He bent to take my hand but I kept mine limp because I needed his encouragement right now, not this.
Then he said, “You’re my family. So that baby is my family. I can’t help you hurt our family, so I’m leaving. I love you so much, but I don’t support this.”
“I’m asking you to support me.”
“No Baby Girl, you’re asking me to support your fears. I’ll get past this, I promise, but right now, I think I need to leave.” He let go to kiss Chloe, “I’ll see you at home,” he told her.
When I heard him leave I waited to see what Chloe would say. “Let’s go to bed…” She stood up and pulled me to my feet.
“You’re staying?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’ll play sitcoms and cuddle. No talk of pregnancy, babies, or men, just you and me.”
I nodded and she helped me to my room. She borrowed PJs even though she’s taller than me and we got into bed. We held hands while we watched our shows. The voices of familiar actors and the light wit in the banter calmed my nerves.
Soon I was so tired I sank into the bed but Chloe stayed sitting up and pet me. I remembered the doctor saying the fatigue was from the baby and it dawned on me on more levels that I’m pregnant. Me. The picky virgin. Part of me considered touching my stomach but no. That’s bonding. I don’t want to bond. I want to go back to how things were. I took a shaky breath, “plot twist,” I murmured before drifting off.
The next morning I had Chloe look up a clinic and I called. She was making us breakfast even though I felt like throwing up.
Is that the baby or nerves?
No, not a baby. A fetus. I contented myself with calling it that.
‘Baby’ is too real.
After the appointment was made Chloe helped me clean my apartment. I’m anxious and I need something to do until eleven.
However, my guilt hit full blast when I heard Chloe’s phone ring. It was Moses and she went in my room to talk to him. I snuck up to the outside of my door and listened even though I could only catch her side of the conversation.
“Yeah, I’m driving her there at eleven. That’s the soonest they’ll take her.”
Long pause.
“It doesn’t work that way Moses, she’s my best friend, she can’t do this alone.”
Another pause.
“And I respect what you’re saying but it’s Brianna. We can’t just abandon her to make a point.”
She paced.
“No, I don’t agree with it but this isn’t my fight. She’s right, it’s her body. I have to-.
Pause.
“You’re a guy, you don’t understand.”
Pause.
“But it’s not us, it’s not our baby, so don’t compare the situation. I have you and I’m not blind. No- I just said- well stop talking over me! Don’t ask me that.”
She sighed.
“You just walked out last night! What was that? What did you expect to happen? I love you but it was a dick move! She’s scared and-.”
Frustrated sigh.
“I don’t want to fight either but you aren’t making this- see- no, you won’t shut up long enough to let me-. Can I talk now?”
Longer pause.
“I don’t know,” she said in a wobble.
I walked away and felt my way back to the kitchen. I feel terrible. Now this is hurting Chloe and Moses.
I waited at my table with a cup of water. Chloe came back in sounding stuffy nosed, so things must have gotten worse since I left, “hey, girly…” she said to sound fine. “How are you feeling?”
“Are you and Moses fighting?”
She sat across from me and sniffed again, “uh…it’s okay, couples fight.”
“He hates me doesn’t he?”
“No,” she held my hand across the table, “no don’t say that. He loves you, he’s just worried.”
An alarm went off on my phone and I drew back. I set it to alert us what time to leave. After grabbing a few things we got in her jeep and drove. I wasn’t sure what to wear to one of these… after Chloe looked it up we went with yoga pants and a loose tank.
When we got there Chloe parked and unbuckled to hug me. I hadn’t expected that but it felt great. I hugged her back and fought back tears. I can’t do the crying anymore.
“I love you,” she said into my shoulder, “and I want you to know nothing will change that okay?”
“Okay,” I laid my head on her, “I feel sick…”
“Well, this should…stop that…” She didn’t sound so sure anymore. “Little warning, there are protesters in front, just ignore them okay? They’ll probably say pretty awful things.”
“I know.”
We got out and she came around to link arms and walk with me. Yeah, I can hear them now. Pro-Life quotes are being wielded like swords all over the lawn. The closer we get the more panicked I feel. As soon as Chloe tells me to step up onto the curb of the clinic I freaked.
“I need a minute.” I barked.
She stopped and whispered, “Okay. We have to get in there though, you’ll be late.”
My skin was crawling, I need this done and fast but I also feel like hurling, “I need air, just tell them I’m here, and- and here,” I dug through my purse. “Take my card and…and just pay for it. Just get that done so when I go in we can…start.”
“All at once?”
“I set up payments they’ll know when you give them my name, just let me breathe a minute?”
She took my card, “can you find your way in alone?”
“Yeah, I’ll call you if I can’t.”
She seemed unsure but then left me to go in. I took out my foldable stick and felt around for the curb. Once I lowered myself onto it I held my face in my hands and tried to take this all in. All my problems would be over in an hour or so.
The longer I sat the better I felt. The sun was warming my skin and the hope of life after this mess felt promising.
“Good morning…” someone said cheerily to my left. I could tell right away it was a woman.
I tightened my hands around my stick and rocked slightly. “Hi.”
“You escorting someone or did you come for an appointment?”
I felt my jaw tighten, “appointment.” I waited for the harassment.
She said, “how far are you, sweetie?”
I forgot for a second, “s-seven weeks I think…yeah, six or seven.”
“Ah, so baby looks more like an alien then huh?”
I frowned slightly. “I don’t know. I can’t see.”
“Do you want to?”
Her question threw me. I deepened the frown, “I’m blind.”
“I know,” she still sounds so happy. It’s weird. The protesters at my back sound pissed and I remember passing places like this when I could see. They usually hold big signs and shout and stuff. Why isn’t this lady shouting or calling me a whore of Satan?
“So how do you expect me to see?”
“Hold your hand out sweetie.”
My brain screamed ‘hell no.’ I don’t know this lady, I don’t know her plan. I still don’t know if she’s a protester, maybe she’s another woman here for an appointment or a worker?
Whatever, I held my hand out. She placed something tiny and chilled in my palm, “know what that is?”
I felt it then gave it a whiff. “Is that a berry?”
“Yeppers. That’s a blueberry.”
I felt awkward. “So…am I supposed to…? What about it?”
“That is the size of your baby right now.”
I felt the berry with new thoughts. That’s so small. Something that small can’t be that important. This isn’t call for panic, I’m removing a speck. “Oh,” I said. “Well, thanks…that’s interesting.”
“Not so big but it sure causes a ruckus don’t it?” she asked.
I smiled, “yeah. My whole world went upside down over a blueberry.”
She laughed a little. “Nature is funny that way. Little things cause the most disturbance
. There’s plenty of women out there to get pregnant and have babies…you don’t have to be one of them.” She sat down next to me, and my first thought was ‘thank you.’ I need her around for some reason, this stranger that just uncomplicated my life.
I nodded, “I was really freaking out…about coming. I was freaked out about not coming too. I just, can’t do this. I’m not a mom, I can’t. What kind of mom can’t even see her own baby you know? Now that I realize how small it is…” I rolled the berry between my fingers. “At least now the fear is gone.”
She made a noise in agreement. “Oh yes. Fear is bigger than the problem usually, but like I said, it’s little things that make the biggest difference. Like for instance. Did you know that chances of being born alone are almost impossible?”
I shook my head with raised brows. “Seems pretty easy.”
“Oh, but it’s not. By science’s standards… the chances of you meeting your blueberries’ father are one in twenty-thousand.”
I considered that. Actually, that makes sense. Gavin is from the UK and I’ve never left California. I was an orphan with parents that just so happened to consider my future. If they hadn’t I wouldn’t be educated enough for my job and therefore wouldn’t have been at the office that day. If my blind date worked out, I wouldn’t have met Gavin at all. If my walking stick hadn’t fallen off the veranda and into the bushes, I wouldn’t have been stuck out there, we would never have talked.
“Wow…” I said. “That’s pretty crazy.”
“It gets crazier,” she said, “they say the chances of you two staying together long enough to conceive your blueberry is one in two-thousand.”
I bugged my eyes, “okay well that makes sense too.” What’s the chance we’d meet the week I was apparently ovulating? What if he’d brought condoms? What if I hadn’t almost gotten hit by that car? His agony over it and the near death scare is what made me open to letting him touch me in the first place.
The woman beside me tapped my hand, which held the berry. “So the odds that that berry in your belly or even you for that matter even exists are zero.”
I felt a splash of cold water about the reality of what she was saying. “Like a miracle…”
“Yep…no one else can have that specific baby, but like I said, there’re still plenty of others that can have other babies. It’s not your job to do it all. It’s just a berry.”
I thought a minute. “Does it look like that too? Just a little ball right?”
“Well, no,” she sounded like she was doubting herself. “No, they have hands and feet. Look like paddles right now. It’s got a mouth and stuff. Nothing too formed. Even it’s heart isn’t fully functional yet.”
“It has a heart?”
“Yeah, sweetie, the heart is where everything in life starts. Even your feelings for the daddy that led to the baby.”
… Blueberry has a heart?
“I…” I felt emotional again. “I can’t do this you know? I just can’t.”
She sounded like she was smiling, “I understand sweetie and isn’t that the best part of living? Choices. We all have choices. Wars have been fought so mankind can have choices. A choice to run or walk. A choice to help or ignore. A choice to try or give up. Go or stay. Risk or be cautious. Be brave or flee. In the end, the only thing we don’t always choose is death, but then again, sometimes…we get the choice, to choose life.”
My bottom lip wouldn’t stay still. It kept trembling. The blueberry in my hand, the word choice in my head dancing with the word life.
All this surrounded by the feel of my heart in my chest, beating hard and fast. Blueberry has a heart too, is he or she scared like me? Is it’s heart beating as fast as mine?
Oh no… plot twist. I turned to where my stranger sat, “sorry, I never asked your name. Do you work here? Or…” I blinked back the tears, “are you here to get one done too?” No answer. “Hello?” Nothing. “Ma’am?” I felt around beside me but no one was there.
“Brianna!” Chloe called as she came up behind me. “After waiting in line for twenty minutes, they told me they need your ID, I can’t pay unless you’re with me.”
I stood up and held her sleeve, “Chloe…take me to the car. I wanna go.”
“What?”
I dared to touch my stomach…low where I knew that life was tucked away. “I’m keeping Blueberry…take me out of here.”
She held me to her. So close I could feel her heart too. “I…I can do this just get me away from here okay?”
She kissed my cheek, “hold onto me, let’s go.”
Chapter Ten
BRIANNA
A while later we decided to stop at the bookstore that Moses and Chloe own. It’s a New Age book place with an endless selection of things, and when we walked in, earthy smells hit my nose and made me feel calm.
I heard a strained, “hey,” from the direction of the counter and I knew it was Moses.
“Hi,” Chloe said back.
I went to stand by the counter and Chloe stayed at my side. I sighed, “you guys can stop fighting now.” I told him.
He sounded really reserved, “we’ll be fine. How are you…feeling?”
“Queasy…exhausted…making a human is really taxing. So you better be the most supportive Mother Fucker on the planet because the next seven months are going to wear me out.”
I could feel his brain connecting the dots. “You didn’t do it?”
Chloe hugged me into her side and said, “Nope, looks like you have another niece or nephew coming, Moses.”
I heard him move but in another instant, he was around the counter and hugging the stuffing out of me. “I’m so proud of you Bri!” He said in the midst of our bear hug, “this is great. It’s gonna be great okay? Have you talked to the baby yet? That’s important. They say that’s important.”
I held him close and spoke into his shoulder, “you really need to watch more football. You shouldn’t know that stuff.”
He let go and kissed my forehead. “You’re going to make a banner mom.”
I held my flat tummy with one hand. “I just want to do right by Blueberry. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing here. Like none. This isn’t my area at all.”
I heard Moses kiss Chloe and it calmed me even more that they were okay now, “who’s Blueberry?” he asked.
Chloe touched my stomach, “she calls the baby Blueberry, because that’s how big it is.”
He laughed then turned serious, “what are you doing about the father?”
I leaned my hip into the counter, “I really don’t know. I have no clue how to contact him, there’s no way he’ll believe me and even if he did he’s just not the kind to want this. He’s a playboy.”
“Shouldn’t we at least try to find him?” asked Chloe.
I’m so conflicted. I think I gave more to Gavin than my rented relationship for a week, so being near him again makes every part of me overdrive on happiness but I’m also freaked out about his reaction.
“We can try,” I said. “We’ll talk to Jacob and see if he can get in contact with him.
“You need a prenatal doctor.” Said Chloe. “Before we go any further you need to be seen by someone.”
Moses interrupted again, “I know exactly who she should see.”
I made my face flat, “really Moses…one football game a month at least. You seriously know too much.”
He laughed, “no, I mean I actually know someone. Why don’t you hire Jenzy?”
I perked up hearing that name. Jenzy is Moses’ ex-girlfriend and she’s become part of our group in some ways. I love Jenzy. I love everything about her.
Chloe took my hand, “Oh, my God Bri! She would be perfect. She’s a trained Doula now.”
I suddenly felt unsure, “being blind makes me a little apprehensive about a home birth. I live by myself…”
“But Doulas can work in hospitals! You don’t have to go through her midwifery employer. She accompanies hospital births too.”
I felt encouraged about this baby for the first time since finding out. Maybe I really can do this.
A couple days later Moses and I went to Jacob’s place in the Hills. We didn’t tell him about the pregnancy because after seeing Jenzy for the first time the day before, I found out I’m still in a really early stage. She says I should keep the pressure off and tell fewer people.
Jacob isn’t a good secret keeper so I’m not telling him. So here we are on his doorstep.
“Gavin?” Jacob said with what sounded like a frown. “Cutie, do you know how many Gavins I know. I’m going to need more than that.”
Moses tried for me, “he apparently worked for the Millionaire Gabe Gilmore. He was his assistant.”
Jacob sighed, “Guys I’m not trying to be a downer, but you have no idea how many people work for Gabe. He has a many assistants, bodyguards, secretaries-.”
I shook my head, “this was his assistant, not a bodyguard or a secretary. His name was Gavin and he was tall like you with close cut hair and…” What else can I say? I didn’t see him.
Jacob blew air from his lips, “I can try to call Gabe but the guy almost never answers his phone unless it’s his dad or a high up client. Bri you know Gilmore is basically swallowing Vicars Interactive. I don’t know how much you’ve heard but it’s all just a matter of paperwork away from being another branch of Gilmore International. So we aren’t competitors anymore.”
I had heard and it worried me but that’s not my biggest problem right now. “Can you please try to call? Just tell him Brianna, the blind American girl is trying to get a hold of his assistant. It’s important Jacob.”
Moses held my shoulder, “Jacob, you have to do this asap, and let us know.”
Jacob sounded curious. Great. “Why? What’s the rush? Did you and him…?” his question hung in the air.
I put my hands in my pockets, “just try okay?”
The Co-Parent (The Relationship Quo Series Book 3) Page 10