Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

  I couldn't help it, I was falling apart. I began to beat on Antonio’s chest with my fist. “Damn you! How could you? Why me? Why dammit! Why?” I sobbed and hit him. He didn’t let it go on for long, though. He released my arms, raised his hand and slapped me across my cheek. It wasn’t his full force. I was sure of that, but it stung and shocked the hell out of me.

  “Pull yourself together. You knew the risk. I warned you what would happen, but you did it anyway. Your little boy toy on wheels is going to pay. You think I give a shit that he's a Devil’s Crusader?”

  Antonio yanked me towards his black SUV, “Get in.” He threw the passenger door open, waited for me to climb in and then briskly walked around and got into the driver seat.

  My face stung, my heart hurt, and all I could think was how I didn't mean to hurt Jules, but that is exactly what I did. I thought I could hide us from Antonio, and that perhaps I could have a little happiness. I was wrong. I feared my mistakes were going to cost Jules his life. “Please don't hurt him. I'll do anything,” I said to Antonio as he started the SUV.

  “Blood will shed. If you learn one thing about me, learn that I'm a man of my word, and you, Bellissima, would be wise to learn this lesson fast.”

  My blood ran cold. I didn't know where Antonio was taking me, but I wasn't concerned with myself. I was breaking inside. When Jules drove away, he took a part of me with him. I had to stop thinking of myself and do whatever it was that Antonio wanted. I was done trying to be happy, it was only destroying people. If there was a way that I could save Jules and everyone else that I loved I would do it.

  “I'm sorry. I'll do anything, Antonio.”

  He looked contemplative. He even rubbed his chin as if he was seriously thinking about what I said, however I think he always knew what he was going to do.

  “As a wedding present, I'll do this one thing for you.” Wedding present? Oh Fuck!

  “He'll hurt, but I'll let him live.”

  “What? No! You can't hurt him! I'll do anything.”

  Antonio smiled as if he was enjoying the pain that I was going through. “Enough! I will do what I want. You are not in a place to bargain. Did you forget what I said would happen to Carlo and that boy, Gino?” I shook my head, hating where this was going, “Yet you fucked around anyways. Such the whore, Jenny. You're willing to put their lives at stake just for a fuck. You disgust me. You have no clue what loyalty is. You will learn. You will marry me and you will be nothing but loyal. Loyal like the bitch you are.”

  “I hate you,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye.

  “And I you,” he said coldly.

  “Then why?”

  “That’s not your concern. The only thing you should know is that tonight you will stay at my place where I can keep an eye on you and make sure no one sees your face. When I tell you, we will announce our engagement.”

  “My family will know that I don't love you. They'll be able to read me. I'm a shitty liar,” I tell him.

  “Then, I suggest you work on your poker face.”

  I didn’t say anything back to him. What could I say? I didn’t believe that I was in any position to argue. He made it clear. I was going to marry him and he would spare Jules his life. There were too many lives at stake for me to put my love life first. I wanted to, but I loved my family.

  We pulled onto a familiar street in Little Italy. Because of the mountainous Pennsylvanian landscape, many of the homes were built to accommodate the land. We pulled up to Antonio’s house and he clicked his garage opener. His garage was actually what would be the first level of his home and then once inside the garage you took a set of stairs to get into the home, which sat on top of the garage.

  I followed him and found myself standing inside a beautiful, but drab modern kitchen. Everything was new and stainless steel, even his countertops which screamed industrial. I could see how a man would like this, however, to me, it lacked any character. It felt sterile and yet, exactly what I would expect from Antonio.

  “There’s the bathroom. Clean yourself up,” he said, motioning towards a closed door. “I’ll be in my den.”

  I splashed water on my face, then sat down on the closed toilet seat. How could I have let things come to this? Would everyone be better off if I was dead? They would be a lot safer. No, I knew that wasn't the answer, but I felt desperate and hopeless. I needed to shut down the Jenny who lived her life carelessly. I would do what Antonio wanted. I would marry him and be his wife. I would hate it, but I would no longer put anyone I loved in jeopardy. I would be stronger and endure what I needed to.

  I stood up and looked in the mirror one last time before exiting the bathroom. I placed my fingertips against the glass and touched my reflection where my face was still pink from his slap. “Goodbye,” I whispered to myself, and then left the woman I was for twenty-five years behind.

  ***

  The next several months, I changed. I kept my guard up mostly and stayed away from almost everyone. I went to work and came home. I didn't call Maura much. I was glad that Aubrey and Daws had really become an item, that way she wouldn't want to spend much time with me. My brothers thought something was going on with me and would often ask, but I denied, denied, denied.

  Jules never called me or came to see me again. I never called him. I didn’t want to put him in any more danger and I knew that even a phone call from me could do precisely that. I can’t say it didn't sting. Deep down in a place I could barely admit, I wished that Jules had a way out of this for me. I would lie in bed and fantasize about him finding out and killing Antonio, without any further bloodshed. One thing I knew was that if Jules did kill Antonio, there would be a war. Carmine would see to it, and my brother Carlo would become the enemy of the man I loved. It still didn't stop me from dreaming. Some nights, I would have these beautiful dreams where we made love; and other nights, I would have nightmares of him driving away from me.

  I was also a little angry, even though I had no right. Jules never said he loved me until the end when he walked away and didn't fight for me. I knew how it looked. I knew my part and what I did, but I wanted him to love me more because every moment of every day, something made me think of him. Knowing he was out there and he was alright gave me hope. Knowing I had the chance to tell him I loved him and never did crushed me.

  A lot of things crushed me. This was the worst.

  ***

  I decided to stop by my mom’s house. It was a freezing cold evening, but something in my gut said to stop. It was winter and my thick black wool coat was cinched tight across my waist. I raced to my mom’s front door from the warmth of my car as quickly as I could to avoid the cold as long as possible.

  “It’s colder than a witch’s titty out there,” I said, then noticed the puffy swollen eyes on Aubrey and the looks on my mom’s and Carlo’s faces.

  It was then that the place deep down inside told me Antonio made good on his first promise.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, very concerned.

  “Kids, why don’t you go back upstairs for a few minutes?” My mom said to Gino and Ari, who also looked crushed. Something was horribly wrong.

  Ari and Gino groaned and reluctantly made their way back up the stairs. I took off my coat and gloves, threw them on the side of the couch and took a seat. I had a feeling I would need to be seated for this.

  Over the next several minutes Aubrey, my beautiful friend with the greenest eyes I’ve ever seen, recounted a horrific tale. She was adopted by a horrible man who did unthinkable things to her. She ran away from home and met my Aunt Marcella who helped her, then she went back for Ari who was in fact her step sister and came here to hide and build a life.

  “This morning, we went to the diner and Nicole told me that someone was asking about me. I’m sure it’s him. I have to take Ari and run.” Aubrey finishes her story and I look at her with a mix of emotions. She is so strong and has been through so much. I reach out and squeeze her hand.

  “You’re not running. We’re g
oing to figure this out together,” I told her and gave her the reassurance she needed, while wiping the tears from my own eyes.

  “That’s not even the worst of it,” she says, with tears streaming down her face faster than before. “I mean, that’s horrible, but Daws and Jules are being held by some guys. On top of everything, I’m so scared for them.”

  My face paled and I looked at Carlo. “Carlo, is Jules alive?” This was what I had been fearing more than anything over the last few months.

  “I don’t know. I only know Jules was there because Dray was freaking out. I saw Daws, but barely.”

  My voice became raised, on the verge of hysteria, “You need to find out about Jules. Who has him? Get me a gun.”

  “What the hell, sis? I’m not getting you a gun.”

  “Then, I’ll get one myself,” I said, standing up and grabbing my coat.

  Carlo grabbed my coat from me, but I wouldn’t let it go. We were in a game of Tug of War. Carlo wasn’t giving in and neither was I.

  I felt Aubrey’s hand on my arm and I knew I needed to try and calm down. Her words made sense. “Mickey didn’t answer my call, but maybe you can find out some info from him. Or maybe, you can call Maura and see if she can find anything out for us. I already went to the clubhouse, and they told me they were on lock-down and wouldn’t let me in.”

  This gave me purpose. It was tangible; something I could do while I was scared out of my mind.

  “Okay, maybe you’re right,” I said, letting go of my coat, fishing my cell phone out of my purse, and calling Mickey. He didn’t answer, so I left a message. I dialed Maura next. “Hey, it’s me,” I said as soon as Maura answered.

  “Hey babe, how are you?” she asked.

  “Not so good.”

  “Why? What’s happened?”

  “I just heard Daws and Jules were grabbed,” my voice wobbled and I knew she could hear the panic.

  Maura shouts several curses and I give her a second to get her head on straight. She loves these guys.

  “Can you see what you can find out and call us back? Aubrey is really freaking out.” “Yes, of course. I’ll call you as soon as I know anything.”

  I took deep breaths and held my phone close to me. I would do anything for Jules to be okay. A few minutes later, my phone rang and I answered it before it even let out a full ring.

  “Maura, I’m putting you on speaker. My mom, Carlo and Aubrey are in the room,” I said and set my phone down on the antique coffee table in front of me.

  “Hi everyone,” Maura said, “Okay, I couldn't get a hold of my dad either, but I talked to Skaggs. Wait a minute, Dad’s calling in on the other line.” She clicked over and we all watched each other in silence. I feel pure desperation run through me. My mom’s hand rests on my shoulder and gives me strength.

  Maura clicked back over and instead of talking with us she is talking to Corbin, “Corbin!” she hollered, “we gotta go home.”

  “What’s going on?” a man’s voice responds.

  Maura finally started to talk to us, “Sorry, guys. Okay, so my dad says that they got the boys and are heading back. Someone’s hurt; he wasn’t sure who. Shit’s bad. I’m coming home.”

  “Who’s hurt, Maura?” her boyfriend Corbin asks.

  “I don't know. Listen guys, Dad was in the car. It sounded like the boys just got our guys back and they’re heading to the hospital. Go! Call me as soon as you know anything!”

  I got up from the couch and began stuffing my arms into my jacket, “Well, let’s go,” I said, scared out of my mind, but knowing I needed to get to the hospital as quickly as possible.

  “I can’t go,” Aubrey said.

  “You’re right. You can’t,” Carlo said, and I looked at the two of them like they lost their minds.

  “What do you mean you can’t go?” I asked angrily, “Your man is on his way to the hospital and he could be hurt. How are you not rushing by his side? What the fuck? I’m sorry. I love you, but this just doesn’t seem right. I don't think you’re thinking clearly.”

  “I don’t expect you to understand, but I have to make sure Ari’s safe. Daws would want that. Please call me and tell me how he is as soon as you know. But right now, I have to take care of my girl and make sure she’s okay,” she said and hollered up the stairs for Ari to come down.

  “I think it’s the wrong move, Aubrey, but you do what you gotta do. I’m going to the hospital.” I said, telling her that I don't understand.

  “It’s the right move,” Carlo said, agreeing. “If Daws knew there was a chance you’ve been found out, he would flip his shit.”

  “Where are you taking them?” I asked.

  “We’re going to see Carmine.”

  I sucked in a breath. Carmine could mean Antonio. It could mean danger for them all.

  “Are you sure?” I asked, hoping that I could change his mind, and at the same time knowing I needed to get to the hospital as quickly as possible to see Jules.

  “It’s the right thing. It’s what I gotta do,” Carlo said to me. I was angry with him for his obligations to that man. His life with Carmine had taken so much from me.

  “It’s the right thing for who?” I asked.

  Carlo gave me a glare and didn't answer my question.

  “Ari honey, time to go!” Aubrey hollered again up the stairs.

  My mom had been quiet for a while observing everything. She turned towards Aubrey, “Why don’t you leave Ari with me? I’ll call Marcus and Vito to stay with us. The boys will watch out for us and make sure nothing happens, and that way you can come up with a game plan. We can drive through the mountains and visit my cousin. Well, she’s actually my cousin’s first wife. Her name is Betsy and not a ton of people know we’re related, since we’re technically related only by marriage. It would be a good place for us to hide out.”

  “That’s actually a sound plan, Ma,” Carlo said, agreeing.

  Gino and Ari came down the stairs. Gino looked scared to death at the thought of being separated from her. He had lost so much. His mother took off early on, and then he lost Gus. I hated that he was worried he might lose Ari too.

  “Change of plans. You’re going to hang out with Angie and Gino,” Aubrey said to Ari and I could see Gino relax a bit.

  “Are….Are you sure?” Ari, my sweet young friend was so brave. I was seeing her with a whole new strength, knowing she has seen some of the ugly this world has had to offer.

  “Yes. I’m not leaving you, okay? You’re just going with them while we figure this out.” Aubrey said to her.

  “Promise?” Ari asked.

  “Pinky swear,” Aubrey said, giving the girl a reassurance.

  I kissed the kids and my mom as quickly as I could, then raced to the hospital. Carlo had said that it was some gang, but I knew deep down that Antonio had something to do with it. I was sick. My stomach rolled. I prayed to God that Jules would be okay. I felt frantic and out of control and in a rush to make sure Antonio didn’t do too much damage. I was so stupid to think that I could’ve gotten involved with Jules and that it would end well. Please God, don’t let him be hurt.

  I arrived at the hospital at the same time as the guys. I recognized a few of the guys who were carrying in Daws. The medical staff in the ER were rushing around. There was blood and a lot of it. “This way,” I heard a nurse say to the guys as she opened the back door for them.

  “I said, I’m fine. I can walk,” I heard Jules and saw him stumble to the side. It had been some time since I heard his voice. I knew better than to reach out to him, but this, I couldn't help it. Relief washed over me knowing that it wasn't him who was shot.

  “Sir, your head is bleeding. We need to have someone look at you,” a different nurse said to Jules, bringing a wheelchair over to him. I could tell he didn't want to sit in a wheelchair.

  “Sit down, mate,” Mickey said to him, “Let the doctors do their job.”

  Jules grumbled and then his eyes caught mine. I was met with an icy stare a
nd he looked away. He had every right to be mad at me; every right to hate me, but I had to be sure that Jules was okay. He was bleeding from his head.

  “Let them help you. Please, Jules?” I asked even though I had no right to ask anything of him. He sat in the wheelchair, but wouldn’t look at me or talk to me. A short, robust nurse in flowered scrubs wheeled him back through large double doors. I took a seat in the ER waiting room along with a bunch of the brothers. I didn't want to make eye contact with them, afraid that they would know what scum I was. Jules was the best man I knew and I had destroyed him.

  One of the guys, Skaggs, came out and told us all that Daws was in surgery and I took out my phone and shot Maura a text, keeping her updated. He was shot in the shoulder, but he would be fine. The air in the room lightened as everyone heard the news that Daws would be fine.

  I wasn't a Devil’s Crusader or an old lady. The brothers probably had no idea why I was there. As far as they knew, I was there waiting to give word to Maura or Aubrey. Aubrey, my sweet misguided friend, should be here, but Carlo talked her into seeing Carmine, as if the big boss man could help. I thought she was making a mistake and I was irritated with her for not coming. I couldn’t make someone do anything. I knew that. I couldn't make Jules want to see me, but I could be here for him.

  I really didn't know what I would do if anything happened to Jules, so when some of the brothers went outside for a smoke, I took that opportunity and slid in through the double doors and spied the nurse who wheeled Jules back.

  “Excuse me,” I said, tapping her on her shoulder as she was concentrating on a chart. She looked up with a slightly annoyed look that softened when she saw my concerned face. “Do you know which room Julian Federico is in? You brought him back about an hour ago. He had a head injury.”

  “Oh yes, he’s in room one-thirty-seven.”

  “Is he...Is he okay?”

  “Yes honey, he will be just fine. He’s a bit medicated right now though,” she said, giving me a half-cocked smile, then turned her eyes back to her file.