Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

  Antonio Valentino was eight years older than me. I had always known who he was. Everyone did. He was Carmine Valentino’s nephew. My brother Augustus worked for Carmine. It wasn't an up and up lifestyle. I knew this. My father grew up with Carmine and although I believe that my dad didn't have much to do with Carmine’s business, Carmine sure stepped in to show my brother the ropes. These ropes were dangerous and held the threat of a prison sentence if anyone ever found out exactly what he did.

  The first time I met Antonio, I was sixteen years old. I was at a get together at Nicole Campanelli’s house. We smoked a bunch of weed and were stoned off our asses when Nicole’s parents came home and busted us. They made us call our parents. I didn’t want to call my mom; she had just worked a double shift. It was hard on her, and retirement couldn’t come quick enough as far as I was concerned. So being the smart teenager I was, I threw out my brother’s name and asked if I could call him instead. Nicole’s dad knew Gus and immediately agreed. I think he wanted to get on Gus’s good side.

  Gus stormed into Nicole’s house, wearing a black suit. His six foot one height was taller than a lot of the Italian men in the neighborhood. When he walked in, I didn’t get a warm welcome. No, I got a point with his finger, “You, outside with Antonio. Now!” I knew I was in deep shit and didn't question him.

  Weed wasn’t really my thing. I felt fuzzy and didn’t like my lack of control that it gave me. When I walked outside I vowed never to smoke again, because as soon as I saw Antonio I knew my wits were exactly what I needed and I hated not having total control.

  Antonio intimidated me by his presence alone. Watching him lean against the large black SUV and then how he opened the door for me to get in gave me the heebie-jeebies. I slid onto the leather seats and the door closed me in. To my surprise, Antonio walked around the SUV and opened the back door, sliding in beside me.

  “How old are you, Jenny?”

  “Sixteen,” I answered nervously.

  “You’re turning into a woman. Just look how you’ve filled out. You been with a man, yet?”

  I didn't want to answer him. It wasn't something I was comfortable talking about. Certainly not with a man who was as old as my brother. Antonio was good looking. I heard the women in the shop I washed hair at go on about him, but something about his presence just put me on edge. So I didn’t answer. I stared ahead, hoping my brother would make it out soon and I wouldn't have to deal with Antonio.

  I was wearing a tank top, shorts that were much too short and a pair of wedge sandals. We all dressed like we were older, but right then I wished I had on more. Antonio’s fingertips grazed up my thigh, giving me goosebumps, and not the good kind. I shot daggers at him with my eyes.

  “You got fire. I like that.” His graze, although gentle felt like a snake slithering over my skin. “You ever let a man touch you? Get deep inside of you? Spread your thighs and fuck you? Answer me, Passerotta.”

  I thought of myself as a girl who wouldn't take crap from anyone, but Antonio frightened me, and so I answered him, “Yes, I’ve been with a boy.”

  “A boy, huh? What’s this boy’s name?”

  “B..B..Billy from school,” I stuttered out.

  “So, you’ve never been with a man then, just a boy.” The way he said it held promise, and it disgusted me. “Answer me.”

  “Just Billy, but he’s my boyfriend and I’m going to marry him one day,” I said defending myself.

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes, he’s a senior and after he graduates he’s joining the Air Force. I’m going to marry him and travel the world with him.” It may have been my young innocent dream of first love, but I believed it. I thought Billy was it for me.

  Antonio laughed at me, “Oh, so innocent. I like that, but you’re mistaken.”

  I shouldn’t have dared to ask, but I did. “How so?”

  “I see something I want, and I’m a man who always gets what I want.”

  “I’ll never be with you,” I hissed and tried to act tough; as tough as a stoned sixteen year old girl could come off.

  “You will. Not yet. Maybe not for a while, but know that I’ve got my eyes on you and one day you won't have much choice.” It was like he got off on making me squirm.

  “I’ll tell my brothers,” I threatened.

  He liked my fight even more and a sinister smirk appeared on his lips, “Please do. I love it when I’m challenged. It will make me justified in ending them.”

  Who was this monster sitting next to me? Could these be idle threats? Something about him told me no. My stomach lurched and I was going to be sick. I threw open the door and heaved out the contents of my stomach.

  He pulled my hair free of my face so that I wouldn’t get it nasty as I hung out the door. “That’s right. Accept it,” he whispered in my ear which only made me vomit again.

  “Christ, she’s puking,” I heard Gus say.

  “Yeah man, she’s stoned off her ass.”

  I finished heaving and sat up. Antonio sat beside me and pulled the door closed. Gus slid onto the leather driver seat, reached into the center console and handed me a napkin.

  “Thanks for taking care of her,” Gus said to Antonio. I put my head against the cold glass window and scooted as far away from Antonio as I could.

  “Anytime. You got a lot going on with your family. You ever need help with her, I got you.” Antonio said to Gus.

  “Thanks, man. It’s been hard being a single dad and then having to deal with this shit.” I felt so guilty hearing my brother’s words. Ever since Gino’s mom left, my brother has taken on so much. I’ve never heard him complain, so I didn't think about the extra burden I was putting on him. “I’m sorry Gus.”

  “Yeah, you should be. Ma shouldn’t have to deal with this crap. You’re sixteen. You need to stop this, Jenny. I shouldn’t be getting calls. Antonio and I needed to be somewhere for Carmine. He’s going to be pissed.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t cuss,” he scolded and then continued, “I talked to Nicole’s dad and he won't say anything to Ma, but weed, Jenny? That shit is seriously for losers.”

  Gus’s lecture continued the rest of the drive. He was unaware of the threat that sat beside me, and I was too unsure of Antonio’s power to say anything to Gus.

  Monday morning came and I was digging at the bottom of my locker for my biology book when I saw Billy’s shoes peek under my locker. I was excited. I hadn’t heard from him the rest of the weekend and that wasn't like him.

  “Billy!” I shouted and stood up ready to hug him.

  “Jenny,” he voice sounded strangled; nothing like the usual upbeat Billy that I was used to.

  I gasped at the sight of him, “Oh, my gosh! What happened to you?” Billy’s eye was black and his arm was in a cast.

  “We gotta talk,” he said.

  I slammed my locker shut, slung my purple Jansport backpack over my shoulder and went to grab Billy’s good hand. He flinched and pulled away from me and I knew that something was seriously wrong. I followed him to the stairwell by the gymnasium. It was hardly ever used and was a spot we had learned to sneak off to for a quick make-out session. I knew we were headed there for that.

  “Billy, what happened?” I asked again as soon as we were alone. The bell rang in the distance letting me know I’d be late for class, but I didn't care.

  His eyes, that were a beautiful shade of blue, held a look I had never quite seen before: fear. He pressed his forehead against mine and gave me a gentle kiss. His lips were soft and had only ever shown me kind, sweet kisses. This kiss held a melancholy flavor to it. I didn't know what to make of it. He ended the kiss just as quickly and pulled away from me.

  “You,” he said.

  I was confused. I had no idea what he meant, “Huh?” I asked.

  “You happened to me.” I still wasn't following him.

  “Look, Jenny. You know I love you, right?”

  “Yeah Billy, I love you too,” I reached out to
place my hand on his chest and he took a step back. I didn't understand what was happening.

  “I really don’t want to do this, but we’re over Jenny,” he looked even more pained as the words left his lips.

  Over.

  “What are you talking about? Over? I don’t understand. You’re hurt, something happened to you. What’s going on?” I needed him to spell this out for me.

  “It means you're what happened to me. If I want to have a future and not let this happen to me again, then I need to stay away from you. I’m sorry. I love you, but you know how my dad is. Joining the Air Force is the only way I’ll get away from him. I can't stay with you.”

  Then it hit me, “Did Antonio do this to you?”

  “I can’t say.”

  ‘Please don't do this, Billy. Please! I love you!” Tears began falling down my face and I could see how pained Billy looked too. I couldn't blame him. I wished he would’ve said not to worry and that we’d figure it out, but how could I ask him to give up his future?

  “I’m sorry. I wish I was stronger.”

  “No, Billy,” I pleaded.

  “There’s more. I have a message. He said you can have fun, but you better not get serious. He’s a sadistic fuck. I’m sorry, but look at me. The doctors said I was lucky where my break is that I should heal before graduation. I need arms if I’m going to fly planes. I can’t do it, Babe.”

  Billy turned and walked out of the stairwell. I was left in shambles. I collapsed on the stairs in a sobbing mess. How could Antonio do that to him? To me? Why did he have his eyes set on me? He was a man and I was a girl. I was afraid. I felt lost and alone. Antonio destroyed my happiness. I couldn't let him destroy Billy’s too. I knew deep in my heart that if I begged Billy to fight that he would have, but how could I do that to him? He had a future. I vowed on the stairs that as long as Antonio had his sights on me that I wouldn't put another man in harm’s way.

  Billy started dating Sara Smelter a few months later, and a few years after that I heard they were expecting their first child. It stung, but I was glad he had his chance at happiness. I wanted that for him.

  I had fun like Antonio said I could, but whenever things seemed like they were getting serious he would somehow make his presence known, and I would know that my time with whatever boyfriend was up.

  Antonio and Gus moved up in Carmine’s organization and it made me even more nervous. Time moved on and Antonio and Gus seemed too busy to pay me much mind. So I made a huge mistake. I let feelings get involved.

  I met Johnny when I was twenty-two. Johnny was a musician. He would come over late at night after his shows, guitar in hand, and sing to me the most beautiful lyrics. Afterward, he would make love to me and tell me how much he cherished me. I didn't want to have to push him away. I was falling for him. I hoped since we saw each other mostly after hours that Antonio wouldn't notice.

  One night, Johnny showed up, his hair was tousled in that wild musician sort of way. As soon as I opened the door I felt his excitement. He picked me up and twirled me around, “Jenny! I have the best news,” he kissed me breathlessly, then set me down.

  “What is it?” I asked, enjoying his enthusiasm.

  “We got offered a gig to open for Black Ink’s tour.” Black Ink was a band that was on the rise and this was huge for Johnny.

  “That’s amazing!” I kissed him again. I was so happy for him.

  Our lips broke apart, “That’s not all of it. We’re going to have a tour bus. I talked with the guys already, and they’re cool if you come. I want you there with me. What do you say? Come on tour with me?” He flashed me his dimples and I had to decide. I was no longer the girl Antonio once scared and intimidated. I was a woman now and I was not going to let him push me around any longer. Besides, he’d been eerily absent lately. Perhaps he was over his fixation on me.

  “Yes! Yes! I’ll go with you.”

  Johnny did an excited fist pump and kissed me again. We would leave and follow his dreams. I would leave Antonio behind and he couldn't hurt us.

  “When do we leave?” I asked.

  “A week from tomorrow. I know it’s not much notice.”

  “What about my place and my things?”

  “Let’s keep paying rent for now, that way we have a place to come back to; at least until we make it big.”

  “You will make it big. As soon as the world hears your voice, you’re going to be huge.”

  “And you’ll be right there with me,” he laid me down right there on my couch and made love to me, whispering words about a future together. I was caught up in his bliss and I should’ve known better.

  The following day was Sunday dinner at my mom’s house. Once we were all seated around the table, I broke the news to them. My mom told me to follow my heart and if that’s what I needed to do, she would love and support me. My brothers were protective and told me that if he hurt me, he would pay. I assured them it wasn't like that. Even Gus seemed okay with me leaving. I would miss Gino the most. That was going to be a hard goodbye. I loved that guy and he was growing up so quick. I promised Gino I would send presents and come home to visit and he seemed okay with that.

  Johnny had a lot to do to prepare to leave. His band had to load all of their equipment so we decided that I would meet him at the tour bus. My brother Vito would come pick up my car and store it for me. I pulled into the lot and knew something was very wrong when the tour bus was nowhere in sight. I parked, got out of my car and walked around the back of the building thinking maybe I got the time wrong.

  Standing there, leaning against his black SUV was Antonio and no tour bus.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, but that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I already knew.

  He shook his head at me as if in disgust. “I told you nothing serious.”

  “Where’s Johnny?” I was bolder than usual and I could only attribute it to his distance as of late.

  “Gone.”

  “What do you mean, gone?”

  “Why do you think he got his gig? I wanted him gone, so I set it up. I didn't think you would think you could go with him.”

  “Johnny wouldn't just leave me. You’re wrong. You’re a liar.” I wanted to hit him, but the thing with snakes is if you get too close, they will strike.

  “No, Jenny. Afraid you aren't as important as you thought? As soon as I told him that he would lose his shot if you went with him, he caved. You keep going for these weak men. When will you learn that you’re meant to be mine?

  “I’ll never be yours.”

  “Oh, you will and you will come to me.”

  “Over my dead body,” I said.

  He stepped close, invading my space and I knew I’d pushed him too far, “We can arrange that, but it might take all the fun out of it.”

  Frightened, I turned to run to my car. I was afraid to stand off with him, but Antonio was quick. He grabbed me firmly by the back of my hair. It pulled, yanked and halted me in place.

  “I’m not done talking to you. Next one dies! Do you understand?” He made me nod my head even though it pulled as I moved it. Tears ran down my cheeks.

  He let me go and drove away. Again, I was left in total despair. I couldn't love, he would take that from me. I fell to my knees on the asphalt parking lot and cried. I spotted my reflection in my car window. I looked helpless and that’s not who I was.

  I lost enough already. I made a decision. I was going to tell Gus.

  I sent him a text, I need to see you. Just you. When can we meet?

  He responded: You didn't leave?

  No, I’ll fill you in. Where are you?

  About to drop off Gino.

  Stay there, I’ll meet you in the parking lot.

  Augustus could be a hard-ass, but he loved me. I knew I couldn't do this alone anymore and I should’ve said something sooner. These were my brothers. They would protect me.

  As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted Gus. I hopped out of my car and
straight into his. I was nervous, afraid that Antonio followed me, and I began looking over my shoulder.

  “What is it, Jenny? What happened? Did Johnny do something? I swear to God…”

  I cut him off mid-sentence, I couldn't have him thinking it was Johnny. “No, not Johnny. Antonio.”

  “Antonio? What the fuck?”

  I was rattled, but I needed to get it out, “Do you remember years ago when you picked me up from Nicole’s house high off my ass?” He nodded. “Well, that was the first night Antonio told me he wanted me.” I told Gus the whole story and did my best to keep myself from falling apart. I wasn't going to let that psycho take any more from me.

  “We’re going to go in the school and sign Gino out. Then, you’re going to grab Ma and visit Aunt Marcella. Okay? Don't worry about a thing. I should’ve protected you better. I knew he was twisted, I just never would’ve thought he’d set his eyes on you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ll make everything right. Just go get them and get out of town.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “What needs to be done.”

  We signed Gino out. Then, Gus called Mom and told her she needed to leave for a few days with me. She didn't question why; it was just the way it was. She trusted that if Gus said we needed to get out of town, we did.

  I kissed Gus goodbye and told him I loved him. Two days later, we got a call that his brakes failed and Gus was gone. The rest of my family thought it was an accident, so I knew that he didn’t tell my brothers what had happened. Otherwise, they would’ve had their own suspicions. I had mine, and I thought it was because of me Gus was dead. Antonio later confirmed that I was right.

  Fear crippled me as I thought about Antonio and all of the ways that he has hurt me. I sat down on a makeshift bench, which was more like a plank of wood propped between rocks. There was a light fog over the lake, creating an eerie luminescent vibe. I could feel the heat from the morning sun on my skin, but the cool air from the night still lingered. It was as if night and day were battling it out trying to decide which would win. The sun would win, and the fog would lift, but could anything be lost in the cloudy air as it coated everything below? Could I be lost in the fog? Antonio was night, a blanket of darkness that could make me disappear. Jules, the sun, but you can't sit in the sun too long without getting burned.