Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

I hurried down the long sterile corridor until I came to his room. I was nervous, but I had to see if he was okay for myself. Very cautiously, I opened the door to his room. He had a blood pressure cuff on his arm and had a hospital gown on. His eyes were closed. A part of me was glad he was sleeping. I stood on the side of the bed and memorized his face. This may be the only opportunity I got to stare at him like this. I know he most likely hates me, and maybe it’s easier this way, but to have this moment to look at him was a gift.

  I couldn't waste it.

  He had a large white bandage at the back of his head. His dye had grown out so his hair was two toned, a mixture of light and dark. It looked like he took a razor to the sides, but hadn’t touched the top. Oh, how I missed doing his hair. He shaved his facial hair. I’d never seen his face so smooth. I could see his lips more clearly than ever before. I longed to brush my lips against his, to have his icy blues open and stare at me with the same look they used to. I decided that since he was heavily medicated and couldn't hear me that perhaps I could say the things I never did.

  “I love you, you know? No, I guess you don't since I did a lousy job showing it. In the beginning, I tried to stay away from you. You made it so hard. Bad shit is happening though, and you, here, hurt, just reminds me why I should've stayed away. I wish I could tell you. I wish you knew. But baby…” I whimpered through my whispered words and got out the last bit, “Somewhere deep down, I hope you hear this and know that it was the realest love I’ve ever had. You gave me that, even if it’s the last time I’ll ever feel it. I’ll know you gave me and for a moment I was happy.” Tears streamed down my cheeks and I wanted to grab him and hold him in my arms, but knew I couldn’t. I had to have this. No one would know that I loved Jules.

  “Tell me Jenny, what’s really going on,” his raspy voice halted my tears. Shit, he’d heard me. His eyes squinted against the fluorescent hospital lighting.

  “Oh, you’re awake. Are you okay?” I tried to play it off like he didn't hear me, but was met with a low growl from him and then another. “Tell me.”

  A knock sounded at the door, followed by Mickey who briefly looked at me, like what the hell are you doing here. “Got an update on Daws,” Mickey said and was met with a chin lift from Jules. “He’ll be fine, they removed the bullet. He’s in post-op now.”

  “Thanks, Mick,” Jules said.

  “No problem. Everything alright here?” Mickey asked, seeing the obvious distress on my face.

  “It’s fine, Mickey. Find out when they’ll release me, would ya?”

  Mickey gave a chin lift to Jules and left. As soon as the door clicked shut, I heard Jules repeat his earlier demand. “Tell me.”

  God, how I wished I could.

  “I can’t,” I said softly, afraid to meet his gaze.

  “You make no sense to me, Jenny, and I’m too exhausted to deal, so why don't you go.”

  “Jules, please.”

  “Please, what?”

  “Don’t push me away. I was scared out of my mind. I just need to be around you. I need to know you’re okay.”

  “Why? Because you love me? Jenny, I waited for you to be ready. I gave you me and you threw it away. Seeing someone else? Really? I don't even know who you are. I thought you were different from those chicks at the club who spread their legs, but you know what? At least they’re honest about it.”

  His words stung like a slap in the face.

  “Be mad at me. Hurt me. You will never understand the pain I am in. You’ll never know how I hurt. Yes, I love you, but it’s not enough. You’re hurt, because of me and I’m going to make sure you’re all right. So be angry. I deserve it. I know I do. Just please don't ask me to leave, not yet. I know you don't understand. Just know that I’m sorry and I tried to keep you safe, and I swear to God, I will never let it happen again.” A few tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. I’m in pain, but I owe him an apology. I owe him honesty, and me saying this is about as honest as I can be without putting him in any more danger.

  “What the hell are you talking about? Tell me!” He all but yelled.

  “I can’t!” I yelled back.

  Jules glared at me. I sat in the chair across from him and looked away.

  “Jenny,” he said, with a warning to his voice. He was pissed, but it didn't matter.

  The nurse came in, followed by a doctor and before I knew it, they were telling him he was okay, except for a minor concussion and some broken ribs.

  “Do you have someone to keep an eye on you tonight?” the doctor asked him. Before Jules could answer I answered for him, “I’ll make sure he is okay.”

  “Thank you. I’ll be back in a little bit to check on you, but you should be discharged shortly,” the doctor said and left the room.

  “Where’s Daws?” I hear Maura yell a little too loudly in the hallway. I figured I would see her soon, but I still wasn't ready to leave Jules’ side.

  An hour or two passed, I wasn't quite sure. Jules and I didn't talk. I just sat there with his quiet, brooding, injured self. I knew he was watching me and I couldn't bear to look at him. I was ashamed of myself, but selfishly I had to see to it that he was okay. It was, after all, my fault. Loving him was why he was here. Also something deep inside of me told me that today would be that last time I would ever be around Jules. I felt desperate to cling to it, even though months had passed since I had seen him last.

  There was a slight knock on the door before it opened and in walked Maura, “Hey, you two. You doing alright?” she asked Jules.

  “Yeah, I’m alright. How’s Daws?”

  “He is doing fine except that his new girlfriend looks like she has been through the ringer. Something happened to her. Daws just called the guys in.”

  “Maura, is Aubrey okay?” I asked concerned for my friend. I knew going to Carmine’s was a bad idea. “Was Carlo with her?”

  “She was by herself. Her arm was cut. I’m not sure what happened,” Maura admitted, “I’m guessing a lot is going on though and we won’t be staying much longer. Daws was ready to hightail it out of here in a hospital gown.”

  “Sounds about right,” Jules said in a low tired voice.

  “Well, I would get dressed because I imagine the boys are springing you,” Maura smiled and kissed Jules on the cheek. Then she squeezed my hand, and quietly asked, “You doing okay, Jenny?” I shrugged not wanting to let her know what was going on.

  “I need to call Carlo,” I said, then brought out my phone and pressed send. There was no answer and I was worried. Maura gave me another squeeze on my hand and let me know that she was going to talk with Corbin, her boyfriend, and would be back to let us know what was going on. I sat and nervously called Carlo, and then my mom. No one knew where he was. I was worried something happened to him.

  “Relax, I’m sure everything’s okay. Don't panic until we know what’s happened,” Jules tried to reassure me, but I was scared. I knew what was going on with Aubrey. Something didn’t sit right with me. Not at all. I did the only thing I could think to do, I called Antonio.

  Chapter 11

  Jules didn't know who I was calling, but he watched me carefully. I hated calling Antonio in front of him, but I had to know if my brother was okay. I’d already lost one. I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to another one.

  “Jenny,” Antonio’s deep voice answered on the other end.

  “I’m at the hospital. Something happened with Aubrey at Carmine’s. Carlo was with her. Is he alright?”

  “I know where you are. I always do. I knew when you went to your mom’s and I knew when you heard about Jules and ran to the hospital. Now¸ you see I kept my word and didn't kill him. I let you have that, but you remember your place. A lot has happened today and you need to know that we are not waiting anymore. It’s time.”

  I close my eyes for a moment when Antonio reminds me that he is behind Jules laying here and then I open them to hear the rest of the words he has to deliver, just praying that what comes out
of his mouth is not that Carlo is dead.

  “Carmine is gone. I’ll be taking his place and you will be my wife.”

  “What do you mean gone?” I ask and I see Jules give me a “what the fuck is going on” look.

  “I mean, that thing I’ve been working towards is finally here. Carmine is dead and tonight men will meet to vote me in his place. It’s a technicality, of course, as I have it all arranged. Your brother is fine. He will need to answer to men tonight as well about why he shot at Carmine, but seeing as Carmine dropped dead before Carlo shot him, I’m sure he will get off just fine. A little bit of a special cocktail added to his scotch was all it took to take the old man down, so don't worry about Carlo. It will look like a heart attack. Besides, the new boss isn't about to put down his future brother-in-law, now is he?”

  “I understand,” I said, relieved that my brother was okay, but scared out of my mind that everything I knew was about to change. “How long?” I asked, hoping he would tell me when everything would change.

  “I’ll give you a few months to plan. I’m thinking spring, but tomorrow you move in with me. I’ll send someone to collect you.”

  A single tear fell down my cheek as I disconnected the call. I wanted to tell him I’d rather die first, but then if he could kill Carmine, how could anyone I love be safe.

  “Who was that?” Jules asked.

  I was slightly in shock from my conversation with Antonio. I knew this was coming, but knowing your life is going to eventually change and having it change are two completely different things.

  I curled up into the chair across from Jules. He tried to get me to talk but what could I say?

  “Maybe I should go,” I eventually said to Jules, thinking that he was probably better off not knowing me.

  “You haven’t said anything for hours, and now you open your mouth to say you should go?”

  I nodded because he was right, but I probably should go. He seemed like he would be alright and me in his vicinity would not be doing anyone any favors.

  “You need to come back with us to the clubhouse until we know that everything is safe, and then you can do whatever it is you do,” he said, clearly mad at me for not telling him about my conversation.

  “Okay,” I agreed.

  ***

  We drove back to the clubhouse with Aubrey and Daws. I took one look at the two of them and put my head against the cool glass. They both looked terrible and the guilt ate away at me even more. I didn’t know why Aubrey’s arm was bleeding but it was most likely my fault, and Daws’ injury, seeing as he was with Jules, was clearly my fault. I wouldn't look at Jules in the SUV. How could I? If I had never loved Jules, no one would be injured. I could feel my own hate and disgust for myself start to build, and I wanted nothing more than to be done with everything. I was shutting down; I had to. I was a vile woman who should’ve known better. I learned what Antonio was capable of with my own brother for God’s sake, and here I thought I could outsmart him. Look at these people around me; all injured, all hurt. I’m the only one not wearing my scars for all of them to see. It should be me. I should be cut and bleeding. No, Antonio should be. As much as I hated myself in that moment, I hated him even more. I vowed one day he would pay.

  “You okay?” Aubrey asked me as we were getting out of the SUV.

  I gave her a chin lift. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend. I just needed to shut it off. I needed to give the least amount of love I could. I needed them to be able to walk away from me. Aubrey had enough of her own drama. I didn't need to add any more hurt on top of it. I knew I should ask Aubrey what happened, but I was dying on the inside and just couldn't muster it.

  Maura sat at the bar with Corbin and I could tell she wanted to find out why I was in Jules’ room. I couldn't explain that either so I gave a half smile to my friend, walked past where she was sitting at the bar, and let myself into Jules’ room.

  He didn’t follow me. I’m sure he needed to talk to the guys, but I needed to be here, in his space. Surrounded by him. I couldn't ask him for comfort. I couldn’t tell him everything I did. Who knows? Maybe the club would just put me down if I did? I just needed to be here.

  I slipped my feet out of my shoes, laid down on his black comforter, faced the wall, and inhaled. His scent was all around me. It filled my lungs, and for the first time and last time, I felt like I could breathe.

  I noticed, taped to the wall, hidden behind pillows was a picture Jules did of me. It was a simple sketch of just my eyes, nose and mouth. There was no clear definition of the rest of my face, but I knew it was me and it was still so close to where he laid his head each night.

  I brushed my fingertips over the sketch and imagined Jules doing the same thing, and that’s when it happened. I broke. It wasn’t the ‘I need a good cry’ kind of break, it was the ‘my soul is being torn in half and I’ll never be the same’ kind of cry. I tried to play in this world and live life carefree. I tried, despite Antonio, to be happy. I should’ve realized when I was sixteen and Antonio slid onto the leather seat next to me that happiness was being stolen from me. Life is ugly and hard and I tried to do my best to dance through it but what I should've learned was that if the beat is off and you can't catch a rhythm, you just look like a fool. I was a fool to believe it would all work out. I was a fool to believe in love.

  I thought I could live my life and be happy, that no one would know how I felt about Jules, that somehow everything would work out, but the people I loved were paying the price for my happiness and I wouldn't risk that ever again.

  At some point, I heard the door and I could barely make out Jules’ voice in the background between my sobs. “Jenny?” his voice was cautious as he neared.

  He curled around me on the bed and wrapped me in his arms. He was the one who was hurt and yet, here he was trying to comfort me. I didn't say anything. I couldn’t. I didn't look at him. I stayed facing the wall as I took more from him; more that I didn’t deserve.

  I woke up some time later and guessed that I was doing a bad job at taking care of Jules. He was asleep and still curled around me. I peeled myself away from him, doing my best not to wake him.

  The numbers on the clock showed that I was asleep for two hours. His phone sat on the nightstand and I punched in his code to unlock it then set an alarm to go off in an hour and then every two hours after that.

  I left his room and walked down the hall towards Maura’s room. I was sure Corbin was in there, I hoped like hell they were decent. I gave a soft knock and then tried her door. Lucky for me, it opened right way and even more lucky for me, the two were fully clothed.

  “Hey,” I heard a sleepy Corbin say. I was so happy for Maura. She had this beautiful, strong Marine who loved her like crazy. Sure over the last few months she had to work like hell for it, but I was envious of what they shared. I would never have it.

  “Maura, Jenny’s here,” Corbin said, waking up Maura.

  “Jen?” she asked sleepily.

  “Hate to wake you, but I need you.”

  She sat up immediately and said to Corbin who sat up as well, “Lay down, I’ll wake you if I need to.” She climbed out of bed, wearing a black tank and panties then motioned for me to sit on Mickey’s bed with her.

  “What’s going on with you?” she asked me in a quiet yet sympathetic tone.

  It was time for me to build my web of lies and I needed to start with my best friend.

  “I was seeing Jules a while ago. We broke up because he found out I was also seeing Antonio.”

  Maura sucked in a breath, shocked by my admission.

  “I was freaked out when I heard something happened to him, but I knew it wasn't fair to him. I’m with Antonio, and I had no right to come running to him. I’m sorry I didn't tell you. Everything has been out of control for a while and I guess it was just easier to pretend things were okay.” This last part that I said was true, and it felt good to give her a little honesty. I expected her to be hurt. What I didn't expect was for her to be
pissed.

  “You mean to tell me you played Jules? You played me? Every time I’ve asked you if something was going on between the two of you, you lied to me. Why? Because you had another boyfriend on the side? How could you not tell me? Why would you lie over and over again to me? Jules is family to me. Why would you do this?” Maura’s voice was heated and I deserved her anger. Corbin sat up and flicked on the bedside light. I didn’t care that he was witness to this. The more people who thought I hurt Jules by being with Antonio, the safer it would be for everyone.

  “I’m sorry,” was all I said.

  “That’s it? You don't have anything else to say? Jules is one of the kindest bad asses I know. Why would you do this to him? Why would you keep it from me?”

  “I don't have a good answer for you just that I fucked up, “

  ” I hung my head low in defeat, hoping to avoid eye contact.

  “You sure did fuck up. Jenny, I’m not even sure who you are right now,” she scolded.

  “I should go,” I said, standing from the bed.

  Corbin looked from Maura to me, “Babe, I’ll drive her home.”

  “Like hell you will,” Maura was angrier than I’d ever seen her.

  “Maura, I get it. You’re pissed right now, but she’s your best friend,” he said in his sweet southern voice.

  “Really, Corbin? I’m not so sure about that right now.” I thought I had felt all the pain that I was capable of feeling. I thought I couldn't feel any more, but right there, that stung so badly.

  “Jenny, go out to the bar. I’ll be out in a minute,” Corbin said to me.

  I began to walk out the door when I turned one last time and said, “I really am sorry, Maura,” and hoped like hell it wasn't the end of my friendship.

  ***

  Corbin and I walked outside just in time to see a truck with Daws, Jarrod and Mickey inside fly out of the lot. I wondered if I should go and talk with Aubrey too, but I decided against it. I wasn't sure my heart could deal with any more tonight.

  “My car is at the hospital. Do you think you could just drop me there?” I asked Corbin.