Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

  “No problem, Jenny. Can I ask you something?” he asked. I didn't want any questions from him, but he was giving me a ride and I didn't have it in me to protest. “I’ve seen how Jules looks at you and how you look at him. Are you sure this Antonio guy is the choice you want to make?”

  I stared out the window. The sun was just coming up and it made the snowy hillside sparkle. After a few seconds of contemplating what I wanted to say, I answered, “Things aren’t always so black and white. Jules and I are from different worlds and Antonio works with my family. Do I have feelings for Jules? Of course, but I know he isn't the best decision for me.”

  Corbin studied me for a moment and then said, “She’s pissed right now, but it will blow over.”

  “You think? I’m not so sure.”

  “Yeah, she loves you. It might take some time, but I know how much she values your friendship.”

  I nodded, hoping he was right. The rest of the drive was quiet. Corbin wasn't the most talkative, or maybe he sensed that I needed some quiet because he didn't say much else until we were in the parking garage in front of my car.

  “Take care of yourself, Jenny,” he said with a slight smile.

  “You take care of our girl for me,” I ordered, knowing that Corbin was always looking out for Maura.

  I drove home and was glad when I pulled into my drive that Carlo’s car was here. It meant he was safe like Antonio said.

  I busied myself in my apartment by pulling out my luggage from under the bed and filling it with clothes. I fit as much as I could in the two suitcases I owned, and then went to the bathroom and began pulling out toiletries that I would need. I wasn’t sure of the freedom Antonio would give me, so I wanted to have as many of my things that I could with me. I walked through my living room to grab a pair of boots that sat next to the door and passed a picture I framed of me that Jules did.

  I took the frame off of the wall, removed the backing and slid the picture out. I folded the paper and hid the picture inside my luggage.

  It was ten after nine when I heard a knock at my door. I knew it would be Antonio. I knew my life was done. I opened the door to meet the eyes of the man I hated more than anything, then I said goodbye to the life I loved.

  Chapter 12

  Present day

  2 1/2 years later

  My skin feels pruny when I finally stand from the tub. I throw on my white silk robe, annoyed at how the silk clings to my wet skin, but my husband doesn't think a woman should wear terry cloth. Nothing but silk and lace are acceptable when getting out of the tub; something he instilled early into our marriage.

  There was a clear set of rules that I had to follow and then there was a clear set of expectations. I was not allowed to drive. I was not allowed to have dinner at my mom’s without him there. I was expected to dress appropriately. I was expected to be the wife of a boss. I was expected to go to church in my Sunday finest. I was expected to maintain my appearance at all times. The list went on and on.

  I stepped into my suite and noticed that Maude had indeed followed my directions and left another bottle of wine. It sat chilled in an ice bucket near my well-kept white vanity.

  My suite was at the other end of the hall from my husband Antonio’s suite. The room was large with a tiny balcony overlooking the east garden. A massive white canopy bed adorned with white bedding sat at one side of the room. At the end of the bed, there was a white chaise lounge with gold claw feet. The floors were a porcelain tile that obnoxiously reflected the morning sun if I forgot to close the white curtains the night before. The room was sterile. My husband thought white was clean. Perhaps it would make me cleaner by staying in it? I loathed it.

  I sat down in front of my vanity, took a gulp of the wine directly from the bottle and began fixing my make-up. Antonio liked it to be very precise. Perfect.

  I begin to work through my hair. It takes a while to work out the tangles. I guess when you no longer care, your hair becomes unruly. Once I tame the mess, I weave it and tie it into an intricate bun. I move to my large walk-in closet and take a white knee length pencil skirt from the hanger followed by a white sleeveless blouse. There is a small amount of ruffle along the neckline, but other than that it is very conservative, just how Antonio expects me to be. I finish the ensemble off by pairing with my white Jimmy Choos and I’m ready to go.

  I’m meeting the wives today for tea, more like martinis; but they tell their husbands it’s tea. I order tea when I’m out with them. Other wives may lie to their husbands, but I won’t risk telling him a lie over tea. I’m not excited about meeting the gossipy group. Sometimes, if Louis my driver is in the mood, I can convince him to swing by the diner in town, so I can see my nephew Gino. Gino started bussing tables for a few hours after school. He’s young so it’s all under the table, but Carlo thought it would be good for him.

  I hit the intercom on the wall and wait for Maude’s reply, “What can we do for you?”

  “Please tell Louis I’ll be down in ten minutes,” I say and I grab my (you guessed it) white Gucci clutch, (insert eye roll) then I stand in front of the mirror and do a final once-over to make sure I am suitable. I step out of my room and cringe when I hear multiple female giggles coming down the hallway. Antonio has company. It’s not unusual for him to flaunt the ladies he sleeps with in my face. The sound is almost comforting, like if he is busy with them; he will hopefully ignore me.

  “I’m going to get more champagne,” one of the women says loudly. Suddenly as I begin to descend the stairs, I am met face to face with one of my husband’s afternoon delights. I suck in a breath. I recognize this woman. Holy hell, it’s Big Titty Rhonda from the clubhouse. I haven’t been to that place in years and having a close encounter with the club’s biggest slut in my home does nothing for me. I’m indifferent that she is here, at least where my husband is concerned. She looks wide-eyed and fearful of me.

  My posture is rigid and my chin is lifted. I want to ask her how everyone is. This, I know, I cannot do. “Go back to your games. Maude will send up champagne. You can't be traipsing around my home like that,” I say, moving my finger upwards signaling her trashy attire. Big Titty is in a leather skirt and a black lacy bra that her breasts are spilling out of.

  She looks embarrassed, but she says quietly under her breath, “You know the guys still talk about you and Maura and how you used to out drink them.”

  The bitch I was groomed to be knows she should say something dismissive, but I can’t find it in me. I turn and walk away from her with my head held high.

  I miss her so much; the woman I used to be.

  Louis opens the front door for me and then again the door to the white town car. I give him a small smile. He may be one of the only friends I have, and yet, we pay him, so I know that it isn't real. “Good day ma’am,” he says as he closes the door behind me.

  Him calling me ma’am reminds me of Maura’s fiance, Corbin. I remember so long ago when I met him at Benny’s for the first time. The last time I saw Maura was at Daws' and Aubrey's wedding. I kept myself busy with Aubrey that day so that I didn't have much alone time with Maura. It was the time before that that was the most profound.

  I stare out the window as we drive to the restaurant and remember the worst day of my life, the last time I really spent any time with my best friend; my wedding day.

  I did my best to act thrilled around my brothers. They were shocked when they heard about our engagement. I put on the biggest smile in the world and pretended to be in love. My wedding day was no different. I got a few ‘are you really sure’, but for the most part, my family was trying to be supportive, even if they didn't quite understand it. Between the looks they gave me and the whispers I heard behind my back, no one understood why I was marrying him and I had to play it off that I was in love. Besides, I had a wedding planner that was excited enough for everyone.

  There was a knock at the door followed by Carlo, Vito and Marcus, I knew my other two brothers were waiting with their families.<
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  “You look so beautiful. If Gus could see you now,” Carlo smiled at me and I could tell he was getting emotional.

  “You’re happy, right sis? I mean this is what you want right?” Vito asked, giving me a once over.

  “Of course, it is. Antonio makes me so happy. I love you guys,” I said fixing the light blue handkerchief that was sticking out of the breast pocket of Marcus’ tux.

  “As long as you’re happy sis, then we’re happy for you,” Carlo said, kissing me on the cheek.

  “If Antonio ever hurts you, I swear I’ll kill him,” Marcus said completely serious.

  “Marcus, it’s her wedding day!” Carlo yelled at Marcus. I realized that maybe they picked up on more than I thought.

  “You guys, I’m good. He loves me. This will be good. You’ll see,” I wanted to ease their fears. Before I had to do any more convincing, there was a knock at the door and then a soft “hello.”

  Carlo opened the door and saw Maura standing there, looking almost sheepish, “Come on in. I was just finishing up with her,” he said to her and then turned to me again, “I’ll see you in a few minutes, okay?”

  “Okay,” I squeezed Carlo’s hand and my brothers left me in the suite alone with Maura. I hadn’t seen her since we had gotten into the fight at the clubhouse. I sent her an invite in hopes to see her, but I didn't really expect her to come.

  “Hey, you look amazing,” she said almost nervously.

  “I’m glad you could make it.”

  “Corbin convinced me to come. I wasn't sure if I was going to.”

  “Goodness, I’ve missed you. I’m so glad you’re here,”

  It burned in the back of my throat and I wanted to cry with how much her void has hurt, but instead I stood in front of the mirror and straightened out my dress. It was a Valentino, fitted white lace from head to mid-calf, where the material had a slight flair. It was lovely, but too extravagant for my tastes. Maura walked behind me and I could see her reflection in the mirror. She put her arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder so that our faces were side by side.

  “I’ve missed you too. I didn’t give you a chance to explain. I just was so mad at you, and then time went by and I couldn't seem to pick up the phone. Then, I heard you were getting married and I saw what the news was doing to Jules, I just had to stay away. I’m sorry I should’ve been here for you sooner. It’s your wedding day! Your best friend should be here for your wedding day.” A small tear slipped from the corner of Maura’s eye and it made me miss her all the more.

  “I love you. Do you know how good it feels to hear you call me your best friend? I understand why you’ve stayed away. I’m just so stinkin’ excited you’re here now,” I said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. Inside, the mere mention of Jules being upset has me wanting to fall apart and run to him at the same time. There is a part of me deep down that wished he would crash through St. Jerome’s doors and take me with him, far away from everyone. Even if he did, I knew I couldn’t go. Too many people’s lives that I cared about were at stake.

  “I brought you something,” Maura said, stepping away from her hug and opening her clutch. She dug out a small jewelry box and handed it to me. A smile laced her face and I could tell she was excited.

  I opened the box and smiled, “It’s beautiful!”

  Inside was a Celtic Tree of Life necklace. I began to take it out of the box when Maura said, “Here let me help you.” She grabbed it and started to clasp it around my neck. “Do you know what this stands for?” she asked.

  I shook my head because I thought they were beautiful, but had no idea what the trees stood for.

  “To the Irish, The Celtic Tree of Life stands for balance and harmony. I hope for your marriage to be filled with both. I love you and I want you to have the happiest marriage you could dream of.”

  A tear escaped my eye and I quickly dabbed it with a tissue. “Thank you, I love it,” and I did. It was the best gift I could’ve ever been given, because it was from her.

  “I have one more thing to give to you, but I’m afraid you’re not going to like it as much. Don't open it until later. I don't want it to ruin your day. Okay?”

  “Uh-oh. If it’s going to ruin my day, I’m not sure I want it,” I said, glad that it felt like my bestie was back.

  Her eyes looked away from me towards the ground, “Jules left. He asked me to give this to you before he took off.”

  Hearing her say this tears me apart, but I can't let it show. I wanted to ask her where he went, but I knew I’d be crossing a line. I needed to be strong; so many people were depending on it, whether they knew it or not.

  She handed me a piece of paper that I instantly recognized from Jules’ sketchpad.

  “Are you happy?” Maura asked me sincerely.

  My eyes filled with tears and I just hoped she thought they were tears of joy. “I am,” I said, lying again.

  “Honey, looking at you, I’m not so sure. Something about this doesn't feel right. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

  I felt bad for lying and at her suspicions I almost wished she wasn't here. Maybe it was better if she just hated me? Then, I wouldn't have to look my best friend in the eye and convince her.

  Another knock at the door broke our moment and I was saved from further interrogation. Mom stuck her head through the door. “It’s time. Are you ready?” My mom asked and I plastered the biggest smile to my face that I could muster, “Yeah Ma. Give me just a second.”

  Maura squinted her eyes at my smile, knowing me, and knowing it wasn’t sincere, “For the record, you’re the prettiest bride I’ve ever seen and I’m always here if you ever want to talk,” Maura said as she hugged me goodbye.

  “Mom, I’ll be right out, okay?” I said to my mom and she gave me a minute to myself.

  She left me alone and I took a few deep breaths. I could do this. I couldn't wait to see Jules’ words to me, I had to see them now. I knew I was just torturing myself, but I had to see. Very carefully, as if I was afraid the paper would self-destruct and his words would be lost to me permanently, I unfolded the letter.

  Jenny,

  It’s your wedding day. I wish I could say I was happy for you. I wish I could say that I thought this was going to be the happiest day of your life and that you were meeting me on the other end of the aisle.

  Alas, I can say no such thing. None of this makes sense to me. One day, I held you in my arms, and I knew you were the love of my life. I saw how you looked at me. I know I wasn't wrong and that you felt the same.

  I knew something plagued you, and I thought you would tell me in time. I thought I was just waiting for you to trust me with your secrets. I never dreamed that you would love another man, and today marry him.

  I can't bear to see you with him. Just the thought of your name burns a hole through my soul. It breaks me, knowing you’re giving yourself to him. So, I wanted to give you something you never gave me, a goodbye.

  I’m leaving. I can't tell you I understand. I can't tell you I forgive you. I want you to be happy. Hell, I want to be happy, so I’m leaving in hopes that one day I will be again.

  I’ll love you forever my firecracker.

  Goodbye,

  Jules

  “Oh God!” my hand covered my mouth. I wanted to fall to my knees and scream. My heart, that already felt like it was being split wide open, was beyond broken. I knew reading those words on the paper was going to be hard, but I had no idea that it would completely shatter me. How could I walk down the aisle? How could I stand in another man’s arms and make promises to him? I was gutted and torn. I stared at myself in the mirror, and then I noticed the picture my mom brought into the suite. It was from last summer and on each side of me were my brothers and Gino was right in front making a silly face. I knew I needed to walk down the aisle for them.

  I heard Mendelssohn’s Wedding March start. It was time. I wanted to scream and cry, but I needed to go. It was my cue. I walked out with my smile plast
ered to my face and crooked my arm with my mother and brother on each side of me, as they led me to the man I hated; my husband.

  “We’re here,” Louis said as he double parked the town car, holding up traffic, so he could let me out in front of the restaurant. I hated this elitist attitude, but I knew it was also expected of me. The months before I married Antonio were spent grooming me for the exact role he wanted me to play.

  “I’ll call you when we’re finished,” I say to Louis and I walk inside to meet the most obnoxious women I have ever encountered in my entire life. Women that if it wasn't for my husband, I would never dine with let alone have drinks with. These were his men’s wives and I was expected to entertain them. They were expected to kiss my ass.

  Five well dressed, over indulgent, plastic woman sat around a large round table. They all wore designer clothes. Mindy, my least favorite, was well over fifty, yet she dressed as though she was in her twenties. She was mean, if not downright malicious, and was as fake as they came. Her tits were upsized for the third time and her tan was sprayed heavy and thick. Her hair was dyed a platinum blonde. Everyone knew Italian women looked mismatched when they were supposed to have black hair and they dyed it blonde. She also wouldn't hesitate to cheat on her husband. Not that Lorenzo was faithful to her, but he had no control over her. I dreaded her.

  The women quieted as I sat down. The waiter waited for me to get comfortable before placing the napkin on my lap. I waved him off. “Why so quiet? What were you all discussing?” Samantha, who was probably the most tolerable of the women, was about to speak when she was hastily cut off by Mindy, “You would know if you were on time?”

  “Excuse me. I will arrive if and when I feel like it, and you should think to remember that as you might find yourself no longer invited,” I challenged her.

  She wanted to say something and she began, “Well I…”

  “It was nothing we were just talking about how a few of us got held up in traffic. The streets were all barricaded by police because those bikers were coming through,” Elizabeth said cutting off Mindy.