Watch You Burn

by Amanda Searcy

  I untangle myself from him and take my phone into the bathroom.

  Dad picks up after the first ring. I speak before he can. “Sorry, I never turned my phone back on after the funeral. I’m at a friend’s house. She’s having a hard time. I’m going to spend the night.”

  I hear his breathing on the other end. I can tell he wants to yell at me. I’ve scared him, and I’m sorry. I know I’ve been doing that a lot lately, but I can’t go back to the Los Ranchitos. Not tonight.

  “Okay,” he finally says. “But keep your phone on.”

  I step out of the bathroom, and Ben looks up at me with sleepy eyes. I lie back down in his arms.

  “How did you do it?” I ask.

  “Do what?”

  “Get better. Make all the urges go away.”

  He laughs softly. “They never go away. Not completely. Doc found me half dead in an alley. He told me he could help me, that I could get better. I didn’t believe him, but he offered me a meal and a place to sleep. No one had ever been that selflessly kind to me. He made me want to get better. I went into treatment, and when I got out, I surrounded myself with people who loved me.”

  His fingers trace up and down my arm.

  “I still take it day by day. But helping out at the clinic, that’s really what keeps me going. They’re like my family there. It feels good to give back. I don’t know where I’d be without it.”

  His finger touches my scar. He’s seen me grip my arm through my clothes, but I’ve never told him what was underneath.

  “I was in a fire when I was seven.”

  His fingers turn featherlight against my skin.

  “Does it hurt?”

  “Yes.” It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted that—even to myself. What I do—setting fires—it hurts. A little piece of me dies every time.

  Ben has his own scars. Lots of them. He doesn’t try to hide them from me. I put my finger over a round one on his chest.

  “There’s a reason I ended up living with my uncle. I was mad for so long. I felt abandoned by my mother. But now I know she did the best she could. Dumping me on his doorstep saved my life. Until I did my best to destroy it.”

  “My sister’s the reason I don’t do those things. I wanted to. I wanted the pain to stop. But she looks at me like I’m the most important person in the world. I can’t hurt her.”

  He places his hand over my scar, like he’s erasing it.

  I want to be better. He makes me want to be better.

  “It was me,” I blurt out. The deep brown of his eyes in the light from the street makes me want to tell him. To confess. “I did it.”

  Ben sits up and faces me.

  “When I was seven, I started the fire. It was my first sleepover. I had to go to the bathroom, but the house was so dark. I couldn’t flip on the light or wake up any of the other girls. I didn’t want them to think I was a baby.

  “There was a chunky red candle and a book of matches on the mantel over the fireplace. I’d seen a movie where the girls carried around candles in their long white nightgowns. I thought I could do that.” I cringe and wait for Ben to say something, to look uncomfortable, but his face doesn’t change. He’s listening.

  “I didn’t know how to use matches. It took me four tries. When one finally lit, I couldn’t move. I was mesmerized by the flame dancing at the end of the stick. I had made that happen. Then I got scared and shook it out.

  “I have dreams where I crawl back into my sleeping bag and nothing happens. We all wake up in the morning. That’s what I should have done. But the matches…I wanted to see if I could do it again.

  “The next time, I didn’t shake it out. I dropped it. The carpet started to smolder. I lit another one and dropped it on the curtains. They went up almost instantly. That’s when I realized what I had done. I knew I was going to get in big trouble. I wanted to put it out, but I didn’t know how.

  “I ran down the hallway until I found the bathroom. I hid in there, curled up in the bathtub, waiting for the smoke detectors to go off and for my friend’s parents to come in and yell at me. But that never happened. The house was silent for so long. Then I heard the screaming. The parents must have gone in to get the other girls. They were all trapped. It was too late. I tried to go out to find them.” I motion with my head down to the scar.

  Ben’s lip twitches slightly. I don’t know if it is sympathy or disgust. A sudden fear fills me. “You can’t tell anyone. No one knows what I did.”

  No one except my stepfather, Brian. He suspected me from the moment he pulled me to safety through the bathroom window.

  Ben doesn’t jump up and demand I leave. He kisses my shoulder, lies back down, and holds me in his arms. He doesn’t try to make me feel better or tell me I was too young to know what I was doing when I started the house fire.

  As his chest moves in and out against me, I realize that for the first time in ten years, I can’t feel my scar.

  Ben’s warmth and acceptance makes me want to confess everything. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

  Some secrets are too big to turn into words.

  * * *

  —

  Ben nuzzles my ear. “You talk in your sleep.”

  I roll over and smile. “About what?”

  Ben looks away, cringing at having mentioned it.

  Fire. I must talk about fire.

  I turn his chin toward me. Our lips meet. Sun is pouring in the window. It’s like the last few weeks have melted away. I feel happy.

  There’s a sharp knock on the door. “Benjamin?” a voice calls from outside. I jump up and scramble for my clothes, but Ben seems unconcerned. He pulls on his jeans and opens the door.

  The woman Ben usually works with is on the other side. I try to smooth my hair and pretend I just got here.

  “Good morning,” she says.

  I give her a little wave. My face must be atomic red. She focuses her attention on Ben.

  “Will you be coming to work today?” Her tone is teasing.

  Ben glances over his shoulder at me. There’s more life in his eyes today. I feel buzzed too. “Yeah, I’ll be down soon.” She nods and gives me a wink before walking back down the hallway. Ben closes the door. I’m still red. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “She’s not going to judge you—either of us.”

  “What’s her story? She doesn’t really seem like the barista type.”

  “Jackie?” Ben rubs his hand along the back of his neck and glances around the room, like he’s not sure he should tell me. “Doc found her, like he did me. He helped us both get clean and find jobs and places to live. He pays it forward by doing that.”

  “What does Doc have to pay forward?”

  Ben wanders into the kitchen and digs through the refrigerator. He pulls out bread and pops two slices into the toaster. “Prescription pills. He was a big-time surgeon in Albuquerque. I don’t know what happened, but he had a prescription pad, and soon he had an addiction. He got fired. The state almost pulled his medical license. Somehow he found his way to Las Piedras and someone who helped him.”

  The toast pops up. He smears jelly on it and presents it to me on a blue plastic plate. “Doc saved me; now I work at the clinic so I can pay it forward. It keeps me centered. Keeps me healthy.”

  I look around. The whole world seems a different color now. So many people have stories I didn’t know.

  The knock sounds on the door again. Ben gives me an apologetic look. “They must be busy downstairs. You can stay here if you want.” He holds his toast between his teeth as he ties on his work apron.

  I want to stay. I want Ben to stay. Want both of us to stay wrapped in this cocoon a little longer.

  “I should go home before my dad sends the National Guard out to find me.”

  Ben opens the door with me on his heels.
It isn’t Jackie standing there. It’s Cam, holding a stack of textbooks. His eyes widen in surprise when he sees me.

  “Hey.” Ben takes the books from him. “We’re doing college classes online. It’s cheaper to share the books.”

  Cam turns red. Ben’s face falls. “You probably weren’t supposed to know that,” he says.

  Ben puts the books on the table and locks the door behind us. Cam is already several steps down the hallway. When we get to the bottom of the outside stairs, Ben kisses me. “I’ll see you later?”

  “Definitely.”

  He enters the coffee shop, and I chase after Cam, who’s opening the truck door. “Wait!” I call.

  He gets into the truck but doesn’t start it. I crawl into the passenger side.

  “You’re taking classes? That’s why you’re so tired all the time? Why you were awake that night when I took Kara home?” Saying her name stabs me in the gut and lets all my guilt flow into the wound. After my night with Ben, I forgot about her.

  Cam looks like he’s been stabbed too. “You can’t tell anyone. I don’t want my father to know.”

  “Why? Isn’t that the kind of thing parents are proud of?”

  Cam turns toward me. “Not when you won’t take business classes and you’re supposed to be upholding the family legacy.” He sighs. “Since Ben won’t come back, it’s my job now.”

  Ah. I get it. The way this father treats him. His general lack of enthusiasm about his job.

  I examine his face, and I realize something else. The look on it when he says Ben’s name—it’s shame. Cam’s the reason Ben got hooked on drugs—or at least, that’s what Cam thinks. He’s been trying to help Ben. The hundred-dollar tips are part of that.

  Another piece of the puzzle that is someone’s complicated life.

  I feel a sudden and surprising warmness for Cam.

  “I like biology,” he says. I shake my head in confusion. “The subject. I want to get a degree in biology and maybe work for the Forest Service. Do something outside.”

  “That’s great.” I look out the window. “I won’t say anything.”

  He starts the truck and drives me back to the motel.

  * * *

  —

  I wave to Dad when we pull up. Since he’s still being awkward over Kara’s death, he’s not going to push me for details about which friend’s house I was at last night.

  When I open the door to my room, Ro is sitting on the bed with her arms crossed. Her brow is wrinkled, and she stares at me like she’s trying to make lasers come out of her eyes.

  “You were with that boy, weren’t you?” she snarls. “The boy from the coffee shop. Kara’s boyfriend.”

  I glance around the room, trying to feign innocence.

  I don’t know why she’s so mad. Is she jealous of me? Does she think I’m taking advantage of a dead girl’s boyfriend? That would be strange for Ro. She should be pushing me at Ben now that Kara’s out of the way.

  “I stayed at a friend’s house,” I lie, sort of.

  She stands up and points a finger at me. “No. You have two friends. One sat here all night waiting for you. The other is dead.” I flinch. “A dude who thinks he’s a cop came by. He told the guy at the gate he needed to talk to you. Why?”

  I don’t know why she’s attacking me. I step back from her. “Ro. Sit down and I’ll tell you.”

  She sits and crosses her arms again. She turns her head and glares.

  “Yes, I was at Ben’s last night. He wasn’t Kara’s boyfriend. And Allen”—I roll my eyes—“is getting really obnoxious. He has a crush on me.”

  Ro’s face is still stormy. I tell her about the stalker leaving things for Kara, but that’s all. The rest was entrusted to me by Ben. It’s not my story to tell.

  “You should go to the police,” Ro says firmly.

  “No.” I wave her comment away. “We’d be wasting their time. The guy could have known Kara in Santa Fe, or it could have been random. We don’t have any real information.” And if I go to the police, I’ll be on their radar. They might start asking questions. About me.

  “Hmm…,” Ro says. “We should go shopping.”

  “What?”

  “You need a new dress for your new boyfriend, since you can’t wear the one you wore to the club without the belt.”

  A chill runs up my spine. My missing belt hasn’t resurfaced.

  “You’re right,” I say. “I’ll go tell Cam he needs to drive us to the mall.”

  Ben convinced Doc that the donations needed to be sorted right away and that he needed my help.

  But mostly, we’ve been kissing.

  Kara’s death still hangs over us. When we catch each other’s eyes, I know we’re both thinking about it.

  I shouldn’t ask and ruin the nice time we’ve been having, but I’ve wanted to know for so long. “What happened between Cam and Kara?”

  Ben shakes his head. “Cam liked her from the day she moved in. They went out once. I don’t know all the details, but he tried to kiss her, and it didn’t go well. Cam was really angry and hurt, but he never got over her.”

  I nod. That’s what I figured. It explains the awkwardness between them, and his concern for her.

  “Cam wants to study biology,” I say as I toss a pair of jeans with a giant hole in the back into the trash pile. Seriously, people? If you wouldn’t wear it, why would someone else want to?

  Ben laughs. “Cam has always liked being outside. He loves the bosque. He cried once when there was a fire. He was worried about all the animals losing their homes.”

  “He doesn’t seem all that touchy-feely.”

  “You learn to hide it when you grow up with Mike Vargas.” That weird warmth for Cam spreads through me again.

  “What do you want to do? Do you think you’ll ever join your uncle’s business?”

  “I don’t know. I try not to worry too much about the future.” He stands up. “I have to be at work early. Someone called in. Are you good to finish this?” He points to the mound of old clothes surrounding me.

  I lift a giant flowered shirt and roll my eyes. Ben laughs. His eyes sparkle. When he kisses me goodbye, I can’t let go. So I don’t. Not until I hear the creak of someone coming up the stairs.

  We separate as Doc enters the room. Ben leaves, and Doc pats him on the shoulder as he goes by.

  “At least we’re still getting clothes,” Doc says.

  I hold up an old bathrobe. “Really?”

  Doc’s face twitches into a sad smile. “That’s about all we’re getting in donations. We’re going to try cutting open hours to save on utilities. After that…?” He gazes off into the distance.

  “You don’t get medical donations from the hospitals or the government?”

  Doc shakes his head. “There isn’t enough to go around.”

  “Oh.” I look down at the pathetic pile I’m sitting in. “Sorry.”

  Doc forces his face into a truer smile. “I’m glad you’re here to help. Ben’s glad too.” He winks at me, and my face goes hot.

  * * *

  —

  Cam has to help pick up a shipment of drywall, so he drops me off at the gate. I’m still feeling high from my afternoon with Ben. The site is quiet—most of the crew has gone home for the day—so I spin around with my arms out in the middle of the parking lot.

  I’m still laughing at myself as I approach my door. A folded piece of paper is taped to it. It would be strange for Dad to leave me a note. I check my phone. I don’t have any texts or missed calls from him.

  I pull the paper off and unfold it. I drop it. I don’t have to read it to know what it is. I’ve seen it a hundred times.

  It’s a printout of the front page of the Ohio newspaper from ten years ago. A photo of smoldering ruins with only the brick chimney still in
tact. The headline reads “Accidental House Fire Kills Four.”

  The word “accidental” has been circled and Xed out in red ink.

  I grab the paper off the ground, crumple it, and stuff it into my bag. I whip around, looking for whoever could have left it. Looking for anyone who could have seen.

  The red ink is Sharpie. The giant X is just like the one on the picture that was left for Kara.

  How could the guy who stalked her—I gulp—killed her, know about me? I’ve only told one person in my whole life.

  He’s also the same person Kara told her story to.

  No, it can’t be. I was with Ben this afternoon—until he left the clinic in plenty of time to get to the Los Ranchitos before me.

  Am I about to find out that Ben is the biggest liar of us all?

  “The blond lady will be pissed if you make a hole in her new carpet,” Ro says when she finds me pacing frantically in my room. The newspaper article is still wadded up in my bag. I can’t help but glance at it. Ro follows my eyes but doesn’t know what I’m looking at.

  “What’s wrong? Did you have a fight with the boy?”

  I stop pacing and shake my head.

  “You can tell me anything,” she says. “Anything at all.”

  I do want to tell her. Discuss it with someone. Have her reassure me that I’m crazy for suspecting Ben for a single moment. But I can’t. I can’t tell anyone else my childhood secret.

  I ignore the adrenaline that makes me want to jump out of my skin. “I have an assignment for school that I can’t figure out.”

  “Right,” she says. “An assignment.”

  I have to confront Ben. I have to know if he did this. He was so obvious about leaving the clinic before me. Did he do that on purpose? Is he trying to lure me in?

  I can’t go alone to see him.

  “Will you meet me after school tomorrow?” I blurt out. Ro leans back at the force of my words. “I’ll buy you a coffee.”

  She raises her hands in front of her. “As long as it has whipped cream.”