by Unknown
“Trust me, you don’t.” My response elicits a frown from Josh. I carry on, not wanting to give him time to think about it, “Are there any deal-breakers for you?”
He gives my hand a squeeze, “I don’t think you could do a single thing that would change my mind about you.”
What am I supposed to say to that? Luckily, I don’t have to figure that out because he opens his door to get out. “Let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
Lunch goes surprisingly well. Josh gets along with Chelsea and her husband, as he seems to with everyone. I notice that at times I’m genuinely smiling and having a good time myself. No, scratch that, a great time. Shit.
Chapter 18
I’m having that feeling you get when you think someone may be watching you and I can’t seem to shake it. Eventually, it becomes so strong that when we rise for chorus I slyly peek over my shoulder.
My jaw all but drops: a few pews behind me sits Danny, boring holes into me with his eyes. My head snaps forward and my heart races double time. What is he doing here?
As we sit back down I sneak another glance, just to confirm that I’m not imagining him.
Yup, he’s definitely here. In dress clothes. I didn’t even know he owned dress clothes.
I glance over at Sam to see if she’s noticed him, but she’s busy pretending to listen. Besides, if she had I’m sure I would have heard about it.
My heart continues beating ferociously against my chest. I feel like it should show through my clothes, like in cartoons when it expands way out and goes back in and I’m thankful that this is real life or everyone would be wondering why my heart keeps hitting poor Mr. Anderson in the back of the head every half-second.
After the service, I do my best to make sure Sam doesn’t see him; at least not until I can find out why he’s here.
I scan the crowd, but I no longer see him.
I’m forced to stop my search when my dad leads us over to the Nelsons.
“Hello, Hannah,” Josh greets.
“Hi,” I reply absentmindedly, too caught up in thoughts of why Danny would be here and where he may have gone.
Josh makes more small talk, and my brain goes into autopilot to answer his questions; I couldn’t tell you a single thing either one of us said.
“What’s the matter with you?” Sam whispers next to me when Josh gets distracted by another member of the church offering him a hello. “You’re acting weird.”
I’m too distracted to answer, because I’ve spotted Danny hiding in the shadows by the piano, watching us. He’s wearing the same expression he did when Sam turned eighteen and wanted to go to a club. Danny stayed off to the side the whole time, his eyes stalking us like he was some crazed animal ready to pounce on his prey. It’s not a look I like on him, and it usually means trouble, like the brawl that got us kicked out of our first nightclub because some guys were too handsy. Despite how pissed Sam had been at her brother, I was secretly glad because I wasn’t comfortable being there in the first place. Now that I think of it, Tag had been pretty pissed too. They berated us the whole ride home like we had snuck out of the house and they had to come get us. I really am naïve. It makes me feel better that Sam apparently is too.
“I have to go to the ladies room,” I say over my shoulder, bypassing her question.
As much as I want to just rush to the bathroom, I take my time, going to the far back and through the door, then turning left down the hall. I wait at the end, hoping he’ll follow.
About thirty seconds later, Danny is striding towards me, but not in his usual I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-anything strut; no, this one is menacing and has me wishing Sam was here for backup.
I have to remind myself it’s Danny; he would never hurt me, even if the look in his eyes suggests otherwise.
I escape into the bathroom but he follows, locking the door behind him.
I bring my voice as low as I can, hissing out my words with crossed arms, “What are you doing here?”
He nods his head to the side, “I had to see him for myself.”
Oh. I slump back, not quite sure how to respond, “And?”
“And,” Dan steps closer, caging me against the sink so it’s digging into my lower back. He scowls, his face inching closer and I can feel his anger. “He’s wearing a sweater vest with khaki pants.” He emits a chuckle, though the tension in the room is anything but funny. “You do realize you’re basically dating your dad, right?”
I had realized that. I know that’s mostly the reason my father chose him. He liked that the reflection he saw was familiar, making it easier to give his daughter away.
My time’s running short, and before someone comes looking for me I try to shove him away, “You need to leave.”
He presses into me, restricting my body from moving. “Not yet. Not until I remind you about something.” His hand takes hold of the back of my neck as his lips meet mine. He seduces me with his mouth, his tongue swirling and playing in a way that makes me weak in the knees. I clutch his arms as the kiss deepens.
Just as I’m getting lost in him he pulls back so his lips are barely touching mine, “You think he could ever kiss you like that?”
“No,” I answer, my eyes still shut.
“End it.”
My eyes fly open.
“End it, Hannah,” he presses. “Be with me.”
“I am with you.”
Dan shakes his head, “No, not completely. I need more. I need you to be mine.”
“I can’t,” I plead. He knows how my family is. They would never accept him.
“You can.”
“No. My family wouldn’t allow it.”
“Fuck that, Hannah,” he snarls. “What do you want?”
You. Always.
“Please,” I plead again, because what I want has never been something I’m allowed. “Not here. Not now.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I won’t be the other guy.”
“You’re not. We’ve barely even touched.”
“Who does everyone think you’re with?” Dan challenges.
I swallow, “Josh.”
“Do they know about me?”
I close my eyes and shake my head no. I know where this is going.
“Then I’m the other guy.” His forehead connects to mine. “Make me the only guy. I want to be the guy.”
Why is he doing this to me right now? “Please, don’t make me do this.”
Dan steps back, dragging his hands through his hair, and I can see the hurt in his eyes. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t.” He jabs a thumb behind him, “I can’t watch some other guy look at you like that when I could be there standing next to you, letting it be known who has you. So when can you do it?”
“I don’t know. It’s not that easy.”
“Fuck that,” he rejects. “Be with me, and only me, or don’t. Those are your options.”
He storms out just as tears start falling from my eyes.
Why can’t he understand how difficult this is for me? I choose him, and I know that means my family will suffer and it will destroy our relationship. I pause to think.
It also means I’d have Daniel Shepard.
That makes my heart hurt less, and part of it sings for joy. That makes it clear what my answer should be, but unfortunately it really isn’t that easy. How am I supposed to choose between my family and Danny?
My chest tightens.
No matter which decision I make, I will lose people I love.
I wipe away the tears that won’t stop falling and do the only thing I can think of: I begin praying.
“Please Lord, help me to find the answers I need.
“I want to do what’s right by You and my family, but my heart…” I sigh, clasping my hands together and tilting my head back like I did as a little girl. “My heart wants things it shouldn’t. Things my family wouldn’t approve of. But why send the Shepard’s into my life if they weren’t meant to be a part of it?
“A lesson maybe?�
�� I shrug as I continue looking up, “But all I’ve learned is how much I want them in my life. And if I’m being honest, it’s taught me that I don’t want the same things my parents do.
“Surely this can’t be something You would want for me? To defy my parents? Everything I’ve been taught tells me to be obedient.
“Is that my answer? Is this a test of my loyalty to my family, my faith?
“Well played then, because I’ve never been more torn or uncertain on anything.
“Maybe I don’t deserve You in my life if it’s this hard for me to decide.
“I’m so confused. Please, help me. Give me guidance.
“In Jesus name, Amen.”
Chapter 19
For the next week I don’t visit Danny, knowing he doesn’t want to see me until I have an answer. Instead, I lay awake in bed each night, weighing every option: the good, the bad, and the ugly; all of it. My situation has me stuck in a loop between praying and searching the bible for answers, but no matter what I read or what I’ve been taught, I still want Danny.
It’s funny, I knew the day would come that we had to end, I just thought it would be because Dan wanted it to. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that he wanted me, plain, simple, conservative Hannah Malone, to stay with him.
I think about what choosing Danny would do to my family; how they wouldn’t understand, how it would devastate them. They would never accept him, and in turn would never allow us to be together. I would have to leave my home, my family, and most likely never see them again. I clutch my heart from the grief that thought causes.
My mind drifts back to Danny, and I notice the pain in my chest is replaced with happiness that vibrates through my whole body. I force myself again to think about no longer having him and it hurts more than anything else I can imagine.
I know what I have to do. I know what I want.
I choose Dan, because what kind of life would I be living without him in it?
My family may shun me at first, but I won’t give up. I will call and visit them all the time, not allowing them to exclude me for going against their wishes. Who knows, maybe they’ll be more understanding than I think.
Once my parents are fast asleep I sneak out, running to Danny’s house, the joy of being with him about to erupt from my body. I’m choosing a life with Dan! It’s exhilarating, a little bit terrifying because of the unknown, and a whole lot of wonderful.
From his bedroom window I can see that he’s there, sitting at the edge of his bed. He’s shirtless, in basketball shorts. His elbows are resting on his knees, hands clasped together, staring at the floor.
He’s about to be mine. The realization is more than I could have ever hoped for.
There’s no mistaking the noise I make as I hoist myself over the windowsill. Dan jumps up and faces me. His expression is as cautious as his stance.
When he talks, his voice is low and guarded, “Hey.”
I give a weak half-smile as my elation is replaced by nerves from my silly insecurities. What if he’s changed his mind? What if I took too long to decide?
He makes no move to get closer, “You’re here.”
“I am.”
“Does this mean…” he trails off, giving off nothing to show if he’s excited about me being here or not.
I nod, “It does.”
The smile that breaks out across his face washes away any doubt. I follow suit, because this is really happening: I’m choosing a life with Dan.
“Thank God,” he breathes out as he rushes towards me, sweeping me up into his arms and holding me tightly to him. “You have no idea what this week has done to me.”
“Sorry it took so long–”
He quiets me, “It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”
Dan holds me for a long time, both of us taking turns squeezing the others’ body closer to our own.
I know what comes next, and it’s not something I take lightly. It’s something I’ve thought a lot about these past months we’ve been together, the next step I want to take with him. I want to unite our bodies so that he gets a part of me no one else ever can.
I’m sure and confident when I speak, pulling my head back so I can see his beautiful pale blues, “Make me yours.”
His eyes search mine, “Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” I promise, and it’s the honest to God truth.
He’s hesitant as he begins kissing me. I yearn for more, for the connection we share so deeply. My hands roam his bare skin, goosebumps blazing behind me as my lips caress and tease.
The doubt he must have felt evaporates and he gets caught up in the lust we share. It doesn’t take long for us to be naked and tangled on his bed.
Dan is hovering over me as he rolls on a condom. He takes my hand and places it on his bare chest. His heart is beating at the same erratic pace of my own. “I wish this was the first time for both of us.” He dips his head to give me a kiss like he never has before, both his tongue and lips leaving me breathless and more than ready for the next phase of our relationship.
As he is about to enter, I feel like I should be nervous or feel guilty that he’s not my husband, but not a single part of me feels any of those things; only desire, and love so deep it pours into the space around us.
Dan’s steady when he enters, but the initial thrusts have me closing my eyes tightly as I try and remember to breathe. Although the pain eventually subsides, I wouldn’t call it pleasurable. What makes the moment something to cherish and hold onto is the way our bodies connect and mold together. Every noise of pleasure that escapes Danny’s lips has me soaring. I begin to understand how it works, and when I move my hips he lets out a moan so loud it fuels my own arousal.
“Hannah,” he groans into my ear as his body shivers in a way I’ve become familiar with; it lets me know that he’s close.
The idea of him releasing inside me (even though it will be through protection), has me digging my nails into him and working my hips harder, wanting his release. He wraps his arms under me, his body overtaking mine as he erupts, his face buried in my neck. His body is heavy over mine as it collapses, not that I would ever ask him to move; I want to stay like this forever.
“This moment means everything to me. You mean everything to me. You know that, right?” Danny says into my skin, sounding exhausted.
I can’t help but smile, sleepiness taking over. “I do now.”
Dan pulls out and I wince. He kisses me softly. “Are you all right?”
“Better than that.”
He gives me the sweetest smile before he removes his condom and tosses it in the trash next to his bed. He kisses me again, then turns us so I’m resting with part of my body over his. We snuggle like that for a long time while we soak in the moment, a beautiful moment that I will forever treasure.
Dan clears his throat, disrupting the silence, “Moments like these always have me wanting to bare my heart to you.”
I smile, “I don’t mind.” I love it when he shares how he feels. It makes me feel somewhat normal about the way I feel for him.
“Want to know why I started my landscaping business?”
“Besides being good at it?”
I can hear the smile in his voice, “Yeah.”
I yawn, “Wasn’t it for the boys?”
“The guys were part of it. I knew most of them didn’t have much drive, so I thought this way they would stay out of trouble. We could all be together and we’d make some cash. But no, the real reason was you.”
I lift my chin to rest on his chest, “Me?”
He looks down at me with a shy smile, “I always regretted that I quit baseball just to dick around with my friends, then you came along and I regretted it even more. Nothing in my life seemed good enough for you. Not that I thought we’d ever get to this point, but I still wanted to be someone worthy of you. I’m not good at much–”
“You are,” I cut in. “You’re amazing at so many things.”
> “I love that you think that,” he kisses the top of my head as I rest it back down. “But by the time I met you my grades were already shit and half the teachers hated me, so I knew my chances of getting into college were slim at best. Besides, even if I could get in I’d never enjoy it and probably wouldn’t last a year before dropping out. Anyway, one day I was digging holes for my old boss and thinking of you – I was always thinking of you.” I kiss his chest and he gives me a squeeze. “And I was wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life that would make you proud. Then it hit me: get really good at this landscaping stuff, open my own business, make it successful, and bam, there you go. It was an even better idea when I realized that I could hire the boys. Who better to trust than them? I knew they’d never let me down and it would keep them busy.”
“You really started your business for me?” I’m in complete shock. Not once would I have thought Danny cared for me that much.
“I really did.”
“I can’t believe you felt the same way for me as I did you.”
“You’re the only girl to ever make my heart race, my palms sweat, and my stomach go funny,” Dan confesses, stroking my back. “And that was just from you entering the same room as me. When I look at you? Shit, Hannah, you don’t even know what that does to me.”
I think back on how I felt during those same moments, and how I feel now when I see him. “I have a pretty good idea.”
“I’ve never felt good enough. I still don’t, but I promise you that I will work hard every day to be worthy of you.”
“You don’t need to try, just be you. That’s more than enough for me.”
Chapter 20
My next big step is telling my parents that I no longer want to court Josh, and I guess at some point I should probably tell him too. I am dreading both for obvious reasons. I wanted to tell my parents right away, but I keep chickening out.
“Hannah?” Lauren’s husband, Paul, asks, distracting me from my thoughts. “Can you get the orange juice?”