Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

  A loud rumble of pipes starts to reverberate through the cemetery. All eyes turn to watch as a line of motorcycles come from the other side where not half as many bikes are parked. Daws must have joined them while I was talking with mom. A line of bikes, about twenty or so, park close and their pipes rumble, rhythmically.

  Daws is in the lead, then Maura on her pink bike, followed by Mickey and Jules. Seeing him in the paper was one thing, but here in the flesh is a whole other enormity. My knees feel weak and I clutch Gino’s arm to steady myself. I ball my other hand and dig my nails into my fist to try and keep from showing how utterly torn up I am. I squeeze until I feel my skin break and it’s enough to stop me from running to him. I feel winded like I was kicked and at the same time I feel like a magnet is pulling me towards him. It’s a rush of emotions. The engines rev and I feel like they are doing it at the same pace as my heart.

  Over and over again the noise from the bikes pulses through me. I squeeze my eyes shut and send up a prayer begging that if there is a god, he'll help me through this. I can do this. I avert my eyes and focus on Gino. My sweet Gino who lost his dad because of me.

  I’m in the same cemetery that my brother is buried and here I am thinking about going to Jules. What is wrong with me? Gus is dead because of me and I’m thinking about forgetting it all and running to Jules. For all I know, he has an old lady now. Seeing him, I know I don't belong in my shiny black heels. I belong on the back of his bike, only this bike has changed and there is no longer room for two.

  I look to Maura, deciding that if she needs me, I want to be here for her.

  “I don't see Corbin, Ma. Where is he?” I ask quietly.

  “Deployed honey. Maura has been staying here for a few months. Haven’t you two spoken?” she asks. I look away too ashamed to admit that we haven’t.

  The bikes quiet and Maura walks up to the casket, placing her hand on top of it. She looks like she’s taking this hard. Her mascara is running down her cheeks and she has this lost look on her face. I know that Dray was often like a second dad to her, so I can only imagine how she is feeling.

  Her dad stands close by and I watch her tears silently fall as the priest stands beside her. “She needs me,” I whisper to my mom as I hand her my oversized hat and glasses. I can't stand idly by and watch her hurt without being there for her to lean on. At this moment, it doesn't matter that Jules is here, or that Louis has eyes on me. It doesn't matter that we haven't spoken in years or that I’ve royally screwed our friendship up. All that matters is my closest friend is hurting.

  “Excuse me,” I say quietly as I slip through the crowds of people and slide in next to Maura. I slip my hand into hers and she turns into me, embraces me and falls apart. I make it safe for her to cry. I would take on all of her pain if I could. I remember the pain I felt when I lost Gus. I can only hope to give her some strength and comfort. She shakes for a second and then says, “I don't know if I can do this.”

  “You can. You’re so strong.” I stroke her head and she lets me comfort her. I shouldn’t be happy, not even a little, but having Maura in my arms is the best thing I’ve felt in almost two years. “You need to cry, honey. It’s okay. The world lost a great man, and you lost someone you love,” I say in her ear for her alone to hear.

  She nods her head and pulls away a little but still has her arms wrapped around my middle. We listen to the priest, and then watch as they lower the casket into the ground. My attention and focus are on Maura. I’m watching her and making sure that the second she feels like falling apart that I am here for her.

  The service ends and the motorcycles start up. “Are you going to be okay to ride?” I ask Maura.

  She nods, “This is what Dray would want. Come to Benny’s?”

  “I’ll be there, I gotta ditch my tail first.” It just comes out. I know as soon as I say it that I shouldn’t have. Maura’s eyes dart around and she notices Louis standing about five hundred feet away by a tree. She looks at me concerned that I have a tail, but she doesn't say anything. I walk with her to her bike as the other men begin starting theirs. “I’ll see you soon,” I give her hand a squeeze, do my best not to look for Jules, and walk away.

  My mom, brothers, minus my oldest three, and Gino are already at Gus’ grave and it looks like they’re about to leave. Perhaps they didn’t think I’d show?

  “Good to see you, Jenny,” Vito says wrapping me in his arms. “Come here, sis. It’s been too long,” Marcus tugs me away from Vito and into his embrace. I flinch when his arms come into contact with my cut. I’m not sure that he notices, but it makes me nervous.

  “Can I ride with you guys to Benny’s?” I ask Vito.

  “Of course,” Marcus smiles.

  Let’s say a prayer.” Mom begins by grabbing a hand on each side of her and we bow our heads.

  When we open our eyes, I look at Gino on my left and my mom on my right. “You look so much like your dad,” I say to Gino.

  “You think so?”

  “Absolutely. I bet he’s staring down at you, right now. He’d be so proud of how you stand by his mom.” He gives me a hug and I kiss him on his cheek, and he says to me, “I’m so glad you’re here.” Then he heads towards the cars.

  “Can you give me a minute alone? I’ll be right there,” I ask.

  My brothers and mom walk away leaving me alone at my brother’s gravesite. I haven’t visited since Antonio confirmed that he killed him. My guilt has eaten away at me. I kneel on his grave, not caring that my dress is getting muddy.

  The wind whips around and blows a few crinkled leaves in my direction. I place my hand over the marble stone feeling the coldness of it. I place my other hand on it next, as if the stone could make me feel closer to him and I let it out, “I miss you. You always seemed to have all of the answers. I wish you had one for me now, but you can't give me any because you’re gone,” I whimper and continue the words that I should have said forever ago, “I’m so sorry. You would be here if I had just kept my mouth shut. It’s my fault you’re in the ground. I’m sorry I haven’t visited. I know I should be doing a better job watching over Gino, but I’m keeping him safe from Antonio. Know that big brother. I would do anything for him, and I swear I’ll die before I ever let Antonio hurt him. I’m so sorry you’re dead. Maybe this all would just end if it was me in there instead of you. If I could switch places with you Gus, I would. I swear it, I would,” I collapse and sob. I know for appearances’ sake that Antonio would be pissed if he saw me , but I need to say these things to my brother.

  A few minutes go by and I know I need to collect myself. I stand up and straighten my dress. I’m not sure why but, I look back towards Dray’s grave. It’s a distance away, but there is no mistaking that a man is watching me, and that the man staring at me is Jules. His body is rigid, and for a moment, even though we can't see each other’s eyes, we stare. Hiis gaze is so strong. I feel him down to my bones. I wish I was closer to read him. I would give anything to know his thoughts.

  I want to go to him, but I know I can’t. It’s been years. Even though I've held him in the most sacred place in my heart, I have no idea how he feels. Every reason I let him walk away is still here, but a part of me feels like consequences be damned. I need to get myself together. I know Louis is watching me.

  Vito is waiting for me at the edge of the grass. I was elevated on a hill so I don't think he saw me break down, but I'm sure my face is blotchy making it clear I was crying.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  “I haven’t been here in a while. I miss him,” I say and another tear rolls down my cheek. My sunglasses are long gone and I do nothing to hide my pain. I know I’ve been distant with my family and friends. I haven’t wanted them to see the pain I’m in. I haven't wanted them to intervene. The only thing I’ve thought about is keeping them safe. Right now, I feel like I need my mask to be gone. I just want one afternoon where I get to be with the people I love.

  “I miss him too. Are you ready?” he asks.
<
br />   “Yes,” I say as I crook my arm with his. We head in the direction of Vito’s black sports car. Louis steps out of the shadows, “Mrs. Valentino, may I ask where you are going?”

  I hold my head high. I know Louis is only doing his job, but I have to do this. “I’m going with my brother to be with my family.”

  “Ma’am, I’m not sure your husband…”

  Vito cuts him off, “If my sister wants to come with me, then she is. Antonio is not her keeper.”

  “Ma'am I really must insist,” he says again.

  “We’re going to Benny’s. It will be okay,”

  “But…,” he says nervous that I’m not getting into the car with him. I know Antonio will be angry with him, but today I don’t care.

  “Sis, you shouldn't have to explain yourself to this guy. If you want to come with me, then let’s go.” He opens the car door for me and motions for me to get in. I slide onto the seat and watch Louis’ jaw tighten as he turns and walks away.

  “Antonio always have guys watching you like that?” Vito asks once we begin to drive to the bar.

  I look out the window, not wanting to answer him. I’m so sick of lying.

  He reaches over the center console and grabs my hand, holding it the rest of the drive.

  We have to park a few blocks away from the bar because of how packed it is. When we enter, I’m assaulted by the rich aroma of garlic and oregano from my Ma’s cooking and by the overwhelming amount of hugs I recieve. Aubrey, Ari, my sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews, all of my brothers, and then somehow I ended up in Mickey’s arms where I got a “Thanks for taking care of my girl.”

  Shots are poured at the bar and the biggest party I’ve ever seen to celebrate someone’s life is well underway. People clank bottles and tell stories about Dray. I found Maura in a booth in the back, comforting Adriane, Dray’s widow.

  “Hi, you ladies need anything?” I asked approaching cautiously.

  “No, I think we’re good. Jarrod is going to take her home in a few. Stick around?” Maura asks.

  “Yeah. I’ll be here,” God, it felt good to say that.

  I sit down at a table with Ari and Gino and get an update on everything school related. Ari is doing amazing on her soccer team. “I want her to try out for the lead in the musical, but she won’t,” Gino informs me.

  “I can’t get up there in front of all those people. I just can’t.”

  “Why not? You can kick butt on the field, so why not kick butt on the stage?”

  I’m enjoying myself and find I’m smiling at how the two banter with each other. I don't remember the last time I really felt happy like this.

  The door opens to the bar, letting in the bright outside light. I lose all of the air in my lungs. Jules walks in and the atmosphere changes. Men in the club stop and shake his hand, some stand as he walks by, and everyone takes notice. Something is different about Jules. His head is shaved and his face has a few more creases around his eyes, but it’s not his looks that have me noticing a change. He has a hardness to his eyes that I’ve never seen before, and his eyes are trained directly on me.

  Every hair on my arms stands on end as he shakes hands with men, never taking his eyes off of me. I notice something that I didn’t catch earlier. Jules has a new patch on his vest that reads President. OMG! Jules must have taken over Dray’s position within the club. I don't know why or how all that works. I never asked Maura or Jules about it. It never seemed to matter, but now I’m curious as hell. I stare at Jules as he moves about the room. Sometimes his eyes break contact, but only for a second. It isn't lust in his eyes, even though a part of me wishes that's what I see. Watching him move has me licking my lips, and the most foreign feeling, one I can't remember the last time I felt, stirs down below; desire.

  There is no way in the world Antonio could’ve known that Jules was the new president and that he was back in town., Antonio would’ve never let me come today. My phone vibrates and I’m sure that it’s him. I don't want to look. I know how he feels about Jules.

  “What is this Jenny? Tell me!” Antonio demands pulling me by the back of my head and shoving the letter Jules wrote me on my wedding day in my face. He obviously read it and knows what it is, so I don't answer him. “You’ve been holding on to this for how long? Six months? You dare keep a love letter from him in my house? And the picture? What is this crap? I should kill you and get it over with, you filthy bitch. ” After the last six months, that didn't seem like such a bad idea. The only things that I had that really got me through were the letter from Jules, the picture Jules drew of me and knowing that he was out there away from all of this poison. I held on to his words that he loved me, even if that love was only for a little while.

  Antonio shoved me away from him, throwing me on the hard tile floor in my suite. My face smacked against the cool porcelain. I shook in fear anticipating what he was going to do next. I would’ve preferred a blow to what he did. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a zippo that he uses for his Cubans and carefully lit the edges of the papers on fire turning them as he lit each corner.

  “No!” I cried out. This got me a smirk. He enjoyed causing me grief.

  He left the room and I laid on the ground next to the black ash that once held his beautifully painful words and his art. I couldn't do this any longer. I thought I was saving my family by being with Antonio, but perhaps he was just killing me slowly. I had barely seen any of them, except occasionally Gino. Even though the words on the paper were a goodbye, he still said he loved me. I needed that, it gave me strength each and every day.

  I hated my life. I didn't feel like it was worth hanging around in it any longer. The ash on the floor was just another reminder of how everything good around me just disappeared. I crawled on my hands and knees to the bathroom and opened a drawer where I kept the straight razor that I used to shave Jules so long ago. I pulled it out and stared at myself in the mirror, pressing the shiny blade against my skin. I moved it along my throat and thought how easy it would be to slice. I pressed the blade into my skin and felt the edge break through my flesh. I watched my tears that were streaming hard down my face blend with the blood. A few drops of blood dripped onto the white porcelain. I didn't cut hard, I was testing it out. My hands trembled and fought to keep the blade steady. I fumbled it, and the sound of it clanking against the sink echoed in the vast room.

  I stared at the blood and it made me think about my sweet friend Aubrey and everything she had been through. She never once gave up. She fought. I thought about Gino and how if I wasn't here for him, that he could be Antonio’s next target. I’m sure Carlo would be next after that. What was I doing? It was just a piece of paper. Sure it killed, but I’d been through worse, hadn’t I? If Aubrey could get through all of her shit, surely I could too. It was just pain. I could endure it. I put the razor away and took a shower washing it all away. I needed to be stronger. I couldn't let him break me, no matter how hard he tried.

  “I bet he’ll make captain. What do you think?” Ari was asking me something, jarring me from my thoughts. “Hmm?” I asked. “Captain, right?”

  “Heck yes, he’ll make captain,” I said smiling at the two.

  Aubrey approached our table, “I’m going to take Daws home. Thanks for coming Jenny. It means a lot to have you here.”

  “Is he okay?” Ari asked. I missed out on watching Daws and Ari’s relationship bloom, but I could tell she thought of him as family.

  “He’ll be okay, honey. He just needs a little time.”

  “I’m going to go say goodbye, I’ll be right back,” Ari says hopping up and out of her chair quickly.

  “Gino, you think you can give us a second?” Aubrey asks.

  “Sure, no problem. You’re not going to leave are you, Aunt Jen?” I hate that he is so nervous I’ll disappear. It’s a reminder of what my absence in his life has done.

  “Promise. I’m not leaving for a while.”

  Once Gino is out of earshot, Aubrey sits down. I los
t sight of Jules, when the kids moved on, but somehow it still feels like his eyes are on me.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “You’re the one whose father-in-law just died. I should be asking you how you are.”

  Aubrey grabbed my hand and flipped it over and ran her fingers over the small indents my nails left on my palm. “I started working at Anna’s house a few days a week. Do you know what that is?” she asked but didn't give me a chance to talk, “It’s a shelter for abused women, good women, strong women. I know you’re not fine and that something is going on with you. I’m not a counselor yet, but if you ever want to talk, I can help you,” she says calmly.

  “What? You don't know anything,” I say incredulously, get up from the table defensively and quickly move away from Aubrey. I hear her say, “Jenny, wait! I didn't mean anything by it.” I can't stand that she thinks I’m a victim. Is that what everyone thinks of me? Is that what I’ve become?

  I go into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. My hair is still up in the tight bun and after my gravesite cry fest, I look hollow and vacant. No wonder Jules couldn’t take his eyes off of me. He is probably wondering who I am, just like I’m wondering.

  I splash some water on my face and take my hair down. It’s a little better, not much, but better.

  I walk out of the bathroom and I see Jules right by the edge of the hallway that leads to the bathrooms. He was waiting for me. I can tell. He doesn't say anything, but does a tiny head tilt and shifts his eyes towards the kitchen. I can still read him and know what he wants me to do. I wait a minute and collect myself. What will I say to him after all this time? What could he possibly want from me?

  When it seems no one is paying attention to me, I slip into the kitchen. I don't see Jules at first and I think back to the time when I was here with him. I’m filled with lust momentarily as I remember taking him in my mouth and I immediately know where he is.

  Jules is standing with one foot against the wall inside the freezer and staring at his cell phone when I walk in. He looks up and his eyes meet mine. He has a toothpick in his mouth and my eyes instantly fixate on how his beautiful full lips move it from side to side. There is no softness in his blue eyes; they are cold and calculating. I wonder if I made a mistake coming here? Could Antonio have been right? Could he mean to hurt me?