by Various
Lucas couldn’t help but feel slightly responsible. It wasn’t his fault, he knew that. But then Avery didn’t know everything. She had no idea how well Lucas knew her birth mother, and when she found out, Avery would shut him out even more. Damn it. He should have told her everything the day she answered his phone. Come clean then, taken any fall that needed to be taken and live with a clear conscious. He hadn’t realized at that time just how much he cared for Avery, but still. He should have.
Shoulda coulda woulda. You didn’t, and you can’t change the past now, idiot.
I’m going to lose Avery.
No! He had to make it right. But if Lucas told her everything, Avery would hate him. And Lucas had no right to blame her. Avery had trusted him, cared about him and he would be letting her down.
Oh, how did I manage this shit? I just want to cherish her forever.
Then come clean, and beg for her forgiveness.
Lucas hadn’t begged for anything in a long time. The last thing he ever remembered begging for was for his parents to pay attention to him. But he had been ten years old at that time. He’d stopped after that and just accepted the truth. That was the life he lived, and one got used to it after awhile.
There had been no reason to beg. He had learned to get by, even those years on the street. Who cared about love? He had food, he kept clean enough. What else was there?
Lucas had never realized love was really missing from his world until he met Avery. Until he experienced that there was good in life, and even though hers didn’t start out perfect, Avery lacked for nothing. Except the knowledge of her past, but even that didn’t seem to stop her. She hadn’t turned out like Lucas: angry, dark, hating the world. She made out well for herself. Avery had found a way to release her feelings through music. Lucas admired that. If only he could have been a good man, the way Avery grew up to be a good woman.
He wanted nothing more than to be that kind of man for her. One that Avery could look at with loving eyes every day.
But he wasn’t.
Lucas was nothing more than a man with secrets.
He could change that. He’d already started. Lucas had never shown so much of himself to one person like he had with Avery. He could even almost get used to it. When her eyes lit up and she showed that amazing smile, Lucas knew he’d done something good. He wanted more of that.
Ugh, the tense silence only made him think about strange things. Things he wasn’t sure he could ever have.
Like Avery Callimer.
Finally, their hotel came into view. Maybe once he got Avery into their suite, she would talk to him. Say something. Anything. Fall apart, even. She was so still, if it weren’t for the fact that every so often, she sniffed, Lucas would have to wonder if she was still alive.
When he pulled into the reserved parking spot and killed the engine, he looked over at her. Avery still sat unmoving. Let’s try this again.
He reached out and gave her arm a gentle shake. “Hey. We’re back.” She obviously had to know that, but Lucas didn’t have an idea what else to say. How to make it better for her.
He rushed out of the car and walked around to the passenger side. Avery had already opened the door and climbed out. She held her purse tight and looked right past Lucas.
Damn, he hated seeing her so hurt.
The same silence followed them all the way to the suite. Avery tossed her purse on the small table right by the door and flopped on the couch. Lucas sat beside her, slipping his arm around her shoulders.
Please don’t shut me out. Please let me comfort you.
She didn’t pull away. That’s when the tears came. Slow and steady at first. Avery buried her face on Lucas’s shoulder, her entire body wracked with sobs.
That tore Lucas up. “I’m sorry she didn’t show, Avery. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, holding her so close. He would hold Avery as long as she needed him to. Her sobs quieted after awhile, and she placed her hand against his chest. Her breathing turned into slow, deep breaths. Was she asleep? The thought of Avery crying herself to sleep only added to the agony Lucas channeled.
This was exactly why Lucas had to be done. Now, this time, it affected him more, because he cared about Avery.
He loved Avery.
Lucas’s eyes shot open, very alert and aware of the silent admission.
Love.
He loved her.
Lucas had never loved another woman in that way. Ever. Not even close. The last relationship he had outside of a physical one had been in his early twenties. Who had time for a steady relationship when he was considered a wanderer?
He didn’t want to wander anymore.
Lucas wanted a settled life. With Avery.
With a woman that wanted the same thing her mom wanted. Fame, travel, the world.
No. Avery was different. She wasn’t in it for fame. She loved music. Period.
So what to do? Lucas was not going to shatter Avery’s dreams, but he couldn’t hide his strong dislike for the idea of continuously going from place to place again.
Slow down. It’s not like you’ve admitted your feelings. And it’s not like she’s asked you to do anything.
Lucas shook Avery gently to see if she’d fallen asleep. She didn’t stir. As careful as he could be, he was able to get himself off the couch without waking her. Then he bent down, scooped her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Lucas slipped her shoes off her feet. Her hair splayed over the pillow, framing her sweet face. Instead of trying to deal with moving her again to cover her with the comforter, Lucas grabbed the blanket from the couch. He draped it over her. Then he bent down and kissed her lips. He sat beside her sleeping form for a few minutes, just admiring how beautiful she looked. Her cheeks were moist from the tears. Lucas gently wiped them away. He wanted to climb in bed beside her and hold her, but first he wanted to find out what the hell happened tonight.
“I don’t deserve you, Avery Callimer, but I went and did it. I fell in love with you,” Lucas whispered. He kissed her cheek, then leaned toward her ear, his lips touching it lightly. “I love you.” With one last look, Lucas left the room, turned off the light and went for his phone.
No messages. No texts. Nothing.
As he scrolled through his contacts and found the number he wanted, Lucas waited as the phone rang. She picked up, and he didn’t give her a chance to say anything.
“What the hell is wrong with you? What was with that stunt you pulled tonight?” Lucas roared. “We waited at the house for an hour!”
“Lucas, would you calm down?” Avery’s birth mother snapped. “I wasn’t planning on not showing. I swear it. Your friend Sam? Lucas, he died. I got the call as I was on the way to the house. Since he had no family, and I was the one footing the bill, I had to be there for the details. I’m sorry, Lucas.”
Died? Sam? No! Impossible. Sam was too young! Despite the head trauma from being shot, all the rehabilitation, the ability to function ... how could Sam die? Lucas hadn’t even gone to see him. He’d thought about going while he was here with Avery. With her strength, Lucas would have been able to walk into that room and face his demons, the past.
Now he would never have that chance.
“How could that be?” Lucas gripped his phone, slumping against the wall. “What happened?”
“There was a fight with one of the other house mates, Lucas. He- he stabbed Sam. Apparently, he was mentally unstable, and Sam was his target. I- I’m so sorry.” Was she actually almost in tears? Lucas didn’t know she had it in her to care, to feel. “I never realized things were so crazy over there. I should have checked more. All I ever do is send the monthly checks. I thought he was in safe hands. He looked so good the last time I saw him-”
“Wait, you’ve been to see him? When?” Lucas demanded.
How fucked up. She’d gone to see him and had no connection to Sam, and Lucas couldn’t even make the effort?
“I go every six months. Or, I did. I let it slide the last time. He asked about you all
the time. His speech was getting better. He understood. He missed you, Lucas.”
Yeah. That’s exactly what he needed right now. The guilt.
Fuck!
I’m sorry, Sam.
Sam should have been a priority. But how could Lucas walk into that place knowing that he was the one that put Sam there? Lucas recalled that night too clearly. All the time. The memory never left his mind. Sam had gotten in with a crowd far worse than Lucas knew about. They attempted to rob them that night. Lucas had been the one with the gun in his hand, just trying to make sure no one hurt anyone else. Sleep deprived, lonely, he never thought about who it was he was aiming for.
He’d changed Sam’s life forever.
To keep the press away, Avery’s birth mother made it all go away. With a few phone calls, and lots of planning and hiding, she’d fixed it.
No, that wasn’t fixing it. Lucas should have owned up to it years ago.
It had been an accident. Self defense. There had been four of them. Two of the shadows had made a lunge at Lucas. He hadn’t known it was Sam. Lucas had heard the breaking glass, the whispers, saw the dark shadows, and fired.
The other assholes had run off. They left Sam without a hesitation.
Sam had a long recovery ahead of him.
Now Sam was dead.
Why did the people he cared about the most end up fucking leaving? His parents, Sam...
“I should have never let you cover it up,” Lucas muttered. “I should have gone to see him. I can’t believe he’s gone.”
“I wanted to call you, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I really am. How is Avery? Is she upset?”
“She’s devastated,” Lucas mumbled. He stared at the door that led to the other room, thinking of the sweet beauty in the bed. Oh Avery.
A sigh. “Shit.”
Shit indeed. At least he now knew why her birth mother never showed, but now Lucas had to explain all of it to Avery and hope for the best.
Everything.
Time to come clean.
Chapter Twenty Four
Avery woke to an empty place in bed where Lucas should have been. She didn’t even recall falling asleep. The last thing she recalled was crying on Lucas’s shoulder.
Oh. Oooh. She must have cried herself to sleep. On Lucas. Oh, geez. What a night. That stuffy old woman, the house, the fact that her birth mother never showed. Avery rubbed her eyes, blinked and tried to focus. Where was Lucas, anyway?
Avery searched the suite. He wasn’t in the bathroom, not in the living room. She scrunched up her nose. Maybe he went down for something to eat, or took a walk, or something. Yawning, Avery grabbed her phone to check for messages. She had a few.
The first one was from Mom and Dad. “Just checking in to see how your trip is going. We love you! Everything is good here. Call us soon!”
Then from Laura. “How’s it going? Are you getting your sex on with hot and hunky while having fun? Miss ya!”
Jameson. “I hope we didn’t lose you to the bright lights of Hollywood. Isn’t that where you’re close to? I hope you’re finding what you need. Miss you, Baby Stetson. We all do.”
Avery almost wanted to go home now. Could she go through another disappointment of high hopes being shattered? She sure as hell didn’t want to go back to that house. She still had her curiosity, but after everything last night, her feelings changed. She thought back to the events in disgust, hating how she handled things. Avery must have looked like an idiot. The only consolation had been Lucas. He’d been right by her side, ready to comfort and ease her mind with his presence. His touch, his voice, everything.
For some reason, Avery thought she’d heard something last night that he’d said. It had to have been a dream. Avery vaguely recalled him whisper something in her ear. He loved her? No. It was a dream. Lucas wouldn’t have said that. Could he really love her?
Just wishful thinking. Avery shook it off without another thought. Instead, she took her pad from her purse to finish the lyrics she’d started writing during the sunset yesterday. She had a few more in mind. Somehow, Avery had to find a way to release the tension.
Avery sat with her legs folded on the chair, writing furiously, occasionally humming out a melody. Then a sound at the door startled her. Was it Lucas? Sure enough, when the door opened, Lucas strolled in. He was pale and he looked as if he hadn’t slept very well last night. Had he ever climbed into bed next to her? When he noticed her on the chair, he looked relieved. Lucas flew to her side and knelt beside her.
“You’re awake. How are you feeling?”
“Still processing, I guess,” Avery mumbled, putting the pen and pad aside. Lucas pulled her into his arms. “Where did you go?” She slipped her arms around his neck. Avery had come to love being in his embrace.
“Went for a run.” Lucas’s breathing against her ear tickled. He sounded like he had a lot on his mind. “I thought you would have slept a little longer.”
“I think I slept quite a bit. I’m sorry I cried myself to sleep on you last night. I- I don’t know what to say.”
“Avery, you have nothing to apologize for. You were upset, and that was a natural reaction. I just wish I could have done something more for you.” Lucas touched her cheek gently. His warm fingers on her skin tingled, a reaction she had every time Lucas’s hands were on her.
“You’ve been wonderful, Lucas. I appreciate everything. You have done so much,” Avery whispered, overcome with emotion once again. This time, she didn’t cry. She smiled and kissed his lips. When he didn’t kiss her with the same passion, Avery pulled back. “Lucas?”
Something was wrong. But what?
Lucas took her hands in his, watching her with such a serious look. He swallowed, like he had something to say and didn’t know where to start. Avery’s stomach clenched.
“Avery.” His voice was strangled, wrapped in agony. Lucas looked down, and when he met her gaze again, his eyes were clouded. “I- I have so much to say.”
“What’s going on, Lucas? You look so terrified all of a sudden.”
Lucas nodded. “Terrified? You could say that. I’m terrified of opening myself to you, showing you all of the horrible things that have made up the last fifteen years or so of my life and then losing you. I love you, Avery. I’ve known you just a few weeks, but damn it, I know what my heart is telling me. I love you. Believe me when I say I have never, ever spoken those words like this, so I know what I’m feeling is real. There is so much about me you need to know, and you’re probably going to hate me.”
“Let me be the judge of that,” Avery said, processing what Lucas just told her.
He loved her! He loved her?
Lucas sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Start at the beginning,” Avery prodded. Whatever Lucas had to say, it sure weighed heavy on his heart and mind. If Avery weren’t so worried about what he had to say, she would kiss that fearful frown away. But this wasn’t the time or place for that. Right now, she just needed to listen. What could be so bad that Lucas would fear losing her? Avery had never seen him so riled up like this. He was visibly shaken and upset.
“Okay. The beginning. Do you remember that night I told you about some of my past? How I grew up?”
Avery nodded. She recalled that night very well. The first time she’d learned a part of Lucas’s history. When she had practically thrown herself at him and he’d pushed her away. He’d opened himself to her then.
“I told you about a friend from the street.”
“Yes, I remember.” Where was he going with this? What did it have to do with why he thought she would hate him?
“He’s dead.” His voice broke.
Avery’s heart ached for his loss. “Lucas, I’m so sorry.” Avery tried to console him, but he put a stop to that.
“Please. Let me finish. There’s a lot to say, and this is hard.” Lucas didn’t meet her gaze. Avery dropped her hands to her lap and nodded. “I was the one who shot him.”
Avery gasped. “But, it was an accident, right? You didn’t know it was him, you were protecting yourself and the home you lived in-”
“Well yes, but I let it all get swept under a rug. Not just for my sake, either, Avery. I would have taken responsibility. I should have manned up and taken responsibility. Instead, I cowered. And that’s why I hid feelings within for so long. I felt nothing. Nothing! Until you. All I’d become was an angry man on a leash, following my ‘family’ around so that I could make things easy for them. I dealt with it. They paid me. I was provided for, at least in the sense that I had somewhere to go instead of fending for myself on the street. What else did I need? I never realized how far I’d fallen, how my life was in shambles until I met you. Then I realized all the things I wanted in life.”
“So, make amends. Get that life, Lucas. You don’t have to hide yourself anymore.” I’ll help you.
“Those people I stayed with, Avery? It’s your birth mother.” Lucas finally met her stare.
Avery’s heart sank.
No.
Her birth mother.
That meant-
Lucas knew her well. He said he didn’t know her that well.
No!
He’d told her so much, yet so little.
Damn him. Damn Lucas Bennett!
“You told me that you hardly knew her. You lied to me!” Avery blanched. “Why did you lie to me, Lucas?”
“I know. I’m a moron. I should have- should have just told you then.”
“You think?” Avery snapped, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but here. Bile rose in her throat. “You’ve been living with her? And these messes you keep saying you clean up ... what the hell does that mean? What does that make me?” He claimed to love her? What a crock of shit! Unbelievable. To think that her feelings for him could ever be anything more than just a wistful feeling.
No way! Avery couldn’t trust Lucas. He’d been there to sweep her under the rug, too!