by Britney King
Addison put her hand on her hip. “No. A man who wants to come back. Myles tells me that you guys Skype regularly…”
“Yeah. But it’s not the same.”
“He says he’s worried about you, Jessica.”
“He said that?”
“Yes. And it’s not good.”
“Why not? I worry about him…”
“It’s not good because he’s worried for all of the wrong reasons… Don’t you think he has enough to worry about out there without you looking like hell frozen over? It’s time to pull yourself together. Make him excited to come home, Jess. Stop moping around. It’s not doing yourself or anyone else any good.”
“I’m not moping around… I’ve been writing.”
Addison narrowed her gaze. “Writing what?”
“A book?”
She stuck her bottom lip out and nodded slowly. “Well, that’s good. What’s it about?”
“It’s about you, actually.”
“Me?”
Jess grinned. “Yeah… your life story.”
“What? Addison cocked her head and then frowned. Why?”
“I don’t know… it’s interesting.”
“You hate the choices I made. You were so angry at me for so long.”
“I do not. And I wasn’t exactly angry…”
Addison placed her hand on her hip and waited Jess out.
“Fine. I was a little angry. But that was before…”
“And this is now?”
Jess smiled a smile that lit up her entire face. There were only a few people who could make her smile like that. “Yes.”
Addie considered her for a moment. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”
“Where to?”
She shrugged as if it were the most irrelevant question in the world. “I don’t know… does it matter? Shopping probably. And you could use some hair color…”
Jess smiled and stood up. She’d missed her ‘tell it like it is’ friend.
“Oh, and Jess…”
“Yeah?”
“Write your own damned story.”
She and Myles did Skype regularly but as time went on, depending on where he was, which was information he could never give Jess, the Skype calls came more infrequently. So Jess would write to him instead. She’d send him her latest chapter and he’d send her notes on what he thought. When he informed her that he’d shared her story with some of his buddies and that they were all enjoying hearing it and wondering when the next chapter was coming, she wasn’t exactly thrilled. However, as time went on, she enjoyed hearing what they thought via Myles and knowing that she was at least providing a sense of entertainment, if nothing else.
Myles emailed her often. In the hours often late at night that she missed him most, she’d take out his emails, always just like Myles, short and to the point, and read them over and over until she could fall asleep—always thinking of him.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Let me count the ways…
Dear Jessica,
You know me. I’m often a man of few words, but I just wanted to take the time today to tell you what I love about you…
Most of the time people don’t want to hear the hard stuff. They want you to placate them, to cradle their fears—to soothe them so that it’s okay so that they can keep playing small—or not play at all.
In other words, they’re lazy.
But not you. You’re a fighter.
And that’s just one thing I love about you.
As of today, there are exactly eleven months and fourteen days until I hold you in my arms again…
Love,
M
Jess wrote back.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Let me count the ways…
Dear Myles,
Seeing your name pop up on my phone is like checking the mail and finding a handmade card stuck between a big stack of bills.
It’s like Christmas morning.
And blowing out candles on my birthday cake… because, you know, the wish.
In other words, it’s really nice.
The kids are well. Cat had a great recital. Jonathan’s photograph of Romeo made it to the second round of the contest he entered. Speaking of Romeo—that dog, I swear. He broke through the fence again and chased the mailman down. He just wanted to play, but the mail guy didn’t seem to think it was so funny. You should have seen his face when I caught up with them. I think I’m going to have to get one of those invisible fence things. I think he needs your training skill… your deep voice and presence. I miss it, too.
Be safe and hurry home.
Love,
Jess
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: How Much Do I Miss You?
Dear Jess,
You may be asking yourself how much I miss you…
In that case, or any other, I just want to take the time today to tell you that I miss you so much that I look for you in places you couldn’t possibly be. You’re in every sunrise, every sunset, in everything beautiful.
The past eight months have been the longest ten years of my life.
I won’t feel whole until we’re together again.
As of today, there are exactly ten months and three days until I hold you in my arms again…
Love,
M
P.S. Please ask Jonathan if he received my emails. I haven’t heard from him in several weeks. Give Cat my love and tell her I loved the video. She is an amazing dancer, Jess. Tell her I’m sending something off for her this week.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: How Much Do I Miss You?
Dear Myles,
Attached is the next chapter. I’m almost finished. How crazy is that?
Romeo is doing well. He got into something dead and smelled wretched the other day, and I had to bathe him myself. It was an experience for us both. You were right. He is a good companion.
As for Jonathan, no need to worry. There’s a girl and let’s just say that’s where the majority of his time is going. He said he sent you a photo of the two of them…
And remember how worried I was that he’d never get out from behind that computer? Well, I hadn’t factored girls into that equation.
Silly me.
Be safe and hurry home.
Love,
Jess
P.S. Cat received the doll and she was thrilled. It’s beautiful, Myles. Really. Thank you for being so great to them. You have no idea how much it means to me.
In September, about nine months before Myles was scheduled to come home and while on a girl’s weekend with Addison and some of her friends, Jess’s phone rang. Myles’s name lit up on the screen.
Jess couldn’t swipe it fast enough. It had been almost three months since she’d heard his voice.
“Hello. Myles!”
“Hey, there.” She could practically see the smile she heard in his voice.
“Oh, my gosh. It’s so good to hear your voice. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you, too. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to call. We’ve been deployed… I’m back on base now, but I’m not sure for how long.” He sighed.
Jess’s voice caught. “You sound tired.”
“I’m fine. Just missing you, that’s all…”
“Addison and I are in San Francisco. She’s fun and all… but I can’t help wishing I were here with you…”
“Just nine more months. And then I’m out. I’ve decided that, for good this time. I’m getting older, Jess, and I’m not sure I can hack this life anymore, to tell you the truth. Plus, there’s a girl back home that means the world to me.”
“Wow. I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear those words
from you…”
“Yeah, well, I got the pictures you sent. You look beautiful. You always were. But whatever you’re up to these days, it looks good on you.”
“Addison got ahold of me. I’ve been working with her and her trainer.”
“Tell her I said hello.”
“Oh yeah… before I forget… did you get my email about my big news?”
“No. We haven’t had computer access for a few weeks…”
Jess beamed. “My divorce was final last week.”
He laughed. God, he sounded so good. “So, you’re a free woman now, huh?”
“Something like that.”
“That’s great news. But, hey, listen… I gotta run. There’s a line here and they’re staring me down. I’ll call again just as soon as I can, okay?”
“I love you, Myles.”
“I love you, too…”
She would do anything if she could keep him on that phone, anything to not have to hang up. “All right… well, be safe.”
“Hey, Jess…”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t wait to make you mine.”
In November, right before Thanksgiving, on a day when Jess was particularly missing him, she sent him this:
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Today, I’m not even going to pretend.
Dear Myles,
Is it bad that I want it to be raining where you are? That I want the weather to be gloomy—dark and gray, so maybe, just maybe, in hopes that you’re as miserable there as I am here without you.
I look around at all of the happy families preparing for the holidays and I think back to this time last year, and I ache for you to be here. It literally hurts, Myles. I didn’t even know missing someone could physically hurt. But it can.
Sometimes, on days when the weather is nice, I sit out in the garden and I play games with myself. I pretend that you’re there in my office above the barn waiting for me... or that you’re out working and I’m waiting for you. And sometimes, I swear I even see you there, coming around the bend. And just for a second, I can breathe easily again. Until I realize that it’s not real and my heart sinks.
I die a thousand tiny deaths every time I play this game.
And yet I play.
Be safe and hurry home.
Love,
Jess
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Today, I’m not even going to pretend.
Dear Jess,
I’m sorry it’s taken me several days to get back with you. I hope you’re in a better place now. It kills me that you’re hurting. If I had known what I know now, I never would have come. I’m sorry for that, Jess. I’m sorry for putting you through this.
The truth is you were right. There comes a certain point where the people you love dictate where you want to be. And I want to be back in Texas, there with you, where I left my heart.
But the good news is that I’ll be home soon.
As of today, there are exactly seven months and eighteen days until I hold you in my arms again…
Love,
M
Three days before Christmas, Jess was in her office wrapping the last of the kids’ gifts when there was a knock at the door. “Miss Jessica.” Dean.
“Come in.”
“There are some people here to see you, ma’am.” Jess frowned. He sounded out of breath.
She looked over her shoulder. His expression was twisted. Jess exhaled and dropped the scissors. “I’m coming…”
She started for the stairs and stopped when she saw the uniforms. Her face fell and she shook her head slowly. Slowly, she made her way down the stairs, one by one.
She straightened her back. No. No. No. “Can I help you?”
“Are you Mrs. Clemens?”
She nodded.
“Mrs. Clemens, we regretfully inform you that Myles Ingram was killed in the line of duty yesterday.”
Jess collapsed and all she remembers now were the wails that came from somewhere deep within her body, guttural screams, and then Dean catching her and the rocking back and forth, back and forth. There were other things that happened that afternoon. Like Romeo trying to attack the officers when the screaming began and him lying at Jess’s side, his head in her lap. At some point, Addison arrived and her mother took the children. But she wouldn’t remember any of that. She only recalled the screams, the sound of herself begging, pleading with anyone and everyone, for the words they’d uttered not to be true.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The days and weeks that followed will always be remembered as somewhat of a blur. There were moments of extreme clarity, for example, when decisions needed to be made. Jess was informed via a letter that Myles had designated her as the person to make these decisions. Oddly enough, they’d never discussed this, but the more Jess considered it, the more she realized that, to her knowledge, there was no one else to make them.
She was told that his body was being flown back and was set to arrive within a few days, but was given little information on what to do other than that. Jess hadn’t a clue what to do. She had no idea whether he would want to be buried or cremated, and if he wanted to be buried, where. She was hoping for answers and went so far as to have Addison try to find his ex-wife, figuring maybe she knew and also to figure out where his daughter was buried, as this is where she figured he’d want to be.
The thing that happens when someone dies, Jess found, is that you think you’ll have all of this time to process it, but instead, there’s such a whirlwind of things that are happening around you and things that need to be taken care of that there isn’t time to deal with anything other than the task at hand.
It was too bad that Jess had spent so much time fretting over what to do because had she only known what would arrive three days later, she certainly could have and would have saved herself a ton of worry. Jess had been out walking Romeo around their property line when a UPS truck stopped to deliver a package. Jess signed for the box. She hadn’t been expecting anything, but once she saw the outside of the brown box, she knew.
She regarded the box as though maybe it contained a bomb or anthrax. She studied it. Her name and address were neatly written in Myles’s handwriting, and for a second, it was like nothing had happened at all—that he was still simply away, making his way back to her, a little more day by day. And when she looked at it like that, she considered that maybe it was true in some sense. Depending on what one believed about what happens after one dies, perhaps each day lived was one day closer to him in death. It was this thought that would carry her through in the months to come.
Jess immediately took the package back to her office and opened it. As she gently shook the contents out, she realized that the box held most of Myles’s personal belongings. She laid them out, one by one, on the bed where they’d spent so much time. Then she sat down on that bed, placed her head in her hands, and wept. When the tears quit falling, she lay down, wrapped herself in a t-shirt she’d so often remembered him wearing, and sobbed herself to sleep.
It was near dusk when she finally awoke to Romeo nudging her. He needed to go out. Jess opened the door to let him out and then eyed the contents that were splayed out on the bed once more before picking up the white envelope with her name written across it. She ran her fingers over it as she imagined where he was and what his expression might have been when he’d written it. The letters of her name were displayed in that same familiar handwriting that for so long had made her heart leap whenever she saw it. Now it was simply a heavy reminder of all that would be forever missing. She took a deep breath and heard his voice ring in her ear. Open it, Jessica. What are you waiting for?
Jess carefully opened the envelope and removed the letter. She unfolded it, sat down in the chair Myles had made for her, and read the final words he’d written to her.
Dear
Jessica,
They tell us to write these letters in the event of our death, and I’ve always found it quite silly to write down all of the things that one might never have to say. But then I met you. And to tell you the truth, there’s still so much I want to say to you that I don’t know how one letter could possibly ever contain it all. But then again, you know me. I’ve never been exactly heavy on the emotion, so while I’d like to write you a novel—hell, a series for that matter —sadly, this will have to be enough.
First things first, on the business side of death, there are a few things you need to take care of—I want to be cremated and half of my ashes buried next to my daughter. The information and address can be found on the back of this letter. As for the other half, I’d like for you to spread them at the beach house—when you are ready. Just don’t wait too long, Jess, you need to move on. I know your heart, and I don’t want you to be one of those people who hang on too long. I want you to let me go and know that by you going on, that’s where you’ll find me. No more than three months, okay?
I have money in an account that you are the beneficiary of. The details are also on the back of this letter. I want you to make that money mean something. Every penny you ever paid me is in that account. I had planned to give it all back, anyway. Once I fell in love with you, I never wanted a dime for working for you. I want you to know that I would have done it for free, and I guess in a sense I have—aside from the pain I caused you now, that is.