by Unknown
“Of course,” I reply as I finish setting the plates on the dining table and head into the kitchen. I grab the orange juice from the fridge. As I walk I can feel where Dan has been. The soreness is not as bad as the first few times, but I can definitely still tell where he has been. I love it. I love being reminded of him and this new connection we share. When I’m not being tormented with how to confront my parents, I’m walking around on cloud nine. If I could, I would spend every second with Dan inside me.
I put the pitcher of orange juice on the table, where the rest of my family is happily getting things together for Sunday brunch after church.
“Can you keep an eye on the kids while we finish up?” My mom requests.
I nod and go to the family room, where most of the kids have congregated.
I sit on the floor by the coffee table, sandwiched between Chelsea’s girls (upon their request, melted my heart), and they are talking my ear off about everything that interests them.
In the other room I can hear my dad share a work story that has the room laughing, then Aaron and Paul share some of theirs, continuing the laughter.
I color with the group that has formed around the coffee table, making sure to monitor that none of the toddlers or babies put things in their mouths they’re not supposed to.
All in all, it’s a typical Sunday afternoon and one of my favorite times of the week. Everybody is always laid back, there’s yummy food, and I get to see all my nieces and nephews.
The doorbell rings and the Nelsons’ entire family arrives. All nine of them, plus their spouses and children. The house is packed with people. Josh stays close to me like we are a couple.
As we have brunch (buffet style because of the amount of people), my dad leads us all in prayer and raises a glass of juice, “Nothing pleases me more than finding a family that shares the same values we hold so close. I look forward to the day our families become one.”
Everyone clinks glasses, and I want to crawl under the table and hide.
There’s no wussing out of this, I have to tell my parents tonight.
The hardest part, besides the guilt, is seeing how great our families get along. Everywhere I turn someone is laughing, kids are happily playing, and animated conversations are happening. To make it worse, Josh is always smiling over at me; not as strongly as Dan does, but I can tell his feelings have grown for me.
As my mom, sisters, and I clean up a bit to keep it from getting out of hand, Chelsea speaks up, “You know, I feel really good about this. I already thought Josh was wonderful, and now that I’ve spent time with his family, they’re just as great. His sister, Rosemary, is going to come over next week to help me finish that quilt I’ve been having a hard time with, and then show me her easy, go-to dinner for when she’s had a long day!”
Lauren hands me a dish to dry, “I agree. Truly wonderful. My kids have already formed friendships with the ones their age. This will make holidays so much fun!”
As I listen to them gush I shrink smaller and smaller in size.
I’ve been so selfish.
The decision I had thought I was certain of now seems so self-centered and self-satisfying.
A marriage is more than just two people.
I clear dishes in a trance, overcome with discord, my new favorite emotion.
The more they gush about Josh and his family, the more I begin to doubt myself.
Josh places a hand over mine to stop me from cleaning, “Can I have a moment with you?”
“Uh, sure.”
I follow behind him as he takes us to the living room, which is surprisingly clear of people. The background noise is both our families enjoying the others company. Josh takes a seat on the loveseat and motions for me to join him. He takes my hands in his.
“I know it’s only been a few months since we first started getting to know one another, but I have a confession to make: I’ve had my eye on you since before I left for South America. I even thought about you when I was there. You’ve always been so kind to everyone around you, giving a helping hand even when I could tell you didn’t want to, but I never saw you complain.” He winks at me, “Not verbally anyway.”
I can’t help but give him a quick laugh.
“After everything I saw there, it made me so grateful for the life I have been handed, and for the first time it had me wanting a family. You were the one that immediately came to mind. When I got back to the states I knew that getting our fathers to set us up was my first priority, and then I got to spend time with you and I fell for you; it took me by surprise, but I did. You’re so much more than I thought you would be, in the best possible way. You have a mischievous side that I want to get to know. A quiet side that’s different than your norm, when I know you’re thinking, and I want to know those thoughts, to share them with you.” He shakes his head with a grin, “I’m rambling. I’m just a mixture of excited and so nervous I might be sick.”
His honesty has me smiling, though from the dread in my gut I’m fairly certain I know where this is going, and after this afternoon I’m fairly certain I know what my answer has to be.
“I also want to give you things that will make you smile, be it a sewing room or a guest room for your friend that everybody seems to ignore. I like that you don’t care that she’s not like the rest of our church. In fact, I get the feeling that’s part of what you like about her. I know that’s why I do, besides knowing you do.
“Anything you want, I want to give to you. You want a hundred children? Done. An only child? Fine with me. And I promise I won’t overwork, that you and our little squirts will be my top priority next to our relationship with our lord and savior.
“I promise to always take your opinion into consideration, and for you to feel like you have a say in our household. I want this to be a union. So with that being said,” Josh gets down on one knee, pulls out a black box from his pocket, and opens it out in front of him, “Hannah Marie Malone, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
I stare at the man before me, the man who I know will be a good husband to me and father to our children. Our union will make not only our parents happy, but our siblings and their children as well.
I answer with the only choice I have, “Yes.”
He places a soft kiss on my lips, and although there are no fireworks or increased heartbeats, it also doesn’t repulse me. Who knows, maybe over time those feelings will grow.
As though they had all been listening from the other side, our families come in to congratulate us. The women fuss over my ring, which is modest in size but definitely impressive and quite sparkly. My dad breaks open the bottles of sparkling apple cider, and not the cheap knock-offs; they go for Martinelli’s, as it is a time to celebrate.
We all clink glasses, Josh with his arm around my hip. My emotions have left my body and I move and respond robotically. On the upside, I do love seeing everyone around me so happy and joyous.
I know what I have to do next, and not only is it the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but it just might destroy me.
***
With shaky hands I remove my ring, leaving it behind on the bedside table. I carefully sneak out of my house. My steps are slow and contemplative on my walk to Danny’s, and I almost turn back at every block.
At Danny’s window my heart is so heavy I don’t think I can lift my body up, but somehow I do, willing myself not to cry.
Dan is on his bed, a hand resting behind his head, his eyes closed. I take the moment to drink him in, to memorize every muscle, every ripple of his abs, his face, his hair that’s flattened on top from wearing a hat all day; every square inch of him.
My chest gets so tight that it’s hard to breathe, and when I try to take in some air I make a strangled noise. It’s soft, but enough to capture his attention. He lifts one eye open as a relaxed grin lazily takes shape on one side of his mouth. “Hey, beautiful.”
“Hey,” I croak out. I play with the end of my braid.
When it’
s been several seconds he opens both eyes and the happiness shining behind them is too much for me. He pats the bed next to him. “Get over…” his voice fades out as he takes me in, his face going from elated to a frown. He sits up straighter, “What’s wrong?”
I open my mouth but I can’t get it out. I close it and shake my head. I can’t do this, but I have to because as much as I love Danny, he is one person. One person versus the houses of people it would devastate if I chose him. Tears start pouring down my face.
He’s up and off the bed in a flash. I put my hands out in front of me and back up. I won’t be able to do this if he’s touching me.
Dan stops in his tracks, uncertain as to why I stopped him.
“I’m sorry,” I sob, a hand coming to my mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
“Baby,” he grins, but there’s caution in his eyes. “What do you have to be sorry about?” Just as he says the last few words, his brows come together in understanding. His body stumbles back like he’s been struck.
My words are hard to understand from my heavy crying, “I needed to tell you first.”
“Don’t do this,” he pleads coming back towards me. “I love you.”
When I take another step back he looks like I just stabbed him in the heart, which I might as well have.
I clutch my chest in pain. I finally have the only thing I’ve ever wanted, and I have to let it go. Why does it have to hurt this bad? “I’m so sorry.”
Dan runs his fingers through his hair in agitation and growls, “Stop saying that.” His eyes plead with mine, “You don’t have to do this.”
“Would you give up Sam for me? Tag? Your boys?”
“I’d give up everything for you.”
He says that now, but he doesn’t know. He’s not forced to make that decision and he will never have to.
I want to say I’m sorry again, but hold it in.
“Give it more time. You don’t have to make a decision yet,” he negotiates in a voice I have never heard from him. A voice of desperation. “I can give you more space, more time to think. I was too hard on you before.”
“It’s already done.”
His brows knit further, his expression a mixture of confusion and torment.
He needs to hear it from me first, but my next few words gut me and leave me open and bleeding, “Josh asked me to marry him.”
Dan rocks back on his heels, and I deliver the final blow that drops him to his knees. “I said yes.”
His shaking head falls into his hands as his knees make a hard thud on the floor.
“Don’t do this,” his voice is muffled, but I can hear the heartache in his words. He looks up, tears glistening his eyes, “How can you do this after everything we’ve shared?” I know he means more than just our bodies as his eyes search mine. When he doesn’t find the answer he wants, his head drops back down like it takes too much effort to keep it up.
I want to tell him I’m sorry and that I’ll always love him and never forget what we’ve shared, but I know he doesn’t want to hear it. I wouldn’t if I were him.
I need to leave before I go to comfort him – before I change my mind.
I take one last look at him, the broken man cradling his face. The image is going to haunt me, but I deserve it. For the first time, I regret letting things get this far. Pining for him my whole life would have been far better than destroying the man I love.
I jump down from his window, and for the whole walk home I can hear my sobs echoing all around me.
Chapter 21
I wait until Friday night to tell Sam, knowing their house will be crowded and I won’t have to be in a room with just the two of them.
Once my parents are fast asleep I make the walk, grateful for the steady rhythm of my footsteps that help to calm me.
The week after getting engaged should be filled with joy, not heartache and misery.
Thoughts of Dan consume me, but then again, they have for a long time, except now those thoughts bring pain and sadness. The sting and pressure against my heart is something I fear may never go away.
My ring is on my finger. I know Sam will want to see it, so I plan on telling her in the privacy of her room. Danny doesn’t need to see it. I couldn’t do that to him.
The house is raging with people, the biggest party I have ever seen there. I look around for Sam, but I can’t find her.
“Mary!” A familiar voice shouts behind me.
Maddox approaches and wraps me up in a hug, “Where have you been?”
I get straight to the point, not having it in me for anything else, “Have you seen Sam?”
He winks, “Probably with her boy toy.”
Great. I definitely don’t want to walk in on that.
I decide to use the restroom and see if Sam’s door is open on the way in case they went somewhere else, because then I can hang out in there until she comes in.
I completely regret that decision.
Dan is in the doorway of the bathroom, blocking my access with some girl whose tongue is down his throat and his hands are groping her ass.
Tiny jabs of pain prick my heart and then explode into my whole body.
The girl removes her lips and takes his hand, leading him to his room, “Come on.”
Dan lifts his head with a smirk, stopping when he sees me.
We hold gazes until he becomes blurry from the tears forming.
I turn on my heels and walk back down the hall.
He grabs my arm and whips me around.
“You’re not allowed to look at me like that,” he growls in my face, anger flaring in his eyes. “You left me, remember? So you don’t get to look at me like I’ve hurt you. Like I’m betraying you!”
Dan drops my arm and storms back into his room, slamming the door shut behind him. I can hear the girl’s giggles. I cover my ears and turn, slamming straight into Sam.
She hugs me gleefully, “Hannah! You’re here!”
I pull myself together as best I can, “Only for a minute.”
She points a finger from where I had just been, “Was that Danny just talking to you?”
I nod.
“I hope he wasn’t an ass. He’s been the biggest jerk this week. I’m about ready to kill him. Do yourself a favor and avoid him until he removes whatever stick got up his butt.”
“Can we talk?” I don’t want to talk about Danny. For the first time, I just want to get home.
“Sure!” Sam takes my hand and guides me to her room. She closes the door and we plop down on her bed. “What’s up?’
I put out my hand to showcase the diamond ring.
She gasps before grabbing my hand and pulling it to her face. “Damn, that’s a pretty ring.”
It sure is.
She frowns and looks up at me, “How do you feel about it?”
“I’m glad that it’s Josh,” which I am. I know he’s a good man who will be a good husband and father.
“Well that’s good. So tell me how it happened.”
I proceed to tell her everything, including the speech.
“Wow, that’s pretty romantic,” Sam gushes.
I guess it was. I really need to work on being more grateful. “The best part was that I truly think he meant having a room for you to come and stay over, and that you can visit whenever you want.”
“That’s so awesome,” she gives me a hug. “You don’t have to give up a thing to get married!”
I wish that were true. Oh how I wish that were true.
Sam claps her hands in excitement, “I bet he’d even let us meet up for lunches!”
“I bet he totally would.”
“Can you imagine actually getting to go do stuff together?”
I can. It will be amazing.
“So this is a good thing! You’ll be out of your parent’s house and might actually get some freedom!”
For the first time I have a glimmer of hope, because she’s right. I don’t think Josh expects me to sit around at home all day tending to
the house. I really don’t think he’d have a problem with me coming and going. I bet I don’t even have to tell him everything I do at every second of the day like my mom has to.
I smile. I can’t help it. It might not be the future I dreamed about, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the future I always feared I would have.
We hug again, and I have her quickly report what’s going on with her before I have to get home. She gushes about Tag, so completely in love with him that it’s all over her face before she even mentions his name. Then she becomes sheepish, “I don’t think I’m going to go to New York. I’m thinking about teaching dance? My instructor talked to me about it. Is that silly?”
“No, it’s wonderful! You’d be amazing at it!”
She blushes. Sam never blushes, and I know she wants it more than she’s saying.
“Go for it Sam, all you’ve ever wanted was to dance. Now you can.”
“Yeah, Tag said the same thing. I thought I wanted to become some world-traveling dancer, but I can never seem to leave this town. It’s my home. I’d miss everyone too much and this just feels right, you know?”
I nod and give her the biggest, squishiest hug ever, “Thank you for taking a chance on me all those years ago.”
She squeezes me back, “Thank you for stalking us.”
We laugh, still holding on. “I love you,” I tell her.
“I love you, too. The future’s not as scary as I thought it was going to be,” she reflects as we let go.
My voice is hushed when I respond, “No, it’s not.”
We quickly hug again and I turn to leave, when she slaps my ass, “You’re such a little rebel, sneaking out of your house in the middle of the night!”
She has no idea.
I give her a wink, then slip out of her room.
Danny’s door is shut, but I don’t allow myself to dwell or it will ruin me.
It’s probably for the best that I saw him go in there with another woman, a tough reminder that we’re living our separate lives now. I have no choice but to accept that, no matter how much it makes me want to vomit.
I can’t say goodbye to the boys even though I’ll probably never get to see them again. I just can’t do it. I scan the room for each one, just to see them one last time in my own silent farewell.