by S. J. Sylvis
I had no fucking idea.
“I’ll see you guys Monday,” I said, stepping out of the car. I bent down at the last second. “Thanks for having my back with Wellington Prep.”
Christian shook his head before glancing out the window. “Not the first time we’ve had to have each other’s backs when it came to those fucking pussies.”
I chuckled, slamming the door and walking up to my dark house. My mom was working again—the fifth night in a row. She’d texted me earlier and asked to spend some time together the following weekend, though, and I assumed she’d be telling me about the divorce then.
I fiddled with the front door latch until Christian and Ollie drove away. Then, at the last second, I turned and looked at Madeline’s window, only to find her staring at me. Her blue eyes widened when she saw that she was caught. The curtain closed quickly, and her shadowed silhouette disappeared.
I stood there, staring at her window for at least another five minutes before I found my feet dragging me over the driveway and into her house.
The front door was locked again, so I grabbed the key from under the pot and unlocked it. I climbed the steps slowly, trying to come up with a reason as to why I was in her house, but nothing came to mind.
I shouldn’t have been there.
But I was.
The glow from her light shone underneath her bedroom door into the dark hallway. My hand reached out to barge in, but I reconsidered.
Typically, I would. I wouldn’t give a fuck if I scared her. In fact, it would have been better if I did. But now, I felt at odds with it.
I pulled out my phone and brought up her name, Shedevil, and typed, “I’m coming in. Unlock the door.”
Her phone faintly pinged from close by, and I smiled. Then, I quickly wiped the smile off my face.
I shouldn’t be fucking smiling.
Shedevil: No
I rolled my eyes and said through the door, “I know how to pick a lock, Madeline. Unlock the fucking door.”
My phone pinged again.
Shedevil: Good luck. There’s a chair pushed up against my door for extra caution.
My brows furrowed. There was a nuisance-like tug in my chest. I eyed the door to the bathroom that led to her room and grinned.
“Fine,” I finally said before walking over to it and whipping it open. Madeline was smart, always one step ahead of everyone else, so the chances of her rushing across her room to lock the adjoining bathroom door was likely, but unless she pressed her bed against it from the other side, I’d be able to pick the lock, and then she couldn’t hide or run like at the party.
Just as I stepped onto the tile, Madeline yelled, “Eric!”
My eyes grew wide, and I felt the actual dilation of my pupils when I found her. Water cascaded out of the tub and onto the floor with a splash as her naked legs came up to hide her body.
My jaw went slack. I should have turned around and banged my head off a wall to get the visual out of my brain, but I was nothing but weak when it came to her.
I moved my gaze from her slippery, shiny knees to her plump lips and was taken back to a couple of hours ago when they were on my mouth. The kiss tormented me because I was starving for more, but I knew I shouldn’t have been. Madeline was poison. She only kissed me because she knew I was circling in on her. She used our attraction against me.
And I didn’t like that very much.
I didn’t like it because now I could feel her all over. Slithering into my veins. Wrapping around my dick.
“What are you doing here?” Madeline asked as she wrapped her arms around her knees.
Thank fuck there were bubbles all around her in the bath; otherwise, I’d continue grazing her naked body with my hungry gaze.
What was I doing here?
I shut the door behind me, watching her flinch as the door latched.
“You didn’t answer my question, so why would I answer yours?” I tipped my chin at her, raising an eyebrow in her direction.
Madeline’s blonde hair was falling into the tub around her, floating out on top of the bubbles gracefully. Her arms wrapped even tighter around her legs, and she pressed her flushed face to her knees, moving away from my pressing stare.
“What’s your question?” she sighed, glancing to me for a moment.
I licked my lip, crossing my arms against my black tee. “Did you, or did you not, get…” I paused, unable to say the word. My throat tightened at the last second, and I fought to keep my arms crossed instead of clawing at the unwelcome feeling.
“You can say the word, Eric.”
“Fine,” I said harshly. “Who raped you?”
Madeline turned her head abruptly, resting it along her knees again. She might have thought I didn’t see the way she flinched at the word, but I did.
“Who told you I was raped?”
I held back a snarl as I pushed off from the door. “Well, considering you can’t even stomach hearing the word, I’d say you told me.” I stopped just a foot away from the tub, glaring down at her hidden face. “And not to mention, the nightmare.”
Water splashed as she peered up at me, all doe-like and innocent. Two things I never, ever expected to see from her. White cloud-like suds laid along her chest except for the tiny sliver of cleavage peeking up at me. “What do you mean?”
“You talked in your sleep the other night. I heard you.”
The pink on her cheeks disappeared.
“Yeah,” I reiterated, taking a step back before I did something I’d regret, like pull her out of the tub and kiss her again. “So, who did it?”
Her innocent act faded. Her anger came back, slashing at the vulnerable girl in front of me. “Stop looking at me like that!” Her words snapped like a rubber band, so I snapped right back.
“Like what?”
A tiny yet angry noise came from her. If I didn’t have that voice in the back of my head, reminding me of all the reasons I hated her, I might have thought it was kind of cute. “Like you want to be my hero. And what exactly did you tell Ollie and Christian when they saw you were about to kill someone for me?”
I glared at her. “Stop evading the question.”
“Why do you even care?!” she yelled, her arms falling from her knees for a brief moment. I tore my eyes away, glancing at the ceiling. “You hate me so much I figured you’d be glad.”
My blood pulsed. “You never knew me at all if you truly thought I’d want something like that to happen to anyone—even you.” My voice picked up in volume. I turned around before I got even angrier. This is what she wants. She wants you to get mad and leave her alone. Madeline’s greatest defense mechanism was pushing people away, but I wasn’t letting that happen again.
“Do I know who it was?” I asked, keeping my back to her. I will kill him.
It took her entirely too long to answer. “No.”
My shoulders sagged. I don’t know why I’d hoped she would deny it again. Something about her admitting that she was raped made me feel fucking sick. It confused me, worried me, and pissed me off all at once.
“Finish your bath and get dressed,” I demanded, knowing I was five seconds from punching something in this girly ass bathroom. It smelled like her. All flowery and intoxicating.
“What are you doing?” she asked hesitantly. I was pretty sure she was crying, but I was too afraid to look, so instead, I opened her bedroom door, stepped inside, and slammed the door behind me.
Chapter Fifteen
Madeline
My bath water was cold. Goosebumps broke out all over my arms and legs. I knew it was time to climb out, but I was still too angry. Each tear that trembled down my face betrayed me.
I hated crying.
But I was so worked up I couldn’t stop.
My chest heaved as I dried my body off, and the skin on my cheeks screamed in agony as I took the towel and roughly wiped away my weakness. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Eric. I had to quickly put on my armor, my cool facade, and deal with him ins
ide my bedroom.
I wasn’t even sure what he was doing in there. Waiting for me? But why?
My fingers shook as I tied my drawstring shorts that rested along my hips and as I pulled my shirt over my head. My hair was still damp, little trinkets of water falling off the ends and onto the floor.
I couldn’t even glance at myself in the mirror. I was afraid I’d start crying again—or get too angry and break it. I knew that the girl staring back at me was a shell of who she used to be. She was fragmented. And she was angry and hurt. I felt betrayed by myself, and that was a truly disturbing and lonely feeling.
My cheeks puffed as I blew air out of my mouth and reached for the doorknob. I gave myself a five-second pep talk to keep my composure as I rallied against Eric and his confusing actions. He was awfully quick to remind me that he hated me every day, but his behavior completely contradicted that.
As soon as I was inside my room, closing the bathroom door behind me and double-checking to make sure I locked it, my shield started to shake. Eric was perched on the end of my desk, his long, jean-clad legs still touching the floor. A small dip in my stomach told me all I needed to know about my feelings for him. It had been a really long time since I’d felt those magical butterflies in my stomach at the sight of a boy, and here I was, swatting them away furiously as I fought to remind myself that Eric and I would never be more than what we were now—a cross between enemies and forgotten friends.
“What do you want, Eric?” I sighed. I was proud of how annoyed I sounded. But the truth was, I wasn’t annoyed at all. In fact, him being in my room somehow clamped down on all my usual anxiety.
“I’ll give you one night, Madeline. That’s it.”
I slowly padded over to my bed, pulling my long shirt down to cover my legs more before sitting on my fluffy blanket. “What are you talking about?”
Eric picked at his nails, avoiding me. His hair looked like he’d tugged the ends of it forcefully before I came out of the bathroom. His strong jaw was clenched. His cheekbones were sharper than usual, like they would cut me if I dared touch them.
A breath escaped me when I found my way back to his eyes. He was staring at me intently before he glanced out the window, crossing his arms over his t-shirt. “I’ll give you one night to sleep, and that’s it.” I bit my lip when he sighed exasperatedly. “I’ll wake you up at the first sign of a nightmare. You obviously fucking need sleep if you’re trying to get more sleeping pills—which, by the way, is so fucking stupid.”
I ignored the emotions clouding my vision. “Why?”
His strong brows lifted as his stormy gaze met mine. “Why is it stupid?” He rolled his eyes dramatically. “Well, for starters—"
“No,” I interrupted him. “Why would you do that for me? Why would you sit in here all night while I slept, just to make sure I didn’t have a nightmare?”
I still couldn’t believe I had talked in my sleep the other night. Apparently, my subconscious dream-like psyche was betraying me too.
Eric’s nostrils flared as he pinned me to my spot. He instantly went from annoyed to angry. A small wrinkle formed in between his eyebrows, and his perfect lips that had savaged mine earlier were pulled taut. “Because I’m feeling fucking generous. Take it or leave it.”
My resolve fell, my armor shattering to the ground. I bit my tongue to keep from thanking him in a blubbering mess. I wasn’t going to thank him. I didn’t ask for his help, so I surely wasn’t going to pretend like he was doing me a favor.
But he was.
He had no idea how badly I wanted to weep.
The thought of sleeping, knowing someone—that, believe it or not, I actually trusted—was going to wake me before I reached that point in my dreams that had me rushing to the bathroom to vomit, was enough to make me break myself in half.
“How bad was it?” I whispered, lowering myself to lie down. I lay flat on my back with my arms resting over my belly. “My nightmare, I mean. What did I say?”
Eric waited a little while before he answered, which only made me more jittery. His tone was clipped and to the point. “It was bad. Now go to sleep.”
“Did I cry?” I asked, shutting my eyes, not because I was trying to sleep but because I was too nervous to watch his expression.
“Yes,” he answered matter-of-factly. “And that’s not all. Now go to sleep.” He paused. “And stop taking sleeping pills that aren’t prescribed by a fucking doctor.”
A bite was at the very tip of my tongue. A snapping remark was locked and loaded, ready to fire out of my mouth, but something held me back. Eric was giving me an olive branch, and I was holding on for dear life. I knew it’d break eventually, and he’d go back to being mean to me and glaring at me from across the cafeteria, but for now, I’d let myself hang on to it.
After a few minutes of tossing and turning, my body finally started to relax. I peeked at Eric a few times, lifting only one eyelid, until he’d snap his stoic attention in my direction. At first, I thought I’d feel uneasy with him in here, given everything, but deep down, I knew that Eric would never hurt me. He may have hated me, but I knew he wasn’t a bad guy. The twelve-year-old girl inside of me trusted Eric with her whole heart, and I was trusting her. But then again, could I trust anyone these days?
That was the last thought I had before I felt myself fall asleep.
The low chatter of my mom and dad startled me from a deep sleep. My eyes felt groggy, and my mouth was parched. I opened my lips, desperately needing water, but that was when I realized my mouth wouldn’t open. There was something over it.
Tape?
My hand went to reach up to move it, but my limbs wouldn’t work. My parents' voices grew louder, my dad’s familiar yells plowing through my bedroom walls. When did he get home? And why was he already angry? It usually took at least a few days for him to snap.
I tried wiggling my arms, my eyes adjusting to my dark room, but it was like I was in quicksand. My limbs were heavy.
Why couldn’t I move? Panic started to seep into every outlet of my body. Skin smacked against skin, and a loud whimper from my mom had me kicking my legs out from my blankets, but it was no use. They weren’t working either.
What is going on? Was this sleep paralysis or something?
Just then, my heart began to race as if it knew something was coming that I didn’t. A scream was lodged in my throat as I began to feel the looming presence of something dark and heavy on top of me. My eyes wouldn’t adjust. I might as well have been blind.
Why wasn’t my light on? I always kept my light on.
“Hold still, baby.”
The voice had me completely shook. I knew that voice. It haunted me. Replayed in my head whenever I’d let my guard down. I started to breathe heavier, tears gathering in my eyes.
I tried to scream and claw as the presence grew heavier. My father’s loud voice boomed in the background, and my mom screamed out. I needed to get to her, to help her, but the man on top of me was overpowering everything.
No. No. No.
A large hand cupped my thigh, ready to spread my legs, and I sobbed on the inside.
Not again.
My stomach convulsed as my entire body shook and trembled.
“Goddamnit, Maddie. Wake the fuck up!”
My eyes popped open at the sound of Eric’s voice. I shot up out of my bed quickly, my eyes barely adjusting to the dim light.
“The lights. Turn the lights on!” I screamed, hurriedly crawling off my bed. As soon as my feet hit the floor, I rushed past Eric and latched onto the bathroom doorknob. My fingers moved quickly, unlocking it swiftly, and as soon as my knees hit the bathroom tile, I heaved into the toilet, acid burning the back of my throat.
My eyes grew even more watery as I laid my sweaty head down on my forearm. My entire body was racking with trembles, and sweat beads slowly ran down my spine.
I hate this.
As soon as I knew I was done puking, I flushed the toilet and tried standing, but my legs gav
e out, and I fell to the floor on my butt. I clenched my chattering teeth and sucked in my lips to keep myself from crying again as I backed myself up against the tub, closing my eyes.
I was stronger than this. Why couldn’t I get my shit together? Why did the nightmares keep coming back? And why were there two unnecessary evils in this one?
I breathed in and out of my nose, calming my body down for long, agonizing minutes before regaining the strength to stand again. As soon as I unclenched my eyes and stood up on two feet, ready to walk back into my room to face Eric, I stopped. He was standing there, just inside the bathroom, staring at me like he’d seen a ghost.
My lip trembled when we locked eyes, and I wanted to hide. He was seeing a part of me that even I didn’t want to see. And I hated that he was staring at me so stoically. I had no idea what was going through his head. There wasn’t that evil glint in his eye he often gave me, and there wasn’t that cocky, smart-ass grin on his face either.
He just stared, his blue-gray moody eyes on me.
I suddenly felt even smaller than usual.
Embarrassment had me darting past him. He moved just enough that I wouldn’t touch him and then slowly turned around and continued staring at me.
When I sat on my bed and pulled my knees up to my chin, not daring to sneak another glance at the boy who just saw me completely raw, he whispered, “I assume it happened in the dark.”
I still wouldn’t look at him. Instead, I stared at the teddy bear my grandma gave me when I was seven perched on the floor in the corner of my room. “Yes.” It absolutely killed me that my voice came out raspy and broken. I didn’t need Eric to see me like this. I didn’t need anyone to see me like this.
“Did it happen here? Is that why you lock your doors? Did someone come in here and hurt you, Maddie?”
Mortification swirled in my belly. I dropped my head to my knees and slowly nodded as a tear escaped.
I paused at the sound of Eric’s knuckles cracking. I stole a peek at him, and by the looks of his tense shoulders and wiggling tight jaw, I could tell he was angry. That was the conflicting behavior I was talking about earlier. Eric was mad.