing hitched—“about prison. But let me do it. The last thing I want is for her to think the worst of me or make assumptions about what I did to get there. Or in there,” he muttered under his breath.

  Blushing deeply, Apollo cleared his throat. “Uh.” It was the humor they needed to break the tension.

  “You think it’s possible to know so quickly?” Ryan wondered aloud, a bit amazed he’d brought up marrying the girl and none of them had balked.

  “Yes,” Matisse and Apollo answered simultaneously.

  Yeah. Maybe it was instantaneous, but it didn’t make it impossible. Rare, yes, but nothing about this relationship was typical.

  Staring at Nora, who snored a little louder, Cai nodded as well. “Yeah.”

  “Absolutely,” Seok answered. “I’m a romantic.”

  A snore so loud it seemed incredible it came from such a small person made them all jump. Ryan chuckled. “Guess we’re all hopeless romantics,” he whispered.

  Twenty-Seven

  Sleeping Beauty

  SOMETHING AMUSED THE guys, and Nora had a suspicion it was something she’d done. Carefully, she extricated herself from Cai. During her nap, she’d come to wrap her arms and legs around him like a colossal squid.

  “Did I hurt you?” she asked, worried she’d pulled an IV or something.

  “No. You kept me warm.”

  A blush heated her face. It was a little weird to be so openly affectionate with Cai. Generally, he was less effusive than someone like Matisse, Apollo, or even Seok nowadays. He’d hugged her in the past, but rarely had he snuck kisses or held her as tightly as he did now.

  Not that she was complaining. She loved it, but she did find herself sneaking peeks at the other guys to make sure they were okay. Apollo caught her eye and smiled, giving her a small nod.

  Slowly, careful not to dislodge or pull any wires, she sat up. “Was the nurse in while I slept? How’s your temperature?” She pressed her wrist to Cai’s forehead. He felt cool and dry.

  “No, not yet.” Even his voice sounded better.

  “Have you tried to eat?”

  “Not yet.”

  She slid her legs over the bed and stood, stretching her arms over her head. “Do you want to try something?”

  “The kitchen has popsicles and juice,” Matisse told them.

  “How about a popsicle?” she offered.

  “Grape?” he asked hopefully.

  Giggling, she leaned over and kissed his forehead. “Grape. You got it.” She glanced at the other guys. “Who else wants one?”

  Ryan stood up. “I’ll come with you.”

  “Okay.” She took his hand when he reached for her.

  Hospitals were noisy. She’d forgotten how noisy. Televisions blared from rooms, and visitors gathered around doorways, talking to each other and the patients inside. It brought back how stressed she’d been when she’d stayed here. How she’d barely slept, how alone she’d felt. It was a completely different experience compared to this one.

  The kitchen was empty. Ryan found a tray and began to pile food on it. There were a surprising amount of choices, and he seemed to want five of everything. She stopped his hands. “We don’t need this much.”

  His eyes were focused somewhere behind her, and he startled when she touched him. “Huh?”

  There was nothing over her shoulder but a patient’s room. She’d turned back to him when she heard a familiar voice. “I will kill people. You will be told I am crazy. Sick. But I’m not. Don’t trust the experts they trot out to speak to my illness. The root of the illness is society. I can’t allow myself to feel pity. Not even for my…for the people I love.”

  She pressed her hand against her chest. Her heart pounded against her ribs, thump, thump, thump.

  Brown eyes and the barrel of a gun.

  “Nora.”

  Wrenching herself from her daydream, she focused on Ryan. “Reid,” she managed to say.

  He nodded. “I know.”

  “How?”

  She was distracted by another voice, yet again familiar. “Reid showcases all the signs of a paranoid schizophrenic. People close to him have stated similar observations beginning in his early teens and into his twenties.”

  “That’s Dr. Murray.”

  “Nora.” He took her face, bending low so they were eye-to-eye. “Don’t listen.”

  “It’s not true. Reid wasn’t schizophrenic. I lived with him. He was never delusional.”

  “Come on.” Grabbing her hand, he hooked it around his arm and then picked up the tray of food.

  It was quiet in the room when they entered but only for a second. Cai held o
ut his hand, and she went to him, curling up next to him without a word. He didn’t speak either, only rubbed her back in small, soothing circles while the others spoke.

  “It’ll be okay,” Cai soothed.

  “I know,” she answered. It was easy to believe while surrounded by her guys and wrapped in Cai’s arms. She craned her neck to look at him. “I’d just hoped it was over. The manifesto was the end. They even spoke to Dr. Murray.”

  “About you?” he asked, angrily.

  “No. About Reid,” she replied.

  “Oh. He was the local expert?” Cai didn’t seem surprised. When Nora waited for an explanation, he added, “Reporters find someone to talk about whoever is involved in whatever horrible thing happened. They usually choose a social worker or the police or a psychologist. It’s to try to explain why.”

  “Oh.” What he said made sense, but it still bothered her that Dr. Murray would speak about Reid to the wider world.

  “I didn’t realize he knew Reid,” Cai said thoughtfully.

  Nora remembered the picture hanging in Dr. Murray’s office and what little she’d heard since joining the study. “Reid was a participant.”

  There was a pause in the circles, and then Cai began again. “Oh?”

  “Yes. In the interview, he said Reid was mentally ill, and he wasn’t,” she went on. “Not when I knew him.”

  “Nora, he went into a school and killed kids,” Cai said gently. The other guys were silent, listening to their conversation.

  She found herself wanting to defend Reid. “No. I mean. Yes. I know he did, and obviously he wasn’t well, but the way he described Reid. How…? I thought this was all confidential.”

  “I don’t know how it works,” Cai sympathized.

  “What a mess,” Apollo added.

  Nora shifted, turning to see him. He, as well as Seok and Matisse, were on their phones, thumbing across the screens. “What does it say?” She assumed they were reading about Reid.

  “Same as what you heard. Posthumously, a video was released to the news station; they interviewed Dr. Murray, who said he was schizophrenic. They mention you. Ah…” Apollo sighed.

  “What?” What had he said? Was it her fault?