Finding Valor

by Ripley Proserpina

  “From something Reid said. It sounds like he knew you were there and planned on killing you.”

  “What?” In her head, her voice was a screech, but she could barely push out the whisper.

  Dark eyes met hers. “Baby, I’m sorry. He wasn’t well.”

  She turned away, pushing her face against Cai’s chest and closing her eyes. “It still sucks.”

  “I love you,” Cai whispered into her hair. Her curls fluttered across her forehead, tickling her skin.

  “I love you, too.” It made everything bearable.

  The chair near the bed scraped across the floor, and a heavy arm draped over her waist, covering her hand. “It’ll be okay, baby,” Apollo soothed.

  “Do you think everything will get worse again?” She’d maybe found a job, and on her walk through the hospital, no one had stared her down.

  “I don’t think so,” Apollo said. “I think it’ll be okay.”

  One more second to wallow, and then she was done. “Okay,” she said, sitting. “Okay. Moving on.”

  Matisse and Seok watched her, both eyeing her like she was about to explode. Turning to Ryan and Apollo, she asked, “Don’t you have homework?”

  It was a transparent attempt to change the subject, but they let her have it.

  “Yeah.” Apollo found a bag and dug through it, pulling out his computer and a textbook.

  “You can have this super-comfortable chair,” Matisse offered.

  Apollo groaned. “I hope the doctors discharge him soon.”

  “Let’s see if I can make it happen,” a voice said. A young woman came through the door carrying a laptop. “Malachi Josephs…you have quite an entourage.”

  “Family,” Cai corrected.

  “Family.” Smiling down at her chart, the doctor nodded. “So, let’s see. Scarlatina, strep. Let’s take a temp, check you out, you can tell me your pain level, and we’ll go from there.”

  She worked with brisk purpose, chatting the entire time and putting all of them at ease. At the end of her examination, she tapped her finger on her chin and considered Cai. “I could go either way, Mr. Josephs. Your temp is normal, and you’ve been twenty-four hours on antibiotics… But your rash looks painful.”

  “It’s going to be painful here or at home. Not like you’re giving me morphine,” he argued.

  “True.” She put her hands on her hips. “You want to go home?”

  Nora wouldn’t answer for him, but she hoped he’d say yes. Her bed. Her house. Her shower. It sounded like heaven.

  “I’d like to go home,” Cai answered.

  “Give me another twenty-four hours, fever free. Sound good?”

  The entire room groaned.

  “The thought of another night in this chair cramps my back,” Apollo whispered.

  “I’ll be back tomorrow. Best thing you can do is sleep,” the doctor directed.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Cai answered, and the doctor giggled.

  “Ma’am. A gentleman. Be still my heart,” the doctor twittered.

  While the nurse who’d brought Ryan scrubs had annoyed Nora, this doctor merely amused her. With a wink in Nora’s direction, it was obvious she was joking. As she left with a wave over her shoulder, everyone slumped.

  “The walls are closing in,” Ryan muttered.

  “Do your homework,” Cai said, pushing himself up. “Nora can snuggle me.”

  “How long you going to milk this?” Apollo asked, falling onto the chair. “Maybe Nora wants to snuggle me.”

  Warning alarms went off in her head. Arms crossed, chin against his chest, Apollo sat like an angry little boy. An angry, hurt little boy. Eyes glued to the floor, he ignored her footsteps as she came closer.

  “Hey,” she whispered, leaning down.

  His eyes flitted to hers. “What?”

  “When you’re sick, I promise to snuggle you in bed.”

  His fingers dug into his sleeves, and he nodded but stared at the floor again.

  “Cai’s sick.” She didn’t want to give him a guilt trip, but she needed him to pull himself out of the funk he was sinking into. “And he won’t argue with you, but I think he needs me.”

  Dark eyes pinned hers. Grown-up Apollo wanted to do the right thing, but the part of him who needed affection couldn’t push the hurt aside. This was a man who needed to be number one with someone, and he deserved to be.

  “I love you, Apollo. No one could take your place in my heart.” Shame was the last thing she wanted to make him feel, and when he wouldn’t look at her, she could bang her head against the wall. Swinging her legs around, she straddled him and hooked her hands around his neck. “Listen to me, Apollo Morris. I love you.” His hands clutched her hips to hold her steady. Dipping her head low, she caught his lips, biting his lower lip with a sharp nip. “I love you.”

  His forehead dropped against her throat, and his arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want you to be sorry,” she whispered in his ear. “I see you. I see how this makes you feel.”

  Her neck prickled; she knew the other boys were watching them, but she didn’t let it rush her.

  “I know, baby. I’m working on it,” Apollo whispered. His lips tickled her nose.

  “We all are,” Seok interrupted. “You’re not alone, man. Think it’s easy for me to see her with you?”

  While she appreciated how Apollo wouldn’t feel alone as he dealt with his jealousy, it did bring up a bigger issue she was not ready to deal with. She was too tired, too sore, and honestly, too worried about Cai to think about how, right now, no one was happy.

  Hands against Apollo’s shoulders, she pushed off his lap, slipping on the linoleum. “Mind some company?” she asked Cai, who watched her with raised eyebrows.

  “Love some,” he rasped.

  Shaking the pitcher next to the bed to make sure it still had ice, she poured him a cup of water. He sipped with closed eyes before letting his head rest against the pillows. “Thanks.”

  She set the cup on the nearby tray and carefully scooted next to him, sliding her body against his. The smooth plastic of his IV wound around her as he pulled her into his arms, and it reminded her how sick he was. The doctor’s description of the possible side effects he could face echoed in her mind. Heart attack, infection. No matter how uncomfortable they were, she was glad they were staying another night here. She wanted him monitored—temperature taken, symptoms observed.

  Gently, she brushed the hair off his forehead, fingers lingering for a moment against his skin, checking his warmth.

  “I’m okay,” he whispered. “Just tired.”

  “You sure?”

  He hummed in reassurance, stroking his hand along her spine. The room stayed quiet, everyone seemingly caught up in their own thoughts. She stared at the wall, watching it move as Cai’s chest rose and fell rhythmically. Her lids drifted closed, and she didn’t try to fight it. She fell asleep pushing away her worries, only allowing herself to hear Cai’s heartbeat beneath her ear.

  Twenty-Eight

  Again

  NORA AWOKE SWEATING. The dry air of the hospital made her throat scratchy, but she was overheating from the inside out.

  Except it wasn’t her, it was Cai. He moved beneath her, twitching uncomfortably. Carefully she sat, straightening the IV and unwrapping his arm to lay it on his chest. Beneath his closed lids, his eyes moved back and forth. His hair stuck damply to his face, and her stomach dropped. He was sick again.

  The other boys were asleep as well. Matisse and Seok curled on the other bed; Apollo was splayed in the chair, arms crossed, feet propped on the bed with Ryan in a similar position.

  While, for sure, Apollo could tell her he was sick, she wanted the nurses and doctors to make him better immediately. Opening the door slowly, she crept into the hall and down to the nurse’s station.

  “Hi,” she greeted a nurse busy at work on a computer.


  “Hi.” The nurse smiled. “Can I help you?”

  “I’m with Cai Josephs.” She pointed down the hall. “His fever is back, I think, and he looks really uncomfortable.”

  “Okay.” Standing, the nurse followed her back to Cai’s room. Once inside, she took Cai’s temperature, heart rate, and blood pressure.

  Shuffling from place to place and removing medical equipment wasn’t noisy, but the guys woke up anyway. Not Cai though. Even when the nurse wrapped the cuff around his arm and swiped the thermometer across his forehead, his eyes stayed closed.

  “What’s going on?” Apollo asked, dropping his feet to the floor and stretching.

  “Cai’s fever is back.”

  The nurse grunted, agreeing. “I’m going to page the doctor.” Pushing buttons on the IV machine, she spoke without looking at them.

  “Is he going to be okay?”

  “I want to make sure the antibiotics are clearing up his infection. He couldn’t be in a better place to be sick.” She finally glanced over at them and smiled. “We have all the doctors and the medicine.”

  It didn’t make her feel better. The antibiotics should have worked; his fever had broken. Why was he sick again?

  Seok and Matisse both sat on the side of the bed. Their eyes tracked the nurse as well, and after she left, they stayed silent.

  Cracking her knuckles, Nora stood by Cai’s bed, staring at him while he slept. Was he sleeping? Or was he unconscious? Was he in a coma? Why hadn’t she thought to ask?

  “Apollo?” Her voice cracked, and immediately his hard chest pressed against her back.

  “He’ll be okay.”

  Matisse appeared at the other side of Cai’s bed, and a moment later, so did Seok and Ryan. “Ryan?” Matisse’s dark eyes flicked up, and Nora’s zoomed in on him. There was a tremor in his voice she’d never heard before. “What are our rights? We’re not his family.”

  “We have medical power of attorney,” Ryan spoke while staring at Cai, reaching for his arm. “I did it for him years ago.”

  “So they won’t kick us out?” she asked. The idea of being separated from him now made her sick.

  “No.” He shook his head. “I should go get the paperwork.”

  “Can you do it for me, too? After this? All of you?”

  Arms wrapped around her, and Apollo pulled her back against his chest. His breath displaced her curls, and they blew over her forehead. “I’d forgotten we did it.”

  “You didn’t do it for me,” Matisse interrupted.

  “I will. I’ll do it for you and Nora.”

  They stayed in place, staring at Cai’s sleeping form, watching him shift and stretch and with each passing moment grow more flushed. The rash on his neck stood out, red against pasty, pale skin.

  “Where is the doctor?” she whispered. Pressing her hand against his forehead, she hissed in a breath. “He’s warmer.”

  “Excuse me.” The female doctor from earlier elbowed her way past them. Nora watched as she rubbed her knuckles against his chest, calling his name loudly, “Cai! Cai!”

  A groan emanated from him, and he twisted on the bed, but his eyes didn’t open. “Mr. Josephs!” The doctor lifted one eyelid and then the other, shining a small light. Spitting directions and questions at the nurse, she moved around the room. “I need space in here,” she said suddenly, her attention on all of them. “Please wait in the visitors’ room.”

  But Nora didn’t want to leave. What if he woke up and was frightened? What if he needed her? “I’ll stay in the corner.”

  “Please, Miss, I need space to move, and I appreciate your concern, but I need to focus on Cai.”

  Fear punched her solidly in the chest, and she might have lost it if Apollo hadn’t curled around her and pulled her with him. “It’s okay, baby. Come on.”

  The doctor had pulled off her stethoscope and was listening to Cai’s chest, eyes glazed as she focused on whatever she needed to hear. Her attention was entirely on him, as it should be. Without another word, Nora let Apollo guide her from the room and into the hallway. Her eyes scanned the guys, all of them sallow and frightened, huddled together but distant.

  It hurt her, seeing them so lost. Holding tight to Apollo’s hand, she dragged him to the others, hooking her arm with Ryan and then snagging Matisse and Seok. They needed each other right now; it wasn’t time to turn inward and let fear isolate them.

  “We’re together.” She turned to each of them, making sure to catch and hold all of their gazes. “The nurse is right; there is no better place for Cai to be. We’ll take care of him, and we’ll take care of each other.” A tremor traveled from the base of her spine to the top of her head, and she shivered. Clenching her teeth, she focused. “I’m afraid he won’t get better.”

  “He has strep,” Apollo answered quickly. “People don’t die from strep. But I am afraid he’ll have brain damage.”

  “I snapped at him,” Ryan added. “I’ve been snapping at all of you. I’m sorry.”

  “I should have checked on him last night,” Matisse said. “I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit I haven’t been very much of a friend to any of you.” His eyes lingered on Nora’s. “I’m sorry.”

  Seok stared at the ground, hands raking through his hair as he pulled at the strands. “Cai was my first friend. My first real friend. He is a brother to me. It hurts me to see him hurt.”

  It didn’t make her feel any better to have all their deepest worries laid out, but it did connect them, tie them together so they weren’t stuck on an endless loop of horror in their minds. They found strength in each other. Matisse wound his arm around Seok, embracing him. Apollo lifted her off the ground, and she wrapped her legs around him before reaching for Ryan and curling her arm around his neck. They stood that way, supporting each other. Moving from one person to another, she was struck by how much they needed each other.

  The guys needed each other, and they needed her, but their love for each other was as strong as anything Nora’d ever come across. It filled her with hope; how could they not succeed in their relationship when there was this much love between them all?

  Eventually they drew apart, finding places to perch or rest while they stared at the door, waiting for the doctor to return. The sun was up, and she wasn’t tired. Wired, jittery. Nora willed Cai to get better.

  Walking to the window, she stared at the gray sky. The hospital was perched on top of a hill, and depending on which side of the building they were, the entire town and Lake Champlain was visible. Today, the clouds hung low, a perfect reflection of her mood. Students, black and blue figures, raced between buildings, some holding umbrellas in preparation for the threatening rain. A pointed chin pressed into the curve of her neck, and she leaned back, gripping Ryan’s arms when he cupped her shoulders.

  “There is my frat.”

  She followed his gaze to a huge, brick mansion on the corner. “Wow. It’s beautiful. I didn’t know you were in a frat.”

  “Ryan completes our multicultural group,” Matisse added. “He’s Greek.”

  “Lame,” Apollo scoffed. “But as frats go, Ryan’s isn’t so bad.”

  “It’s a community service frat,” Seok said from behind them where he sat on the hard couch.

  “You and Cai have a lot in common.” She thought about Cai’s work at the youth center and Ryan’s with Legal Aid. “I need to volunteer more.” She leaned her head on Ryan’s cheek. “You’ll have to help me be better.”

  Twenty-Nine

  The Best People

  RYAN STARED AT his old fraternity, Nora’s words filtering to him slowly.

  I need to be better.

  In his mind, she was the best there was. All of his friends were “better” than him. Cai the best of people. He’d never hurt anyone in his life.

  If anyone deserved the best of things, it was him. Which made his illness all the harder to bear. A throat cleared behind them, followed by, “Mr. Joseph’s family?
”

  Nora jumped, spinning toward the door and away from him. “Is he okay? What’s wrong?”

  The doctor from earlier smiled. “Pneumonia. The poor guy. Infection’s settled in his lungs, but we’ve adjusted the dose of antibiotics and fever reducers. We’re going to keep monitoring him closely, so I’m afraid he’ll be with us for a while.”

  “Fine.” The others voiced similar opinions. As long as he needed to stay; as long as he got better.

  “I think you all need some rest.” Her gaze skittered over them. “Go home. Get some sleep. He’ll be out for a while.”

  Stepping forward, Nora touched the doctor lightly on her arm. “Are you sure he’s going to be okay?”

  The taller woman stared down at her, the smile slipping from her face. “Nothing is ever one hundred percent, but he is young, strong, and has friends who seem to love him more than sleep. Or comfort. I have every confidence he’ll be fine.”

  An audible breath left her, and she slumped. “Thank God.” The smile she gave Ryan when she turned around was blinding. “I think I might go home for a shower.”

  “You guys go,” Seok directed. “I’ll stay the day. Someone can relieve me tonight.”

  “My days and nights are still messed up, so I’ll come back tonight,” Matisse replied, heading out of the room.

  They followed him, creeping back into the room to see Cai again. Whatever it was they’d given to him was working, but he didn’t look like himself. His golden skin was yellowish, and his eyes sunken. But he seemed less tense, no longer twitching or writhing uncomfortably on the bed.

  “I’m going to get what I need,” Ryan told her, pushing her toward Cai. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

  Yawning, she nodded, heading right for Cai’s bed. Her hand went to his forehead again, and before he turned away, she kissed him.

  “He is cooler, a little bit at least…”

  There wasn’t much Ryan’d unpacked. He grasped Cai’s hand, squeezing it before Nora’s. “Ready?”

  Apollo and Matisse came to the bed, each of them placing a hand on Cai, who remained asleep.