Never Forget Us

by Tracy Lorraine

  “I’m just coming. The owner’s here and let me wait inside so I didn’t get cold,” I lie.

  I feel Jay’s stare but I can’t look at him. Instead, I tell Alex I’ll be right there before pulling a mirror from my bag and attempting to sort out the state of my face.

  I look different. I don’t know if it’s the shame or guilt of what I’ve just done, but it’s plain as day in my reflection.

  I give myself a pep talk as I put everything away and go to leave. This is it. I have to put Jayden Baxter behind me. I have a life, a good one. One I don’t want to screw up because of a memory.

  “Erin,” I hear when I reach for the door. “Please don’t leave.”

  I don’t look back. Seeing the look on his face right now is going to break me.

  “I can’t. Everything’s changed, Jay. Goodbye.”

  I square my shoulders and do my best to walk out of there like I’m unaffected, like that moment of weakness didn’t happen. Unfortunately, in reality, it’s like it’s five years ago all over again, and my heart has just shattered into a million pieces.

  “Sorry about that,” I mutter as I get into Alex’s car. The second I saw him sat out here, I felt like I was dying inside. How could I have just done that to him? He’s the most kind and caring guy, and I’ve just betrayed him on the night we’re going out to celebrate us moving in together.

  “Is everything okay?” I can feel his eyes burning into me but I refuse to look at him. I’m convinced what I’ve just done will be written all over my face. All I want to do is get out of here and forget any of that happened.

  “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Fuck, my voice doesn’t even sound like my own.

  “You’re all flushed.”

  “It was hot in there.” I feel my cheeks heat even more as the words I’ve just said register in my head, along with images of what I just did.

  Alex continues staring at me for a few more seconds and I’m powerless to do or say anything. I continue to stare out in front of me as I feel the reminder of my betrayal leaking out of me.

  “If you’ve changed your mind, Erin, just tell me.” Alex’s sad voice tugs at my heart and I turn to look at him. His soft, dark eyes urge me to tell him he’s wrong, that we have a future together.

  “What? No, of course I haven’t changed my mind.” His expression visibly brightens once again and he smiles. His excitement is written all over his face.

  “Good. Let’s go celebrate.” He gently grabs my neck and pulls me to him. His lips press softly against mine and I fight to keep mine from trembling.

  Chapter Four

  I’m pretty sure this feeling is self-hatred. Every time I’ve looked at Alex, my stomach has turned over. I feel dirty thinking about having Jay all over me, inside me, leaving his mark in my body. I feel weak. I should’ve been able to say no, to put a stop to such ridiculous behaviour. Since the moment I met Jay I made decisions I never thought I would. Disappearing off on a road trip with a guy I’d just met. Falling in love with him when I told myself I’d never be in a relationship with a soldier, and then waiting for him to return from tour like everything was going to be perfect. And then there was that night. The night I cheated on my perfect boyfriend.

  “Woohoo, Erin,” Frankie says, amusement dancing in her eyes

  “Sorry, what?”

  “Are you okay?” Her amusement fades in favour of the concern that’s been there the past couple of weeks.

  I want to say no, to break down, cry, and confess all. But I can’t. Admitting it would make it even more real than the images on constant repeat in my head. It would mean other people knowing what I’ve done and hating me like I already do.

  “Yes, honestly. I’m fine.”

  Frankie looks at me for a few more seconds before she changes tact. “So you’re just tired then from all the fucking, now Alex is officially moved in.”

  “Something like that,” I mutter, because what she’s just said is about as far from the truth as it can get.

  We haven’t had sex since that night. I can barely stand him touching me, let alone anything else.

  I’m a mess, and I don’t know how to make it any better. I haven’t seen or heard from Jay, but he’s in my head constantly, taunting me, teasing me, driving me fucking insane.

  “We need a girls night,” Frankie suddenly announces.

  “Really?” I ask with no enthusiasm. She knows I love going out drinking as much now as I did back then.

  “Yes. You forget that I know you almost as well as I know myself, and there’s something up. I’m thinking letting your hair down for a night will fix the issue, or I’ll get you good and drunk and you’ll actually tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  My response is just a groan, because I’m pretty sure her first point won’t make any difference to my state of mind, and her second…well, that just isn’t happening.

  Once Frankie has told me the arrangements of our night out, she bids me farewell and flounces out the door to meet a client.

  When Mum died and Denny made his early appearance, I really thought that was it for Mum’s gift shop. I made the awful decision to shut down from the hospital, and with Frankie’s help we cleared it out and boxed everything up. I had no idea that while I was nursing my tiny baby, she was busy setting up an online shop and giving our social media platforms a thorough onceover. I was floored when I got home to find there was a little bit of hope for my mum’s dream.

  Frankie’s plan, as far as I was aware, was to work for her stepdad, so I never put any thought in to her doing anything else. But by the time she finished uni, she’d announced her desire to become a freelance social media consultant. While she built up her client base, she told me she’d help with whatever I needed. And that’s kind of how it’s stayed. She works part-time in the shop while managing all her clients, and I make up the other hours around my jewellery business. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convey to Frankie how much I appreciate everything she’s done for me. We now have a thriving gift shop Mum would have loved, along with our own successful businesses.

  * * *

  “You look beautiful, baby,” Alex says when I emerge from the bedroom. “I think tonight will do you good after all the work you’ve been doing.” I feel guilty at his kind words, something that seems to be becoming normal.

  “Me too,” I confirm. Yesterday was my deadline. I’ve worked my arse off all week to ensure it’s done.

  “I don’t think you should do any more for Stella. It’s taking too much out of you,” Alex says as he entwines his fingers with mine and kisses my knuckles. “I don’t feel like you enjoy it like you used to. It’s not like we need the money.”

  “I’ll think about it.” His worried expression makes me feel bad, and he does have a point, although I’m not sure I could turn down that sort of opportunity.

  I slide my feet into my heels when a taxi beeps its horn outside. “Any problems, call me,” I say to Alex. I know he’s capable of looking after Denny, but I still worry about my baby.

  “Everything will be fine. Go and enjoy yourself.” He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek to avoid ruining my lipstick and opens the door for me.

  Frankie waves like a lunatic from the backseat of the taxi and I can’t help but get a little excited about our girls’ night out.

  Frankie squeals like a schoolgirl when I climb into the back of the car. The appeal of a night out drinking and dancing never did lessen for her. I now feel a little too old to be doing this sort of thing, but Frankie always tells me I’m being stupid.

  “Where are we going?”

  “There’s this new bar in town everyone’s raving about,” she announces excitedly. I notice the driver is watching her in his rear view mirror with an amused expression.

  I shouldn’t be surprised when Frankie grabs my hand and pulls me past the queue to get in. The salacious smile she receives from one of the bouncers tells me everything I need to know about why we get special treatment—and if the look wa
sn’t enough, watching him shove his tongue down Frankie’s throat and molest her certainly hammers the point home, and also slaps a big fat ‘taken’ sign on her for every other guy in line to see.

  I roll my eyes at her behaviour before following her in.

  “Who was that?” I ask, although I’m probably going to regret it.

  “Brett. He’s a musician really, but works the doors for extra money. He’s the one I was telling you about.” When I raise my eyebrows for her to explain, it all comes rushing back to me. “You know, the one who does that thing with his tongue—”

  “I remember. Please don’t repeat it,” I beg. The explicit detail she went into the first time was enough.

  When we get through to the bar, I’m relieved to see this place is quite classy compared to where Frankie usually drags me. It’s definitely more bar than club, and I couldn’t be more grateful that we’re not going to spend all night shouting at each other over the music.

  “What ya drinking?”

  “White wine.”

  She orders, but in true Frankie fashion, someone else offers to pay. “Courtesy of the guy at the end,” the barman says as he hands the drinks over.

  I look to where he gestured but there’s a giant post blocking our view. Frankie doesn’t seem too bothered about missing out, because she starts flirting with the barman instead.

  I eventually get bored of listening to them and drag her off towards an empty table.

  “Hey,” she pouts. “He was cute.”

  “Yeah, and the doorman would flatten him in a second if he knew.”

  “Aw, Brett doesn’t mind sharing.”

  I sit back and take a couple sips of my wine as I look around. It’s modern and everything’s glass. It’s definitely not the kind of place Frankie usually chooses to drink in.

  “What’s wrong?” Frankie asks, dragging my gaze away from a very well dressed couple a few tables over.

  “Nothing. Just checking the place out.”

  “It’s nice, huh?”

  “Yeah, different.”

  “I do have taste, you know,” Frankie snaps, but her smile tells me she’s only winding me up. Her taste in most things is way better than mine. It’s only her usual choice of nightclub that lets her down. “Plus, we got in for free, and I know if all else fails I can take Brett home with me tonight.”

  “So it’s not serious then?”

  “I’m serious about his tongue, but that’s about it,” she says with a wink.

  Silence falls over us again and my gaze drifts off.

  “Seriously, E. You need to tell me what’s bothering you. I’ve kept my gob shut up until now, but I’m worried about you.”

  “It was just work.”

  “No, it’s not. It’s more than that. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

  A huge wave of guilt washes through me. I know I can tell Frankie anything, and I know she wouldn’t judge me. Shit, she’s made enough bad decisions when it comes to men that she can’t judge anyone. But if I tell her, it’ll make what happened, what I did, real. As it is, I can try to put it to the back of my mind and pretend it was a dream, that I didn’t cheat on Alex. Imagine that I didn’t let Jay fuck me on the bonnet of some car in the garage. Just thinking about it all turns my stomach.

  I can feel Frankie’s stare burning into me and it only makes the sick feeling worse.

  “Erin,” she warns.

  “It’s…It’s just…”

  “Fuck, are you pregnant?”

  “What? No!”

  “Really, because you look pale and like you could barf at any moment. Just like when you were—”

  “I’m not pregnant,” I snap, cutting off what she was saying.

  “Then what is it? What’s so serious it has that sad puppy dog look on your face 24/7 at the moment? Oh my god, have you changed your mind about Alex moving in?”

  “No, of course not. It was the right thing to do.” I love having Alex live with us, and I’m sure if it wasn’t for Jay fucking everything up, I’d be enjoying it much more.

  “You don’t sound convinced.”

  “I am. It’s great.”

  Frankie raises her eyebrows at my attempt to sound enthusiastic.

  “Hmmm…” She brings her cocktail to her lips as she continues thinking. Suddenly her eyes widen before she tries again. “Isn’t he getting you off? Is that the problem?”

  I groan and put my head in my hands as everyone around us looks over. Not only did Frankie say that at an unnecessary volume, but the music dropped out at the exact same time.

  “No, he’s more than capable,” I mutter, once we’re no longer the subject of everyone’s attention.

  Frankie looks me up and down. “I should bloody hope so. So what gives then, E? He’s seeing to your needs, you say you love living with him…what’s the issue?”

  We stare at each other across the table. Her eyes are pleading with me to tell her, that she won’t judge, whatever it is, while mine are begging her to stop. Stop digging because I’m so ashamed of the truth I can’t bear to say it out loud.

  Eventually it gets too much. I lean forward and Frankie does the same, sensing I’m about to say something big. “Promise you won’t say anything, Kiki.” She nods and her eyes stay focused on mine. “It’s J—”

  “Well, fuck me gently, if it isn’t Miss Frankie!”

  I look to my left and my chin drops as I take in the man stood at our table.

  “Fuck me,” Frankie exclaims. “What happened to you?”

  “You broke my heart, sweetheart. I had to find something to fill my time.”

  His cheesy line makes me want to puke. It also doesn’t have the desired effect on Frankie.

  “That’s fucking rich, Dean, you lying piece of shit.”

  “Ouch, that hurts,” he says with a pout as his hand comes up to cover his heart.

  After Jay left to go on tour, the first place I went was Frankie’s, and once I managed to stop crying, I had to explain to her that the ‘solider’ she’d been sleeping with the whole time I was away—the ‘solder’ to fulfil all her fantasies—was a liar. To say she didn’t take it well would be the understatement of the year. Once she knew I was okay, she called him and verbally ripped him a new one for lying to her. I wasn’t the one she was shouting at, but by the end of it even I felt the need to apologise to her. Safe to say she never saw Dean again, and we never spoke about it again, either. That only confirmed my suspicions that she was a little more invested in him than she’d ever want to admit. If I wasn’t so heartbroken about Jay, I probably would’ve make her talk about it. But with everything that happened after, it kinda got brushed under the carpet.

  “Good. It was meant to. Now fuck off back to wherever it was you came from,” she snaps with a dismissive wave.

  “Come on, now. Play nice. I bought you ladies a drink and everything.”

  Frankie pushes her cocktail across the table like it’s poisonous.

  “You may have got all ripped and shit,” she says, “but you had your chance here, soldier,” she seethes.

  Feeling like I’m intruding on their moment, I look away and cast my eyes around the bar. They suddenly stop, though, when they find a familiar face staring back at me.

  I suck in a breath as my stomach turns over, and I start to panic. I knew coming out was a bad idea. I lose sense of everything around me as our eye contact holds. As I stare at him, all my anger and frustration from the last time I saw him comes barrelling back into me.

  “For fuck’s sake,” I mutter, dragging my eyes away.

  I grab my glass and down what’s left of my wine, hoping it’ll distract me from his burning stare, although I know it’s hopeless. The only thing that’s going to help right now is leaving.

  I put my hand on my bag to excuse myself when I feel my phone vibrate inside. I immediately pull it out, stupidly thinking it could be Alex, but I instantly regret it when I see that unknown number again. Curiosity gets the better of me and without reali
sing what I’m doing, my finger swipes across the screen.

  You look even more beautiful than the first time I saw you across a bar.

  Heat rushes to my cheeks and my temperature spikes. I angrily close the message and shove my phone back in my bag. I jump down from the bar stool and look up just as Dean pulls back from kissing Frankie.

  “You okay?” Frankie mouths, indicating she’s about to leave with him.

  “Sure.” I force my lips into a smile before pushing my bag over my shoulder and heading towards the toilet sign.

  I knew it was a mistake. I should’ve gone straight for the exit and flagged down a taxi.

  “Erin,” he growls as he grabs my arm and stops me in my tracks.

  “Let go.” I refuse to turn and look his way, trying to pull my arm from his grasp.

  “No chance.”

  I let out a breath as I try to see through my anger to find the words I need. “You sent him over, didn’t you? You know exactly what he did to Frankie but you sent him anyway so you could get to me,” I fume, turning to look at him for the first time. He’s just as breath-taking as always, but I don’t allow it to affect me. I stand chest to chest with him, my heels giving me a few more inches and making me feel more confident.

  The guilt is written all over his face. “I needed to see you.”

  “So what? You’re stalking me now?”

  “What? No. We were already here when you walked in. It’s just a lucky coincidence.”

  “Just like how you have my phone number.”

  I watch as he swallows slowly and glances away for the briefest second.

  “How long have you had it, Jay?”

  He continues to stare at me but refuses to answer.

  “How long?”

  “Let’s not do this here,” he says after a long stretch of silence. He turns to leave but I don’t move. Going anywhere with him is a bad idea. He soon notices he doesn’t have company, because he turns back and grabs my hand.

  Tingles shoot up my arm the second our skin connects and I pull my hand out of his as if I’ve been burned.