However, you will find love. You will feel loved and you will love. There will be a time when you understand that love is much more complicated than what it seems. The fairy tales you dream of show just one side of love. Love is much more than that. As hard as it is for you to believe it right now, it is possible to overcome differences and talk things through. It is possible to cry and still love. Daddy will always love you, but he just doesn’t know how much you need him to tell you that. He won’t tell you that, but you’ll know.
You don’t need to apologize for crying, it is good that you do. There will be moments when you’ll feel like drowning in sadness, but those are just moments. I can’t tell you how or when (that would spoil the fun), but love will change your life and you will find that there’s somebody you can trust and who will make you feel safe and cared; somebody worth sharing a life with.
You’ll be ok. Just remember there’s no finish line, you have to enjoy every step of the way.
Karla V
* * * * *
To mousy, scared, 10-year-old Ann:
Forget what you think is normal, what you think everyone else feels or wants or whatever. Everyone is just as weird and unsure as you are, and they're all just trying to hold it together so no one else notices.
Just do what you want, follow your heart, ask the questions you want to ask, and never let fear of standing out or being different keep you from your destiny.
Ann Foxley
* * * * *
Dear Mike,
Don't stop having faith in yourself. In the future, you will become too jaded to enjoy life. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! The only way that you will ever do what you want is if you focus and get motivated at 10 instead of 30. Oh, and before I forget, remember these words: Yahoo!, Google, and facebook. Invest, invest, invest, as soon as you can! Oh and grab as much stock of Apple as you can.
* * * * *
Dear Scott,
Know that anything is possible–even time travel! Since I’m soon to be in the midst of Hurricane Irene and you’re about to be in the midst of Hurricane David, I wonder if tropical storms are the cause of this great temporal magic?
I know how hard you try and often feel like the goal is somehow always out of your grasp. Let that be okay, don’t let anxiety and disappointment eat you up inside and paralyze you. Ask for help and reach out to friends.
A decade or two from now, when looking at different career opportunities, trust the feelings in your stomach, and know that when you’re roiling in knots inside, this is a warning and not just rich food; heed these warnings and who knows what greatness will befall you.
There will come a time when you like girls and girls like you. No need to rush; no need to worry. There will also be times when you think it’s time to end a relationship, and that’s okay too; do so with grace and wit. Know that in any relationship, the other person can become a target for everything you hate about yourself; with healthy communication and love, almost any relationship can work.
When visiting your dad, especially after college, don’t bring any expectations other than an intention to spend time together. It’s the shared moments we have that create the possibilities of the future; for him the past is a painful sea and your step-mom will do all she can to protect him from revisiting it.
Speaking of college, major in Computer Science, you’ll have much more fun and become a bright light in your field. There may come a time where you want to go to graduate school in a tangential field and I just invite you to follow your bliss because anything is possible and our main mission here is to experience as much joy and as much life as we can.
With much love and gratitude for all that you are and will become.
Scott Youmans
* * * * *
Dear Master Walter:
Sit down and read this as if it's a detailed and very serious bomb threat. Scratch that. This is in fact a detailed and very serious bomb threat.
1. The wild adventures you'll have, the seemingly profound things you'll learn, and the pain you'll suffer over the next decades, all more-or-less with the aim of testing the suspicion you now harbor---that life is truly absurd---will not be worth it.
Life is absurd, young man. Accept that truth and move beyond it.
2. Use whatever means necessary to get to a psychiatrist and have him start you on lithium now. I recommend terrifying your mother or otherwise coercing her as a likely means of achieving this. Be ruthless with the doctor. Tell him everything, and shoot for a blood serum level of at least point-nine.
Deal with the side effects, you little pussy. They'll prove more than worth it.
3. Remember that the first rule of successful suicide is never to talk about suicide. So talk about it. A lot. Because if you don't grow up to have these two wonderful children, I will jump back through a wormhole and kick your fucking ass.
Admonition number three is non-negotiable.
Those are the important points. Otherwise, just be the good person you already know you are. Oh, and be nicer to your little sister and your little brother.
Love,
Not-You
* * * * *
Dear Peter,
How much can I tell you without spoiling the surprise? How much should I tell you without making you feel there is no choice in your life, no possibility, no open horizon? Without those things to drive you, I’m not certain who you would turn out to be; not me, at any rate, and as self-serving as that may sound, it is a good enough place to begin.
The future is an amazing place. Don’t get too attached to anything in popular culture, because it all fades soon enough – but don’t ignore or forget it either, because it all comes back eventually too. Most of all, don’t worry about what’s popular. It’s hard right now and will get a lot harder through adolescence, but the things you learn – and yes, suffer – will make you a person worth being when you get to my age.
Stick with science. Last year you wrote “I want to be a cemist” in a class Career Day exercise and if you study hard, you can indeed become a chemist some day. Science and math are a good foundation, but remember that science is always moving and changing. Don’t imagine you will ever find Truth there – so seek it where you always have: in the things that endure.
It’s scary being an adult, but there are a lot of good things too. The strange thing is that it’s really just like grade school. People will want to be friends, or they won’t. People will share their ball on the playground, or they won’t. They’ll call you names, offer to share their lunches, skin their knees and cry and get back up and keep playing. It’s all the same, it’s just that the stakes are higher, and people care about them more – but the lessons of getting along with others you are learning now will help you throughout life.
Don’t be so introspective. Don’t read so much you forget to learn how to understand people. Get out more. Be more active, more social, talk to more girls, pursue more interests, and above all, don’t be afraid. You can do anything you set your mind to. The worst thing – worse than looking foolish, worse than failing at something – the worst thing is looking back and saying “I wish I had…”
Love everyone around you. Every one in your life is precious and special and has something about them worth loving. Don’t worry about the world. Things will change a lot soon, and they’ll keep changing faster than you can imagine. And in general, it’s going to move in the right direction, no matter how dark and scary it might seem at times. Remember that in the long run, things will always get better, even if you aren’t going to see how it all turns out.
I wish I could take your hand and tell you it will turn out all right. Don’t be afraid. I will be here waiting for you.
I love you.
Peter Smalley
* * * * *
* * * * *
Dear Damien,
Yeah, so, I'm you from the future, the 21st century.
Ok, I wouldn't believe it either. Just read this anyway, even if I'
m not you, you might find it helpful, and I know you'd appreciate a little help right now.
Think of me as like that quiet little voice in you head that explains stuff to you. The one that helps you out of the crap when it all gets too much.
You may have noticed my name is a little different, you change it when you’re about 25, because we became someone new, after you kill yourself again. Oh, yeah, get ready for that. You will die about four or five times before you get to where I am now. I can't really explain how it works, I haven't figured it out yet. In fact there are still a lot of things I haven't figured out yet, though I do have the answers to some of the questions you are asking yourself a lot at your age.
Though, there are some things I don't want to ruin for you. Trust me the fun of finding out is sometimes half the fun of a new experience.
Probably easiest to do them as a list, ok?
1) School will still not make anymore sense to you until you are 13 or 14 when you have a computer put in front of you, then things will get interesting.
2) The way you feel about girls and women never changes, when you are 18, the whole why you want to be so close to them makes more sense. If I tell you why now, it will just spoil the surprise.
3) Dad is a useless fucktard who stops beating you, because him and mum split up quite soon. Just be patient for about another year. He will die quite horribly eaten with cancer in about 20 years. He will be so fucked up, that even you at 10 years old could beat him up. Although, believe it or not, you will have forgiven him for what he did to you.
4) Listen to mum, most of the things and stories she tells you will come in useful, if only to avoid fucking up your life as bad as she did.
5) One exception to #4, Don't bother with the whole Irish Catholicism crap, it's not that useful later in life, also you'll find out that you're right about the way you see it. All those people going to church once a week and promising to be lovely and nice, and then spending the rest of the week being truly hideous to themselves and each other and their kids. It's called hypocrisy, and it's wrong.
6) Keep drawing and painting, it will save you lots of times.
7) Keep being brave, keep exploring, keep getting into "trouble". It will take you all around the world, to countries you don't even know about yet, you will see some amazing things and meet lots of different people.
8) Keep close to your brothers, they have already helped you more than you could ever know, all those stupid games you played, all the times they beat you up. They have taught you how physically, mentally and emotionally strong you are. You will learn that they love you and respect you. They will actually argue over which of them is your favourite.
9) Keep on being alone every now and again, because there will be times when there is no one there for you, no one you can depend on, no one to help or care for you. Your being alone at your age is good practice for coping later on.
10) You will feel love for lots of people and you will feel loved by lots as well.
11) When anyone asks you what you want to do, keep on with the same answer "I don't know". It may well annoy and frustrate them; but you are not responsible for them or to them, only to you.
12) No-one will ever really understand you, but don't worry about it. It doesn't matter after a while, because: more important than that, you will understand yourself.
13) Sometimes not knowing is the best place to be.
14) Keep trusting your instincts and your gut feelings, you are a better judge of what is right for you than anyone else.
Ok, that's all I can think of for now, I've tried to live the best I can for you, so that you could have the life you wanted, and that you will end up where I am now, with all the things we wanted, and with potential and possibilities that will sometimes baffle you.
See you in the mirror some time,
Daimiaen.
* * * * *
Dear 10 yr old me.
You have trouble understanding or recognizing this, but you are very much loved. You are valued. Prayed for. Cared for. You are worth far more than gold. Please don't treat yourself with lack of respect. When I look at you, I see how unsure you are, how much you crave respect and attention from others. You worry too much. Please just enjoy playing, enjoy laughter, enjoy your friends. You don't need a boy to make you whole. You already are the best.
I'm so proud of you and the paper route you have. The work ethic you possess. Please don't spend all your money. Save some... put it away in an account you promise yourself not to touch. Spend a little. Save some for a one year goal for yourself... and some for when you're done high school.
I know someone just like you… as talented, amazing, beautiful and who works hard. She spent all her money as soon as she got it. On trinkets and clothes, makeup and candy. But if she saved even 30% of it... by the time she was 16 she could have bought her own car. 50% of everything she made from age 10 on… and she could have funded university and a car. Instead she didn’t' bother to even get her license til she was 19, and didn't even have a car until she was 25... she didn't go to university because she blew all her money, and her parents didn't have any. Instead she married the first boy who asked, and he was mean to her -and he spent all the money she had, leaving her with nothing but debt. She deserved, and you deserve so much more.
Don't wait for a boy or a man or anyone else to pay for you. To support you. You have an amazing and bright future. Even at 10 yrs old, you already have the tools and the gifts you need to put the foundation in place for your future.
I'm so proud of you.
* * * * *
Dear Ten Year Old Me,
Lisa, you are not ugly, you are not stupid, and someone will love you. Your father is wrong, you are smart and beautiful and lovable. Stand up for yourself and your mother. Help your mother see her worth. Threaten to call the police on him, tell him he will spend his days in jail where he belongs.
Study hard, you have the brains to do great things!
When your mum dies, cry! Feel it. Don’t hold it in. You can’t make it through holding all the feelings in. Love yourself and forgive yourself. You will have a great life once you do.
I love you and look forward to seeing all the wonderful things you do.
38 Year Old Me
* * * * *
Hey, 10-year-old Bill…
1983 is a pretty good time, huh? All that plastic Cindy Lauper optimism makes a guy feel like he can grow up to do just about any damn thing. But I’ll be honest – you don’t see it yet but the chips are stacked against you. You’re an awkward fat kid living in the sticks of NE Connecticut. Not a lot of work around those parts so if I could impart a bit of wisdom, focus on your talents: drawing, writing and music. They’ll get you through the tough times (not financially - psychologically).
You know, I wish I was back there where you are. I would spend every moment writing and drawing and honing the skills. But you won’t. You don’t see it yet, but life’s about to get turned upside down. Dad’s about to take off. And Mom’s going to move you and Kathy into the city – away from everything – right at the start of those miserable teen angsty years. No more open spaces. No more quiet time. You’ll be scared. You’ll sit side-by-side with people with different skin colors and you’ll see shit you’ve never seen before. Get rid of that fucking bike with the banana seat as quick as you can, man. Those city kids are going to eat you up. Grow up quick, pal. Bottle up that hurt.
Mom’s really going to need you but instead you’re going to spiral into drinking and drugs. You’ll be popping the lock on the liquor cabinet by age 11; first nickel bag of pot by 12.
Country school prepared you well. You’ll be advanced compared to the other kids. Sorry to say though, you’re going to fall through the cracks. This school isn’t going to challenge you. You’ll be bored and you’ll act out in class. You’ll be on the school’s shit list by 13 and they will pretty much give up on you.
15 is a milestone year as you’ll
be dropping acid for the first time. These are the years you’ll be most in touch with your art work – acid has a way of opening up the creative flood gates. It’ll seem like you’re having the time of your life with all the boozing and drugging but by the time you’re 17 you’ll be pretty burnt out.
You’re going to make it out of High School and Mom’s going to help you take some college art classes but then Kathy’s going to get in a bad accident and get paralyzed. Then Mom’s going to get sick. Then she’s going to die. You’ll be numb by then though so you won’t feel it.
I’m sorry things sound so bleak, but I swear there’s good news coming. When you’re 18 you’re going to find love. I’m 38 now and she and I are still together… still happy. We have a couple of kids too. You’ll like them.
I’ll end this here 10-year-old Bill. But let me just say: You’ll get through it. You’ll be OK.
Bill
* * * * *
Dear ten-year-old me,
You may be confused about the future and what it holds but don’t worry it does get better. You may never be Freddy Mercury but you will make your family proud. Don’t worry if you never become a nurse like your mum and grampa or a business owner like your dad but you will always do your own thing and be happier for it.
Along the way you will find friends, lose them, and then reconnect with them again and laugh about all the stupid things you did that lead you to this point. True friends will always forgive you for your sins and you will do the same. That’s what good people do. You are not a bad person and neither are they; you just see the world differently.
You will see fashions come and go but you will never submit to them. Skinny jeans are just plain wrong, but remember just because someone is different to you that doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
Letters to My Ten Year Old Self Page 4