The Yillian Way

by Keith Laumer

muttered. "After havingbeen informed at the outset that the Yill have no intention of yieldingan inch, one almost wonders...."

  "Mr. Ambassador," Retief said. "Have you noticed----"

  "However," Ambassador Spradley said, eyeing Retief, "a seasoneddiplomatist must take these little snubs in stride. In the end---- Ah,there, Magnan." He turned away, talking.

  Somewhere a gong clanged.

  In a moment, the corridor was filled with chattering Yill who moved pastthe group of Terrestrials into the banquet hall. P'Toi, the Yillinterpreter, came up and raised a hand.

  "Waitt heere...."

  More Yill filed into the dining room to take their places. A pair ofhelmeted guards approached, waving the Terrestrials back. An immensegray-jowled Yill waddled to the doors and passed through, followed bymore guards.

  "The Chief of State," Retief heard Magnan say. "The AdmirableF'Kau-Kau-Kau."

  "I have yet to present my credentials," Ambassador Spradley said. "Oneexpects some latitude in the observances of protocol, but I confess...."He wagged his head.

  The Yill interpreter spoke up.

  "You now whill lhie on yourr intesstinss, and creep to fesstive boardthere." He pointed across the room.

  "Intestines?" Ambassador Spradley looked about wildly.

  "Mr. P'Toi means our stomachs, I wouldn't wonder," Magnan said. "He justwants us to lie down and crawl to our seats, Mr. Ambassador."

  "What the devil are you grinning at, you idiot?" the ambassador snapped.

  * * * * *

  Magnan's face fell.

  Spradley glanced down at the medals across his paunch.

  "This is.... I've never...."

  "Homage to godss," the interpreter said.

  "Oh. Oh, religion," someone said.

  "Well, if it's a matter of religious beliefs...." The ambassador lookeddubiously around.

  "Golly, it's only a couple of hundred feet," Magnan offered.

  Retief stepped up to P'Toi.

  "His Excellency the Terrestrial Ambassador will not crawl," he saidclearly.

  "Here, young man! I said nothing----"

  "Not to crawl?" The interpreter wore an unreadable Yill expression.

  "It is against our religion," Retief said.

  "Againsst?"

  "We are votaries of the Snake Goddess," Retief said. "It is a sacrilegeto crawl." He brushed past the interpreter and marched toward thedistant table.

  The others followed.

  Puffing, the ambassador came to Retief's side as they approached thedozen empty stools on the far side of the square opposite the brocadedposition of the Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau.

  "Mr. Retief, kindly see me after this affair," he hissed. "In themeantime, I hope you will restrain any further rash impulses. Let meremind you _I_ am chief of mission here."

  Magnan came up from behind.

  "Let me add my congratulations, Retief," he said. "That was fastthinking----"

  "Are you out of your mind, Magnan?" the ambassador barked. "I amextremely displeased!"

  "Why," Magnan stuttered, "I was speaking sarcastically, of course, Mr.Ambassador. Didn't you notice the kind of shocked little gasp I gavewhen he did it?"

  The Terrestrials took their places, Retief at the end. The table beforethem was of bare green wood, with an array of shallow pewter dishes.

  Some of the Yill at the table were in plain gray, others in black. Alleyed them silently. There was a constant stir among them as one oranother rose and disappeared and others sat down. The pipes and reedswere shrilling furiously, and the susurration of Yillian conversationfrom the other tables rose ever higher in competition.

  A tall Yill in black was at the ambassador's side now. The nearby Yillfell silent as he began ladling a whitish soup into the largest of thebowls before the Terrestrial envoy. The interpreter hovered, watching.

  "That's quite enough," Ambassador Spradley said, as the bowl overflowed.The Yill servant rolled his eyes, dribbled more of the soup into thebowl.

  "Kindly serve the other members of my staff," the ambassador said. Theinterpreter said something in a low voice. The servant moved hesitantlyto the next stool and ladled more soup.

  * * * * *

  Retief watched, listening to the whispers around him. The Yill at thetable were craning now to watch. The soup ladler was ladling rapidly,rolling his eyes sideways. He came to Retief, reached out with the fullladle for the bowl.

  "No," Retief said.

  The ladler hesitated.

  "None for me," Retief said.

  The interpreter came up and motioned to the servant, who reached again,ladle brimming.

  "I ... DON'T ... LIKE ... IT!" Retief said, his voice distinct in thesudden hush. He stared at the interpreter, who stared back, then wavedthe servant away.

  "Mr. Retief!" a voice hissed.

  Retief looked down at the table. The ambassador was leaning forward,glaring at him, his face a mottled crimson.

  "I'm warning you, Mr. Retief," he said hoarsely. "I've eaten sheep'seyes in the Sudan, ka swe in Burma, hundred-year _cug_ on Mars andeverything else that has been placed before me in the course of mydiplomatic career. And, by the holy relics of Saint Ignatz, you'll dothe same!" He snatched up a spoon-like utensil and dipped it into hisbowl.

  "Don't eat that, Mr. Ambassador," Retief said.

  The ambassador stared, eyes wide. He opened his mouth, guided the spoontoward it----

  Retief stood, gripped the table under its edge and heaved. The immensewooden slab rose and tilted, dishes sliding. It crashed to the floorwith a ponderous slam.

  Whitish soup splattered across the terrazzo. A couple of odd bowlsrolled across the room. Cries rang out from the Yill, mingling with astrangled yell from Ambassador Spradley.

  Retief walked past the wild-eyed members of the mission to thesputtering chief. "Mr. Ambassador," he said. "I'd like----"

  "You'd like! I'll break you, you young hoodlum! Do you realize----"

  "Pleass...." The interpreter stood at Retief's side.

  "My apologies," Ambassador Spradley said, mopping his forehead. "Myprofound apologies."

  "Be quiet," Retief said.

  "Wha--what?"

  "Don't apologize," Retief said. P'Toi was beckoning.

  "Pleasse, arll come."

  Retief turned and followed him.

  The portion of the table they were ushered to was covered with anembroidered white cloth, set with thin porcelain dishes. The Yillalready seated there rose, amid babbling, and moved down the table. Theblack-clad Yill at the end table closed ranks to fill the vacant seats.Retief sat down and found Magnan at his side.

  "What's going on here?" the second secretary said angrily.

  "They were giving us dog food," Retief said. "I overheard a Yill. Theyseated us at the bottom of the servants' table----"

  "You mean you know their language?"

  "I learned it on the way out. Enough, at least."

  The music burst out with a clangorous fanfare, and a throng of jugglers,dancers and acrobats poured into the center of the hollow square,frantically juggling, dancing and back-flipping. Black-clad servantsswarmed suddenly, heaping mounds of fragrant food on the plates of Yilland Terrestrials alike, pouring a pale purple liquor into slenderglasses. Retief sampled the Yill food. It was delicious.

  Conversation was impossible in the din. He watched the gaudy display andate heartily.

  III

  Retief leaned back, grateful for the lull in the music. The last of thedishes were whisked away, and more glasses filled. The exhaustedentertainers stopped to pick up the thick square coins the diners threw.

  Retief sighed. It had been a rare feast.

  "Retief," Magnan said in the comparative quiet, "what were you sayingabout dog food as the music came up?"

  Retief looked at him. "Haven't you noticed the pattern, Mr. Magnan? Theseries of deliberate affronts?"

  "Deliberate affronts! Just a minute, Retief. They're uncouth, yes
,crowding into doorways and that sort of thing...." He looked at Retiefuncertainly.

  "They herded us into a baggage warehouse at the terminal. Then theyhauled us here in a garbage truck----"

  "Garbage truck!"

  "Only symbolic, of course. They ushered us in the tradesman's entrance,and assigned us cubicles in the servants' wing. Then we were seatedwith the coolie class sweepers at the bottom of the table."

  "You must be.... I mean, we're the Terrestrial delegation! Surely theseYill must realize our power."

  "Precisely, Mr. Magnan. But----"

  With a clang of cymbals the musicians launched a renewed assault. Sixtall, helmeted Yill sprang into the center of the floor and paired offin a wild performance, half dance, half combat. Magnan pulled atRetief's arm, his mouth moving.

  Retief shook his head. No one could talk against a Yill orchestra infull cry. He sampled a bright red wine and watched the show.

  There was a flurry of action, and two of the dancers stumbled andcollapsed, their partner-opponents whirling away to pair off again,describe the elaborate pre-combat ritual, and abruptly set to, dulledsabres clashing--and two more Yill were down, stunned. It was a violentdance.

  Retief watched, the drink forgotten.

  The last two Yill approached and retreated, whirled, bobbed and spun,feinted and postured--and on the instant, clashed, strainingchest-to-chest--then broke apart, heavy weapons chopping, parrying, asthe music mounted to a frenzy.

  Evenly matched, the two hacked, thrust, blow for blow, across thefloor, then back, defense forgotten, slugging it out.

  And then one was slipping, going down, helmet awry. The other, a giant,muscular Yill, spun away, whirled in a mad skirl of pipes as coinsshowered--then froze before a gaudy table, raised the sabre and slammedit down in a resounding blow across the gay cloth before a lace andbow-bedecked Yill in the same instant that the music stopped.

  In utter silence the dancer-fighter stared across the table at theseated Yill.

  With a shout, the Yill leaped up, raised a clenched fist. The dancerbowed his head, spread his hands on his helmet.

  Retief took a deep gulp of a pale yellow liqueur and leaned forward towatch. The beribboned Yill waved a hand negligently, spilled a handfulof coins across the table and sat down.

  The challenger spun away in a screeching shrill of music. Retief caughthis eye for an instant as he passed.

  And then the dancer stood rigid before the brocaded table--and the musicstopped off short as the sabre slammed down before a heavy Yill inornate metallic coils. The challenged Yill rose and raised a fist. Theother ducked his head, put his hands on his helmet. Coins rolled. Thedancer moved on.

  Twice more the dancer struck the table in ritualistic challenge,exchanged gestures, bent his neck and passed on. He circled the broadfloor, sabre twirling, arms darting in an intricate symbolism. Theorchestra blared shrilly, unmuffled now by the surf-roar ofconversation. The Yill, Retief noticed suddenly, were sitting silent,watching. The dancer was closer now, and then he was before Retief,poised, towering, sabre above his head.

  The music cut, and in the startling instantaneous silence, the heavysabre whipped over and down with an explosive concussion that set dishesdancing on the table-top.

  * * * * *

  The Yill's eyes held on Retief's. In the silence, Magnan tittereddrunkenly. Retief pushed back his stool.

  "Steady, my boy," Ambassador Spradley called. Retief stood, the Yilltopping his six foot three by an inch. In a motion almost too quick tofollow, Retief reached for the sabre, twitched it from the Yill's grip,swung it in a whistling cut. The Yill ducked, sprang back, snatched up asabre dropped by another dancer.

  "Someone stop the madman!" Spradley howled.

  Retief leaped across the table, sending fragile dishes spinning.

  The other danced back, and only then did the orchestra spring to lifewith a screech and a mad tattoo of high-pitched drums.

  Making no attempt to following the weaving pattern of the Yill bolero,Retief pressed the other, fending off vicious cuts with the bluntweapon, chopping back relentlessly. Left hand on hip, Retief matchedblow for blow, driving the other back.

  Abruptly, the Yill abandoned the double role. Dancing forgotten, hesettled down in earnest, cutting, thrusting, parrying; and now the twostood toe to toe, sabres clashing in a lightning exchange. The Yill gavea step, two, then rallied, drove Retief back, back----

  And the Yill stumbled. His sabre clattered, and Retief dropped his pointas the other wavered past him and crashed to the floor.

  The orchestra fell silent in a descending wail of reeds. Retief drew adeep breath and wiped his forehead.

  "Come back here, you young fool!" Spradley called hoarsely.

  Retief hefted the sabre, turned, eyed the brocade-draped table. Hestarted across the floor. The Yill sat as if paralyzed.

  "Retief, no!" Spradley yelped.

  Retief walked directly to the Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau, stopped, raisedthe sabre.

  "Not the chief of state," someone in the Terrestrial mission groaned.

  Retief whipped the sabre down. The dull blade split the cloth and clovethe hardwood table. There was utter silence.

  The Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau rose, seven feet of obese gray Yill. Broadface expressionless to any Terran eyes, he raised a fist like ajewel-studded ham.

  Retief stood rigid for a long moment. Then, gracefully, he inclined hishead, placed his finger tips on his temples.

  Behind him, there was a clatter as Ambassador Spradley collapsed. Thenthe Admirable F'Kau-Kau-Kau cried out and reached across the table toembrace the Terrestrial, and the orchestra went mad.

  Gray hands helped Retief across the table, stools were pushed aside tomake room at F'Kau-Kau-Kau's side. Retief sat, took a tall flagon ofcoal-black brandy pressed on him by his neighbor, clashed glasses withThe Admirable and drank.

  IV

  Retief turned at the touch on his shoulder.

  "The Ambassador wants to speak to you, Retief," Magnan said.

  Retief looked across to where Ambassador Spradley sat glowering behindthe plain tablecloth.

  "Under the circumstances," Retief said, "you'd better ask him to comeover here."

  "The ambassador?" Magnan's voice cracked.

  "Never mind the protocol," Retief said. "The situation is stilldelicate." Magnan went away.

  "The feast ends," F'Kau-Kau-Kau said. "Now you and I, Retief, muststraddle the Council Stool."

  "I'll be honored, Admirable," Retief said. "I must inform mycolleagues."

  "Colleagues?" F'Kau-Kau-Kau said. "It is for chiefs to parley. Who shallspeak for a king while he yet has tongue for talk?"

  "The Yill way is wise," Retief said.

  F'Kau-Kau-Kau emptied a squat tumbler of pink beer. "I will treat withyou, Retief, as viceroy, since as you say your king is old and the spacebetween worlds is far. But there shall be no scheming underlings privyto our dealings." He grinned a Yill grin. "Afterwards we shall carouse,Retief. The Council Stool is hard and the waiting handmaidensdelectable. This makes for quick agreement."

  Retief smiled. "The king is wise."

  "Of course, a being prefers wenches of his own kind," F'Kau-Kau-Kausaid. He belched. "The Ministry of Culture has imported severalTerry--excuse me, Retief--Terrestrial joy-girls, said to be top-notchspecimens. At least they have very fat watchamacallits."

  "The king is most considerate," Retief said.

  "Let us to it then, Retief. I may hazard a fling with one of yourTerries, myself. I fancy an occasional perversion." F'Kau-Kau-Kau dug anelbow into Retief's side and bellowed with laughter.

  Ambassador Spradley hurried to intercept Retief as he crossed to thedoor at F'Kau-Kau-Kau's side.

  "Retief, kindly excuse yourself, I wish a word with you." His voice wasicy. Magnan stood behind him, goggling.

  "Mr. Ambassador, forgive my apparent rudeness," Retief said. "I don'thave time to explain now----"

  "Rudeness!" Spradley ba
rked. "Don't have time, eh? Let me tell you----"

  "Lower your voice, Mr. Ambassador," Retief said.

  Spradley quivered, mouth open, speechless.

  "If you'll sit down and wait quietly," Retief said, "I think----"

  "_You_ think!" Spradley spluttered.

  * * * * *

  "Silence!" Retief said. Spradley looked up at Retief's face. He staredfor a moment into Retief's gray eyes, closed his mouth and swallowed.

  "The Yill seem to have gotten the impression I'm in charge," Retiefsaid, "We'll have to keep it up."

  "But--but--" Spradley stuttered. Then he straightened. "That is the laststraw," he whispered hoarsely. "_I_ am the Terrestrial AmbassadorExtraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary. Magnan has told me thatwe've been studiedly insulted, repeatedly, since the moment of ourarrival. Kept waiting in baggage rooms, transported in refuse lorries,herded about with servants, offered swill at table. Now I and my seniorstaff, are left cooling our heels, without so much as an audience whilethis--this multiple Kau person hobnobs with--with--"

  Spradley's voice broke. "I may have been a trifle hasty, Retief, inattempting to restrain you. Blaspheming the native gods and dumping thebanquet table are rather extreme measures, but your resentment wasperhaps