The Diary Of An Expectant Father (The Diary Of A Father Book 1)
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for as long as you can manage to because it is better for them. It really didn’t need to be a ninety minute video. I’m fairly sure it was only that long because they felt the need to find women of every ethnicity to feed back. It’s a PC world gone mad and I was bored. Did I mention that?
Even the double kebab on the way home didn’t make me feel better about the colossal waste of time the evening had been. The very worst thing about it is that we have to go back next week, and the week after, for more of the same.
Friday July 20th 2012
Alison has finished work today. They’ve let her take her time more before the baby than after. I wish I could give up work now.
Sunday July 22nd 2012
Today Dad came round and helped me start turning the spare room into a nursery. All the old wardrobes needed taking down, I was good at this. Sometimes there is nothing better than going apeshit with a hammer and smashing things up. Putting up the new ones and the cot was a different story altogether and made me wish I'd saved smashing the old ones up. We managed to get all the furniture made. The painting was the easy bit, it took up time but we didn't have to try and make out any instructions written by Mexicans. Alison had long since gone to bed by the time we finished, but didn't mind when I woke her up to look at our handiwork. She wasn't as interested in having a conversation about my dad’s tool belt as he was, though.
All in all, the men have done their work today. It feels good. Well, not my back, that hurts to hell, but inside I feel like I've accomplished something. I've made a room for my baby. I'm getting to be a real dad.
Thursday July 26th 2012
Tonight was the second antenatal class and they showed us the most horrendous video I’ve ever seen. And I’ve looked on Rotten.com. It was a no holds barred birthing video and, like last week, they’d filmed as many of the people from the breast feeding video as possible. I saw all sorts. Keith told me that I should stay up at the head end, which I’d planned to do. Unfortunately the luxury of choice was taken away from me tonight. Once I spotted the hair I started to look at the clock. Watching my life tick away was much more preferable to watching the horror that was taking place on the screen.
At home I asked Alison about a caesarean. ‘C-section, you mean?’ she said, showing that she’d been listening much more than I had. ‘They’ll keep me in for ages if I have that, plus there’s a huge scar. I’d rather not.’
I’ve scribbled out the part I added to the birthing plan while she was in the bathroom.
Saturday July 28th 2012
We’re in a heatwave. The last couple of nights have been so hot I’ve taken to sleeping on the floor in the spare room. Alison is really uncomfortable anyway, but the heat is making her moan far more than she normally does. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone go on so much about being hot. I’ve had to consult my book for the first time in ages. There was a handy tip about putting ice cold water into a hot water bottle and putting it at the bottom on the bed. Apparently the blood that then shoots up the body back to the heart is cooler. I volunteered to go and pick up Alison’s bottle. She’s been lying down most of the day and she says it’s helped, but is still too hot. The fan is on 24/7. I wish we were rich enough for air con.
The kitchen at work has been fairly unbearable, so I know what Alison feels like. However, at work they have to provide us with ten minute breaks every hour and as many free cold drinks as we like. I’m fairly sure if it were left up to Jane, we’d get nothing.
Monday July 30th 2012
The heavens opened today, and along with the rain that fell from the sky, so did a cooler atmosphere, not only in the weather, but in the house. Alison is much more comfortable. I was at work when the rain fell, I’m sure it was hail too. I couldn’t see as I was serving up lunch, so can only go by my ears. Even chef smiled when we heard it was raining.
Thursday August 2nd 2012
The third and final night of sitting and listening to the midwife at antenatal tonight. It wasn’t as bad as last week, we just sat around and listened. She told us what we would and wouldn’t be allowed to take in: some hospitals allow you to take wipes, others don’t. We were advised to go and have a look at the ward before the birth. I’m not sure I fancy that. I think I’ll just locate the toilets and the canteen when we’re there. I don’t think we need to be shown round a smelly old, noisy hospital. They also explained to us about all the different money-off vouchers they could have given us if they hadn’t run out of magazines. We can print them off the website though. Seriously, the whole antenatal classes set up should be put online. If they want to save the money they spend on midwives, DVDs and magazines they run out of, they might as well just email you a video of the midwife talking and then you get to watch all the other videos, read the book that they read out, and print off your vouchers. I reckon you could do it in an evening.
They did explain what the point was of the Centre we were sitting in and it did sound good. When I’m at work, Alison will be able to pop in there and have sessions with the little one. They do all sorts. The one that interested me was baby massage, though, apparently babies really like all that. It helps them to move around the food and air that’s inside them. They also do a swimming club that all the little people can go to after eight weeks. I might even see about taking the little chap to that myself. I like a good swim.
Alison enjoyed the evening, although she did say that seeing me out the corner of her eye looking at the ceiling and sighing put her off a bit.
Friday August 3rd 2012
I spoke to Jane about paternity leave today. She said I was only allowed two days, then I had to use my holiday. This is wrong. I checked the Internet and in the UK men are allowed two weeks off and this has to be paid at the statutory rate of about £90 a week. I couldn’t be bothered to argue with ‘she who knows it all’, though, so I just went and spoke to Mary in HR who told me all I had to do was let her know the expected dates I’d be off and she would sort out the rest. She even asked if I wanted to take any holiday as well. I won’t though, I’ll need to use my annual leave days for Christmas.
Saturday August 4th 2012
Alison and I went to her parents for lunch today. I’d like to say I was surprised to find my father in the garden advising Alison's dad on what shed he should buy, but I'm not. They’ve been getting closer and closer recently.
Over lunch we started talking baby names. Bill thinks he should be called Bill. Sue is more going for Charles. Mum thought we should go with something like Gary. I saw Alison visibly shake when she heard that. I have to agree, Gary and Graham do not go well together. I can see the Christmas cards now. Alison was strangely quiet during dinner. I found out why when I got home.
Alison was emotional. She said that she’d been thinking about the name Charlie and because my mum had suggested it, she felt bad as she didn’t think she’d be a good mother if she couldn’t even name the baby before someone else did.
I have a confession to make, Diary. I didn’t know what to say or do while she was lying in bed and crying, so I said I’d make us a drink and I took half an hour longer than I should have. I went for a smoke and tried to figure out the female mind at the same time.
I must have looked mental as someone outside asked me if I was OK. When I said I was and that I was just thinking, they replied that if I thought any harder the lines in my forehead would stay where they were. Being insulted by a stranger made me come to my senses, so I went back in, showered, and went and hugged Alison as she cried herself to sleep. I’ve still no idea what was up with her.
My book did say that women’s emotions are all over the place when they’re pregnant.
Tomorrow I think I’ll tell Alison that Mum may have said it first but there is no way she would have thought of it before she did. That should work.
I actually quite like Charlie. Charles sounds rubbish and just to show Alison that I like her idea more, I’ll tell her that we will call our son Charlie on the birth certificate. That’ll work, I’m sure of it.
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Sunday August 5th 2012
When I spoke to Alison about names at breakfast she’d completely forgotten about how upset she was yesterday. She even remarked that Charlie must be a good name if both she and my mother had thought of it.
We’ve agreed on Charlie.
I made popcorn later this afternoon. Alison told me later tonight that it had bunged her up. I think our sexual relationship is on hold now.
Monday August 6th 2012
I was right, of course, I am allowed two weeks off; Jane looked like she was going to throw something when I arrived back at the kitchen after speaking to Mary in HR. She was still on the phone and threw me the daggers. Seriously, if looks could kill, that one would have taken a chainsaw to me and my family. Later I heard her shouting at Boris in the storeroom. She was banging stuff about, she’d probably caught him sleeping in there again. Either that or he’d been at the cooking wine again.
Tuesday August 7th 2012
Alison was up in the night with her restless legs. I woke up to find her doing a pregnant version of Riverdance around our bedroom at 3 a.m. She said she’d been up for an hour by then, so I tried to persuade her to have a bath, but she wouldn’t. She doesn’t like baths. I offered to help her get in and out, but she