MInE: A Hate Story

by Andie M. Long

  Then he locks the door.

  I spend what must be a couple of hours on the cold garage floor with my legs curled up and my arms clutched around me, while I weep and wonder what the fuck is happening in my life.

  Eventually, the garage door opens. As the light floods my eyes, I wince. Dave helps me up.

  ‘If anyone asks. You’re pissed, and I’m helping you home. Say a word, and you’ll be in hospital next time.’

  I turn to him. ‘I won’t say anything. I understand why you did it. I’d probably have done the same.’ I gulp as a wave of pain hits. ‘I know I’m pathetic, but I loved him so much.’

  ‘Loved?’ Dave queries.

  I fall silent, and neither of us says another word. I open my front door, and once I close it behind me, I hear Dave’s footsteps retreat.

  I run a warm bath to try and soothe my aching bones. Livid bruises appear on my body. When my body hits the warm water, pain surges and again I’m brought to tears.

  Once I’m out I lie on my bed, thoughts of food long forgotten. I reach for my phone to call Selma. To ask her to come over and help me.

  There’s no answer. Her phone goes to voicemail. I leave a message asking her to ring me, my voice desperate.

  Then I sit back, realising that once again I’m a coward who’s asking other people to protect her. It’s true. Why do I believe that because I identify as a woman, I’m weak? That that’s how I should act. Weak, defenceless and pathetic. Mel never acted that way. She always fought for what she wanted. Except for me, and that’s no surprise after what I did to her. God if I could see her again, I’d fall to her feet and beg her forgiveness. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused her when all she ever did was love me. I am a selfish, introspected wimp.

  Somehow I fall asleep. No doubt through the shock. When I wake, I get up gingerly and decide that this is the day I take no more shit.

  I’m going to work to see Ed. He has some explaining to do.

  ‘He’s off sick? That’s his excuse, is it? Where’s Jack? Can I speak to Jack please?’ The receptionist walks away from me. I catch her eye roll in the direction of her colleague. So what if I'm dramatic? I need answers.

  Jack strolls through to the reception. ‘Inez? My goodness, it’s great to finally meet you. How is Ed?’ Jack asks. ‘Not like him to be off sick. Must be serious. Anyway, come through to my office. Would you like a drink?’

  My gaze darts around the reception. ‘Where’s Sam? Is she in? I want to speak to her.’

  ‘Sam?’ Jack’s forehead creases. ‘Sam Briers?’

  ‘I can’t remember her surname. The woman Ed’s been fucking. His secretary?’

  Jack gasps. ‘Ed’s been fucking Sam? Well, I never guessed that.’ He looks at me. ‘Inez, I’m shocked. He only ever spoke of you. He adored you. So it carried on since she left?’

  ‘Um.’ I rub my eyebrow. ‘What do you mean left? She’s still here. She’s been ringing me from the office.’

  Jack shakes his head. ‘She can’t have been. Sam left a couple of weeks ago.’

  ‘You’re wrong. She called from here. Told me Ed wasn’t at a conference. That he was staying with her.’

  Jack sighs. ‘Just a minute.’ He speaks to the receptionist while I stand with my arms around myself. When he returns his tone changes to that of someone trying to communicate with an infant. ‘Inez. Ed’s been off sick, and our computer notes say you’ve been phoning in for him.’ He tilts his head and stares at me. ‘Are you feeling okay?’

  ‘She’s left, and he’s not here. He’s off sick?’ I run my hands through my hair, then regret it as my scalp is painful. My painkillers are wearing off, and I can feel a sheen of sweat on my forehead. ‘D-do you have a forwarding number for Sam? I need to speak to her.’

  ‘I have her mobile number, but I can’t give it to you. Confidentiality. How about you sit a moment in the waiting area and I’ll go call her, see if she’ll speak to you?’

  I nod. ‘Thank you.’

  When he returns, his face is a mask of concern. ‘I spoke to Sam, and she’s not seen Ed since she stopped working here. She did, however, say that he had confided in her that he was planning on leaving you.’ He places a hand on mine. ‘I’m sorry, Inez.’

  I pull my hand away. Ed’s not with Sam? So where the fuck is he, and who’s been calling me? I feel myself sweating even more. The pain is becoming intolerable. I feel sick. My thoughts run fast. Has anyone been calling me? Have I gone insane? Have I imagined it all?

  I get up from my seat and head toward the door.

  ‘Inez. I’m worried about you. Can I phone anyone to come and get you?’

  I stop. Nodding vigorously. ‘Yes. Yes please,’ I say. ‘Here.’ I hand him my mobile phone. ‘Can you call my friend Selma and see if she’ll collect me? I’m not feeling so well.’

  ‘Of course.’

  Jack phones and speaks to my friend. He gives her directions.

  ‘She asks if you feel well enough to wait for her downstairs, so she doesn’t have to negotiate a parking space.’

  ‘Yes, that’s fine,’ I tell him.

  ‘I can wait with you if you like?’

  I wave him off. ‘No, I’m fine. Thank you for the drink. I’m sorry to bring my marriage woes to your door. If Edward calls, will you ask him where he’s really staying as it’s not with me. I’m going to head for some fresh air now.’

  Jack nods. ‘Take care of yourself, Inez. At least I realise why Ed’s been off so long. Marriage problems are the worst.’

  When I reach the foyer of the building, I lean against the stone pillar and breathe in fresh air. When Selma pulls up in her car, I open the door and more or less collapse inside.

  ‘Please take me home,’ I ask her. ‘I need my bed and some painkillers.’

  ‘What on earth’s happened?’

  I begin with the events of the previous evening up until the present time. She stays silent but attentive, both to myself and the road ahead. She takes my keys, lets me into the house and helps me upstairs. She runs me another warm bath, and then I climb below my sheets and sleep to block the world out.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Selma

  Despite my searching on the internet for a Charles Devon I find no information. After a couple of hours, I give up, deciding it’s a pile of rubbish Ed’s made up to have me running around at his bidding. I had a fantastic upbringing, and my parents were very much in love. Staring at my body, I realise it’s been a while since I hit the gym. I decide to go and work out and get rid of some of the tension. It works a treat, and I return to the apartment with a satisfying ache.

  Answering two different mobile phones in my apartment amuses me no end. Jack had no idea he was talking to the same woman twice. Of course, I couldn’t go to the office to fetch her as he could have recognised me. Inez was so confused. She was clutching her head in the car and wondering if she was going insane, then clutching her abdomen because Dave had pasted the shit out of her.

  Dave.

  My Dave.

  I’ve kept away from him. Kept quiet while I’ve gone about my business. Inez spoke about Sam and Selma. Has he guessed I’m back? That I’m involved?

  After Inez had her bath, I passed her two painkillers, except they weren’t. They were sleeping tablets. I now have several hours at my disposal. Several hours to spend in Ed’s office. I switch on his computer and wait for it to load. Luckily for me, his password for the home computer is the same as it was for work. Once it’s loaded, I open his email account and type an email to Bailey’s from Ed. Stating that due to personal issues he’s handing in his resignation, effective immediately. I use his credit card details to order some cheap, nasty clothes, so he has something to wear later in the week. Then I write to Inez. As Ed’s email account is web-based, she’ll not be suspicious.

  Inez,

  I realise I made a mistake. I genuinely believed I was in love with you and we did share some happy years together. But I’ve realised I needed a proper woman.
There have been several over the years. I’m not proud of having cheated. I’m sorry. They meant nothing. It was just sex. However, Sam is different. I love her. So, I won’t be coming back. I’ll come over sometime tomorrow for the rest of my belongings. I’ve handed in my notice at work, and I’m going to start afresh somewhere with Sam.

  I wish you every happiness and hope you can find the same sort of love I have. You’ll realise then that what we had together wasn’t it.

  That should do it.

  At three am, my drunken couple turn up and daub the house with paint. I let them finish before I call the police on them. Stupid fuckers. They try and tell the policeman I paid them to do it. Unfortunately, I’m sober and educated, and they’re drunk and stupid, so they’re bundled into the back of a police car. A very groggy Inez lies confused on the bed while I deal with everything. I tell her it’s okay. I’ll get someone to remove the words tomorrow. Not to worry about it. She nods and dozes. I tell her it’s time for some more painkillers and this time I do give her painkillers. Very strong ones. Then a short time later I wake her up and do it again, and again. She’s so groggy she’s no idea how many she’s taking, I give her sleeping pills and pain meds.

  At nine am, I leave the pill bottles at her side and phone an ambulance, telling them my friend has had a very traumatic night and I’ve found her overdosed. They arrive, place her in the ambulance and head off at speed. I tell them I’ll follow in my car.

  Except I won’t. Because Selma is not traceable and is no longer needed.

  I stand outside the house and look up at the red daubed paint.

  Pervert.

  Ladyboy.

  Sicko.

  If she doesn’t remember it from early this morning, it should make a nice welcome home present.

  I turn towards my car and spot him standing at the edge of the path. He beckons me over.

  I walk towards my husband.

  He appraises me. Of course, I am nothing like my previous self. He has no idea it’s me.

  ‘How on earth can you look so different?’ he asks.

  My eyes widen. ‘How can you know?’ I ask him in my own voice.

  ‘You walked towards me with your usual gait. Plus, I’ve been waiting. I knew you’d do something spectacular, but this? My God. When you stopped contact I knew it was time.’

  ‘So what do you think of the new look?’ I ask him and twirl. ‘Although this is just one of my many disguises and I’m kind of done with it. I need to get my hair done. I fancy going back to dark.’

  Dave smiles. ‘It’s what’s within I fell in love with. Though the outside is hot. Fuck, I’ve missed you. So damn much.’

  ‘What surprised me the most, Dave, is how much I missed you. I didn’t think I was capable of-’ I look away for a moment. ‘Well, you know.’ We stand and stare at each other. ‘I’m almost finished. Just a couple more things I need to do and then I’m back. If I can I come back?’ My voice trails off.

  ‘The door’s open, Mel. When you’re ready, come home. Please be ready soon.’

  I nod. I don’t lean towards him, or touch him because if I do, we’re going to end up in bed and I’ll never want to leave. I turn and walk back towards my car. I have a busy day ahead.

  After a few hours’ sleep, my first call is the hairdressers, where I spend four hours having my hair turned to its original brown. Of course, I have streaks of grey now, but we all love the transformational power of a new hair colour, and I’m ready to be as near to the original Melissa as possible. My contacts are gone, and I’m back to speaking in my own voice.

  I’m back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Inez

  I wake up in a hospital bed. A scream tears from my throat and then the pain comes as I realise my throat is sore. A nurse runs in.

  ‘It’s okay, love.’

  ‘Why am I here? What time is it?’

  She puffs up my pillow, giving me a weak smile. ‘Sit back and try to relax. The doctor won’t be long. He’s doing the ward round and will get here soon. He’ll explain what happened. Now, here’s some water, take a few sips for me. It’ll ease that throat.’

  I do what she says. I feel like hell on earth. What happened to me? As I move I wince and remember my bruising. Then I recall I went to the accountants where I felt confused, then back to mine with Selma. I had a bath, but my memories are vague after that. Did the police come around? I peer up at the nurse, ‘I don’t remember.’

  She pats my arm. ‘It’s just after ten. They’ll be round with the tea trolley soon. A nice warm, soothing tea will do you good. Try not to worry. You’re in hospital being looked after, and you’re fine. Now, I need to do your blood pressure, okay?’

  The nurse checks me over, records details on a chart and tells me someone will be in shortly. I lie back on the bed. Out of seemingly nowhere, a feeling of terror rises and rushes over my body. It’s a hot electrical shock type feeling. My skin sweats. I feel clammy, sick and faint. My heart beats so hard I think I’m going to have a heart attack. I tremble. My breath comes in sharp, fast pants. I struggle in my sheets, trying to get out of bed - gasping for air.

  The nurse rushes back in. ‘You’re hyperventilating. Inez. Breathe. Follow me. Steady. Deep breaths. You’re in hospital. You’re safe. Come on, breathe slowly. In and out.’

  She brings me back to a calmer level of panic, but it’s still there, simmering. Waiting to spill over. What the hell happened? Why am I here? I need Selma. Selma will tell me everything I need to know.

  ‘Excuse me?’ I ask the nurse once I’m able to speak.

  ‘Yes, love?’

  ‘I need to contact my friend. Is there a phone I can use?’

  ‘If you give me the number I’ll ring them for you, love. I don’t think you’re well enough yet. We can get you set up with the hospital phone system or get someone to bring your things from home. There wasn’t any answer from your next of kin.’

  ‘No. He’s left me,’ I say. My voice quiet.

  ‘Oh.’

  She gives me an understanding look as if she’s privy to something I’m not. My teeth gnash together. I’m starting to get pissed off with not knowing what’s going on.

  ‘I’ll be back in a moment.’

  A few seconds after she’s gone a doctor walks in. ‘Good morning, Inez. I’m Dr Walton. Do you know why you’re here?’

  ‘No,’ I spit out, frustrated. ‘So, if you could tell me, that would help.’

  ‘We received a call to say you’d taken an overdose.’

  ‘A what?’ I pull at my hair. ‘That’s ridiculous. I didn’t take an overdose.’

  The doctor sighs. ‘I’m afraid you did. We had to perform a gastric lavage. You’d consumed sleeping pills and painkillers.’

  I try and think back. ‘My friend gave me a couple of painkillers, but that’s all.’

  ‘Your friend told us she’d left the painkillers on the side. She thought you were sleeping but then discovered you were unconscious. There were pills on the bed around you. That’s when she phoned the ambulance.’

  I sit back. Had I done it and didn’t remember?

  ‘What’s a gastric lavage?’

  ‘Sorry, medical term. It’s a stomach pump. We cleared your body of the drugs. You’re going to feel tender for a few days. Now, when we admitted you, we noticed you had bruising to your abdomen. How did that occur?’

  ‘It’s nothing. An accident.’

  The doctor sighs. ‘If you think of anything you need to tell us, Inez, please buzz. Now, because you took an overdose, the on-call psychiatrist will be visiting you this afternoon.’

  I narrow my eyes. ‘You think I’m mad?’

  ‘We think you need some support. Something has obviously occurred to make you self-harm, and we need to look into that.’

  I rub my eye. ‘I’m tired. Can I go back to sleep?’

  ‘Of course. Ring the buzzer if you need anything.’

  Dr Walton leaves, and I close my eyes. I took tablets? Had my
stomach pumped? I need Selma. She’ll help me and explain what’s going on.

  None of this would have happened if Ed hadn’t fucking pissed off. Where is he anyway? With this Sam, I guess. They must have been carrying on for months. I bet she’s laughing about the fact she convinced me she was still working with him. He’s probably taken her away on holiday. I bet he’s not ashamed of her. Frustration boils over. I bet that’s why he controlled me. Not because he loved me and wanted me to himself but because he was ashamed of me and embarrassed. Didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t a real woman. God, I’ve been stupid.

  The nurse from this morning walks back in.

  ‘Have you spoken to Selma? Is she coming in? I need to see her. She’ll be able to give me some answers about what on earth went off last night.’ I waffle on.

  The nurse swallows.

  I still.

  ‘I rang the number you gave me, Inez,’ she says carefully. ‘But it doesn’t belong to anyone called Selma.’

  I huff. ‘Then you must have written it down wrong. Can I see the number you called, please? I call her on it all the time.’

  ‘It’s okay. She explained it all. She’s on her way, Inez, and says she’ll help you as much as she can. She’s been really helpful and told us what stress you’ve been going through lately.’

  ‘Who are you talking about?’

  The nurse sighs.

  ‘I’m going to go and get the doctor back, Inez, for when Mrs Tebbs comes in.’

  Mrs Tebbs? I can’t have heard right. That’s Dave’s surname. Mel’s surname.

  I swallow. ‘Who?’

  ‘Melissa Tebbs. Your ex-wife. She explained that you’ve been suffering with your mental health for a while now. She says she’s sorry that she didn’t get you help earlier.’