After Reed

by Blythe Stone

  “Awww,” I said, holding her in a hug. “Say something only Nat would know,” I said.

  The piece moved again:

  L-I-L -K-N-I-G-H-T

  We all laughed. Nat used to call Reed my Little Knight.

  “See,” I said, looking over at Nat. Nat smiled through tears.

  “Are you in pain?” I asked, scared.

  The marker moved to the word: No.

  I felt relief.

  “Can you feel me?” I asked.

  S-O-M-E-T-I-M-E-S

  I smiled through closed lips and felt a soft laugh escape through my nose.

  “I miss your voice,” I said. “But I heard you today.”

  It wasn’t a question. I wanted to talk to her, not grill her.

  “I wish I could get to you,” I said sadly. “I wanna be where you are.”

  I could feel the tenseness in the room.

  Both Nora and Nat were just watching and listening. They were probably both scared of what I might do.

  I-M-H-E-R-E

  Reed spelled it out.

  “I love you,” I said. This was such a hard way to converse. Tears flooded my eyes and I felt hopeless.

  It was stupid to feel ungrateful after everything she’d done. I did feel ungrateful though.

  Nora leaned down and hugged me tight.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Nat

  Once I realized it was really her I felt such a sense of gratefulness and of calm.

  Leah might never have come out of it. She might never have come out of that state if Reed didn’t help her to wake up.

  I can’t say really what had gone on.

  I’d watching Leandra day-in and day-out but I didn’t know what she was experiencing.

  For so much of that time it seemed to me she wasn’t inside herself anymore. I could see her shell, that dark brown hair hanging over her all perfect.

  Her eyes had been open but she couldn’t see.

  She wasn’t reacting to anything back then, feeling anything.

  Her perfect green eyes stared but did not move.

  She was back now, animated, and filled with life.

  At first I was bitter. I was bitter because everyone else could get to her but me.

  But she was with me now. She was with us. We were all together.

  Reed used the board to show me it was her.

  I was reminded of that boy.

  I wanted to talk to Reed alone. I wanted to ask her why she didn’t come to my dreams but it seemed wrong.

  I kept quiet by Leandra’s side.

  I let Leandra talk and I listened.

  Crawling inside myself after being the one to watch and protect, it felt so foreign and strange.

  I miss you…

  I thought.

  But I knew that Reed couldn’t hear or feel me.

  She could feel Leandra but not me.

  I slunk away to the kitchen and drank a glass of orange juice down before going to my room.

  Nora came in to check on me.

  “You okay?”

  “You keep asking me that,” I warned.

  I could hardly use my eyes without wanting to cry.

  Nora was beautiful but also I was sad.

  “That got a little intense, huh?”

  “My whole life’s intense,” I muttered.

  “You don’t have to keep watching her,” Nora said.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  What were the options? Let Leah go home and be completely alone with ghost Reed?

  “She’s awake now,” Nora said. “She’s not incapable. She doesn’t need a nurse or a-”

  “Friend?” I asked, bothered by her.

  “That’s not what I meant,” Nora said apologetically.

  “I’m not letting her go home to her parents,” I said. “Leandra wouldn’t want that. This is working here.”

  “So… What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  Why was she asking me these things?

  “You’re exhausted Natalie. You’ve lost weight. You’ve taken on this whole new broken serious side. You’re not your old self.”

  “I’m still me,” I said, pulling some sweats out of the drawer and throwing them onto the bed.

  “Leah’s not the only person here who needs to be taken care of.”

  “So what, you wanna take care of me? Is that it?”

  “I’m not saying that,” Nora shook her head.

  “What are you saying, Nora? That’s what I’m not hearing. Just use your fucking words please.”

  I didn’t mean to snap at her but I also didn’t need vague conversations like this.

  “If this whole thing, Reed… If this whole thing is going to stress you out you really shouldn’t be around it.”

  “I love Reed,” I said, looking over at Nora and feeling the heat of anger as it flashed through my entire body.

  “I know,” Nora shrugged.

  After that she let out a sigh.

  “I can take care of myself,” I said.

  I pushed my pants down and pulled the sweats on over my underwear.

  “I never said you couldn’t,” Nora apologized.

  I pulled my running shoes out and started to put them on.

  “Can I run with you?” Nora asked.

  “I need some alone time,” I said, unable to look at her.

  “I’m sorry,” Nora said. “Look, I just… I care about you Natalie.”

  “Then don’t ask me if I want to send Leah away. The answer will always be no.”

  I got up from the bed and pushed past her since I was upset.

  “K, that’s not what I said!” I heard Nora yell after me but I blocked her voice out.

  In the living room Leah was still playing with that board. I walked up behind her and used both hand to carefully pull the hair-tie out of her hair as I leaned in to hug her gently and whisper. “I’m going out for a run okay?”

  “K,” her voice was sweet. I missed having her. I moved my lips to her cheek and kissed her.

  “Don’t tire Reed out,” I said, pulling back from her and throwing my hair up so that I could take off.

  I looked back to see Nora staring at me.

  “I’ll be back,” I said.

  She just nodded and crossed her arms.

  “I’ll be here,” she shrugged sadly.

  I couldn’t tell what the problem was. Was I being crazy? Did Nora want to go back home? What was so wrong? We’d had a busy week this week. Nothing was like it had been for the several months I’d spent out here with just Leah all alone.

  I took to the pavement and started panting.

  When I got into the dirt trail I shut my eyes and ran a stretch without looking. I wanted to feel Reed like Leah did. It just wasn’t fair.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Leah

  I ran out of simple questions and the heavy ones just sort of hurt.

  Apparently, it was hard for Reed to touch me but the Ouija board seemed to be something she could use very easily without frustration.

  I was going to keep it with me all the time now. I would need to order a few more online. I wanted her to always be able to talk to me. Apparently it was easier for her to move the planchette when I asked her a question. Just like the cellphone, it was hard to do little things in the real world. She needed my help.

  Eleanora came back and sat behind me again. She seemed sad.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “What? Oh… Just… Nat’s…”

  “Nat…” I said, agreeing. Sometimes she got in her moods. I was used to them apparently. But Nat was always sweet to me.

  The planchette started moving and I watched it.

  G-O-N-N-A R-E-S-T

  Reed said.

  “Okay,” I said out loud, looking up to the sky as if that made any sort of sense.

  I was only aware of the things that I knew.

  Reed was dead but she wasn’t gone. She could see and hear me.
She could touch me sometimes and it was easier for her when I was asleep.

  I needed to make a few lists and try and see what I could learn to help us in this.

  “So, are you just going to stay out here then?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, crawling up onto the couch and turning to face her.

  “This place, this house,” Nora said. “Natalie bought it for you. Are you just going to stay here?”

  “As opposed to what?” I asked, wondering.

  “Going home?”

  “Home?” I scoffed a laugh.

  Nat knew.

  How could Nora not?

  “You mean my mom’s home?” I asked.

  “You lived there your whole life,” Nora said. “I’m sure your parents miss you.”

  “I’ll call my mom today,” I said, making a mental note to do so. “But that’s not home,” I said, looking up at her sort of bruised. “I only felt safe there when Reed was there.”

  “And now?” Nora asked.

  “And now?” My shoulders slumped. “Now, this is home,” I said. “I found Reed here. Nat took care of me here, she built this environment for us. I kinda like it,” I realized. “I feel safe here, with Nat. Even with you,” I smiled bashfully.

  “You’re more like a child now,” Nora said.

  “Why do you say that?” I wondered.

  “You’re just, I dunno… More innocent.”

  “I’m still me,” I said, wondering where it was coming from. Nora seemed sort of lost in her head.

  “You gonna sleep a little?” Nora asked, checking her watch. “You usually take a nap around now.”

  “I’m trying to be better,” I said.

  A nap sounded tempting but I needed to get a grip on myself. Not just for me but for Natalie too.

  “Do you think it’s wrong, us here?” I wondered.

  “Wrong?” Nora asked.

  “Nat and I,” I said. “You were acting like it was weird for us to live out here.”

  “I don’t think it’s wrong, no,” Nora said. “I’m just worried Nat feels trapped.”

  “Why would she?” I asked.

  “I dunno,” Nora said. “She’s just been all exhausted the past few days.”

  “I haven’t been the best company for her,” I said. “She’s probably just starting to deal with everything she couldn’t deal with before. It would’ve been kind of hard for her to have feelings all alone when no one else was here to care for me.”

  “That’s true,” Nora said. “Hey, you should be a psychiatrist.”

  “Fuck you,” I laughed. “Really though, what is it? Do you have to go back or something?”

  “Eventually,” she shrugged. “Maybe,” she seemed troubled, unsure.

  “I have money Nora,” I shrugged. “I’m gonna buy this place from Nat. We can all live here. It wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “I was a kept woman once,” she reminded. “You know how that went.”

  “Okay… So what if I give you the money and put you in charge?”

  “That’s not necessary,” Nora laughed. “I just have my own fears about all of us being out here.”

  “The only thing I’m scared of is losing Reed,” I said out loud.

  It felt good to have that fear again. I was no longer sure I lost her. I had her still, in some little way.

  “Daniel got out while you were unwell. Did you know that?”

  “Daniel?”

  It’d been so long since I thought of him…

  Irrationally, I worried that Reed was listening. Could she still have fear of him? Still be touched by him?

  No.

  But she’d worry about me.

  “Your mother tried to fight for more time. Since Reed was gone the court let him go on good behavior.”

  “Where?” I asked, suddenly more than curious.

  Nora’s fears had a lot more weight now. I could feel her reasons.

  “I’m not really sure,” Nora said. “Apparently he has family in Vancouver. But that’s not too far from here, not really.”

  “A couple days drive,” I dazed, thinking.

  “No more than two hours by plane,” Nora made it real.

  “Does he know about me?”

  “He knows Reed’s gone,” Nora said. “It wouldn’t be terribly hard to find you Leah. Your mail was forwarded here and your mother sends you letters, so do the Evans. It’s not hard to find someone these days.”

  We were in the middle of the woods. Quiet wilderness surrounded us and our nearest neighbors were hardly ever home. Nat had told me that much.

  If Daniel killed me, I could be with her…

  It was hard to have a fear of death now, really hard.

  “If he kills me I can be with her.”

  “Don't,” Nora said.

  “I can't fear death when death means returning to my family.”

  “Reed can probably hear you saying that.”

  “She knows how I think,” I reminded.

  “What if he hurts Nat?”

  “Then Nat can be with us too.”

  “You sound like a child,” Nora said.

  “You've been witnessing this Nora. Imagine being me.”

  That got her to stop and think.

  “A lot of people care about you.”

  “Then they'll be happy to know I'm no longer a drone,” I said.

  “They will.”

  “We should have a party,” I said. “Invite everyone.”

  “Will you tell them about this?” Nora asked, eyes drifting over to the board.

  “I'll want to.”

  “They'll think you're insane.”

  “Then we'll show them together,” I said.

  I still wanted to take some pictures of my body.

  “I think I'm going to set up a darkroom in that old shed out back. Will you help me?”

  “Of course.”

  “What aren't you saying?” I asked, feeling it. Nora was keeping something in.

  “I don't like feeling like I can't protect you both.”

  “We're all here together. No one's in charge. We all care.”

  “Nat’s been through too much lately, Leah, and you…”

  “Me?” I asked, wondering.

  “The things you've been through, you can turn on a dime.” There it was.

  “I don't plan on turning.”

  “You know your temper and your emotions,” Nora said.

  “Do you feel trapped here?” I wondered.

  “No,” she said, looking down. “I feel… Concerned.”

  “Cause of Daniel?” I asked, wanting to understand.

  “Because of everything. It's eerie, it all is.”

  “Well, it's not ideal,” I laughed.

  Her mouth was a trap tonight. She wasn’t telling me what was nagging her. I could just feel her natural instincts kicking in.

  “The last thing I want to do is trap anyone,” I said.

  “I know,” Nora said. She fluffed her hair absentmindedly and sighed.

  “Don't pretend I'm saying ridiculous things, please.”

  “I’m sorry,” Nora said. “You're both mad at me right now. It makes me feel a little tense.”

  “I’m not mad.”

  “Okay, mad was a strong word.”

  I kept my mouth closed. Maybe if I stopped talking she'd feel a little more comfortable and relax.

  “What's going on with you guys?”

  I couldn't leave it.

  “I think she's pushing me away,” Nora said, playing with the cross on her chain just like I always did.